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Living_with_tragedy

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Reply with quote  #31 
Quote:
Originally Posted by pannklaus
I am so sorry that you are stuck at this point where the guilt comes back as a central part of your grief.  No matter how your precious dog died you would still be grieving his loss.  But the specifics of your situation cause the guilt to overshadow everything else.  

Perhaps some of the people in this forum who are dealing with a lot of guilt can share their struggles with you. Have you tried contacting some of them? There are also volunteers associated with this forum and other pet support loss hot lines which some people have contacted.   I don't know if any of them would be helpful or not but please keep trying.  I care and am very concerned about you.  I pray that you can find something that will help you with the tremendous burden of guilt which you are carrying.  



Patsy, I am beside myself. Sometimes I can't believe this happened because I am so careful and some kind of oversight that I had made this happen. It was never supposed to happen. I am torn. I still try to figure out what went wrong. You're right. I am stuck. I'm in a bad place. I feel like I'm sinking. I had my first grief counselor appt. I hope this helps me. Missing my young dog who didn't deserve this and feeling I put him in danger is wearing on me. I look for him. I wake up crying in the middle of the night.
Everything is wrong here. I'm not the same. I lost a piece of me. Even with my mistake sending him in error, the vet was supposed to keep my dog safe. I am broken and lost. I hope I can get stronger.
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pannklaus

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Reply with quote  #32 
I am glad that you are seeing a grief counselor and hope that it will help.  I know that you are broken and lost and that you aren't able to move past the tragic circumstances of your precious dog's death.  

Don't give up on grief counseling too quickly since it may take awhile to work through some of the issues.  Keep us posted on how you are doing.  There are a  number of people here who care.

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Living_with_tragedy

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Reply with quote  #33 
This pain won't leave. I feel like it was just yesterday this happened. I'm reliving it everyday when I think about what I didn't do. It was so easy and I can't understand why. Why did I pick him first to go? I have another dog who had an appt, too. He is not as afraid, he has had this done before at that place. I don't know if the outcome would have been the same because I don't know what really happened there. I don't know if I would have let him go either. I am so heartbroken that I allowed this. I can't let go of it. It's wrong and should have never occurred. I still feel I failed. I make the biggest mistake ever. The crying never stops. I've sunk so low I can't climb out. It hurts so much. I'm  trying to get through it, but there's too many reminders and I wake up in the middle of the night and the thoughts take over along with the tears. It's not going away. 
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pannklaus

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Reply with quote  #34 
Do you think that grief counseling will help?  If this counselor doesn't seem right for you, search until you find someone who you feel you can work with.  You need to work for awhile with a professional of some kind to get through your guilt.  We all are dealing with grief and that seems to get somewhat better over time, although there may be up and down periods.  But your guilt seems to be constant and you need to find someone who can help you move beyond the place you are at right now.  There  is someone out there who has handled this before and can work with you.  Please don't give up. Just keep looking until you find the right help.
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I_Will_Love_You_Forever

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Reply with quote  #35 
Quote:
Originally Posted by pannklaus
Do you think that grief counseling will help?  If this counselor doesn't seem right for you, search until you find someone who you feel you can work with.  You need to work for awhile with a professional of some kind to get through your guilt.  We all are dealing with grief and that seems to get somewhat better over time, although there may be up and down periods.  But your guilt seems to be constant and you need to find someone who can help you move beyond the place you are at right now.  There  is someone out there who has handled this before and can work with you.  Please don't give up. Just keep looking until you find the right help.


