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Memories_of_Marmalade

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Reply with quote  #16 


Dear Pamela,

Whenever I see a new post from you, I immediately know to reach for a box of Kleenex as your writing is so eloquent, so gracious, so heartfelt, so kind, so compassionate and so powerful, that I know tears are going to be falling from my eyes before I finish reading your first paragraphs. Thank you again so, so much for always being so sweet to me here. You've been an inspiration to me, and countless others and we remain indebted to you for your words, insights and great wisdom.

: *** )

All my very best regards,
James
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Memories_of_Marmalade

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Reply with quote  #17 




Thank you Patsy. I certainly will. I truly value your great knowledge and experience. You've helped me immeasurably since my arrival here on this forum. Your ongoing input, guidance and experience has always been appreciated by me and many others. 

All best again,
James
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Memories_of_Marmalade

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Reply with quote  #18 


Dear Karen (AKA Doxiemom),

Thank you for sharing and your input and good wishes. They are appreciated more than you know.

My very best regards,
James
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Doxiemom

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Reply with quote  #19 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Memories_of_Marmalade


Dear Karen (AKA Doxiemom),

Thank you for sharing and your input and good wishes. They are appreciated more than you know.

My very best regards,
James
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Doxiemom

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Reply with quote  #20 
Of course . Some days are better than others. My intention is to eventually get off the antidepressants ,
But right now I need to stay on them, Take care of yourself James and let us know how you are doing. One day at a time !
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Memories_of_Marmalade

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Reply with quote  #21 


Thank you Karen, I will.

Today is day 9 of my Prozac Journey (lol.). It's definitely been up and down so far, but I am going to go the distance.

Today has been odd, I have been feeling "giddy" all day. Like feeling goosebumps rise on my arms and my hairs on my arms and back of my neck standing on end. Lol. I'll take those feelings and experiences anytime, over feeling as if I am being walked to the gallows! 

James
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Sil

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Reply with quote  #22 
James,

Just repeating what everyone else said, "You have been offering such caring words filled with compassion and empathy for everyone here".  Right, before losing my father, I started to suffer from depression and anxiety attacks.  I went to see my family doctor and he prescribed me paxil….I came home and "flushed all the pills down the toilet".  Not a bright decision.  I was very hesitant to take "antidepressants", for some reason, I was under the impression, that I just needed to stop being "weak".  My family doctor referred me to a psychiatrist.  After, a couple of years...the depression was cured.  Now, I just take medication for anxiety attacks.

With your post, you have helped to many people, thank you for being brave.  Marmalade is "purring down on you". 
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BeautifulDK

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Reply with quote  #23 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Memories_of_Marmalade

Dear Everyone (Fellow Grief & Regret Survivors),

I gave up (or I supposed I finally gave in.) I realized that without some kind of medical intervention, I was quite possibly not going to survive my overwhelming grief, sorrow, guilt and regret. So as I posted on a few other threads, last Monday I went to a local Psychiatric Hospital ER and obtained a prescription for Prozac. It only took a few hours to meet with a Dr. and get the prescription.
I had headed out to do so before, but I always turned back. At times at the last minute. This time I stuck to my guns and went the distance.

The sad & honest truth is, I probably should have been on antidepressants decades ago. As I had a very difficult childhood (an extremely abusive alcoholic and mentally ill Father) and have faced a lot of challenges, setbacks, heartbreak and losses in my life, over the decades. But I think I was always far too depressed to seek proper help. I "was too depressed to seek antidepressants", if that makes any sense.

As I have shared here, my boy "Marmalade" (my beloved cat who I had put to sleep 12 weeks ago this Thursday) saved my life many times, just with his presence. In many ways he was an (uncertified) "Emotional Support Animal." He was like a walking antidepressant to me. Each time I saw him, no matter what was going on at the time, I would immediately smile, my eyes would light-up and I would cheer up. And as I have written here in my posts, Marmalade taught me about being grateful, feeling blessed & content and living in the moment, no matter what we were experiencing or enduring. Now, almost 3 months after he departed this plane of existence, he once again saves my life. He steps in. He intervenes. Without his recent loss, I would not have sought the medical attention I just obtained. 

