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Jcunnane

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Reply with quote  #91 
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Originally Posted by JinglesMom



Dear Jackie,
Your letters to your sweet boy always bring such tears to my eyes. Your special bond with him and your deep love for him shine right through every single one of your words. Your story about Bubby being so content and happy, and peeking out from under the covers by your feet was just so very precious. That is so how my Jingles was, as long as he was right next to me cuddled up, all was right with his world, and with mine. Your boy was a big, strong boy like my Jasper as I wrote before, weighing in at over 15 pounds and so very tall also, whereas your little Lola reminds me of my tiny girl Pootie Tang. I used to always say that my little PT was not as big as a minute, she was maybe about five pounds, and I used to call her my little pocket kitty, because she would most likely fit right into my pocket.

But oh my, she was brave, and had such an amazing spirit, and she was sweet as sweet could be. Jingles was about right in the middle size wise, leaning towards small, and in the last few months he had lost quite a bit of weight, which the doctors had attributed to his advanced age. I used to pick him up and think he was light as a feather, and every time I would address my concerns to his doctor, she would chalk it up to "little old man syndrome". I used to pore over articles on the internet trying to figure out why he was not putting on any weight, and my quest in life was to find a food that he liked. I tried so hard, and so did he, but I do believe that time is what took him away from me. I was so fortunate to have had him for seventeen years, but oh how I wanted more.

I know how hard it is to sleep without our little furry friends by our side. Sometimes I will wake up in the middle of the night, and I will almost feel my Jingles right beside me. You know that twilight sleep, when you are not in a very deep sleep, but not quite awake yet, several times I have felt his presence so very strongly. I cannot actually see him, but I feel his beautiful spirit all around me, and when that happens, it is just so comforting, and brings such a sense of peace and calm to my broken heart. I just want so badly to hold him in my arms once again and look into those beautiful green eyes of his once more. I miss him so much, I miss all my little ones with every ounce of my being, and I know that you truly do understand.

I am hoping that with every passing day that your sweet Lola feels a bit better, and is able to accept her protective big brother not being with her as he used to. Thank goodness she has you, and if anyone can turn this around and help her to heal from this huge loss, you can. After Jasper crossed over, it took quite awhile for Jingles to actually feel like himself again, but ever so slowly, I would see subtle signs of improvement, and then one day, he just seemed to be feeling so much better, and that did my heart such good to see that.

Of course, it was never quite the same for him, as he and Jasper would play and wrestle as boys do, and since Jasper was so much bigger, Jingles would always be the one to call it quits first and retreat to the bedroom for a much needed nap. And Jingles loved little PT and would watch over her ever so sweetly, and whatever she wanted, she got. He adored her, and when she lost her battle with cancer, well he was just so sad and forlorn, and I was so worried. But after some time, he came out of his sorrow somewhat and accepted it, just as he had done with Jasper's absence. I know though that he could not have done it without me. It is just so sad for me not to have anyone left, and sometimes I think the emptiness of it all will never go away, and the despair is there, and it is so real. But I know I have to stay strong and face each day with the courage that my trio of angels showed me every single day.

I am hoping that one day soon that your sweet boy will send you an unmistakable and undeniable sign. Like I have said before, they always seem to have the perfect timing, but we do need to be open and aware, and willing and able to connect the dots. I do not believe that there are any coincidences in this life, everything happens for a reason, and whatever is meant to be will always find a way. One day when you least expect it, something wonderful and surreal may happen, and it will not be chalked up to coincidence, and you will know absolutely and positively who it was from, and then the sadness and the sorrow will be replaced by such an unbelievable joy and happiness, and you will look up to the Heavens with happy tears in your eyes, and you will be able to say with no doubt whatsover "Bubby, I know that was you." Thank you Jackie so much for your lovely posts and messages which always bring such comfort and healing to my heart, and I so wish the same for you. Hugs to you and your little Lola, Pamela





Pamela,

I love reading your messages. Like you said before you felt as we have a connection. So do I. You say the things my heart needs to hear and when it does. I’m so thankful you’re sharing your journey with me as I have been worried on so many levels about the future. The health of Lola, will I ever feel better, will Bubby send me a sign, do we get Lola a companion. So many what if’s right now which is hard because I’m quite OCD.