Hi Patsy,
I am feeling confident this particular grief counselor is the one. He was prepared with materials, didn't make my grief feel less important than other types of grief. I saw 2 others before him and they didn't even address my grief. I've been in a dark place for a long time. I've fallen into a depression. This unfortunate incident has hit me hard. I never knew I could ever feel so sorrowful and for so long. I had a strong bond with my dog and the circumstances under which he passed made it very difficult for me to understand and I had and have some anger. This incident hit me like a bomb. I never got any answers, no explanation, no apology. The state will ultimately deal with that. That won't bring my dog back and I have to work on accepting his absence. I am stuck.  I guess that's what the grief counselor will help fix. I'll be posting progress. It would be a good idea so others know whether something like this is helpful. Thank you Patsy for thinking about me. Thank you for your kind thoughts.
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Living_with_tragedy

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Reply with quote  #36 
My Dear Little Peanut Parker,
 
It is almost 4 months since you are gone, and your mom is trying to do her best to keep it together. I have a lot of crying bouts during the times I would usually see you. I wake up a lot in the middle of the night and I cry again. I really wish I could take back everything and have you here. After all this time I am still not myself. I have stopped doing the things I used to. It doesn't seem the same without you peeking your little head around the wall to watch your mom cook or better yet, to see if I dropped a crumb or two for you to scoop up. How I miss those moments. I took them for granted. I always thought you would be here the longest because of your unbelievable energy. 
 
I'm sure your brothers miss the morning craziness along with the mealtime craziness. It was all you Parker. You were the fun one. The motivator. The pack leader. That has all changed.  I wish so much you were here. I can't explain why things like this happen. Parker, I want to tell you how much I feel about you and how much I miss and love you. I always loved you and your brothers equally.  I loved you all for the different ways you were and things you did. The funny things, the lovable things. Leroy has his funny sounding yawn.  Porter rolls around in his bed while wrapping himself in his blanket, kicking his feet, sort of like Curly Howard when he said, "Moe, Larry, the cheese."  You had your zany ways to get your brothers all worked up and excited. You were the clown. Always up to something funny, like biting Leroy on his legs and ears to get him to play with you.  You were always funny when you rolled on your back, too. Your non-stop kisses.  It was always funny when you ran so fast down the stairs with the crocodile squeaky as big as you and you would never let go.
 
My dear little Parker, I will never understand why you were taken from us so soon.  We all needed you here.  You were the rock.  As small as you were, you were our hero when you chased away that huge Rottweiler after it charged us.  You protected us. We were so proud of you.  I wish I could have shown you more appreciation.  I may have taken you for granted thinking you would be here forever, as long as your age and health allowed.  Now I make sure I spend as much time with your brothers. Porter is being treated for pancreatitis and I can't afford to lose him, too.  I will go over the edge.  I can't handle another loss for a very long time. You were a wonderful dog and loved all of us. The loss of you has put me on the edge.
 
Parker, I think about you all day and I miss you always.
 
Please remember that your mom loves you forever and ever.  I will never stop.
 
I love you,
 Mom
 
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Living_with_tragedy

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Reply with quote  #37 
April 20, 2019

Today is my little Porter's birthday.

Today would have also been my little Parker's birthday. 
 
I always loved celebrating the shared birthday of these two wonderful Chihuahua-Beagle brothers. Parker's favorite gift was always a squeaky. Oh how he loved his squeaky toy as long as he could play with it before his bigger brother Leroy the Beagle, the squeaky hog, would take it away. That wouldn't last long for Leroy.  We would make sure Parker got back his birthday present. Leroy already got his own squeaky a couple of months before on his birthday, but he liked the challenge of grabbing Parker's new toy. Porter doesn't play with toys. He is happy just sitting by the window where he is everyday now. He watches everything and everyone.
 
I loved watching Parker and Leroy play tug of war with the new squeaky and other squeaky toys. As with all squeaky toys, eventually the squeaker would come out or stop squeaking and then their mom (me) would sew in a new squeaker. 
 
I have made sure that two of Parker's favorite squeaky toys are going to be preserved. Leroy won't be missing these two, he has enough of his own. I am saving his duck and crocodile. Both of these still squeak. Parker was a small dog.  He wasn't able to chew on them hard enough to break the squeaker, which is a nice thing. 
 
