SawyerSpareparts
My dog, Shelby, was put down today. Well technically yesterday. She was old. We think about 12. My roommate had her before I moved in and was always unsure of her age but she was definitely old. She's technically his dog but I lived with her took care of her all of that. Have my own dog as well just got him about 2 years ago but he's still young. 

Anyway, she started to get really sick about two days ago. Wouldn't eat, drink, and was barely moving. It was obvious she was going to die. Since she made it through the night (we honestly thought she wouldn't) we got her to the vet. It was probably one of the most horrible things I ever had to do. Mostly because she's huge and we had to move her together (me and my roommate) after pushing her onto a blanket. She was breathing heavy and it was clear she was struggling. 

We took her into the vet and she was X-Rayed. Huge tumor in her stomach. I've never seen anything that massive. Well it was in her stomach cavity. They said it was most likely attached to her spleen and had started bleeding (Blood in the stomach). All her organs were compressed and she was barely getting any air to her lungs so she was put down. 

My roommate is basically my best friend as well. But see I have this issue where I can't be around people while I cry nor can I watch other people cry or comfort them. I have a messed up level of anxiety because of PTSD and OCD and I am NOT GOOD at loss. Shelby was here for the entire 10 years I've lived in this house. I just feel like okay what if we got her to the vet earlier you know? Maybe they'd have found the tumor before it was the size of a bowling ball. If you think I'm exaggerating I'm not. I mean it looked like just a HUGE mass. Keep in mind she was an 100 pound dog. She was always heavy with a gut so the chance of us ever seeing it growing was very very small. 

Obviously I know as of now it was the right thing to do to put her down. But I keep having nightmares about her. The night before she died I stayed up all night MAYBE got 2 hours of sleep? Then I had to go to a job interview, I came right home, and my roommate came home to help get her to the vet. As of now I can only sleep 2-3 hours at a time. I also pretend to be okay in front of my roommate because I am not able to show emotion in front of people. Long story, yes I see a therapist, and yes we've been working on this for years but it's not something that is easy for me for a wide variety of reason (being raised by very abusive parents who punish you for crying is the summary of it). 

Anyway so right now I feel very numb, way too tired, like I'm on auto-pilot. I keep crying on and off. Shelby was a huge part of my life. Last year when I had a nervous breakdown she would sleep on my bed with me to make me feel safe. My new dog (relatively new have had him for about 2 years and he is MY dog as in I bought him and all of that) he does the same thing. I love him and feel very protected and safe with him, but it doesn't mean it's the same or I'm still okay with Shelby dying. 