I love hearing about your sweet angels and how they all got along and cared for each other so much. It brings me a sense of relief that kitties from different litters just love each other as much and look after each other. The grieving that Lola is going through is hard. I know she’ll pull through. PT was only 5 pounds? Now that’s a teeny tiny baby! Lola is about 9 and I think she’s tiny. Well I guess compared to Bubby she was! He was a beast!

So far I haven’t seen or sensed anything from Bubby. I’m waiting and open to it all. I just hope he knows that my love continues for him even when he’s not here physically. I can’t wait to look up and say Bubby I know that was you! I yearn for the day. He stole my heart.

I feel so guilty because he’s fading from our house. Two and a half weeks and sometimes it’s hard to picture his face. I feel like such a bad mom. I asked my husband last night if he honestly thinks Bubbys kidneys were the reason he was declining. He said yes. For some reason I feel like it was something else. I know I need to let it go and let it be. There’s nothing to bring him back and that’s the worst. Knowing his little body is not whole anymore. It’s ashes. I miss his little face and smell so much.

I hope your sadness and emptiness gets easier as I do for everyone here. I hope it does. I need to keep telling myself it does. The summer is supposed to be fun but all I can think about is missing my sweet boy and the emptiness I feel.

I’ve been trying to be more present for Lola and for my daughter. I know Avery doesn’t know. She’ll know she had a very sweet and protective brother when she was a baby. He would lay in our bed and “babysit” her while she was in the bassinet. He was so protective over the ones he loved. He loved hard.

Thank you again so much, Pamela. Your writing is beautiful and you put so much thought into each and every message. If you’re not a writer by trade, you should be!

I hope each and everyday is easier for you as well and your trio of angels sends you little hellos every now and then!

Hugs,
Jackie

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Jcunnane

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Reply with quote  #92 
Dear Bubs,

It’s a late day message but Mommy was busy this morning. Avery has been getting up earlier, around 7am. We’ve been getting her to bed around 830 now. Mommy cleaned this morning. Now that Av is crawling and standing, she’s a human swiffer so I needed to clean up a bit.

It still doesn’t seem real. I hate knowing that you’re in a box next to my nightstand. That you’re not in your body anymore. I think that’s one thing that crushes me the most. Knowing you’re not “you” anymore. I wish I could just hold you again. You were so much comfort to me and I never really knew how much.

I miss you so much. I just feel so empty without you. I’m trying to be positive and put a smile on my face but it’s not my true smile. It’s not a whole smile. That smile is gone because you’re not here.

How did we get here baby boy? I went through paperwork today and the paperwork from all your vet and hospital visits were a lot. You were and are so strong. You fought so hard and I’m so grateful for you and the 10 years we had. You will also be my hero. My sweet loving hero.

Lola is doing ok. Trying to give her some nip to chill. She has so much anxiety. I don’t want to medicate her though. You two have been through enough.

Mommy has to go get some grass for Loli and then to the grocery. Hopefully they’ll have grass. I think it cheers her up.

I miss you my little man.

XOXO, Love Mommy 💜

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Jcunnane

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Reply with quote  #93 
Good morning my sweet little man,

Mommy is missing you a lot. A lot! I went to get Daddy a Pepcid while he was giving a bath to Av and there they were...all the pills I cut in half for you. It was your Pepcid bottle. I didn’t mind cutting those pills for you. I would have done anything for you. You were always so cute when you would run to me as I shook the bottle. Never knew another kitty who ran for a pill. And you were so great at taking them. I miss our time so much.

Still not sleeping. It’s getting hard. I hope one night I’ll be able to sleep again. I’ve been sleeping with your favorite toy. Not the same as you my handsome man.

It’s a short work week. I loved spending time at home with you guys. Mommy needs a break. Things have just been going too fast. I need down time. I wish it was with you and having a Bubby nap. They were my favorite. You always could put me in such a deep sleep. My little man...

Daddy said he thought he saw you on the couch last night with your paws tucked under. You were so gentle yet so fierce. And so so proud. Seeing your inquisitive little face always brightened my day. I just miss you so much. My heart hurts because you’re not here.

I hope you know how much I love you and miss you. I know you wouldn’t want me to be sad. You were always happy. I’m just feeling lost without you. You were my rock through all the good times and the bad. You were always there to lean on and give me unconditional love....ALWAYS!

Time to go shower and get ready for the day. I remember all the times I would have to leave the door open because you would either meow, paw at it or sit outside of it. I never wanted you to not have me. You’ll always have me Bubs.

The deer and her baby came back this morning. They haven’t been here in a few days.

