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Oneclassytcher8
Michelle my heart goes out to you. I, too lost my little girl of 11 yrs August 29th. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her and ask God why he took her from me. I from time to time replay that horrible evening in my head and think of what I could have done differently. My Coco was diagnosed with nasal cancer in February and was undergoing a holistic treatment. I,too, tell myself that I should have seen the signs and question my actions. I'm coming to realize that no matter what we could have done the outcome would be the same. They are both now no longer in pain and I believe that she is with my loved ones. My heart aches and I 'till this day cannot take her food bowl out of my dish drain. I know she is gone but I just need it to be there. Every night I would put on her music and tell her it was time to go to sleep. I still play her music every night. In time we will be able to move forward but in baby steps. Again, I am so sorry about Cleo but maybe now she has made friends with my golden chow Coco. I still believe that their spirits are still with us and will always be. Prayers...
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Peazegrl
Dear oneclassytcher8,
Thank you so much for your thought ful letter. I too am so sorry for your loss. Your right it is the guilt that is eating at me..what could I have done, what should I have noticed....I am having such severe anxiety attacks that I feel like I am going to pass..I wish I was going to pass with how much I miss Cleo. I actually still have Cleo's food dish on the floor with her food still in there, I don't want to empty it out because I know her germs are still in there and that's a part of her so I will not get rid of that, it will feel like getting rid of a part of her. Silly, right. My husband thinks it's crazy, he also thinks it's a waste because I won't let him get rid of the bag of dog food I had just bought and is more than half full that Cleo was eating just before she passed. I don't care. This is the hardest loss I ever went through and I lost my Mom when I was 21 and my Dad 2 years ago. I just was never loved the way she loved me...unconditionally, just the way I loved her!
I do hope she is playing with your golden chow and all the other wonderful dogs that are on Rainbow Bridge. Thank you again!
God Bless,
Cleo's Mommy (Michelle)
Michelle Vennero
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annemariet
Dear Michelle,
My heart goes out to you with such compassion. I lost my baby Alyx on Sept 16th  after 14 years of such devoted love and a perfect dog. She never had a sick day or ever was a problem to me ! How lucky and blessed I was to have had a little piece of heaven on earth for 14 years. I too can not believe she is gone. I believed it would get easier but it hasn't and I am beginning to wonder if it ever will. I too feel such pain and loss and ask why did she have to go. Her illness came on so suddenly that I didn't have time to absorb how sick she was never mind having to say goodnight forever! Maybe that is why I am having such a difficult time moving on. I commend you for your courage in keeping out her dishes. I couldn't bear looking at them or her bed. I see her in every room and everywhere I go because she was always with me !!  The tears never stop and the pain never ceases. I want you to know you are not alone in this awful time and you are not crazy when you have your panic attacks. I already suffered from anxiety but now it is twice as severe. Hang in ,cry whenever you want , and know that your baby is watching over you with that same love and devotion as you have for her. If I am not sure of everything else I am sure that our love and devotion for our fur babies goes on forever !!!!


Alyx's Mom
Annemarie resized.jpg 


Annemarie Torcivia
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Peazegrl
Dear Annemariet,
I am so sorry for your loss. Alex was beautiful. Thank you for for your kind, compassionate letter. I too lost Cleo without any warning. She was never sick, she never gave me a problem, she ended up having a stroke ( I thought it was a seizure) I got her to the vet she was still breathing they took her in back and I was so sure they would stabalize her and maybe have to keep her over night, I never expected them to come out 5 minutes later to tell me that she had stopped breathing and she was gone. I didn't even get to be with her at the end. I lost it. They were supposed to save her. I brought her there for nothing. I feel so many different feelings, anger,depression, anxiety, guilt. I feel like I'm going crazy. I try to think of the good memories but then that tragic night just keeps popping in my head and I start to hyperventilate and then the panic attacks kick in.
Thanks again for reaching out to me...it means a lot!
God Bless,
Cleo's mommy (Michelle)
Michelle Vennero
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annemariet
Michelle, my heart is so heavy for your loss of Cleo. There isn't one emotion that you mentioned that we are not feeling together. I don't know if that is any comfort to you but I know it will let you know that at least one other person understands how the good memories are just not strong enough to overcome the bad.......at least not right now. I also understand your anxiety attacks. I went to my doctor because my grief and depression are so bad that I had hoped for him to give me something to ease the pain. His response was you do not need meds but you need to cry and grieve because that is how you get through it. That is how you will change all the mixed feelings one day into peace. I am not sure I agree with him since it is almost impossible to fathom that I will never see her again. I too keep seeing her last day. I was with her but that haunts me also because I feel I wasn't holding her correctly since I couldn;t see her face. I was able to kiss the top of her head and hold her tight but somehow that wasn't enough for me. I guess what I am trying to say is there is always something that we wish could change. Almost like " Could I have.....should I have " but in reality for whatever ungodly reasons it was the way it was supposed to be. I hope you will find some peace soon although it seems so dark in this tunnel.........but we do know there is always light at the end !!! Hang in there and post as often as you need for whatever comfort we can share.

