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mish

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Tonight my dog passed away. She was 12. I cant say her name because it hurts. It is already painful she passed away, but i always blame myself. I am so sleepy but its hard to sleep. We got back at around 3am. Its 5:30 currently and my brain is finding where i could have done something differently. It is hard to lose her, but i always blame myself in the end. I don't know why i feel this way.
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Memories_of_Marmalade

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Dear Mish,

I am very saddened to learn of your recent loss. Please know that you are not alone and that what you are feeling currently is what many of us are also going through.

I have learned a lot here from others. One crucial lesson is that it seems no matter what choice we make in the end, we will 2nd guess it, and experience not only guilt but severe regret and remorse. Whether we chose to try and extend our beloveds life or show them mercy by choosing to provide them a peaceful demise, we are going to punish ourselves. Almost as a form of penance.

I had to end my boys life, 5 months ago today. He was declining and becoming a shadow of himself. And he was also around 11 or 12 years old we think. I never really knew as he was a feral when I adopted him. He was the King of a colony of feral and stray cats living in New Mexico. I had to travel 850 miles for our paths to cross. His name was "Marmalade." A scrawny, deaf chronically ill, orange and white Tabby cat, who was feared and respected by the males in the colony and adored by the females and kittens as he was always gentle with them. He became my best friend, my brother and my son. He was my amigo and traveling companion. We were on the road homeless and living in motels for several months before returning to Los Angeles. Marmalade saved me from commiting suicide many times. Because he was always grateful no matter what we were going through.

Marmalade lived to become stronger, gained weight and was handsome and regal for his last remaining years. In the end he did not fully recover from a Tom-Cat fight bite he received while defending his girlfriend cat next door who is named "Star." That story is posted here on the forum.

I read that your pup passed away from natural causes. By doing so, she saved you from having to make the choice to put her to sleep, which is so, so painful to endure. Please just travel through time. Minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, night by night, week by week and yes, month by month. It will get easier, you'll see. 

A dog's average lifespan in the wild or on the street is only around 10 years. So you extended your pups lifespan by taking care of her. I am glad that for 12 years your Pup knew the great love, affection and no doubt comfort you provided her. All dogs should be so fortunate.

Kind regards,
James
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AP44

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Reply with quote  #3 
Hi Mish,

My sincere condolences. I can totally relate. Just lost my two kitties suddenly just days ago and I am thinking of a million things I could have or should have done. It’s a natural coping mechanism, but you are taking healthy steps to deal with it, like being on this forum. I stumbled across it by chance and I already feel better just talking and sharing experiences.

You can’t blame yourself, I am sure you did everything you possible could for your fur baby.

AP
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mish

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Reply with quote  #4 
Thank you for your words and for sharing eventhough it is so difficult. Her heart condition was just found out yesterday and everything happened so fast. She passed away at the 24 hour vet we brought her to after the vet she usually goes to closed at 10pm. She passed away after midnight from cardiac arrest. She would have been 13 on november 30. It hurts so much and i miss her so much. The pain from losing her hurts so much already but at the same time i keep on blaming myself.
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Becky1990

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Mish,
I am so sorry for your loss. My cat passed away 6 weeks yesterday and I remember I couldn't say his name at first either. And sometimes I still have troubles with it until I call my other cat his name. He was 19 years old so I would automatically say his name.
We all go through the guilt stage and that is because we love our fur babies so much and you being here proves that also. I wish I could take the pain away but its a process. Please keep writing your feelings here. That has helped me tremendously. We all are here for you. Let us know how you are doing. Hugs.
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mish

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Reply with quote  #6 
It is so hard living without her. This morning when i was preparing food for our other dogs and i wasn't preparing hers, it made me cry so much. Eventhough hers take longer to prepare because of the supplements she needs to take for her liver (she has a liver problem but from 2,400 it went down to 1,300 normal is upto 150), i loved it and to see the numbers go down really made me so happy. I wasn't expecting her heart would cause her passing. It hurts so much and i miss her and i miss doing things for her. I love her so much. It is so painful to be without her.
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Becky1990

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Mish,
You said the exact words that I have been feeling. "Missing the things you do for her." I so miss the routine every morning and every evening. Making his food, playing with his toys with him etc. Please try and not blame yourself. Not knowing she had a heart condition was not your fault. Animals hide their pain or illnesses so good. If only they could talk! Your baby wouldn't want you blaming yourself. They want us to be happy. You gave her a wonderful life, I'm sure of it. I know it is hard now, but try and think of the good memories. Some days that works for me and some days it doesn't. This painful process really sucks but it will get easier. Be good to yourself. She would want that. Hang in there.
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mish

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Reply with quote  #8 
It is so hard to live in a world without her in it. I miss her so much. I hate my brain for giving me ideas on how i could blame myself. I don't know why it is doing it. I love her with all of my heart and the love will never be in past tense.
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chilover

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Reply with quote  #9 
mish

Sending my condolences, I really feel your pain as others on here will too..

I echo everything that James said ..

I lost my beautiful sweet Chihuahua 'Daisy' in August & it hurts like nothing else..She was a beautiful rescue with spirit, with a bark 3 times the size of her size...

Take your time with your grief, feel it, acknowledge it and please remember that you gave your lovely. 12 yr old baby a wonderful life..You were a wonderful pet owner.

Please be patient and kind to yourself & remember that we will support you on here.

Hug

James

I loved your story!
What a charming character your boy 'Marmalade' was. The boy kitties & female kitties both loved him and he had a girlfriend named star..

I travelled up & down the country with my Daisy like you travelled with your Marmalade. Our pet's become us. We love them so deeply and we will cherish them forever..

Daisy's mummy
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Memories_of_Marmalade

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Thank you Angelina for your very kind words. They are very much appreciated. Truly.

Hugs,
James
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mish

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Reply with quote  #11 
I really appreciate every reply i get. I am just at a loss for words right now. It's as if you could feel the pain by reading each post. It hurts so much to loose them and it hurts to know they would not be physically here anymore. I just wish i would stop scrutinizing everything. I always blame myself. I dont know why my brain works this way. Hugs to everyone.
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chilover

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Reply with quote  #12 
mish

You hit the nail on the head re the pain!

Please remember that what you are feeling is normal - you are scrutinizing yourself because you feel guilty which is a very common part of grief..I think that because we loved them so deeply beyond words, & because they wete extremely precious to us we desperately cling on to the hope that we had done everything possible for them and we did! And possibly more!

Please be gentle with yourself, you were a wonderful pet owner.

I know the pain feels unbearable at times as everyone on here knows but take your time with it & do whatever you feel you have to in order to get through it, there are no rules, we are all different. We are all here for each other on here. Us pet lovers have our own club.

Sending hugs

Daisy's mummy
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mish

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Reply with quote  #13 
I miss her so much. I wish this was all just a bad dream. Nights are so hard.
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BorderCollieLover

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Reply with quote  #14 
mish:

  My heartfelt condolences on the loss of your dog. You are not alone. I miss my dog so much that it hurts. You didn't do anything wrong. Things just seem to spiral out of control with our pets as they age. I can tell your love was (and always will be) very strong for your special companion. Rest assured that you are fully supported on this Forum by some wonderful, pet-loving people. I hope that you will post here often.

Jim

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mish

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Reply with quote  #15 
I feel so helpless she is not here anymore. I miss her so much.
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