Off to get the day started....

I love you my little man...

XOXO, Love Mommy 💜




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lilw4

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Reply with quote  #94 
Hi Jackie - 

I hope you're doing as ok as you can be.  I know what it feels like to not be able to sleep because of your mind not shutting down.  There is a bliss in sleep where you finally get to feel at peace because your mind cannot dwell on all the terribleness.  And then you wake up and it hits you immediately, before you can even form an actual thought, the reality of your life comes back full force, and it's almost too much for one person to bear.  At least that's how it is for me.  Reading through your letters to Milo...I know that is in my future soon.  All the anecdotes about expecting to see him everywhere, and knowing he's not there anymore.  Having to try and reprogram your brain to accept his absence.  I'm not sure how I'm going to do it.  I know everyone on here has been through it and they made it out the other side, but dread doesn't quite sum up the feeling I have for my future.  

Anyway, I really just wanted to write and let you know I'm thinking of you, and this forum.  I hope your heart heals a little more today.  Give Lola extra pets for me.
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Jcunnane

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Reply with quote  #95 
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilw4
Hi Jackie - 

I hope you're doing as ok as you can be.  I know what it feels like to not be able to sleep because of your mind not shutting down.  There is a bliss in sleep where you finally get to feel at peace because your mind cannot dwell on all the terribleness.  And then you wake up and it hits you immediately, before you can even form an actual thought, the reality of your life comes back full force, and it's almost too much for one person to bear.  At least that's how it is for me.  Reading through your letters to Milo...I know that is in my future soon.  All the anecdotes about expecting to see him everywhere, and knowing he's not there anymore.  Having to try and reprogram your brain to accept his absence.  I'm not sure how I'm going to do it.  I know everyone on here has been through it and they made it out the other side, but dread doesn't quite sum up the feeling I have for my future.  

Anyway, I really just wanted to write and let you know I'm thinking of you, and this forum.  I hope your heart heals a little more today.  Give Lola extra pets for me.


Hi lilw4,

Thank you so much for you sweet message. It's been hard but I'm taking it day by day, minute by minute. I'm so sorry this is going to be your future. I hope you can find some treatment for your sweet Max in the meantime. I believe our friend's kitty had the same thing. Cherish every moment, every pet and every sweet kiss and snuggle. All I can say it takes time. I'm not sure what is worse, having to make the decision on the spot or knowing the time is coming. I just know it's all horrible but I do know in my heart it will get better.

How is Max doing? How are you doing?

Milo always be my one in a million. He was unexpected too. I knew Lola was coming as she literally picked me to be her Mommy. I was supposed to get a different orange guy but the fosters couldn't give him up so we got Milo (his name then was Pumpkin Head haha). He was the best surprise. I couldn't have asked for a better little man.

My husband was talking about getting Lola a companion eventually and I can't even go there yet. It honestly just makes me sick to my stomach knowing it won't be Milo. I would hate to compare a new kitty (we would have to get a young one so Lola would still have the seniority) to Milo. I don't know when the time will be right, if ever. Lola has anxiety issues where she licks off her belly fur. We've been to the doctors so many times...blood work, urine work...all normal. They said it's behavioral along with her going outside the box and it all was pointing to her big brother aka Milo picking on her. So I'm waiting to see how her belly fur is, if it comes back and if she starts going in the box. I don't want to stress her out anymore then what she's gone through. She just had 5 teeth removed this past October. That's her illness. Bad teeth. 

I've always had trouble sleeping (family thing) as our minds like to never shut down but eventually I would get some sleep. Now it's just blah. I don't know how else to really describe it. Maybe that's from lack of sleep. I feel like the dark circles under my eyes are worse then what I had when our daughter was born and she didn't like to sleep at all the first month! 

I vacuumed downstairs this weekend where Bubby was the last few days before that final day and it was so difficult. Yeah, it took me almost 3 weeks to do that. I felt like I was taking away his essence. His smell. I cried. It was painful but I needed to rip the band aid off and just do it.

I know he wouldn't want me to be crying. He was always so worried when I cried. Just knowing that I won't ever be able to hold him again because I physically can't is the worst feeling. The tightness in my throat appears, the tears start. How I miss him. I didn't know how much he truly impacted me until he was gone. How much he was apart of my day. How he was my rock and I never really knew it. I knew I depended on him but I never knew this much.