I have been surprised at how just 5mg's to 10mg's (I am stepping out the dosage) of the antidepressant medication is already impacting my overall mental state. I am still depressed and anxiety ridden at times, but do not go as deeply as I was going. My mind feels like it is stopping that descent into darkness automatically. It is a very, very odd feeling letting that depression finally go. I was so, so used to it. I had adapted fully to it. Things are feeling different. I am still sad, but it is not on the level that it recently was. And each day it is changing. 

I am hoping and praying for the best. I never want to return to the depressive state I was in ever again. I will always mourn the loss of my beloved boy, but he never wanted me (like all of your pets never wanted each one of you) to be sad. He liked making me happy and seeing me smile, laugh and be content in our life together. His purrs reconfirmed this time and again.

James


I echo what is being said here. You have been giving us so much friendship in this difficult time! Well done for seeking help - whatever shape and size in might come in. You help us thru VALIDATION. That is a mighty “Prozac” for me. Thank you :)

https://drlanileary.com/2012/03/19/the-key-to-resolving-grief/
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Memories_of_Marmalade

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Reply with quote  #24 

Dear Gabriela,

Thank you kindly for your very gracious, understanding and supportive comments. They truly inspire me. I am so glad that you found this forum and have been posting here. Your presence and contributions are very much appreciated. You made me smile and that means the World to me during these challenging times.

Dear Sil,

I also appreciate your very kind and inspiring words. Thank you for taking the time to read my post and to leave an uplifting comment here on this thread. You also made me smile with your graciousness.

My very best regards,
James
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redgirlraven

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Reply with quote  #25 
James,
I know I have told you before, but without you  (and by that same token Marmalade) I never would have made it these last two months since my sweet Roary died.  I found myself clutching his tin of ashes today and crying.  I too need medication.  I know I do.  So, once again I thank you for being here to share your grief and the steps you are taking to survive it and inspire me.  I will go to the urgent care today.  
I have been afraid to betray Roary again by seeking relief from the suffering.  I know he wouldn't want this for me, but I failed him in his final days and for well over a year as I separated my from my husband. The guilt I feel from those lost precious times with him has kept me in a mindset where I feel like I deserve this suffering and that maybe through t I can prove my love for him.  I would be lying if I said I didn't still feel that way,  Maybe with antidepressants I can at least move forward a little.  
I just never want to leave my sweet Roary behind.
Again James, I thank you.

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Memories_of_Marmalade

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Reply with quote  #26 


Dear Anne,

I can completely relate to the desire for penitence, but as you know, our boys would not want us to feel down, depressed or guilty.
They were all about lifting our spirits on a daily basis. Making us feel loved and appreciated and adored. That is why they would purr when they knew that we were happy and smiling. They knew they could cheer us up, just by being with us.

My heart continues to break for you AR. I know how much you adored your boy Roary. I send you many hugs and my warmest wishes that you feel better. I will pray for you again this evening. I am always uplifted when someone writes that I may have helped them in some small way here on this forum. It is more than inspiring to me personally. It makes the pain and the loss we are all experiencing, have some kind of value, if we can help one another here I suppose. 

I am on day 12 now of the antidepressant and it has absolutely helped me and has lessened my grief in different ways. I wish that I did not need to take it, but my mind was so traumatized from my loss and grief it just needed a boost of serotonin I suppose. Again, I hope and pray that you feel better soon Anne. 

My kindest regards,
James
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Sil

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Reply with quote  #27 
James,

Even through all your pain and suffering.... you have continue to support all here with your writing, your very detailed stories of your Marmalade - he is precious - and with so much empathy.  Please, continue with your treatment, do not stop.  Any mental condition is like any other illness.  Believe me I know.  These amazing creatures filled our lives with such an unconditional love, unconditional loyalty, non-judgmental listening ability, unconditional..... the list could go on and on.  And, in return,
they just want "us".... just as we are.  When is their time to leave us, the emptiness is overwhelming, the pain immense.  Even breathing is hard.

