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I like what you have written about none of us being perfect pet owners.  We all loved and cared deeply about our  babies or we would not be here.  But I suspect everyone had some moments when they didn't give their baby the attention he wanted, or they didn't provide all the care he needed at that moment, etc.  No matter how devoted we are to our beloved pets, life gets in the way sometimes.  There are other demands; we get distracted; we are sick or sleepy and all the other things that happen as a part of every day life.  And when the end of life comes for our precious baby, we may question if we did enough or gave up on treatment at the right time or should have gone to the emergency vet sooner, etc.   Even when there isn't a tragic outcome, as there is for some people here, we have all of these thoughts because we cared and loved our babies so much.  My daughter who just lost one of her cats is going through this process now and I did some of it several months ago.   

It is when we get totally stuck and can't move at all, can't recover, seem to be going further and further in the wrong direction that it becomes more than normal grieving.  Over time we need to be able to focus on the total time we had with our fur babies and not just the final moments.  And if there has been a tragedy involved, we need to stop over blaming ourselves and let go of the guilt.  As  you have described, that may take a very long time.  But the reality is that the past IS gone and we can't change that.  All we can do is focus on the present and try to do better.  There simply is no other answer as you have described so well in explaining your grief journey.
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A Tribute to My Dear Little Peanut Parker,

I remember the first time I met you. I was fostering for the dog rescue. I had just adopted your Beagle brother, Leroy from them a few weeks earlier. They told me there would be 2 little boy puppies who had just been neutered. That was you and your brother Porter.  Wow, you were both so small. You were in a crate and needing to be watched as you awoke from the sedation and to be taken care of until you were adopted.

You and Porter were brought in the house and it was quiet when you both arrived. We wanted your stay to be very comfortable. I checked on you both periodically to make sure you were okay.  We were upstairs and we heard screaming and crying. It was very loud. We couldn’t believe it could be one of you, or both. Such little dogs and such a loud cry.  I went downstairs and you were still groggy. It was your brother, Porter who was crying. He must have been so scared, just waking in a strange place. I thought we should bring you upstairs so you could rest a little more. Porter can have a loud and screechy cry. After all, you were both Chihuahua-Beagles.

It suddenly got very quiet downstairs. From screaming and howling to silence.

I went downstairs to check. It was quiet. Porter was not in the crate. It was locked. I couldn’t figure out where he went.  I looked under the blankets, he was not there. Then I thought, was he in that crate when I went back upstairs?  Yes, he was in the crate, so where was he?

Now it became a mystery.  I couldn’t figure out how a dog could get out of a locked crate.  I looked around and didn’t see him.  Then I walked a little farther. I almost passed him by.  Where was Porter?  He was rolled up in a ball in my laundry basket, cuddled under the clothes.  It was so cute!  He was so small, maybe 9 or 10 lbs the most.  Here he was cuddled in the laundry basket. But wait!  How did he get in there with the crate shut closed?  Your Dad said he didn’t put him there. It was a mystery for almost a day. We took him upstairs with you, Parker, who had woken up and you both cuddled together and went to sleep. Leroy was close by. Leroy had new friends! New brothers!  Well, not officially, but at least temporarily. 

The next day we looked at the crate and to our surprise, there was one small metal bar on the side that was missing. It didn’t seem like Porter could get through that small spot.  There were no other bars missing. How do you like that?  Porter was so small, like a Houdini, he squeezed through that small opening on the crate.

When we were upstairs with the two of you after you recovered, you were the 2 cutest dogs I’ve ever had.  So close with each other and almost pocket size at that time.  We kept taking care of you. You both became friends with Leroy. He was lonely before you were here.  Parker, you and your brother played and played, you wrestled with each other and it was all in fun and love. Then Parker you soon became close with Leroy. Oh, how you 2 would play together. Leroy is a sweetheart. He was so much bigger than you, but he never let his strength take over, he never wanted to hurt you. He let you win many times.

A month went by and the rescue asked me what I was doing with the 2 of you. They had people asking about you. I asked your Dad. He wasn’t ready for 3 dogs. He thought having company for Leroy was a good idea, but 3 was over his limit.  I was concerned if I gave up both of you or one of you, that you may wind up in a bad house where people could misunderstand you, have less patience, and may abuse you. I could not let that happen. I had to keep both of you. I knew I could make this the best home for you and the 3 of you would never be lonely.

