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Hulasmommy

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Reply with quote  #1 
My sweet lil Hula came home to her mommy today.... She will always be with me in my heart and now next to my bed. They also gave us a paw print and a lock of her hair. The lock of hair is a lil wet from mommy crying on it. Forgive me Hula, mommy just loves and misses you so much!!!!

I have to admit that I had mixed feelings, part of me is glad to have her home, but there is a part of me, that is now forced to accept that her sweet lil face is really gone and I will never kiss or nuzzle that face again on this earth. Someday though, I will hold her and never let her go again.

I wanted to thank this group for helping me this far..... Tuesday I will be attending my first grief support meeting. I'm hoping with their help as well I'll be able to cope and move on and leave this anger behind. I have much work to do and Hula deserves better than a cracked up mommy.

I wish you all love and peace in your heart!!! 
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Jparish

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Reply with quote  #2 
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Someday though, I will hold her and never let her go again.


It is very hard to accept that she won't be there to greet you when you come home, but she is waiting for you and she will be there to greet you again. I hope the meetings help you get through your grief. Unlike the timeless eternity of Heaven, sorrow does not last forever.
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Hulasmommy

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Jparish, thank you. Right now I seem to be stumbling through the day. I know they say that each person grieves in their own way and the time frame of getting over or accepting the loss is different as well. I believe along with a broken heart, that I have a broken spirit and am so numb that I just can't and most part don't want to feel anything but pain..... My whole being cries out that I want her back so badly and I'm sorry, sorry that I failed her, when she needed me the most, sorry that her lil ife was cut short and mine continues to go on. Sorry that she is alone and my arms are so empty.Sorry that nothing I can say or do will bring her back, sorry, sorry, sorry... afterall it is just a word and she can not hear it, or see the tears I cry when I say it over and over. I'm sorry does not change the fact that my sweet lil Hula is gone and I'm left here alone.

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Ponchosmommie

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Hulasmom, I feel the very same way! EXACTLY!  It will be 2 weeks this Friday....
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Hulasmommy

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Reply with quote  #5 
Two weeks for me this Thursday.. still so new I can hardly breathe... I'm so lost!!!  Why do we live so long and their lives are so short? WHY? WHY?WHY?
I hope you are having a better day than I am...sincerely!!!
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Ponchosmommie

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No, I'm just like you...I've been crying all day.  Don't want to do anything and see my little boy everywhere!  It hurts so bad!!  I look at his urn and can't believe he's in there....it's like living a nightmare! If you find anything that helps you, please let me know.  The only thing good here is the sun finally just came out...I'm so sick of snow! I'll be glad when it's all gone.  There's a bad side to that too...Poncho was here for all the snow and he won't be here for spring and summer. I'm in Virginia..where r u?
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Hulasmommy

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I'm in ohio.. and we have snow and have since 1st of feb. and more coming tonight. Man I hate the snow ..is so depressing!!! My lil Hula did not like the snow even though she was hot natured. We  had tons of snow when  we took her to the hospital and still snowing when we picked her up at the furneral home.......I think I will always hate this white stuff!!!!

Hula loved the holidays because of the tree and toys and treats under it, she always guarded it and took her meals by it. When we tried to put it up this year, she would walk over and slap us and put her paw on her tree. Needless to say she got her way and we left it up, that tree will probably never see the basement again. She was very vocal and always added a slap to get what she wanted. Mommy and Daddy rarely ever said no. We were so very careful.....

I'm 59 and have lived a good life but have never hurt this bad in my life that I can remember, and I think I'd remember this kind of pain. Hula was 10 years 2 months young..... She is my heart and soul and my life seems painful and lost without her.

If you can, please share a lil about you and your precious angel Poncho. 
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Ponchosmommie

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I am 59 also.  Poncho would have been 10 this December 19.  About 3 years ago, we were told Poncho had a heart murmur, so yearly we went to a cardiologist. It never required medication or treatment...just yearly ultasounds.  Last February, during routine lab work, it was discovered that his liver counts were way too high.  I took him to a specialist for that, and they thought he had the beginnings of Cushing's disease...which he had no symptoms of! But, he did have liver disease, and nothing could help him. This was after 4000.00 worth of tests. It was just closely watched with ultasounds after that.

Poncho was never sick a day in his life...even with these findings...he was always normal! On Christmas morning, at 12:30 am, I was holding him....he had a look on his face I had never seen before. I put him down and he wobbled. My daughter and grandson and I flew out of here immediately and headed to VRCC in Richmond..50 miles away. I truly thought he would not make it.  I told them to do EVERYTHING they could to help him as long as there was no pain. He was never in any pain they say. Anyway, he stayed in the hospital there for 71/2 days...we brought him home New Years Day. He had a blood transfusion that perked him right up. A blood transfusion only lasts 30-50 days. Anyway, we drove the 100 mile round trip EVERY day...even if only to hold him for 40 minutes!

