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Memories_of_Marmalade

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Dear Everyone (Fellow Grief & Regret Survivors),

I gave up (or I supposed I finally gave in.) I realized that without some kind of medical intervention, I was quite possibly not going to survive my overwhelming grief, sorrow, guilt and regret. So as I posted on a few other threads, last Monday I went to a local Psychiatric Hospital ER and obtained a prescription for Prozac. It only took a few hours to meet with a Dr. and get the prescription.
I had headed out to do so before, but I always turned back. At times at the last minute. This time I stuck to my guns and went the distance.

The sad & honest truth is, I probably should have been on antidepressants decades ago. As I had a very difficult childhood (an extremely abusive alcoholic and mentally ill Father) and have faced a lot of challenges, setbacks, heartbreak and losses in my life, over the decades. But I think I was always far too depressed to seek proper help. I "was too depressed to seek antidepressants", if that makes any sense.

As I have shared here, my boy "Marmalade" (my beloved cat who I had put to sleep 12 weeks ago this Thursday) saved my life many times, just with his presence. In many ways he was an (uncertified) "Emotional Support Animal." He was like a walking antidepressant to me. Each time I saw him, no matter what was going on at the time, I would immediately smile, my eyes would light-up and I would cheer up. And as I have written here in my posts, Marmalade taught me about being grateful, feeling blessed & content and living in the moment, no matter what we were experiencing or enduring. Now, almost 3 months after he departed this plane of existence, he once again saves my life. He steps in. He intervenes. Without his recent loss, I would not have sought the medical attention I just obtained. 

I have been surprised at how just 5mg's to 10mg's (I am stepping out the dosage) of the antidepressant medication is already impacting my overall mental state. I am still depressed and anxiety ridden at times, but do not go as deeply as I was going. My mind feels like it is stopping that descent into darkness automatically. It is a very, very odd feeling letting that depression finally go. I was so, so used to it. I had adapted fully to it. Things are feeling different. I am still sad, but it is not on the level that it recently was. And each day it is changing. 

I am hoping and praying for the best. I never want to return to the depressive state I was in ever again. I will always mourn the loss of my beloved boy, but he never wanted me (like all of your pets never wanted each one of you) to be sad. He liked making me happy and seeing me smile, laugh and be content in our life together. His purrs reconfirmed this time and again.

James
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huckleberry1918

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Reply with quote  #2 
Thank you James for posting this message and for being who you are. You have helped so many people, myself included, on this forum. Your description of your relationship with Marmalade is just like my relationship with Huckleberry. I've had pets die before, but I've never had one as close to me as Huckleberry.

As for the antidepressant, I've been thinking about doing the same. However, I have crappy insurance and I'd have to pay for the whole doctor's visit. I'm going to explore medicinal medicines. I've already googled it, and I'm going to get a bottle of St John's Wort. I'll see if that helps me. 

I'm going to find Banjo and give him a hug now.
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Mysweetsimba

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Hi James
You need to do what you need to do.
I have found some things have helped in tho, for instance, John Bradshaw inner child work was such a success it was put in PBS- check it out in order on YouTube. It was revolutionary for me.
Thanks for showing how we are all on this journey together.
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Momtozeus

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Dear James,
I am so sorry to hear the struggle that you have been going through .. but lI am also glad to hear that you sought out help for yourself. That was very brave of you and i am sure very hard as well. When we are grieving I notice that we really donโ€™t take care of ourselves we are so heartbroken its like we donโ€™t care.
Marmalade has once again helped you, that is beautiful ๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’™
You have offered comfort and reached out to so many here , myself included, and I hope that we can help you now as you navigate through this. You will be in my prayers...... take it one step at a time... feel better..
Michelle
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Memories_of_Marmalade

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Thank you to everyone above for your very supportive words. They mean the World to me and inspire me. I have been for fortunate to have discovered this forum and the amazing people here, who have been posting and commenting for many years (our Veteran's), the folks who joined around the time that I did, and then the new arrivals who keep on carrying the torch!

Huckleberry 1918 - Thank you. I had tried St. John's Wort years ago, and although it did help somewhat, it was nothing compared to this Prozac. Which is proving to be nothing short of miraculous. Each time I feel I am about to fall into a massive depression and into the Abyss, I don't. It is very compelling. Modern medicine. I wish I had taken it many decades ago.

My Sweet Simba - Thank you. I am familiar with John Bradshaw, yes! Absolutely incredible information on Dysfunctional Family Dynamics. I've also read a slew of self-help books, but I kept on hitting a wall, year after year with my depression. I finally decided enough was enough due to the loss of my Marmalade. I am getting a little to old now and was worried that my deep depression and ongoing grief might actually damage me physically. And I might never fully recover. I needed some kind of serious boost, and this medication is working. I can't explain the feeling. So odd but reassuring. The light is beginning to shine again it seems. And it is shining differently. As it is supposed to. That feeling of dreadful melancholia and loss is not constantly hanging over me like a dark cloud.