I explained to Dad that I didn’t want to split you up. You brothers were very close. You were so young and you were both all you knew.  I convinced him that 2 of you was like 1 of Leroy, so It was like having 2 dogs.  I said how much I loved you both and how hysterically funny Porter was going in and out of the laundry basket ever since the first night. I couldn’t let either of you go. I loved you both. He finally said it was okay and you both could stay!  I was so elated.

My family. Big brother Leroy and his 2 little brothers, Parker and Porter. What a team you made. So much fun for all of you together.  It was the start of a beautiful brotherhood and family for us.  Adopting you Parker, and your brothers Porter and Leroy was the happiest time of my life. You all made me very happy.

I remember your brother Porter, aka Little Houdini, frequently making the laundry basket a cuddling place.  I remember when you and Leroy hit it off and how you both played as if you knew each other since birth. What a perfect friendship!

As the years went by, we faced some hardships. Your brother Porter at 10 lbs, was savagely attacked on our property by a 110 lb dog who jumped the decking from the neighbor’s house across the street. That morning Dad was walking Porter on our property when this happened. This dog came out of nowhere. Your Dad swiftly picked up Porter in his arms, but that dog wanted Porter. He grabbed Dad’s arm and Porter with his mouth and would not let go.  I could hear Dad yelling. I came running out and he handed me bloody Porter with 3 large holes on his side and holes on the top of him. He was in shock.  

We rushed your brother to our favorite vet, your “pediatric” vet who neutered you. It was his day off, but he happened to be in the office. What a stroke of luck. I don’t know where else we could have gone. He cancelled his outside plans to save Porter’s life, putting tubes in the 3 big holes where he could fit 2 of his fingers in each.  For the next month we had to flush him with medicine.  I didn’t know if we were going to lose him.  Parker, you were so gentle with your brother. You groomed him and kissed him and cuddled with him to make him feel loved and not alone. You were such a loving, beautiful dog who showed so much care when it was needed.  It was your love Parker, that helped your brother Porter heal.

A year or so later, Leroy got sick with gastroenteritis. We thought we might lose him. While he was being treated, Parker, you did nothing less than make him feel good and happy. You knew he was not well and stayed by his side. You groomed him and made him feel so loved.  You cuddled next to him so he would know you cared. Leroy didn’t need his medicine anymore.  It was your love Parker, that made Leroy well again.

Over the years I watched you and you brothers grow a little more and become much closer. For a while you and your brother Porter, would wrestle and play. I had so many videos of you 2 and it was so cute. So lovable. Never any intent by either of you to hurt the other. Always a kiss from you afterward.  You and Leroy became great friends. I remember the times you sat on the floor next to the sofa while Leroy looked down and you would jump up, with your little head and bite his ears. Teasing him and getting him to howl. This would go for at least an hour. Then you would jump up on and off the sofa as if you were doing tricks on a skateboard. Leroy would try to catch you and you would quickly jump off, but then back on again, a tug on his ear and his leg, and you were back on the floor. Leroy could have kicked your butt if he wanted. He didn’t. He loved your playfulness. It was your sign of love to him. So many times over the years I watched you 2 play like that. When it was time for dinner, you’d grab his ear and/or leg and the craziness began. Then Porter would come behind Leroy to join in the fun and jump on him.  Poor Leroy, he would get teased from both of you, but he loved it. Sometimes I would take my time to feed you guys, just to enjoy watching this craziness.  It was all for love.  Everything you did was for love. This playfulness between the 3 of you never ended. You were like puppies who never grew up.  It wasn’t that long ago when you were all playing like this. You played like this up until the day we lost you.

There were times you and Leroy chased each other around the house and in the basement. You had the advantage of being small, you could slip under the table, under the gym equipment, able to hide from Leroy. After the play was over, there you were again, kissing Leroy, showing your affection as you did every single day of your short life.