When he came home, he was so normal once again! I took him back to Richmond a week later to have him checked, then 2 weeks. On February 12, almost 2 weeks ago, I took him to our vet to have his nails clipped. He was fine!!!! I got in the car with him and before I could close the door, I saw that look on his little face again and he slumped on my chest.  I ran back it, but he died!!!  I was and still am in shock! But, you see...that was day 43 since the blood transfusion...his liver just gave out. They told me they thought he had a tumor in his liver that just suddenly bled out.  I paid 6500.00 for his stay in the hospital, and had him for only 43 days...but I would do it all again to have another day with him!  He was my baby...always in my lap or by my side.

All I can do is cry!  My husband just asked me about getting another one. My heart says yes my head says no.  He was the best, and there will never be another him. I have to tell you something about me....when Poncho was alive, I would NEVER leave him.  If he couldn't go, I stayed home. If I had a Drs appt or something where I had no choice, I worried about him all the time! I worried because he made it obvious that he didn't want me to leave him!  This is the first time in 20 years, (I was this way with my dog before him) I can go somewhere and not worry.  For this reason, my sister told me not to get another. We still have a black lab...she's my grandsons's but I take care of her. She doesn't mind being home alone or at least without me. I may leave the house now and don't worry, but I cry! I miss him so much!  I always said it was a good thing I was healthy because it they had told me I needed to go to the hospital, I would NOT have gone...I would not have left Poncho! I guess I just get too attached.....

I'm not making any plans to get another one, but I don't know what the future holds. I love dogs so much.  I fell like if I'm meant to have another, Poncho will send me one.

So, this is our story.  Just know that I'm going through exactly what you are. I pray that the horrible pain will lessen soon, but I don't know. I've had dogs all my life, but none like him. It does help a bit though to know we are not alone, even though we feel like we are.  I know all dogs go to heaven because dog spelled backwards is GOD!  Take care of yourself, and I'm going to try....if I can ever stop crying long enough. 

One last thing...since all this started Christmas morning, Christmas will NEVER be the same again...I dread it ever coming!  I used to love snow...we have had snow since early December...twice we got 30 inches at once!  I will forever hate snow!!

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Hulasmommy

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Reply with quote  #9 

ponchomommie, oh sweetie, not only do we share our grief but a similar story. Hula spent 7 days at medvet a couple years ago and the cost was 15,000.00.  She had pancreatitus and after that we found that her liver enzymes stayed high, we had her on milk thistle, forti flora and special low fat food, but still they were high.  Then lst November, she started having trouble seeing and we carried her to our vet and he said she needed to a eye specialist, so we took her to med vet. The eye specailist said she was blind in one eye and could not find a reason why, said we needed to see a neurologist and we saw one that very same day. he said he tought she had had a stroke or tumor and needed a mri, but they nor ohio state dide not have the machine and they would have to keep her and take her to a people hospital after hours. I like you did not want to leave her, so I called around and found that Auburn university in alabama had a mri machine in house and could do it while we waited, so off we went to alabama with her. mri came back negative, so they suggest spinal tap, that too came back negative, so they suggested a ERG for the eyes. That showed SARDS, sudden aquired retina degeneration syndrome.  That suggested we have her checked for cushings , alot of sards dogs have that as well. so off to ohio state we went to have that test done, but it came back normal as well. We had he checked for estrogen levels because I read that could be a problem ,but dr said they were fine., but he was concerned about cushings and wanted to redo the test, so we agreed. That was thursday and she threw up saturday morning and we rushed her to OSU hospital. She developedfluid on her lungs and they called in a cardiologist and he and internal med ran two separate ultrsounds. Heart was fine, they thought she had thrown a blood clot and her blood showed all of a sudden it was clotting, they put her on oxygen, and sedated her so she would not move around. Then her blood stopped oxgenating and they told us there was nothing they could do, the blood thinners were not helping and she was suffocating. So we had no choice but to have her put to sleep. We held her in our arms and told her over and over how much we loved her and what a good girl she was... she went to sleep forever in our arms. we have been told by two vets now that it sounds like a immune disorder. After she past, I held her a rubbed her belly for the last time and ruffled her thick beautiful coat, and nuzzled her face.  Get this two days after she past our vet called with the results of second cushings test... negative. So little is known about immune disorders.... So just like your Poncho, it was sudden and unexpected. thousands spent and still could not save my baby....