I truly appreciate your thoughts and I will give Lola some extra pets for you. I think she's getting REALLY annoyed with me and all the hugs and kisses. She is very independent and likes to do things on her terms and LOVES her sleep. Yeah, Mommy isn't allowing much sleep. I try, but then I start kissing and hugging her. She's still sleeping on the shirt I last held him in. Not sure if she can still smell him but that's what it's there for. 

Anyway sorry for the rambling. Everyone around me doesn't really know what to say to me anymore besides hope you're hanging in there or a sad face.

You're in my thoughts as I'm sure this is a difficult time for you. I hope Max is doing ok. I know it must be really hard for the both of you. Our friends kitty had the same thing. A tuxedo kitty, like Max, if I'm not mistaken by your photo.

Hugs to you and thank you again for your sweet message. It means a lot.
Jackie


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just_lost

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Reply with quote  #96 
I wish I had words that would bring you some comfort, Jackie.  Your posts bring a lump to my throat, and I miss Milo with you.  Write to your baby boy as much as you like if it's cathartic and/or therapeutic; I think I can say that everyone here understands.
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Jcunnane

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Reply with quote  #97 
Quote:
Originally Posted by just_lost
I wish I had words that would bring you some comfort, Jackie.  Your posts bring a lump to my throat, and I miss Milo with you.  Write to your baby boy as much as you like if it's cathartic and/or therapeutic; I think I can say that everyone here understands.


Thank you, just_lost. The lump is THE WORST! I know it will get better in time. I wouldn't say it's getting easier, more like I'm becoming more adjusted to life without him being here. Ugh I hate saying that. Sleep would be great though.

He was such a friendly boy, especially if you had his SO treats, then he would be your bestie. Sometimes I would get scared because he would come running then climb up your leg for them...OUCH!

I feel so guilty because the tears are becoming less and less. I never want him to think he didn't mean much to me because they are drying up. Maybe the well is just drying up. 

I appreciate your support and kind words about missing Milo too. He was a goof. Hopefully he's goofing off with all of our furbabies at the Rainbow Bridge. 

Hugs,
Jackie

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Ceceliadempsey3

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Reply with quote  #98 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jcunnane
My dear little man,

Today is two weeks since you've been home. It feels like a year. Mommy keeps waking up at around 230am. Not sure what's going on with that. I miss your sweet cuddles to get me back to sleep.

Lola made it through her first Tuesday without and without us home all day. She was like a puppy when I came home and was following me everywhere. She definitely misses you bud. We all do so very very much. 

I still think I'm going to see you everywhere in the house. In the kitchen sneaking up behind me, walking down the hallway, peaking around the kitchen corner, sitting under the dining room table (aka don't touch me under here).

I think I'm starting to accept that you're not physically here anymore. I don't want to accept it. It doesn't seem real honestly. You were so young, not even 10 but so close. We're going to throw the best decade party for Lola and in your honor. 

We got a meowbox. I'm terrified to open it. Pretty sure your name will still be on it. 

I think about you all the time my baby boy. I hope you know there's not a second I don't think about you and miss you. My heart will never be the same and I'm understanding that. 

I keep looking back at your photos and just miss you so much. They make me laugh, they make me cry, but most of all they make me want to hug and kiss you all over like I used to. You are so special. 

I'm washing our sheets today and it was a struggle. Your scent is on those sheets. I know I have to though and it's like slowly ripping off a band-aid. It's gonna hurt.

I found some pics of our snuggles. You were such a cuddle bear. Always wanted to be around us. I miss them so much.

I hope you're ok my little man. Mommy misses you so so so much. 

Off to do some work...or at least try to. I'm just not mentally there.

I love you my little man.

XOXO Love, Mommy 💜
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Ceceliadempsey3

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Reply with quote  #99 
I have not been on the forum since Thursday. I went away for a few days. It actually helped me a little. It’s not the usual place where I would bring Thatcher. I guess I have been emotionally drained for the last month. Between crying and sadness that I slept a lot. Guess I needed it. Now I’m back home well at my summer home and feel so lost without my boy. I’m so tired of being sad. The getaway did help but now I’m right back in reality and feeling awful again. I guess it will take time. I hope everyone here will soon feel a little better. I love hearing all your stories and seeing your photos. I’m learning a lot about cat behavior ( as I never had a cat). . They sound adorable I can see why you miss your babies so much. They were such a big part of our lives . I’m not crying. ( well just a little). But the sick feeling in my stomach is back😩. Anyway I just wanted to say hi to everyone and hope your pain will be eased soon!
Cecelia
(Thatcher’s Mom)
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Ceceliadempsey3

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Reply with quote  #100 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jcunnane
My dear little man,

Today is two weeks since you've been home. It feels like a year. Mommy keeps waking up at around 230am. Not sure what's going on with that. I miss your sweet cuddles to get me back to sleep.