Then there were the times you and Leroy fought over a squeaky toy. Leroy, the squeaky hog would always win. I told him many times to let you keep it. He had so many of his own, but he enjoyed the challenge taking it from you. All the times we were all resting in the living room. Your brothers lying down. Mom and Dad watching TV. There you were, with your endless energy, wanting to play. Kicking out your little back feet, jumping forward with your front feet, trying to get someone to play. You wanted to play all the time. You were a very happy dog. Never tired. Always upbeat. Up for anything.

I remember years back when you weighed a little less and you were very spry, you would jump from the floor onto the stove and counter top. One time we found you in the sink!  You, a small little dog with amazing energy to jump that high.  How many times did we find you on the table, the tall pub style table?  How about the time we came home and the 3 of you ran from the kitchen?  We knew something was up.  I put a box of cereal on the counter. I think this is the first time you jumped up there. The giveaway was the inner plastic bag on the floor.  Not one morsel in it or on the floor.  You must have been the one who jumped up, knocked it down, and the 3 of you had a feast.  That was the only explanation.

How about when we were out one day, and we let you guys run loose around the house?  You jumped on my nightstand and then on top of my dresser.  Your nails scratched the tops.  It seemed important then. Now I cherish those scratches. I’m glad I couldn’t get them out. They will stay with me forever as long as I have this bedroom set.  My little boy, I remember you every time I see them. A reminder of my super dog.  We didn’t want you to hurt yourself by jumping so high or maybe burn yourself if you landed on the stove again, so we put up locking gates.

What a wonderful brother you were. Always there, always caring for them.  Always loving them and giving them comfort.  I don’t remember you ever getting sick except the time you got an IM vaccine and you were in pain. You were always a healthy dog.  You were unselfish.  You gave yourself to your brothers when they needed someone. You proved to be a terrific friend, brother, and son to us. Your affection and love for us, your Mom and Dad, was just as strong as it was for your brothers. You sincerely loved all of us. You REALLY loved all of us.  I knew then and I still know now, what a wonderful giving brother and son you were. That’s why I took so many pictures of you when you were kissing us all. 

Parker, you never asked for much. You loved finding a small crumb on the floor, it was a highlight of your day. It didn’t take much to make you happy. I’d see you peeking around the wall while I cooked, not only to watch me, but to see if you could catch a tiny crumb or morsel.

Oh, Parker, how smart and sharp you were. On the way back from walking you in the yard, you would tug me and pull me toward the driveway pavement.  I didn’t think of that, but you did. The grass would be wet from rain or with snow and ice, and you walked me to the dry area.  So smart of you. I didn’t even think of that.

I have always thought of you like this. I always knew what a special dog you were. I wanted to spend more time with you, until you were old and gray.  I wanted to be there with you if the day would come when you would need love and comfort from your brothers.  When they could give it back to you.

One day, we were walking all 3 of you and a huge Rottweiler, at least 110 lbs. charged at all of us. We were scrambling to get the 3 of you away and make sure the dog would not hurt any of you or chase us. Porter and Leroy were barking. There were only 2 of us trying to keep the 3 of you calm to get away.  You got loose from your harness. I panicked, thinking you may get hit by a car. What did you do?  You barked and barked as loud as your tiny 13 lb. body could and then you chased away that Rottweiler!  You chased it till it ran with its tail between its legs.  My little hero.  You were our hero that day. Something I never saw you do and something I will never forget.

It was just last summer when the 3 of you somehow got out of the house. One of us left the door ajar. You, only you, stayed on the property. My honest little Parker. You came up to your Dad to let him know you were out and I know you were giving him the message that your brothers were not around.  I believe you were trying to talk to us.  Because of your warning, we were able to find your 2 brothers down by the corner and get them safely home.  If it wasn’t for you, I don’t know if either of your brothers could have gotten hit by a car. You came to us right away. Another time you were our hero. I am going to miss those times. 

Every day is empty in this house without you. The pack leader, affectionate and loving brother, the fun-loving, happy little boy. My sweet little peanut.

My angel.  You were taken way too soon.  On Christmas Eve, one of the worst days to lose you.  Holidays will never be the same.  Every day I feel I miss you more and more. I can’t explain my little baby, why this happened. I don’t know myself. I do know it should have never happened. Every day is a struggle without you.  Now I am facing the hardest time of my life.  

