mrose62
I lost my dog, Hank, 2 days ago. I rescued him a little over 3 years ago. We were never sure of his age but he was always a fragile dog with debilitating arthritis. We knew that he wouldn't live the long full life he deserved but we were expecting more time. He woke me up early in the morning seizing. His seizure stopped and I was able to get him downstairs but then he started seizing again. It did not stop and the valium the er vet gave him didn't even control it. They thought that it was a brain tumor and he probably had already suffered brain damage. He just was to weak to recover from this and we made the gut-wrenching decision to end his suffering. 
I find myself in immense pain over the last couple of days. I know this is normal but I never knew what true grief was until now. I can't help but feel intense guilt over everything- should I have waited to see if the medicine helped, should I have recognized something was wrong sooner, guilt for me short with him or being annoyed with him when he was under-foot but even more is the guilt over the things that I would have done had I known our time was drawing nearer. I would have taken him for the walk I thought about the day before or given him the steak I meant to cook for the dogs on New Years. I would have held him closer and let him know how much he meant to me. He was with me when I meant my now husband. We spent so much quality time together before I adopted our other dog and then moved in with my now husband and his 3 dogs. He didn't get the one on one time he deserved these last few months and I feel so terribly about it. 
And now, more than anything I just miss his presence. We have 4 other dogs but he was MY dog. He loved me and was velcrod to my side. I miss him ambling around the bedroom at night and rubbing his face on my lap. I miss his smell and how even when he was so quiet, his presence filled a room. I miss him being part of my bedtime routine and him being the first thing I wake up to. I so so miss how everything was so normal and so good two days ago and I didn't appreciate that. I hurt knowing that his fur-sister is visibly grieving his loss too and that my husband is trying so hard to be strong for me. I'm struggling trying to find joy in the day and ever imagining feeling whole again. He was just such a beautiful soul that got the short-end of the stick in life. It's just not fair. He was not supposed to go like this. It was supposed to be calmer and more comforting. He was supposed to get the cheeseburger he's always been dreaming of. I know time will help but I just so wish I had had one more happy day with him. Thank you for listening. I just needed to put this out into the world. I hope there is a doggy heaven and Hank can know how much I love him and how much more I wish he could have had.
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nosunshine36
I’m so sorry for your loss of Hank.
Life gets so busy and that’s not your fault. It’s just how things are unfortunately. Animals are so perceptive though. I’m sure that Hank knew how very much you loved him.
It’s wonderful that you rescued Hank and gave him your love. Many rescue dogs have never known that so while you wanted to give him steak and more attention I’m sure he was perfectly happy just being in a real home and feeling your love even if you were busy. You also put his needs first at the end by letting him go when he would have suffered.
I would let his fur sister see you grieving too. If you allow yourself to just hold her and cry you will both feel closer and better for sharing this terrible loss.
I believe that our pets go to heaven and I’m certain that your Hank knows how very much you loved him!
Blessings,
Sharon
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mrose62
Thank you for your kind words, Sharon. They brought me some needed comfort this morning. 
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nosunshine36
mrose62,
I’m so happy that my words were able to bring some comfort.
I’m sorry I didn’t stop back sooner! Time goes by so quickly but hopefully you’ll see this message at some point and know that I’m thinking of you and your beloved Hank.
I hope you are okay and also hoping you post an update.
Blessings,
Sharon
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