I will cherish these two toys in remembrance of him.  I sure miss that little guy. I wish he was here for his 7th birthday.  I just want to hold and hug him again.  It's not the same without him. Nothing's been the same. I wish this awful thing never happened to him. 
 
Parker, wherever you are, Happy Birthday, love Mom
 

I Love You and I Miss You 

XXXXXXOOOOOO
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Living_with_tragedy

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Reply with quote  #38 
Dear Parker,

I was thinking today about you when you would sunbathe on the deck. You were the only one who would do that. I am going to miss that now that the weather has been getting nicer. I remember when you would look up at the tinted storm door window to try to see inside, but you couldn't. Then I would call your name and you didn't know where it was coming from so you would step up on your feet and set your paws on the window trying to look in. I always loved that. I will miss that so much. I remember when we would go out and you and Porter would share your crate. When we returned we could hear all three of you howling and barking and almost crying because you missed us, and sometimes we were only gone less than one hour. When we got to your crate the both of you would jump up and you always took your one paw and pushed it down on Porter's head, pushing him out of the way. It was always funny. I miss you running down the stairs to bark along with Porter as he watched out the window. You didn't even know what you were barking at. You just didn't want to miss out on the fun.

We all miss you so much. I see Leroy sometimes looking lonesome. He misses the days you would come out nowhere and bite his ears or lick his ears and face when you groomed him. He knew how much he meant to you. You meant a lot to him. I know he misses you. Your brother Porter is so far getting by with his pancreatitis. We know he misses you. Sometimes I see him looking for you when we get ready to walk him. He looks around and smells for you. I feel so bad because you were like twins. He looks for you at night because you both slept right next to each other, keeping each other warm. I wish Leroy and Porter could talk so they could tell me what they are thinking and talk about the good times with you, but I can see it in their eyes.

Please be happy where you are. You are safe now. I want you to be at peace. 

I LOVE YOU,
MOM
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Kai_Baby1

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Reply with quote  #39 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Living_with_tragedy
Dear Parker,

I was thinking today about you when you would sunbathe on the deck. You were the only one who would do that. I am going to miss that now that the weather has been getting nicer. I remember when you would look up at the tinted storm door window to try to see inside, but you couldn't. Then I would call your name and you didn't know where it was coming from so you would step up on your feet and set your paws on the window trying to look in. I always loved that. I will miss that so much. I remember when we would go out and you and Porter would share your crate. When we returned we could hear all three of you howling and barking and almost crying because you missed us, and sometimes we were only gone less than one hour. When we got to your crate the both of you would jump up and you always took your one paw and pushed it down on Porter's head, pushing him out of the way. It was always funny. I miss you running down the stairs to bark along with Porter as he watched out the window. You didn't even know what you were barking at. You just didn't want to miss out on the fun.

We all miss you so much. I see Leroy sometimes looking lonesome. He misses the days you would come out nowhere and bite his ears or lick his ears and face when you groomed him. He knew how much he meant to you. You meant a lot to him. I know he misses you. Your brother Porter is so far getting by with his pancreatitis. We know he misses you. Sometimes I see him looking for you when we get ready to walk him. He looks around and smells for you. I feel so bad because you were like twins. He looks for you at night because you both slept right next to each other, keeping each other warm. I wish Leroy and Porter could talk so they could tell me what they are thinking and talk about the good times with you, but I can see it in their eyes.

Please be happy where you are. You are safe now. I want you to be at peace. 

I LOVE YOU

MOM


This bought tears to my eyes! A heartfelt message to Parker focusing entirely on the great love that you share.  Beautifully written! Remember, in the end that love is all that matters, nothing else does.
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Living_with_tragedy

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Reply with quote  #40 
I miss you Parker. It's over 4 months now. It's been tough for me. I find it hard to understand why and how this happened. Trusting a professional isn't always a guarantee as I am learning in a gut-wrenching way.  I think about you all the time.  You were always the leader. I was one of your followers. I hope you are happy where you are. I want you to know that I am missing you. Rest in peace my little one.

