Xingyi
My cat Jessie (one and a half years old) passed away last Sunday (24 November) or maybe Saturday. Here is what happened. He is normally outside during the daytime and returns before midnight. Plus, he often joins me walking my baby around 2 p.m. He is an unusual cat in that way and I think it is very sweet of him. On Saturday night, he did not return home for the first time. And I waited for him the whole night. On Sunday, my husband and I got tipped about a dead cat on the road we usually walk together from Facebook. We received his body and the microchip scanning confirmed that it is Jessie. He was possibly hit by a bus since that road only allow buses going through.

There are several reasons why I think I am somehow responsible for his death.

First, Jessie used to bring home his prey. When we had a walk together on Friday on that bus road, Jessie for the first time cross the road, caught a small rat, brought it in front of me and started playing it in front of me. I guess he was proud of himself. I convinced him to drop it and continued following me home. Apparently, he went back to the same spot on Saturday. I believe he wanted to bring a rat back to me again. And he ended up dead in there. I should never have encouraged him to walk with me.

Second, I did not follow my baby walking routine on Saturday because I was preparing for a party. If I had a walk on Saturday as usual, perhaps Jessie would have followed me back home.

Third, it is getting dark in winter. I should make him wear his collar, which has refection bars on it. In that way, he could have been seen by bus drivers and avoid being hit. My laziness killed him.

Fourth, I keep thinking maybe he was still alive on Saturday night. I could have gone out searching for him and he would still be alive.

Five, I let him out too much since my baby was born. So Jessie probably expands his territory too much and started crossing the bus road by himself.

I can still remember the open wound in his dead body. I still don't want to believe my Jessie died in that way. Last night, I made a key chain out of his remaining fur from the pillow he often sleeps on. It was not much fur. I should have collected more when he was alive. 

Every baby walking in the afternoon was a pleasant time when Jessie was alive. And now every baby walking is torture. Because I still remember which trees Jessie likes to scratch, which spot Jessie likes to pee on, in which area he would hesitate, hide and need my eye contact to encourage him. I failed in taking good care of him. He walks with me as if he is watching out for me, but I failed in protecting him. I don't know how to get through this.

Here is a photo of Jessie purring on my lap. I should have let him be inside more.
IMG_0259-min.jpeg 






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Lfc7118
Xingyi,
I am so sorry about the loss of Jessie. I too recently loss my Tomas because he was hit by a car. I blame myself as well wondering what I could have done differently to change the outcome. It is hard to change your mind I know because I am still working through it. Jessie loved being outside just as my Tomas did. I believe there is nothing we can do to change the outcome no matter how much it hurts. My baby was killed during the day. I let him out just like I did every morning but he never came home. I sadly was not able to find his body the only way I found out was because I walked from place to place until someone told me they had seen the cat that had been hit. I still wish I could have changed his outcome he was only a little over 2 years old. He had only come into my life about 1 and a half ago, but he brought me so much joy. I know that your Jessie brought you much joy as well and the grief will be strong for a while. You have to remember the good times you shared and those times will begin to help you get through the grief. Know that the people on this forum are here for you as long as you need us. We have all experienced the loss of pet in some way and we are here for you to talk through yours.
Hugs, Louetta
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Xingyi
Hi Louetta,

Thanks for sharing your experience and so sorry to hear that your Tomas died in a car accident too. I guess it would be easier to accept if our pets died of aging or disease because we can at least spend the last moment with them. Jessie's death is hard on my husband too, because he had to bring Jessie's body home and bring it to the vet the next day. He hates the fact that Jessie ended up being wrapped in a plastic bag. Jessie was our first cat and we put lots of time and effort in him. He is like our child. The more I think of the good time we spent together, the more I think that he does not deserve to die in a car accident. I don't how long it will take to heal. At least, for now, I want to think about Jessie every day because I think I owe him that. 
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Gucci
Xingyi - My sincerest condolences for the loss of your beloved Jessie. Her happiness and sweetness come through in the photo; thank you for sharing that with us.

I can completely relate to you (and Louetta), as I also lost a very young cat just this past Oct after he was also struck by a car. Sammi was a spectacular 2 and a half year old boy who loved being outside more than anything (besides his tuna treats and neck scratches).

I know it feels absolutely dreadful. It's even harder because they were so, so young, and we had hoped to have them for a long time, years filled with companionship and happiness together.

Please be kind to yourself. Your love for Jessie is so clear in the way you are grieving for her, and in trying so hard to figure out if there might have been a different outcome had you done things differently. 

This was not within our control, and I can tell you were such a wonderful mum to Jessie for as long as you had her in your life. This integrity of responsibility is something both you and your husband can be proud of.

This forum is a wonderfully supportive place to share your feelings and be comforted. We understand the terrible silence in the house, the shock of having to adjust to drastically different everyday routines, and the sense of utter dislocation when we get up and must start another day without our loved one present.

Wishing you peace, and sending you big hugs. 





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Xingyi
Hi Gucci,

Your words are very comforting. Thanks for sharing and deep understanding of the loss of our cats. My husband tried to suggest adopting a new one sometime in the future. But I do not know whether I will ever be ready for that. I tell myself that Jessie might not be happy about another cat using his stuff and occupying his home. And I know it sounds silly, but somehow I need Jessie to tell me it is okay one day. I think I am getting mad.
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Gucci
Xingyi - Whatever you feel, no matter that you may consider it 'irrational', is completely legitimate! And however long it takes you to feel comfortable about a possible new feline family member is something only you can determine.

I still cycle through multiple emotions over the course of a day, sometimes including rage that Sammi was taken from me so senselessly and so prematurely. He had yet to reach full physical maturity, and I was devastated that a creature of such intelligence, playfulness, beauty, curiosity, and ease with other humans and animals was simply snuffed out from one moment to the next.

I don't know the exact details of his death, but I was able to retrieve his body, and we buried him in the front garden where he so loved to be, concealed in the bushes and flowers, watching everything...

I'm including some links that you may find helpful when you have the time/inclination/energy. The first is courtesy of a wonderful forum member, Pennie, who has an incredible website dedicated to her horse Mo. I found the links to the 2 videos on her site especially informative and empathetic.

https://beautifulmo.simdif.com/managing-grief.html
https://whatsyourgrief.com/guilt-and-grief-2/
https://www.veterinarywisdom.com/find-support-for-grief

Peaceful wishes for you.
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Lfc7118
Xingyi,
Losing our fur babies is not easy and it isn't something that we get over quickly. Healing takes time. I know you said your husband mentioned getting another kitty sometime down the road. When I lost my first kitty 4 years ago I never thought I would have another baby, but it was so quiet in my home and I missed being a mommy to a kitty. See I live alone and without my baby here it was so lonely in this. My mother and one of my friends went with me to the humane society and I went to look at an older cat, but this cat didn't seem to like me she hissed at me so I realized she wasn't meant to be with me. So I went into the kitten room and there was this one kitten in a cage by herself. Her name was Kora which is my nieces name but hers is spelled with a C. It just felt right and I brought her home. Her name is Ruby Ann and she has had my heart for 4 years now. She is the reason Tomas came home to live with us. He just showed up one day and she liked him so I let him stay. I have never had a Male cat before but he was such a joy to have even though it was not long enough. When and if you decide to bring another cat into your home will solely be up to your heart. You will know when and if it is right. Just know that while you grieve we are hear to listen and help you through it. It is a hard process. I am still working through mine, but being on here talking to others has helped a lot.
Hugs, Louetta
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