Parker, how will we manage without your love?  Your love that healed, that soothed, and made us whole again. Your tender love that filled our entire home.  Parker, we need you here now for Porter.  He needs your love. We need you to watch over your brother Porter who is being treated for pancreatitis.  He needs your love and kisses. You always made it right.

Please always remember that I love you and never meant for you to be harmed. I did everything possible to protect you since you were a pup.

I miss you so much.  I can’t change what happened. Oh, how I want to, but I can’t. It is very unfair. Your life was taken from you.  You were not sick. You were very healthy and very young, only 6 years old.  So unfair. 

I want to see you again at the Rainbow Bridge, if there is one. I hope there is.  I am counting on it.  I want to be reunited with you again, My Little Baby, My Peanut Parker.



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No one can know with absolute certainty that Parker and our other fur babies are at the Rainbow Bridge.  But my experience with my Dad, which I have written about before, convinces me that there is a Rainbow Bridge.  When my Dad died in his final hours he was talking about various relatives who had passed on before him.  But then suddenly when he died his last word was "Moxie".  Moxie was our childhood dog who no one had talked about in years.  We were all surprised to hear him suddenly mention Moxie.  But I think Moxie was waiting for him and when my Dad saw him he called out his name as he was dying because he saw that Moxie was there.  I can't think of any other reason that Moxie would be on his mind when we never discussed Moxie at all in the weeks before he died.

Although I think you can look forward to seeing Parker again, right now you need to be here to take care of your other dogs.  They would not want to be abandoned by you.  I hope the knowledge that you will SOMEDAY see Parker again is enough to keep you going now.  Parker would not want you to leave prematurely.  Moxie waited for many years for a family member to join him.  Parker will wait too for as long as necessary.  Meanwhile, he isn't suffering and is able to romp and play with other dogs and enjoy life at the  Rainbow Bridge.

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Very difficult few days for me.  Real bad. The pain and sadness is unbearable.  Tears won't stop. I'm hurting.   I'm alone this week.  Doesn't make it easy.  My 2 little guys are what keep me going. 
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Dear Parker,

The last couple of days have been a challenge for me.  I was crying a lot because I miss you and still find this all so unbelievable.

I was thinking that maybe we took you for granted.  You were always healthy so we didn't look closer at you and take you more serious.  Did we overlook that you were fearful and that we should have taken you more seriously?  Did we allow you to be alone without us although we knew you didn't like to be handled by strangers?  I didn't give it thought then that it might be a serious issue.  After what happened, now I believe we took you for granted.  We didn't take this seriously. Just because you were always healthy, didn't mean you didn't have other things going on, like being so scared without us.

I feel so awful now. Many times we were there with you and it was only a few minutes when you were away from us. This time we left you behind. I can't imagine what you were feeling. If you felt abandoned. You didn't see us for a while and we left you with strangers. Could that have scared you so much it affected your health?  Could you have been so stressed that it wasn't fair to leave you there?  That vet knew you were timid.  He should have called me. He should have told me you, a little dog like you were, needed to come home. It's not fair to let you go through that. I wish I could go back and take you back home.  I think that's what happened to you.  I think your fright caused something to go wrong with your heart or something else and it was fatal.  I wish I could take it all back. I wish I kept you home.  Why is it our dogs can't talk?  You would have warned me. You would have asked me if you could stay home. I would have kept you home. Anything for my little baby.

Mom is having a hard time. I miss you. I want to see you sunbathing on the deck and peeking your little face in the storm door window. I miss your little howling bark after your brother Porter constantly barks. You would throw out a little bark here and there. You weren't much of a barking dog. You wanted to bark a little and get back to us and cuddle with your brother Leroy. He misses you. I can see it in his eyes.  He waits for you to greet him. He doesn't know where you are.  He's confused. You grew up together from the very beginning. I feel bad for both of you. It's a loss that should have never happened.

I want you back, Parker.  I want you here with me. Mom is not strong. She has to be for your brothers. I need to watch over them, take care of them and make sure they are well.

I wish I could see you again. I wish this never happened. I wish you, my baby, could be here with us.