To My Dear Little Parker,


Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?
I'll find my way through night and day

Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees
Time can break your heart, have you begging please, begging please

Beyond the door there's peace I'm sure
And I know there'll be no more tears in heaven

I miss you,
I love you,
Mom



(some verses omitted)  Songwriters: Eric Patrick Clapton / Will Jennings
 
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Living_with_tragedy

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Reply with quote  #41 
I Love You My Sweet Little Parker.
 
I used to call you "Little Peanut" because you were so small and your feet were a little larger than my thumb. My little baby who I am missing every single day. Even when you were here, when I left the house, I always missed you and your brothers. I never liked leaving you home for too long. I always wanted to come back as soon as possible so I could be showered with kisses, and dog hugs, and funny antics while you all tried showing off your tricks. Then when it was feeding time, the craziness would begin. You would bite your brother's ears, legs, tease him, he'd play back lightly because he knew he could knock you out, but it was all in fun and the name of love.  Then your other brother would jump on both of you, all in fun and craziness because it was feeding time at the zoo.  Since we lost you, there is no craziness, no funny antics, and feeding time is a lot tamer. You made a big difference, you are dearly missed.

Your adventurous personality was the excitement at home. You kept me and your dad laughing.  The laughter stopped the day we lost you.

Your fun-loving personality by pulling the blankets over and over your head while trying to jump out kept me and your dad laughing. The laughter stopped the day we lost you.

When we dressed you in your car racing flag-themed checkered jacket, even as a dog, you knew what it meant. When you had it on, you would do burnouts with your tiny legs and feet and have us laughing.  ("Ladies and gentlemen, start your engines.")  The laughter stopped the day we lost you.

You would have us laughing when you ran down the stairs with your big crocodile squeaky toy that was as large as you, and you would make it all the way down the stairs without letting go.  The laughter stopped the day we lost you.
 
My little baby, I had you since you were a pup. You were only 6, healthy, never sick, and your life was tragically taken from you. I cannot think of only myself, you deserved to live your life! You were a happy, lovable, healthy little boy. You loved your brothers more than anything and loved me and your dad. 
 
I want you to know I love you always. I will never forget you. You taught me so much. I am a better person because of you, yes, a little dog has made me a better person because you were my little kid.
 
My grief overwhelms me. I am broken.  I miss you every minute and every hour of every day. You are always here in my heart
 
My Little Peanut Parker, I wish you were here to shower me with your sweet kisses 
XXXX OOOO

I LOVE YOU
Your Mom
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Living_with_tragedy

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Reply with quote  #42 
How will I get through this?  It's over 4 months and I'm still crying. I feel like I lost a child. Never having children, my 3 dogs were the only children I would have. So much has changed. I barely smile or laugh. At home it's very melancholy. We don't feel a desire to have fun without our little man, our leader. He was the rock here. Never asked for much. Happy with the little stuff. He had a simple life and loved everything about it.

I wish I could go back in time. I made a bad mistake. I could have saved him. I should have saved him. I was his protector. I was preoccupied and distracted. It was a mistake I can't live with. I feel horrible and guilty. 

When Parker was here and it was quiet in the house, he would get things going. Wanting to play, running around, just being so much fun. He made it fun. There is no fun now. I miss him everyday.  

How will I get through this?


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pannklaus

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Reply with quote  #43 
I am continuing to think about you with concern.  I like your letters to Parker.  As you, of course, know everyone is here because we have lost a precious pet.  Some fur babies were very young; others very old.  Some died under tragic circumstances; for others it was the natural cycle of ife. Some people are dealing with guilt as a part of grief; others grieve around other things.  The point is that regardless of how and when Parker died, you would still probably be in this group. Would it have made any difference if Parker had died later and under different circumstances?  Perhaps, but when you read the intense grief of people who lost their babies from natural old age, their grief seems just as intense. 