Alyx's Mom 
Annemarie Torcivia
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Peazegrl
Annemariet,
Thank you again, your letters are comforting. There are moments when I am ok, then there are moments when I have a meltdown. I had one in the car which does not make driving too easy. I have to stop myself from digging Cleo up from her spot because I want her with me. It's like I have to fight myself not to. This goes on all day long. My head feels like it's spinning. I hope that you are hanging in there. It is good to be able to talk to someone who is feeling what you feel. I am so sick of hearing that I should be "over it" by now. That really makes me angry, I will never be over it, she was my baby. I appreciate that I can talk with you about Cleo, I hope that you feel the same.
God Bless,
Cleo's Mommy
Michelle Vennero
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Peazegrl
My Darling Baby Girl,
I heard a song today that had me bawling in the car because all I could think about was you. The words were spot on about the way you made me feel. It was "Because you loved me" by Celine Dion. And it was because you loved me that I felt alive, happy etc. I will always love you, and you will always be Mommy's baby girl, I miss you so much, my darling.
I love you always,
Mommy
Michelle Vennero
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annemariet
Hi Michelle,

I can't believe you had a meltdown in your car today because I did the same thing! My days are like a roller coaster. Some days I just cry all the time. Today in the car I remembered how she loved to sit in my lap and look out the window. That was enough to make me cry for the rest of the day. As far as you should get over it.....they just don't get it !!!! We lost a child. No difference at all . Why because they were not human beings? Well let me tell them that I got more from my non human then they could even imagine of giving. I shed more tears for my Alyx then for any human with the exception of my son and his family. When they are willing to give you the same love and devotion that Cleo gave to you then they maybe will get it !!! You have enough to do with getting through each day without listening to "You have to get over it." I get it and so do a lot of people on this site so you can pour your heart out (or what's left of it ) and I will listen as you do for me. Hopefully it will get a little better even though I don't know when. I still can not believe she is gone and more importantly I will never see her again. I wish you peace soon......

Annemarie
Annemarie Torcivia
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Peazegrl
Dear Annemarie,
It seems that we are going through the same emotions. You are right, it is like a roller coaster, a ride I never liked. I haven't gotten right back to you because I have been trying to read, watch movies, sleep, anything to get the night Cleo passed out of my mind but nothing works. I can't take seeing her spot outside in the yard either. I see it Everytime I take my other baby out and I feel sick to my stomach. I glance at it but that's about it, I try to go to the spot, I had a stone made with her name and DOB and DOD and I know she is there but I can't bring myself to look at the spot for too long. Then at night I have to fight myself from going outside and digging her up from her spot because I think she is so cold and she needs to be inside with me where she belongs! I feel like I am losing it! I hope you are doing better. I am thinking of you. Thanks for listening. I also hope you find peace!
God Bless,
Michelle
Michelle Vennero
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annemariet
hi Michelle, Do not worry about not getting back to me. My notes are meant to give you some comfort. I know what that last day or night is like reliving it over and over. You need to have positive thoughts and actions. Try not to do things that require focusing. I have to  work and I find myself crying because I feel guilty not thinking about her. We need to know that our lives have to have more positive than negative so we can help with the pain and guilt and anger and all those horrible feelings. I wish you had cremated Cleo so the constant reminder every day would not be there. I know you probably don't want to hear that but having Alyx's ashes near me lets me feel she is here (not much though). There is nothing we can do to make it go away because the truth is it will not go away. The why's will never stop. I know I told you before there is a reason for everything........which leads to what is the reason. I understand it is a vicious circle that only you and I can change. So this is what we are going to do......reconcile a piece of your heart and life has left you to never be the same as before. Say a prayer every day for Cleo, tell her you love her and that some day you will see her again .......so wait for me. Hard ...yes but necessary. We can not go on forever crying, not eating and not sleeping. Jazzie will have no one and it is not fair. Cleo would not want you to be this way. Kiss Jazzie and let him/her know that he/she is still loved. I am doing a little better. I wish the same for you soon.

Annemarie
Annemarie Torcivia
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loft2111
Hi Michelle,
I am so sorry for your loss, your stories brought tears to my eyes.  I lost my Little Man two weeks ago tomorrow and am starting to wonder if life will ever be the same.  We thought about burying him in the yard, but like you I was afraid that I would want to dig him up and not leave him alone so we decided to cremate him.  I open his urn ever single day, I hold his ashes and trace his paw print with my finger, I talk to him and I cry for him every single day.  You are not going crazy, grief is a very intense emotion, it's normal to go through all of the feelings you are going through.  Yesterday my day was steady, I was sad and cried but was able to cook again and go to the gym.  Today I received a card with a donation made in his memory to the shelter I found him at and started to just lose it, I had a major breakdown.  Roller coaster days are something we all go through and all part of this painful process.  Every single second I miss him, I miss him when I'm working and him being by my feet, I miss when I'm cooking and him staring and begging with his eyes, I miss not being able to walk him, the list goes on and on, I just miss him, every fiber of him.  I hope we all find comfort and peace. 
hugs to you
Little Man's mom Ann
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