I miss you.
I love you forever and ever,

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I am not staying strong.  It's really bad.  I'm on another grief site and someone who read my story, wrote:  "I'm also afraid of anesthesia. The vet talked with me at length about it, what he uses, how he proceeds, and allayed my fears, still I wouldn't trust just anyone with him."   

This person is concerned about dental cleaning and at least it was explained to her in detail.  The evil vet we went to NEVER discussed it, never talked about it and after this nightmare, never had anything to say to me.  I don't know where to turn. I am heartbroken beyond belief.  

Trying to forgive myself.  I let him go there and should have kept him home.  I'm trying to forgive my husband. This was his idea.  I hope I'm not beyond repair.

Something happened the other day. My other 2 dogs (Porter and Leroy) have never been the affectionate type. Parker was the loving one, full of kisses, all the time.  All you had to do was get close enough and then came the kisses.

The other night I was tucking in his brothers and telling them how sorry I was. I always kissed my dogs goodnight.  In the past, Porter would be cranky, wanting to just go to sleep and not be bothered. I've noticed he hasn't been cranky at night for a long time.  Something that night was different.  Both he and Leroy gave me kisses, very unusual.  They're not like that.  I thought maybe it was Parker coming through them.  A sign or something.  I never had to ask Parker for a kiss, he would shower us all with kisses.  I hope it was him showing me something. I need a sign he forgives me and that he's here with me. I'm waiting for him to show up in a dream. I will continue to be alert for signs.  Does anyone think something like that is possible? 
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Dear My Little Boy, Parker,

It's hard for me to accept you are not here. I miss you jumping up near the bed in the morning. You were always the first one up. Your unbelievable energy rubbed off on us. You kept our spirits alive, full of life, and filled us with love.

I'm still having a hard time accepting you are gone. It never seems real because you gave this home its shining light. Without you there's more darkness. 

Your brothers know something's different. They don't fully understand, but then neither do I.  I will never understand why you were taken when you weren't even sick. 

I gave up the garden this year so I could use my new camera and take portraits of my little boys, my 3 best friends. I wanted to get beautiful pics of all of you together and put them under acrylic for a lasting memory of the 3 of you. That won't happen now. My dream has been shattered. I haven't used my camera since you've been gone. I don't feel as excited about it now. How can I with you gone?

Oh, how I wish there was some way to change all of this. I guess there are no miracles. If there were, your life would have been spared. 

I don't know what's going to happen in the future. Someday your brothers will also be gone, that's when I hope my time will be up, so I can be with the 3 of you again. There will be no more reason for me to be here. I know my purpose was to rescue you 3 from the shelter, to give you the best home and all the love and protection possible. I would have never wanted it any other way. I knew you would be safe and happy in our home. 

When you all were puppies I thought I had many, many years with you to come. I never imagined I could lose any of you so young and so innocent.

Please forgive me that you weren't able to live out your life much longer. I am so very sorry. I hope you are not upset. 

I'm wishing and praying we will be back together again, and with your brothers who miss you so very much.

I love you Parker. I hope you always knew how much you meant to me, and how much you still mean to me.

I'm praying you are safe from harm and suffering. I want you to be happy. Please give me a sign. I need a sign of your love, the abundant love, you, as a little dog was blessed to have. I was blessed to have you as part of my family, my son. I am blessed to have your wonderful brothers. You were all such good dogs. I have no complaints, only sorrow that you are not here.

It never seems real. People who knew you know why it doesn't seem real, because you were filled with passion and we never thought that passion would be gone.

I love you forever, Parker. I will never stop thinking of you. You will be in my heart even after I die.

Love Mom
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Every day I read about so many tragedies. They remind me of my own and that I must stay strong. I have so many bad days, even after all these months. It's causing tension in my marriage. My husband doesn't like to see me crying every day. I can't help it. I miss my little guy so much. I just want him here.

This vet is a so-called professional, but he sucked the life out of my baby. Why? What did my dog do to him to let him die? He could have called me when things went bad. He waited hours. So wrong. No caring vet would ever do that. I wish every day I could go back in time. This is the most agonizing thing to ever happen to me. How does the sun still shine when we are hurting so much?
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It's a nice day, the sun is shining, but why does it feel so dark to me?   I'm clouded with darkness.  I miss my little guy.  I don't think I will ever see him again.  Rainbow Bridge?  Who knows.  Another difficult day for me.  I expect to see him sunbathing, running through our yard, playing with his brothers. He was full of life.  So full of life, health, vigor, happiness, and love.  It was taken from him in a matter an hour or so.  I can't make sense of it.  Trying to keep busy. It's impossible to not think of him.  Every day I miss him.  He was my little peanut.  Was?  I don't now how I can even utter that word.  Speaking of him in the past tense doesn't seem right. 