Lola made it through her first Tuesday without and without us home all day. She was like a puppy when I came home and was following me everywhere. She definitely misses you bud. We all do so very very much. 

I still think I'm going to see you everywhere in the house. In the kitchen sneaking up behind me, walking down the hallway, peaking around the kitchen corner, sitting under the dining room table (aka don't touch me under here).

I think I'm starting to accept that you're not physically here anymore. I don't want to accept it. It doesn't seem real honestly. You were so young, not even 10 but so close. We're going to throw the best decade party for Lola and in your honor. 

We got a meowbox. I'm terrified to open it. Pretty sure your name will still be on it. 

I think about you all the time my baby boy. I hope you know there's not a second I don't think about you and miss you. My heart will never be the same and I'm understanding that. 

I keep looking back at your photos and just miss you so much. They make me laugh, they make me cry, but most of all they make me want to hug and kiss you all over like I used to. You are so special. 

I'm washing our sheets today and it was a struggle. Your scent is on those sheets. I know I have to though and it's like slowly ripping off a band-aid. It's gonna hurt.

I found some pics of our snuggles. You were such a cuddle bear. Always wanted to be around us. I miss them so much.

I hope you're ok my little man. Mommy misses you so so so much. 

Off to do some work...or at least try to. I'm just not mentally there.

I love you my little man.

XOXO Love, Mommy 💜

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Ceceliadempsey3

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Reply with quote  #101 
Thatcher!
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just_lost

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Reply with quote  #102 
He's a beautiful boy, Ceceliadempsey3 😉
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lilw4

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Reply with quote  #103 
Oh he looks like such a sweet boy Ceceliadempsey3 😉  
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Jcunnane

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Reply with quote  #104 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceceliadempsey3
I have not been on the forum since Thursday. I went away for a few days. It actually helped me a little. It’s not the usual place where I would bring Thatcher. I guess I have been emotionally drained for the last month. Between crying and sadness that I slept a lot. Guess I needed it. Now I’m back home well at my summer home and feel so lost without my boy. I’m so tired of being sad. The getaway did help but now I’m right back in reality and feeling awful again. I guess it will take time. I hope everyone here will soon feel a little better. I love hearing all your stories and seeing your photos. I’m learning a lot about cat behavior ( as I never had a cat). . They sound adorable I can see why you miss your babies so much. They were such a big part of our lives . I’m not crying. ( well just a little). But the sick feeling in my stomach is back😩. Anyway I just wanted to say hi to everyone and hope your pain will be eased soon!
Cecelia
(Thatcher’s Mom)


Hi Cecelia,

Glad you got away for a little and that it helped. Thatcher is such a beautiful pup...those eyes! Just like "Give me all the love you have and I'll be your best friend!" 

I completely get what you're saying. I'm exhausted from the sadness, tears, guilt, pain, etc. Wondering when it will ease up a bit. Glad you got some sleep. I know I sure could use some. 

Guessing it is just time to help with this all. I know the emptiness will still be there but it will become more normalized. 

Thanks for sharing the photo of Thatcher! 💜

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Bubby's (Milo) Mommy - Always & Forever My Little Man 💜

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just_lost

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Reply with quote  #105 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jcunnane
He was such a friendly boy, especially if you had his SO treats, then he would be your bestie. Sometimes I would get scared because he would come running then climb up your leg for them...OUCH!


Yeah, that's how Away is.  Hailey usually gets the treats because she's my baby (and because Brutus and Midget don't really care for them, strangely.  Felix liked 'em, though.) but Away comes trotting in and hops on the counter if he hears the treats because he wants some too.  He's looking at the treats and me so eagerly that I can't resist giving him a few before he tries to push his face into the container 😃

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jcunnane
I feel so guilty because the tears are becoming less and less. I never want him to think he didn't mean much to me because they are drying up. Maybe the well is just drying up.


It's really hard to not beat ourselves up (probably because we're such easy targets).  I don't see anything to suggest that Milo doesn't mean the world - and more - to you just because the tears are slowing down.  I'm confident that he knows how very much you love him.
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