I don't have anyone to REALLY talk to. Especially since I'm ALWAYS that person who is strong in front of others. I've been through euthanasia before with two other dogs so I'm not a stranger to that. I just feel really alone and periods of like...numb. For instance all day today when I was doing stuff I felt like I was floating and when people said to me "have a nice day" I just kind of automatically repeated "you too" wondering WHY or HOW I could behave like EVERYTHING was fine when it's not. I fully intend to call my therapist tomorrow but right now I'm just a wreck. I know with the state she was in the right thing to do was put her down. I don't even doubt that. But I don't know how to cope with this and I feel like I'm alone again because I can't STAND for anyone to see me weak or struggling. Any advice?
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Bobosmum
Hi.  I can't give you any advice on your anxiety issues but what I can say is that you are definitely not alone in feeling the level of grief that you've got.  My dog was put to sleep on Friday last week and for the first couple of days especially I cried uncontrollably at home and when I left the house I felt like I wasn't even inhabiting my own body.  I think our pets become much more than we realise, they share every aspect of our lives.  I read an article that said the death of a loved pet brings back all the other events that happened during that pets lifetime that they comforted you through so if you had bad things happen to you which Shelby helped you to deal with it's kind of like you don't know how you'll cope with the memories of those things without your best friend.  Does that make sense?  It's very new and it's a traumatic event.  Even though you know you did the right thing there will be a million questions going round in your head about what you could have done differently.  You did what was best and you weren't to know so don't beat yourself up.  It sounds like Shelby loved you so hold that in your heart and allow yourself to grieve, even if it's just going to your own room and bawling your eyes out in private.  Everyone on here has gone through the loss of a beloved friend so you're not alone and posting on here is the first step to acceptance.  (((hugs)))
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GunnersMama
I'm so sorry for the loss of your Shelby. You did the final act of love for her. You released her from her pain and took it and put it in your heart. After my Gunner transitioned my whole world ended and my heart broke into a million pieces. I could see how someone could die from a broken heart. I had never felt pain like this before. I went into a deep depression. I walked around in a fog going through the motions but not really being there. I couldn't hardly eat for about 3 months,cried non-stop and either didn't sleep or slept all of the time only to be woken with anxiety. It is a roller coaster of emotions. Go with whatever you are feeling. If you need to cry but can't do it in front of anyone else just go into another room. I read somewhere that tears release toxins from our bodies when we are grieving. They are healing tears. Just know that your Shelby knows that you love her and she always loves you too. She's always with you. Talk to her because she can hear you. I talk to my Gunner every day. Ask her for a sign to let you know that she's okay. My Gunner sends me signs all of the time. He sent me a hawk the morning after he transitioned. I have read books and watched videos on YouTube from Brent Atwater. They have really helped me. Be kind to yourself. There is no timetable for grief. Sending hugs and prayers to you.
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Ell99
hi- i am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful shelby. it really is such a horrendous and traumatic time when we lose our pets. i dont have much advice as im going thru this now mysefl - but please dont expect to feel better next week. allow at least one month of crying every day! thats what ive done. i meet cry for the next 6 months also- im not sure. just be kind to yourself. if you need to cry just cry. not everyone understands but here in the forum we do. you are not alone. we are all going thru the same but in different stages. im totally lost without my beautiful little kitty cat. it broke my heart when he had to go as i use to say to him we are a team. hugs to you. elle xx
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winstonsmom12
Sawyer I am so sorry for the loss of Shelby.  I also was like you are now.  The first few weeks after Winston passed, I couldn't be around people, because I would burst out crying. I did not sleep, shower, eat, go out, or housework for weeks.  You did do the right thing for her.  Cancer is just a horrible disease.  You or your roomate would never want Shelby to suffer.

I know you don't believe it now, but time does its job with easing your pain.  It is so very new for you now.  You will probably feel like this for a while.  As you have to go through the grieving process.  Winston passed 3/2/16.  I still grieve and cry at the most unexpected times.  We all love and grieve our babies on this forum.  Some pets pass easily, some not.  I did not have the money for a lot of testing on Winston because i just didnt have the money.  I stioll feel guilty for that.

I know he was sicker than I thought and i know I made the right decision.  Im posotive you did too.  You have to remember the good timesa with Shelby.  You gave her a final gift of love.  We are always here, so come here often.  It will help ease your pain.  Blessings  Sue
Susan
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JerseyNonna
sawyer, i'm so sorry for your loss of Shelby.  you both did the right thing for Shelby in giving her that greatest gift of love we can offer our friends when they are in pain at the end.  all of us know what you are feeling and unfortunately have all experienced it recently.  besides not sleeping you probably aren't hungry or eating well, perhaps withdrawing from friends or situations where you may have the chance of being emotional in front of them.  grieving takes a huge toll on us and you took care of Shelby as if she were your own and i'm sure she loved you as if you were "her's".  the first few weeks are hard hon, i'm not at all going to sugar coat it by saying it gets better because it becomes manageable but nothing is ever better again because that one loving soul you cared so much about is no longer with you.  I still grieve for the loss of my service dog roxie and I still talk to her daily, and on here.  i'm also sure by now that Shelby's spirit has come back home more often than either you or your roommate have noticed.  watch your dog's behavior around the house when it's quiet and see if he doesn't alert now and then as if he is following something with his eyes.  please remember that we're here for you and many many hugs to you and your roommate.
JerseyNonna
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JM1974
I am so sorry for the loss of your Shelby.  I am a week in after losing my beloved cat.  It has been the hardest thing..you feel so empty and alone after they're gone.  The only advice I can offer is to visit here often it does help soften the blow a bit. 