If this tragic mistake had not been made Parker still would have died at some point--maybe soon, maybe not for many years. But he could not have escaped death any more than the rest of our fur babies could.  He could have had some terrible disease that involved lots of horrible treatments that were unsuccessful.  He could have had years of poor health before he finally died.  There is no way to know. 

At times, it seems as though you focus on this event as if you had the power to save him from the death that eventually comes to all of our fur babies.  You had the power at one moment to make a different decision which at that moment presumably would have prevented his death.  But for how long?  Maybe it would have been years and he would have died of old age but that isn't guaranteed to any of us.  He just as easily could have had or developed an underlying medical condition that would have still caused an early death.  You could have found him dead in your home one morning without knowing why. 

Each day that we have our babies is a precious gift. The only thing that is guaranteed is that we have that  moment in time.  There is a song that played in my mind with another fur baby I had who had the critical appointment at the vet the next day:  "Yesterday is gone and tomorrow may never come but we have this moment today."  That is it.  None if us have the powers to always protect our babies from everything, to never make mistakes, to always at every moment be perfect pet parents.  I don't know if anything I am writing helps, but it is the reality of being mortal for our pets as well as all of the other living beings who we love.




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Living_with_tragedy

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Reply with quote  #44 
Hi pannklaus (Patsy),
Yes, it would make a big difference if he passed away from an illness that wasn't apparent. Or if he passed away when he was old and lived a full life. I would not feel guilty. I would be extremely sad and still grieve. If I saw he had some kind of symptoms and I ignored them or let them go, then no, it would not be different. I would feel a lot of guilt because I neglected him and didn't get him checked. I pay close attention to my dogs and I act on symptoms, I take them to the vet. I have always protected my dogs and took care of them like a mother bear that's why I can't figure out what happened with me with this entire nightmare. I do remember why he went first. My other two dogs take Pepcid and have to wait at least 15 minutes until they eat. I had Parker eat first the night before because the other two had to wait. I regret till this day ever allowing him to go. My other dog Leroy was scheduled to go the day after Christmas since Parker went the day before. I never wanted either of them to have this done. I wasn't crazy about that vet's office. They lied to me twice, five months before. I told my husband I never wanted to go back there. I didn't trust them. I regretfully forgot about it because a lot of time passed. I don't know why my husband didn't remember what I said. I think not wanting to go back there was somewhere in my subconscious. I don't have the same memory as when I was younger.  The weeks before this I had so many opportunities to cancel and I got distracted and very busy with the holidays. 

Yes, Parker, like all of us will die someday, somehow. This dog was never sick. He didn't even have allergies. I believe he would be healthy and sitting here today. I don't believe this was a mistake by that vet. I believe it was an incompetent and negligent vet. I had a bad feeling about that place at the last visit. I didn't trust them, yet I forgot and went back there. At first when he called, I believed him that something went wrong with the anesthesia. The day after Christmas I asked them to send me all of the records for the three dogs. A week later I still hadn't received them. I called and they said they were on the desk waiting to be mailed. It takes a week for them to mail them?  Another lie. When I picked up the records, there was barely anything written about what they did and if they did everything possible to save my dog. I realized then that he pretty much lied to me on the phone. He did clearly write "fractious" about my dog.  He acknowledged my dog didn't like being handled. He never called me to tell me what condition my dog was in. This according to my state, is a form of abuse, to keep my dog there My dog was nervous with strangers. That vet wrote "nervous dog" for the only two visits he had before this. It makes me wonder if my dog was panicking and frightened and by him keeping him there against his will, had something to do with his death. I was told that any caring vet would have called me to tell me he was in panic mode and stressed. I would have picked him up right away. These people were strangers to him and pretty much me. I don't know if they mistreated him out of frustration (it does happen). The day my husband dropped off our dog, the front desk shoved a paper at him. He said he needed to get his glasses from the car. They said he didn't need them, pointed and said, "Just sign there."  They didn't give him a copy and that paper was not with our records. That paper was probably the procedure and risks/release document. I think it's kind of sneaky that we did not get a copy of this. It was signed the day of the procedure. There is no way the vet would have discussed the procedure and risks that morning., and he didn't.  In my state, it's a law that the vet only discusses the procedure and risks. He didn't do this. No one did this. There were three items on his and my other dog's pre-op lab work that were never discussed with me. I didn't see the lab work until I picked up the records. This office does not follow the state code and laws. These are examples of the bad feeling I had about them. It was some kind of intuition. I didn't follow my intuition because I was too busy and distracted. I feel neglectful and irresponsible. I resent my husband for insisting on making the appts in the first place. 