Mom To Zeus - Thank you. It was a big step for me. I'm still not certain why. I knew I was in a deep depression, but could simply not get myself to a Doctor to deal with it. And it was fast and easy and over before I knew it. And I had a bottle of Prozac in my hand. It was strange, but now I just treat it like a Vitamin or Supplement. I have a chemical imbalance from trauma and loss. And my mind needs a boost. I was in a downward spiral and I had to get myself back on track. 

Yes, you have all helped me too and continue to help me through all of this. Again, my cup runneth over with gratitude for each and everyone of you! : ** )

Hugs,
James




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Jan_H

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James,

Thank you again for sharing. In the time I have been on this forum you have been a constant presence of support and shared so much to so many people in need. Your kind words and your compassion have comforted many here. I am glad you took that step to get some help with your depression and that the medicine you are taking is helping. I can envision Marmalade nodding his head in encouragement and purring for you.

Take care,
Jan
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pannklaus

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Reply with quote  #7 
Hi James,

I am glad that you have found a drug that works for you.  I went on Wellbutrin when I needed it and it was a miracle drug for me.  There is so much we don't  understand about the brain.  Research is really just getting started.  I think that someday there will no longer be a distinction made between mental and physical disease. They will all be regarded as brain diseases, which is what I think they are and why medication works so well for some people.  I am now dealing with Parkinson's meds.  It took awhile to get them adjusted but right now they are working well for me.  It is a blessing when there are drugs that work and I am glad that you have found what you have probably needed for a long time.  Patsy

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Jcunnane

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So proud of you, James. It takes a lot of courage to get help or to even admit that you may need some extra help. I know Marmalade is looking down smiling...beaming with happiness that his dad, his best friend is taking proactive steps to feel better.

Cheers to letting go of the overwhelming depression and anxiety and to brighter days ahead! ๐Ÿงก

HUGS!
Jackie

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Bubby's (Milo) Mommy - Always & Forever My Little Man ๐Ÿ’œ

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Memories_of_Marmalade

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Thank you Jan, Pasty and Jackie, As always you three words mean so much to me. You've been so consistently kind, compassionate and supportive of me and I sure do appreciate it.

Thanks Jackie for your courage comment, to be honest, it's been a bit embarrassing and humiliating to admit I need the medication, especially with the social stigma attached, but I felt that if I could help just one person also see that they may need medication, it would be worth it. It would give even more meaning to having to go through all of this.

Again, I thank you dear ladies.

Kind regards,
James
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Jan_H

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Reply with quote  #10 
Oh no, it should not be embarrassing or humiliating to get help. To me it is no different than getting help for high cholesterol or high blood pressure or...

Take care and be kind to yourself.

Jan

Hope to see pix of KID soon.
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Jcunnane

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Memories_of_Marmalade


Thank you Jan, Pasty and Jackie, As always you three words mean so much to me. You've been so consistently kind, compassionate and supportive of me and I sure do appreciate it.

Yes, Jackie, it's a bit embarrassing and humiliating to admit I need the medication, especially with the social stigma attached, but I felt that if I could help just one person also see that they may need medication, it would be worth it. It would give even more meaning to having to go through all of this.

Again, I thank you dear ladies.

Kind regards,
James


Absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about, James. You're being proactive. You want to feel better. THAT is something to be PROUD of. Kudos to you! 

HUGS!
Jackie

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Bubby's (Milo) Mommy - Always & Forever My Little Man ๐Ÿ’œ

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JinglesMom

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Reply with quote  #12 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Memories_of_Marmalade

Dear Everyone (Fellow Grief & Regret Survivors),

I gave up (or I supposed I finally gave in.) I realized that without some kind of medical intervention, I was quite possibly not going to survive my overwhelming grief, sorrow, guilt and regret. So as I posted on a few other threads, last Monday I went to a local Psychiatric Hospital ER and obtained a prescription for Prozac. It only took a few hours to meet with a Dr. and get the prescription.
I had headed out to do so before, but I always turned back. At times at the last minute. This time I stuck to my guns and went the distance.

The sad & honest truth is, I probably should have been on antidepressants decades ago. As I had a very difficult childhood (an extremely abusive alcoholic and mentally ill Father) and have faced a lot of challenges, setbacks, heartbreak and losses in my life, over the decades. But I think I was always far too depressed to seek proper help. I "was too depressed to seek antidepressants", if that makes any sense.

As I have shared here, my boy "Marmalade" (my beloved cat who I had put to sleep 12 weeks ago this Thursday) saved my life many times, just with his presence. In many ways he was an (uncertified) "Emotional Support Animal." He was like a walking antidepressant to me. Each time I saw him, no matter what was going on at the time, I would immediately smile, my eyes would light-up and I would cheer up. And as I have written here in my posts, Marmalade taught me about being grateful, feeling blessed & content and living in the moment, no matter what we were experiencing or enduring. Now, almost 3 months after he departed this plane of existence, he once again saves my life. He steps in. He intervenes. Without his recent loss, I would not have sought the medical attention I just obtained. 