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Hulasmommy

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Reply with quote  #10 

ponchomommie, oh sweetie, not only do we share our grief but a similar story. Hula spent 7 days at medvet a couple years ago and the cost was 15,000.00.  She had pancreatitus and after that we found that her liver enzymes stayed high, we had her on milk thistle, forti flora and special low fat food, but still they were high.  Then lst November, she started having trouble seeing and we carried her to our vet and he said she needed to a eye specialist, so we took her to med vet. The eye specailist said she was blind in one eye and could not find a reason why, said we needed to see a neurologist and we saw one that very same day. he said he tought she had had a stroke or tumor and needed a mri, but they nor ohio state dide not have the machine and they would have to keep her and take her to a people hospital after hours. I like you did not want to leave her, so I called around and found that Auburn university in alabama had a mri machine in house and could do it while we waited, so off we went to alabama with her. mri came back negative, so they suggest spinal tap, that too came back negative, so they suggested a ERG for the eyes. That showed SARDS, sudden aquired retina degeneration syndrome.  That suggested we have her checked for cushings , alot of sards dogs have that as well. so off to ohio state we went to have that test done, but it came back normal as well. We had he checked for estrogen levels because I read that could be a problem ,but dr said they were fine., but he was concerned about cushings and wanted to redo the test, so we agreed. That was thursday and she threw up saturday morning and we rushed her to OSU hospital. She developedfluid on her lungs and they called in a cardiologist and he and internal med ran two separate ultrsounds. Heart was fine, they thought she had thrown a blood clot and her blood showed all of a sudden it was clotting, they put her on oxygen, and sedated her so she would not move around. Then her blood stopped oxgenating and they told us there was nothing they could do, the blood thinners were not helping and she was suffocating. So we had no choice but to have her put to sleep. We held her in our arms and told her over and over how much we loved her and what a good girl she was... she went to sleep forever in our arms. we have been told by two vets now that it sounds like a immune disorder. After she past, I held her a rubbed her belly for the last time and ruffled her thick beautiful coat, and nuzzled her face.  Get this two days after she past our vet called with the results of second cushings test... negative. So little is known about immune disorders.... So just like your Poncho, it was sudden and unexpected. thousands spent and still could not save my baby....

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Ponchosmommie

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Reply with quote  #11 
Oh Hulasmommy!! Our stories are so much alike!!!  Poncho was thought to have thrown a blood clot too!!  The Dr put him on plavix...I looked it up and didn't want to give it to him, but she said if we didn't, it may happen again. I did as she said and everytime I had to give it to him, it was like a kick in my stomach! When he died, Dr Dunn, one of our vets, said he had a tumor in his liver which bled out!! My first thought was NO!! He should have never been put on plavix! 

Well, one thing we know...Hula and Poncho are together waiting for us at the bridge, and we are left here devastated!  Strange thing is, when I was growing up, we had many dogs and they didn't go to the vets regularly nor take heartworm meds. They lived to die from old age!! I had never even heard of heartworm back then! Today, we do all this for them, and they die to early.

Starting when Poncho was about a year old, he had to have patella luxation surgery on his left hind leg. I had him neutered when he was 6 months old, can't leave that out. Then, all in the last 2 years, he had 2 tiny hemangiomas removed...thank God not cancerous, he had a mast cell type 2 removed, which I was told is similar to a basal cell cancer, they got it all, but had to keep check on him to make sure no more appeared, then he had a small knot removed from the front of his front left leg..not cancerous..all this with the heart murmur and liver disease! I had nicknamed him "NB" at the time....National Bank!  I would have done ANYTHING for him!!! 

All of this scares me about getting another one. One of the doctors in Richmond told me it's like having a baby...they may be fine in the beginning, but you never know what lies ahead.  My little dog before Poncho, his name was Banjo, died in a very similar way too. They were also the same age when they died.  It just tears me up and breaks my heart. I can't stand to see ANY animal hurt or suffering. Every story I have read on this forum breaks my heart. 

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Ponchosmommie

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Reply with quote  #12 
One thing I forgot to tell you...he was first tested for Cushing's and it was negative.  A year later, they "thought" it may be Cushing's....if he had lived for his next appointment on March 1, they were going to do the test again!  Like I said, he showed NO symptoms of it! My poor baby!
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Hulasmommy

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Reply with quote  #13 
Ponchosmommie, we have more in common still, look at our usernames.
When hulas blood started clotting, they put her on heprin and aspirin, when that did not work they added plavic. Nothing would stop the clotting.

We took every care with Hula, shots every year, teeth cleaning and six month check ups. I've since begin reading about immune disorders and they tell you not to give all the shots, puppy shots, then maybe all every four years. That it is bad for dogs to get them all every year, destroys their immune systems. Can you believe that.

And that cushing test..good grief, did you know it is done with steriods and steriods elevate liver enzymes. Dang you try to do what you think is best for them and end up hurting them!!!!!!!!!! My lil girl Geisha will only get the required rabies this year and watch out for those because, because some  rabies shots are good for 3 years.

I wish you peace and happier days ahead my friend.
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Ponchosmommie

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Reply with quote  #14 
Hulasmommy, what you read fits in with why our dogs we had growing up lived to be very old!!  We only got rabies shots, and I think once, distemper.  All I know is they didn't go to the vets like our dogs today!  Another thing, look at what they're saying about all the babies' shots...something about some causing autism?! You just never know anymore....even for ourselves. My mother and I were talking this morning about all of the babies and very young children dying from cancer today...when we were growing up you didn't hear all of that....makes one wonder, huh?  Peace and happier days to you also...keep in touch please!
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