Parker, you deserved your life. Your simple life was so important to you. You would never take anything for granted, unlike people.  You deserve to be here enjoying the little things that made you so happy.  A little dog who asked for nothing and gave so much. 
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My Dear Little Parker,

I'm sorry Parker. Mom has been thinking more about you the last couple of days. I've been outside and I have been wishing you were running in garden, in the yard, by my side.  I have never felt so sad about anything in my life.  I don't want to make you sad. Please give me a sign.  I think your brothers miss you, too. Leroy just sits there. He doesn't have the spirit he had when you were here. I remember when you both became close, you cured him of his shyness, but Parker, I think he's falling back into being shy again. You made him sparkle. You made all of us smile, laugh, strong, and you filled us with passion.  I am always wishing I can go back in time. I'm a broken person with you not here.  I often feel responsible that I didn't keep you home. I wanted that and I don't know how I failed. I haven't been the same since you're not here. I have little interest in anything. It never seems right or fair to enjoy anything because I let you go.

I am so sorry. I don't anymore how to fix this. Not seeing you again tears me apart. It hurts so much. Please forgive me. Parker, I am so sorry.  Nothing is the same anymore. Your bright light is not here. I'm in darkness most of the time. 

Please forgive me. I love you so much My Little Peanut.  I'm sending love from your brothers, Leroy and Porter. I know they miss you and still love you.


Your Mom

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Hi Tina - its Chris Max's mum. I hear you every step of the way, I feel your pain absolutely. Still rivers of tears & no one around you understands how awful the pain is.

Getting through the day is such a trial but night time brings no relief either. It's the worst thing I have ever faced in my life & I have no idea how to get through the rest of my life without my soul mate. I am so distressed that I will never see my boy again - its unbearable.

Just know that I am thinking of you.

Warm wishes

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My Sweet Little Parker,

I wake up every morning with a pain in my gut knowing I will not see you.  Your brothers wake up with vigor and energy.  I think I am going to see you and you're not there. No matter how sunny or nice of a day, it doesn't feel like the sun is shining.  The light you shined has been darkened here.  I look forward to going to sleep at night. It's the only peace I get.  When I awake in the morning, the dread of you being gone starts all over again.  I just don't understand.  I don't know why you are gone. It doesn't make sense. You were not sick. You were taken away. 

My Little Angel, I want you to be here. I get upset with myself knowing I had choices.  Why didn't I keep you home that day?  Everything would be normal.  I am not the same anymore. I am missing a part of me and inside I feel numb. I am upset with myself.  I could have you here. I did a bad thing. I had a premonition something could go wrong there. I question myself every day what I was thinking.  I am still not pleased with your Dad since he had the idea and he brought you there.  Things between us are shaky.  It's not the same as before you were gone. 

I wish I could have my old self back and things at home were like they were. That would only be possible if this never happened or if I awoke and you were here again.  I know that's not possible. That's what hurts so much. I feel like I will never see you again.  I didn't keep you safe, though throughout your short life, I tried so hard. I looked ahead about things that could go wrong and I kept you from harm so many times. Why did I fail this time?  I need to protect you.  I am so sorry. Sorry is not enough.  Please do not be angry with me. As you always did,  please give me your unconditional love.  I may be asking for a lot because I failed you.  I don't know what to say anymore.  Know that I am broken-hearted and grief-stricken for over 5 months and it doesn't seem to get better. 

It all seems wrong that you are gone and I am missing you.  This should not be happening.  Remember that I always loved you.  My days seem to drag on without you. I feel lost without you. You were the energy in this home, the pack leader, the spirit, the laughter, and the shining light that gave all of us hope and filled us with passion.

My Little Baby, I Love You forever and eternally.  I hope there is a time we can be together again.  I'm not sure if that exists, but I sure do hope it does.


