You anguish is palpable. I too am beating myself up for leaving my sweet Roary ay the vets. and wasn’t there when he died - I have been hating myself for that since June 20th. But here’s the thing, I’m sick - like really sick, and I have to chose to fight or wither away. I could do it, I have the perfect excuse, I could go on disability right now, lie in my bed, and just wait. But I have a young daughter so I take the poison that’s supposed help, I take the pills to tolerate the poison, I walk on feet so riddled with neuropathy and go to work everyday and spend my lunch break at physical Therapy. Anyway, I’m not trying to be dramatic or self pitying (although sometimes I am) or day my situation is worse than yours (because it’s not - your anguish is as bad as bad can get I can hear it what you wrote) maybe I was lucky to have something to fight against. It took me several weeks after he passed to start fighting again. Don’t get me wrong - I haven’t forgiven myself and the grief still hits and I still cry. But I’m up and I’m fighting and sometimes that requires so much energy I somehow forget to grieve for a while
You have your dogs and your husband (who its just crappy he doesn’t want to listen to your anguish) I’m sorry. But you have a lot (maybe more I don’t know about) and your sweet dog would want you to fight to have your life - you gave your dog a happy life and you deserve one too. Your other dogs need you too. Pleas if you need to talk to a doctor for medication. Also have you tried calling daybydaypetsupport.com they have a hotline so you can actually talk to a person. 484-453-8210 try them.
And from one former smoker to another - stop now before you are addicted again. You don’t want to end up sick like me. My problems “might” be related to my former smoking (I quit years ago) and just knowing that I may have caused the agony I am in now pains me greatly. I quit several times over the years (often for a several months or a year at a time) and then some heartbreaking tragedy would bring me back to it. In the end, it just isn’t worth it. You sweet dog would want you to take care of yourself.