Take care


James
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jenclyde
I also have PTSD and depended on my boy Sam for emotional support. I've been helped by reading about veterans with service dogs since they really get how important a dog can be for emotional health and healing. It's hard to imagine any of these wounded warriors saying, "It's just a dog." "Until Tuesday" is a good one.
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CKMP
Sawyer,

I also so so sorry for your loss of Shelby.  I wish there was some good advice to give and a way to ease the pain and the hurt.  Like everyone above - it is a hurt like none other ever experienced in my opinion.  Life changes in an instant - and there is absolutely nothing you are able to control about it.  In fact, it seems the minute we lose our special companion we are in control of very little.  Most days it seems like you are just going through the motions - like a 'play' on stage - you are almost outside of your self - like there is you watching you .. . Guilt creeps in to punish us even more and the tears seem like they are never going to stop.  I think GunnersMama and Jersey Nonna have said it as it is - and I took will not "sugar coat" this journey for you.  It is a rough road to travel and it is difficult to travel it alone.  My girl is gone now close to three months and each day seems just as tough as the last.  Still cry at the slightest thing and still question all the decisions made that fateful day.  I feel we get through this but are never the same.  Your dog can maybe be your support for a bit - perhaps Shelby will work through him to see you through this.  I believe our special companions are really never far from us and feel our remaining fur companions are often far more 'sensitive' and 'aware' of the spirit/soul of our lost one.  Shelby knows you loved her, and cared for her - no way she does not!  You made what is most responsible yet heart breaking decision ever to make - and did so out of that love and respect for her.  Grief is just a long road to travel - and it is a chance for us to 'voice' the depth of our love and of our loss.  Be kind to yourself and patient with this - Here is a safe, and non-judgmental place to voice those emotions, those fears, those worries, those thoughts that come into our heads uninvited and are so slow to see the door out.  Shelby is not far, with you at your side - talk to her and she will answer you.    Warm thoughts . . .
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SawyerSpareparts
Thank you so much for all your wonderful replies. Sawyer is the name of my other dog who is left. The one I own. Me and my roommate jokingly call him "Sawyer Spareparts" because he looks like three different dogs all at once (like he was built out of spare parts). I got him as a birthday present when I turned 30. Shelby was here and kind of "taught" him things. He does stuff now because of her that he didn't do the first 5-6 months of living here. For instance there is something called a "rottie rumble" that rottweilers do (it's hard to explain if you haven't heard it happening). Anyway it seems she taught him that. Sawyer is part rottie/pit/shepherd all combined into one big happy ball of fluff. So in the almost two years he spent with her, he picked up some of her noises and quirks (not a ton). It's like she's still here with us in a way. Hearing her sounds and everything. Bittersweet. He slept with me for the first time last night ALL night (he's young so usually he's too distracted to stay down for long) but I think he knew I needed him in here. In January I lost someone who meant the world to me and I am still dealing with that, plus a whole ton of other personal issues, and then this happens. I also am not good at comforting people (even if I'm sure my roommate is way more sad than me since he owned Shelby before I even moved in with him). I guess I feel like a huge jerk because I'm so emotionally closed off to people. Due to being abused as a child I don't like being touched or cuddled or hugging anyone. I've done the best I could to comfort my roommate (he's also my best friend) but I'm kind of not a touchy-feely person. So now I feel guilty like I'm not helping him enough and that I'm coming across as a huge jerk. I keep crying on and off and everything reminds me of her. I don't want to close myself off to her either so I have pictures of her on my computer to look at regularly, watched videos of her last night. I feel if I close stuff off and I just ignore her pictures and things then it'll be more painful later to look at. My roommate gave me her collar to put with the collar of the last dog I put down (it's hanging by my bed with my Sydney's collar she died in 2002). I am just a wreck and I feel like "OMG who even cries this much all the time" but I feel better coming here and see I'm not the only one. Not that it's GOOD that everyone else is in pain but good that I am not behaving abnormally (always been a huge fear of mine). I'm very sorry all of you lost your pets and I hope that it gets better for you as well. Once again, thank you for all your wonderful responses :) 
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