Yes, I do think I could have saved him from that nightmare that day. I was fearful about it from the start. I worried about the anesthesia and knocking them out. I told the front desk people I didn't feel comfortable about it. I had many opportunities to prevent this. I believe in fate, but I also believe we have control over many things. If I got into a car accident because someone hit me, then that's my fate, whether I live or die. I would have been doing something I normally did and didn't know that would happen.  I believe we have control over some things and can prevent them. If I chose to drive after drinking alcohol then I make my own destiny. I know it's wrong, but I still took a chance and drove. If I crashed into someone and they lived, I may go to jail or lose my license for a long time and pay large fines. If I killed someone, I would probably go to jail. I could have prevented an accident by not driving drunk. It would not be a mistake. 

I understand other people have tragedies and I'm sure they feel just as guilty as I do if there was something they felt they neglected to do. I lost sight of my little one. There is no excuse. It still hurts. It's like I am standing still. 


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pannklaus

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Reply with quote  #45 
Over a lifetime of caring well for your dogs, you made one very, very tragic mistake.  It occurred when you were distracted by many other things.  You are human as we all are. You certainly didn't know it would lead to Parker's death.  As I said before, none of us can always be perfect pet parents and do everything right all of the time. There are people here who leave a door open one time and the dog runs out into traffic and is killed.  They feel a lot of guilt and write a lot about that.

If Parker had had a serious illness you would have obtained vet care from a good vet. But there get to be many issues there when there are possible treatments which will cause suffering to the pet and may not do any good. That is the more common dilemma many in this group, including me, have faced.  We are required to "play God" and decide when our babies will die and how much suffering we are going to put them through before we peacefully end their lives.  Many people feel guilt about that decision and second guess themselves a lot.

But the reality for all of us is that once our beloved pet is gone we cannot go back in time, no matter how much we punish ourselves.  Never forgiving yourself is not going to bring Parker back.  Going over and over the decision in your mind will not change the outcome.

And even though you feel it is likely that Parker would have had a long life overwise, and he may have, a very healthy pet can have a sudden serious illness. That has happened to some of my fur babies.  And one of my very healthy seeming babies suddenly died in my daughter's arms from a heart attack.  Our competent vet never picked up on the heart problem until the death, since diagnosing it would have required expensive tests that aren't done in routine exams. 

Like you, I have always taken very good care of all of my pets and have always consulted with vets when I see a problem.  But I have not been perfect all of the time.  I have become distracted by other things and ignored symptoms which I should have seen earlier than I did.
This hasn't resulted in their deaths, but it has caused them unnecessary suffering.  I have stayed with a bad vet when I shouldn't have because of the convenience of the location.  The best of pet parents do not always do the right thing all of the time.

I hope that at some point you will find  some way to forgive yourself.  You are holding yourself to a standard that isn't fair to you.  It is eating away at you and interfering with your relationship with your husband.  The tragedy happened, it is very tragic but you are now in this moment and need to find some way to go on and live life in the present.  I can't really speak for Parker but I don't think he would want you  to suffer the way that you are.  I hope that Parker can send you some sign that he is okay now and wants you to be okay too.








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