Again, thank you for offering such kind words full of empathy.
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Sayuri

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Reply with quote  #28 
It is difficult for many to understand the pain we feel. I even wonder how it's possible that losing relatives or friends was bearable, but after the loss of Sayuri, taking a breath was painful. I felt like nothing mattered and I just wanted to stay in bed and scream. Having an anxiety attack was worst than ever because I thought of her having one after another for 36 hours.

I know that had she been home she wouldn't have died. she was a healthy girl that got a rare disease, but we were managing it. Mild pneumonia is not a death sentence. They weren't able to determine that she was panting and having problems breathing was due to her anxiety. And that's what's hurting the most.

I had a meltdown at three am two or three days ago, and it's when I started taking Clonazepam and Wellbutrin. I think I need to change medications as I'm functioning but my mind doesn't stop the constant thinking and thinking. Seeing my little girl cornered and breathing hard.

All I can do is come here to find relief from my pain. I want to go back to that day and fix everything.

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redgirlraven

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Reply with quote  #29 
Sayuri,
I completely understand. I lost a beloved family member a year and a half ago and I did not grieve him as I have my cats. I have thought a lot about this and I believe it is because our pets rely on us 100% and they can’t tell us what is wrong, what they want, and what they don’t. They rely on us to read their minds and hearts. We are totally responsible. That responsibility breeds intimacy and quilt. The guilt of my cats last days (and another time in his life where I feel I let him down) is staggering. I too have cyclical thoughts that torment me.
I wish peace and forgiveness for all of us.

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COOKIES4

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Reply with quote  #30 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Memories_of_Marmalade

Dear Everyone (Fellow Grief & Regret Survivors),

I gave up (or I supposed I finally gave in.) I realized that without some kind of medical intervention, I was quite possibly not going to survive my overwhelming grief, sorrow, guilt and regret. So as I posted on a few other threads, last Monday I went to a local Psychiatric Hospital ER and obtained a prescription for Prozac. It only took a few hours to meet with a Dr. and get the prescription.
I had headed out to do so before, but I always turned back. At times at the last minute. This time I stuck to my guns and went the distance.

The sad & honest truth is, I probably should have been on antidepressants decades ago. As I had a very difficult childhood (an extremely abusive alcoholic and mentally ill Father) and have faced a lot of challenges, setbacks, heartbreak and losses in my life, over the decades. But I think I was always far too depressed to seek proper help. I "was too depressed to seek antidepressants", if that makes any sense.

As I have shared here, my boy "Marmalade" (my beloved cat who I had put to sleep 12 weeks ago this Thursday) saved my life many times, just with his presence. In many ways he was an (uncertified) "Emotional Support Animal." He was like a walking antidepressant to me. Each time I saw him, no matter what was going on at the time, I would immediately smile, my eyes would light-up and I would cheer up. And as I have written here in my posts, Marmalade taught me about being grateful, feeling blessed & content and living in the moment, no matter what we were experiencing or enduring. Now, almost 3 months after he departed this plane of existence, he once again saves my life. He steps in. He intervenes. Without his recent loss, I would not have sought the medical attention I just obtained. 

I have been surprised at how just 5mg's to 10mg's (I am stepping out the dosage) of the antidepressant medication is already impacting my overall mental state. I am still depressed and anxiety ridden at times, but do not go as deeply as I was going. My mind feels like it is stopping that descent into darkness automatically. It is a very, very odd feeling letting that depression finally go. I was so, so used to it. I had adapted fully to it. Things are feeling different. I am still sad, but it is not on the level that it recently was. And each day it is changing. 

I am hoping and praying for the best. I never want to return to the depressive state I was in ever again. I will always mourn the loss of my beloved boy, but he never wanted me (like all of your pets never wanted each one of you) to be sad. He liked making me happy and seeing me smile, laugh and be content in our life together. His purrs reconfirmed this time and again.

James
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