I have been surprised at how just 5mg's to 10mg's (I am stepping out the dosage) of the antidepressant medication is already impacting my overall mental state. I am still depressed and anxiety ridden at times, but do not go as deeply as I was going. My mind feels like it is stopping that descent into darkness automatically. It is a very, very odd feeling letting that depression finally go. I was so, so used to it. I had adapted fully to it. Things are feeling different. I am still sad, but it is not on the level that it recently was. And each day it is changing. 

I am hoping and praying for the best. I never want to return to the depressive state I was in ever again. I will always mourn the loss of my beloved boy, but he never wanted me (like all of your pets never wanted each one of you) to be sad. He liked making me happy and seeing me smile, laugh and be content in our life together. His purrs reconfirmed this time and again.

James


Dear James,

Thank you so much for sharing your news, and I wanted to let you know that I  really admire your courage for being able to seek help when needed. I applaud you for stepping up on this forum, and for letting others know that sadness and sorrow go hand in hand with loss, but sometimes the darkness is just all encompassing, and sometimes it lasts so long and we cannot find our way back to the light. I so often wish that I had gone to the doctor's and requested medication with my first loss of my beloved Jasper, as I was in such a very bad place. I would put on my good and happy face at work, and I would function and do what needed to be done, but I could not wait to return home in the evening, so I could shut everyone out, and be all consumed by my grief. I always called it "sinking into my grief".

I lived in two worlds basically, but my life was totally immersed in the before and after, before I lost him and after I lost him, and I know that you can so understand. I started to withdraw and isolate, and I only wish that I would have had the fortitude and strength to let someone know how I was feeling, and ask for help. I kept having vivid flashbacks of our last moments together, every detail in place, it was as though I was right back there in time. PTSD I don't know, perhaps, the trauma of it all felt very real to me. I finally did make it through with the help of my God, my faith, my prayers, and my wonderful friends here, but it did not have to be like this, and it did not have to continue on for so long, so again let me say that I give you so much credit for this.

 As so many others on this forum have said, let me just repeat, you have been a constant and consistent source of comfort here for us in our time of need and sadness, and we all recognize that. You have given those in a very dark place peace in their heart and the hope to go on, with your wonderful and compassionate words, the way you relate to their stories, and your special understanding of each situation and relationship. It all comes down to this, and I will write this without my usual flowery words and poetic phrases โ€ฆ  You get it. You get what this struggle is all about, you get what it feels like to not even be able to breathe because your heart is so heavy, you get it, and I for one am so happy and grateful to be able to gain new insight and knowledge on my own journey because of you, and see things from a whole different perspective, and grow in a way that I never thought possible, and you have certainly added to that with your writings and your take on this relentless roller coaster of grief.

You have given so much of your time and so much of your very self here with your wonderful and perceptive words, and in your unfaltering support of those who are hurting, all this while you are in the midst of your own sadness. I hope that you know and can feel how much we appreciate your kindness and encouragement, when we have needed it the very most. I cannot thank you enough for your warm and wonderful words and replies on my posts which mean so very much to me. when I would so often pour my very heart and soul out here. Your Marmalade must be just bursting with pride and happiness to see you carry on his legacy of light, hope, and promise. Your sweet and special boy did intervene, he did step in, he did save your life, just as you saved his. He chose you for a reason to be his person, and you would choose him all over again, because that once in a lifetime love always surpasses the pain. Thank you again for being here for us all... Pamela, Mom to Jingles, Jasper, and Pootie Tang

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Pamela Lynne Crawford
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pannklaus

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Reply with quote  #13 
Hi James,

In re-reading your post, I noticed the sentence about the odd feeling you had of letting your depression go when you were so used to living with it.   I had the same feeling when I went on medication.  Over time I would sometimes go off of my medication because I felt that I deserved to be depressed and in an odd way I missed it.  Soon I would start really going down and then I would remember how miserable I was, decide  that I really didn't want that and go back on my medication again.  This pattern is not unusual so don't be surprised if it happens to you.  My doctor was very familiar with it.  She allowed me the "choice" of being depressed if that was really what I wanted, knowing that in a week or two I would be back on my medication.   Giving up any very long-term behavior is a big change and there can be all kinds of complexities around it.  If you start getting into any of these patterns, be sure to write me about it.  Patsy

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Doxiemom

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Reply with quote  #14 
The medication certainly helps. In my case Iโ€™m taking 10mg celexa which is a step down from what I was taking before I lost my pup (May 20 this year). Iโ€™ve been on medication for some time but losing him has given me a new challenge . I wish you all the best James.
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huckleberry1918

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Reply with quote  #15 
I bought some St Johns Wort and took 600mg of it, a couple of hours ago. I'm going to see if that helps. Right now, I have grief of Huckleberry and I'm getting anxiety about money. My wife and I went out for a drive earlier, and that helped with my depression and anxiety. Huckleberry has been missing now for 46 days. The pain and depression seems to be wearing off, but it still hits me hard at times. I have a song that always reminds me of him and they played it on the radio, while we were driving. I had to stop talking and I changed the station after about 10 seconds. I miss him alot.
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