mandacharm
I still haven’t been able to go home since losing my baby Lucy Monday. I’m so lucky that my mom’s been so incredibly supportive and has let me stay with her. But I just keep thinking I need to go home at some point and when I do I’ll be all alone. We went over and rearranged my furniture and cleaned up a bit but it still felt so empty while we were there. I kept waiting for her to pop her head out or to stick her head into my moms purse looking for a treat. I also go back to work tomorrow and even though I know it’ll be good for me to get out of the house and get back to some sort of a routine all I want to do is hide away from the world. I have struggled with depression for years and Lucy was so much more then just a dog she was my best friend. She has seen me through 12 years of ups and downs always a constant source of support by my side. I can’t imagine a world without her and what my life is now going to be. Everyone keeps telling me it takes time and that it hasn’t even been a week yet but I just want it to stop hurting already.
Amanda 
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Memories_of_Marmalade


Dear Amanda,

I am so sorry for what you are feeling, going through and coping with in regard to losing your beloved Lucy. This is such a very, very difficult part of the grieving process. It's just completely overwhelming.

Each night I walk home from my office, located about a block away, back to the warehouse where my cat Marmalade and I lived together. He used to wait for me at the back gate entrance. He was so smart and cooperative, that he would step around and to the side away from the gate, to let me know that he was not planning on running out the gate and I could go ahead and safely open it. And then I would enter the warehouse door and he would escort me deep inside to our living area. He would walk right in front of me 60 feet in. And if I fell behind, he would stop and turn to make sure I caught up. And if I didn't, he would sit down and wait for me to take a few steps forward. He did this hundreds of times. I miss seeing his long tiger tail standing straight up in the air a few feet and him walking in front of me as if I were somehow important. Lol. 

Now I come back to the warehouse and the lights are mostly all out and it is dark and cold and lonely. And no Marmalade to greet me or escort me in. Before he departed, EACH time I used to arrive home, he would shower me in a dignified and noble manner with love, affection, adoration and acceptance. He would cheer me up the second I saw him. My eyes would light up and I would smile. And even though he was near completely deaf, I would call out to him a greeting and then still speak with him as if he could hear me when he walked up on my lap. We were two of a kind. He was my spirit animal for the 4 1/2 years that I was graced enough to know him.

So I (like so many others here) can totally relate to your being pensive about returning home. What I did find is moving things around (as you did), covering furniture and items with fabric etc. helps. But there are areas that I also left untouched as they remind me of him in a nice way. I miss him so. I speak to Marmalade's ashes, which I keep on a night stand next to where I sleep each morning, I speak to him when I return home and I say goodnight to him before I go to sleep. And then I say a prayer for him and to him. Which always makes me smile the second I say his name. I hope he knows how much I loved, adored, cherished and miss him and how sorry I am about not being able to save him. He was my good boy. I loved him so.

Like your Lucy helped you through depression, Marmalade did for me too. He literally saved my life countless times from suicide just by being present. Just by cheering me up. He always reminded me to be grateful, content, and feel blessed, no matter what we were facing together. He was my love and my light.

I hope you continue to travel through time and continue to heal and that someday soon, only your fondest memories come to mind when you think of your Lucy.

All best and hugs,
James
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redgirlraven
I am so sorry.  I wish you peace.  Try ask sleep and then yes, I think go to work. For me, in the early days I found distraction and sleeping to be what kept me alive.  Its too much too soon.
AR
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mandacharm
James I’m so sorry for you loss it sounds like you loved Marmalade very very much & I’m sure he knew how much you cared. It’s amazing how much these little guys come to mean to us & how hard it is when they’re gone. Without my little girl my home no longer feels like a home but I’m extremely fortunate that I have options & can move in with my dad well I figure things out. What I find the most helpful is reminding myself how fortunate I am & hearing all the stories on this forum. Knowing I’m not alone helps so very much so thank you for responding to my post with your heartfelt response. It brought tears to my eyes & I want you to know that your words really touched me.
Amanda 
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CK1991
I’m so sorry for your loss Amanda. I hope you decide to share more about your sweet Lucy Monday. She sounds like a special little one for sure! 12 years is a lot time so of course you miss her like crazy! This site is a great one for support or just being able to pour out your feelings and sadness. Hugs to you!

James and redgirlhaven, My condolences for you losses as well!

Kindly, CK
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