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redgirlraven
I am so glad you have a granddaughter and five cats and dogs.  I know how painful it is.  I am a crazy cat lady.  I take in the strays (and feral) that come my way and I love them with everything I have.  Roary was my heart kitty.  I am convinced my daughter wouldn't be here were it not for him.   I was very sick during my pregnancy, I had hyperemisis and omitted almost all day and night of my pregnancy - including the day I delivered.  I was in and out of the hospital.  Had to go on disability temporarily and literally was on full bed rest.  Roary spent every minute of my bedrest next to me and I had a huge pot I would vomit into becuase going back and forth to the bathroom was too exhausting.  He would just wait patiently or rub against me while I vomited. I swear my daughter knew his meow better than my voice. when she was born.  He was a vocal boy.
Anyway, I have had so much guilt.  he was there for me when I was sick, depressed, and isolated and I wasn't there for him when he passed away.  Just typing it makes me cry.  I know how guilt is.  Grief and guilt are so intertwined.  
I really hope you can start to heal, but I am sure it will be several weeks before you can see some light again, take a deep breath again, sleep well and wake up without crying.  It took me several weeks.  Like I said, I still cry- just not as many times a day. There are occasionally days when I don't cry at all.  
sleep if you can, and if you can't I recommend calling a doctor to see if you can get something to help you.  If you can't sleep you can't heal.  Melatonin works well for many - be sure an take it a few hours before bedtime.  If the clouds don't lift in a few weeks, you might begin to consider an antidepressant.  I really think sometimes we need a reset for our brains, I think antidepressants can do just that for us sometimes.  It won't erase your grief or your guilt, but it might make it more possible to bear the weight of it.
AR
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Sayuri
redgirlraven wrote:
Sayuri,
You anguish is palpable. I too am beating myself up for leaving my sweet Roary ay the vets. and wasn’t there when he died - I have been hating myself for that since June 20th. But here’s the thing, I’m sick - like really sick, and I have to chose to fight or wither away. I could do it, I have the perfect excuse, I could go on disability right now, lie in my bed, and just wait. But I have a young daughter so I take the poison that’s supposed help, I take the pills to tolerate the poison, I walk on feet so riddled with neuropathy and go to work everyday and spend my lunch break at physical Therapy. Anyway, I’m not trying to be dramatic or self pitying (although sometimes I am) or day my situation is worse than yours (because it’s not - your anguish is as bad as bad can get I can hear it what you wrote) maybe I was lucky to have something to fight against. It took me several weeks after he passed to start fighting again. Don’t get me wrong - I haven’t forgiven myself and the grief still hits and I still cry. But I’m up and I’m fighting and sometimes that requires so much energy I somehow forget to grieve for a while
You have your dogs and your husband (who its just crappy he doesn’t want to listen to your anguish) I’m sorry. But you have a lot (maybe more I don’t know about) and your sweet dog would want you to fight to have your life - you gave your dog a happy life and you deserve one too. Your other dogs need you too. Pleas if you need to talk to a doctor for medication. Also have you tried calling daybydaypetsupport.com they have a hotline so you can actually talk to a person. 484-453-8210 try them.
And from one former smoker to another - stop now before you are addicted again. You don’t want to end up sick like me. My problems “might” be related to my former smoking (I quit years ago) and just knowing that I may have caused the agony I am in now pains me greatly. I quit several times over the years (often for a several months or a year at a time) and then some heartbreaking tragedy would bring me back to it. In the end, it just isn’t worth it. You sweet dog would want you to take care of yourself.
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redgirlraven
I am so glad you have a granddaughter and five cats and dogs.  I know how painful it is.  I am a crazy cat lady.  I take in the strays (and feral) that come my way and I love them with everything I have.  Roary was my heart kitty.  I am convinced my daughter wouldn't be here were it not for him.   I was very sick during my pregnancy, I had hyperemisis and omitted almost all day and night of my pregnancy - including the day I delivered.  I was in and out of the hospital.  Had to go on disability temporarily and literally was on full bed rest.  Roary spent every minute of my bedrest next to me and I had a huge pot I would vomit into becuase going back and forth to the bathroom was too exhausting.  He would just wait patiently or rub against me while I vomited. I swear my daughter knew his meow better than my voice. when she was born.  He was a vocal boy.
Anyway, I have had so much guilt.  he was there for me when I was sick, depressed, and isolated and I wasn't there for him when he passed away.  Just typing it makes me cry.  I know how guilt is.  Grief and guilt are so intertwined.  
I really hope you can start to heal, but I am sure it will be several weeks before you can see some light again, take a deep breath again, sleep well and wake up without crying.  It took me several weeks.  Like I said, I still cry- just not as many times a day. There are occasionally days when I don't cry at all.  
sleep if you can, and if you can't I recommend calling a doctor to see if you can get something to help you.  If you can't sleep you can't heal.  Melatonin works well for many - be sure an take it a few hours before bedtime.  If the clouds don't lift in a few weeks, you might begin to consider an antidepressant.  I really think sometimes we need a reset for our brains, I think antidepressants can do just that for us sometimes.  It won't erase your grief or your guilt, but it might make it more possible to bear the weight of it.
AR
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