Your Mom

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To My Wonderful Happy Little Parker,

My light, my laughter, my angel

Today Mom had more tears than yesterday.  I thought about you all day. I’m still thinking of you.

Yesterday was a nice day, but your brothers were unusually quiet. They slept most of the day. Porter was sprawled out on one of the beds and Leroy was rolled up in another bed near the window. It seemed they were missing you. You would have been lying next to Porter or cuddled with Leroy. You loved being close to us. Sometime in between you would have come by me wherever I would be. I miss your little face watching me with the sparkle in your eyes.

Later in the day they were on the deck. Porter didn't bark quite as much as usual, but when he did, it was his usual continuous bark. I expected to hear your single bark and howl that would follow. I didn't hear it. I missed it so much, I was going to listen to a recording of you three when Leroy would join in with his Beagle howl. I wasn't sure if it would make me upset knowing you were not here and that it was just a recording. 

I took a break from the garden this year. I wanted to use my time to take portraits of the three of you with my new camera. I wanted crisp and clear shots that I could place under acrylic. I would have hung them on the big wall in the living room and would have them for a lifetime. That all changed when someone did this to you. I took out the camera and I transferred pictures to my computer.  I saw many of you and some I had just taken shortly before you were taken away.  It hurt too much to look at them. I'm sorry. I'm not strong enough yet.

I’m keeping the camera handy. The other day I saw a cardinal on our deck. This was the first time I’ve seen one here. I first thought I wish I had my camera. The cardinal stayed for a minute or so and then flew to a nearby tree. A day or so later someone told me about signs, and she mentioned a cardinal. She said it is a sign of an angel. Then I remembered the cardinal that was here. I thought about it and now I want to know if that was you?  Was it you coming to see us?  Please come back. I will believe if I see a cardinal nearby again, I will know that it’s you. 

I’m missing you so much Parker. It doesn’t seem the same without you. You were always the clown and entertainer. It’s silent now. I love your brothers, but they don’t play together. You were the one to motivate us all.

Parker, if that was you the other day, please come back. Make a believer out of me. I need to know you are not gone forever.

I Love You My Sweet Baby. I can’t believe I am not holding you, walking you, tucking you in a night. All of this seems untrue.  It doesn’t seem real.  I think sometimes you really aren’t gone.


I Love You My Sweetie,




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Parker was a little peanut.  Parker's brother, Leroy (Beagle) was always shy.  I knew from the start he would complement Leroy.  Parker was such a leader.  He took Leroy out of his shell.  I worry about Leroy now. I don't want him to go back into his shell. He knows something's different and doesn't understand. He knows his brother is not here.

Parker was Leroy's best friend. They were always together, playing, teasing each other, and Leroy was so happy. Parker was everyone's friend.  P1010075_1-16-16_LeroyParker25pct.png
He groomed both of his brothers and comforted them when they were sick.
He just liked making others happy. Never thinking of himself. I always knew he was wonderful and I will never forget. 
Parker, please give me a sign if you are here in spirit.  If that's the closest I can be to you for now, it will make me happy.  I want to care for you again sometime in the afterlife. I may need you to care for me, you were so good at caring for others. I love you sweetie peanut. Your Mom will try hard to find a time machine so I can go back and make this better. I'll do some research, but I can't make promises. I will make a promise that if there is an afterlife where we can be at the same place, when I get there, I will look day and night for you, my little peanut.  I love you so much. When we meet again, I will smother you with big hugs. Watch over me my sweetie. Take care of your me. I need your love. Your Little Peanut Parker love.


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Hello My Little One,

Mom  wants to say hello today. I am missing you Parker, as always.  I want you to remember I will never forget you.  It's a nice day and your brothers are on the deck watching the rabbits and deer. Of course your brother Porter is barking at them. I miss hearing you bark and howl.  Today is a day you would be sunbathing. I miss seeing you do that. You loved to lie in the sun and roll around on your back. It was always so cute. Then you would look up into the storm door window to peek in. I really miss that. 

I Love You Parker.  My little baby.  Your sunshine is missed at home. Your playfulness is missed by your brothers. Your love is missed by us all.

I Love You Forever.

Love, Mom


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