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pannklaus

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Reply with quote  #16 
P.S.  It appears that I need to be logged in to enable private messages.  I will try to stay logged in overnight but don't know how that will work.  I will contact you when I am free tomorrow if you haven't been able to reach me.
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Patsy
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Thai_Dad

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Reply with quote  #17 

Dear Living with Tragedy,

As with most of my posts, it is LONG.  But I hope you can get through it and I hope it brings you some peace.

Thank you for reading my original post.  Considering it has been over 2 years since Thai passed and the last update, I’m surprised it caught your eye.  I thought it best to reply on your own post as it is the least I can do for another parent who has lost their furbaby.

You asked about my story with Thai and I can get to that, but it really does seem like guilt is taking a toll on you so I’ll go over my own guilt with you here.

About a year before Thai passed, he had his ACL injury and the doctors weren't too concerned about repairing his knee, it was a cough they were more worried about.  After a more tests, EKG, and a cardiologist, they found that Thai’s heart was enlarged and it was pushing against his chest. In addition, they saw a murmur and the beginnings of a bad valve.

I started him on heart meds, took his resting heart rate and recorded it every day, did basically everything the doctors told me to do.  

Now let me fast forward to the day he passed.  I’ve talked about this day with plenty of people, but I’ll share here with you the one part I leave out.

Thai had a seizure around 3AM.  He stood up, collapsed, and I thought he had died right there on my bed.  He came around but would just stand there frozen, not moving, not sitting, not lying down, just not anything.  It was as if he was locked in place.

What did I do …. I did nothing.  Yup. Like an abusive, evil, disgusting, horrible, terrible, uncaring, useless piece of garbage of an owner, I did nothing.  He seemed to respond a bit and I went back to bed with him near my side. For three hours I slept, leaving my boy to suffer.

6AM rolled around and Thai did not respond to me as he usually did.  I felt his heart and it was racing so that is when I went to the emergency care and I handed him over to the nurse.  That was the last time I saw my Thai well.

They put him in the oxygen tent and they thought he would respond to it.  He fought for 10 more hours before I got a call at 4PM. They said he’d had a heart attack and wanted to know if I wanted them to resuscitate him.  I screamed yes, got in the car, but also had to call the other people that loved him, as I knew this was it. I picked up 2 people on the way to the hospital and when we got there, they had gotten a heartbeat back, but what was there wasn’t my Thai.

There was a tube in his mouth with splatters of blood, and when I saw him there was no reaction at all.  This wasn’t my boy and I knew he was gone. They asked me what I wanted to do and looking at him I said I couldn’t leave him like this and that was when I made the decision to let him go.  I crouched down and told him that he had fought long enough and that it was time to rest and felt his last heartbeat as they euthanized him.

Whew … so guilt.  It has taken me a long time to come to terms of not doing anything that morning.  Had he has seizures before? One or two and he came back from those fine. Did I intentionally try to kill him that morning?  Definitely not.

Here is the hard part.   We know their lives didn’t consist of that last day, week, or month.  Maybe not now, but hopefully at some point, you’ll recognize that the relationship started a long time ago.  For me 7 years, others 12 years, 16 years, etc. That’s what I hope we can all do with time. Remember the entire relationship, not just the last chapter.

And when we do, I know guilt will try to crawl back in.  Yeah we were too busy to play with them or kicked them out of the bed that one night.  Sure we weren’t the perfect owners 100% of the time, but I KNOW we weren’t the worst owners 100% of the time either!  

We loved them with every fiber of our being and we took such good care of them.  We should let those thoughts shine brightly in our minds, not just the guilty ones.  How did we spoil them? How many toys did we get? How many trips did we take them on?  How many decisions revolved around their lives? We were all good moms and dads.

But the GUILT.  Eventually you’ll let it go because it already happened.  We can’t change it anymore. We can’t make a different choice.

Maybe we can learn from what we did.  If your fur baby has a brother or sister, alright then, this time WE WILL be more up front with more tests.  WE WILL demand medication for that cough. WE WILL go to the vet more. WE WILL get those vaccinations. We will because we can decide to do things differently … in the future.  

But for our babies that have gone to the rainbow bridge.  That’s the past. We can’t change that. We want to. I want to.  I know all of us here would do it in a split second. But we can’t.  Those choices, decisions, outcomes, those are all set in stone and time moves on.  Beating up ourselves for it won’t change anything.

Now you are on DAY 4, so honestly, none of what I just wrote will make any difference on how you’re feeling.  Just know that EVERYONE here has and is going through what you are going through. We understand that this wasn’t just some pet.  This was someone that gave us 100% unconditional love and forgiveness. You did your best and just like every other time, they forgive you.

Please stay on this forum and share as much as you feel comfortable with.

I’m on day 809.  I still have bad days, but now there are more good than bad.  

 
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pannklaus

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Reply with quote  #18 
Just woke up and checked the Forum.  It appears that Thai Dad  has covered a lot of the issues you are dealing with in great detail.  He is saying some of the things I would say, as well as a lot more.  I am here today if you need me but perhaps you will want to correspond with Thai Dad since he writes in much more detail about all of the issues around guilt and grief.  He has been there and I hope what he has written is of some help to you.
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Patsy
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Living_with_tragedy

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Reply with quote  #19 
I have a question for the vet who killed my dog. How could you manage to kill a healthy 6 yr old in just a matter of an hour or so for a routine procedure and have nothing to say for it except maybe it was the food I fed him? Really? How about keeping my dog in your grips knowing he was in a state of panic while he was scared to death and you couldn't pick up the phone to send my poor little baby home? You left him there so you could continue with your plan and make money. You recognized he was in distress and any caring vet would stop the procedure to keep him from stressing and then send him home. I am told by experts you did nothing in your power, not everything you could do to keep him alive and breathing. You did the bare minimum. Just enough not to strain yourself or work too hard. Why would you care? It wasn't your pet or a friend's, It was some customer who for you, could mean less. So I've lost my dog because you failed, My beautiful young healthy dog who meant the world to me. There was nothing wrong with him. He was filled with vibrancy and love. You not once offered an explanation or apology. You had nothing to tell me. You didn't suggest a necropsy if you were so certain you were not at fault. So what really happened Mr vet? Were you even in the room? So many other things I have found out now have proved you are a liar and deceitful and that my dog's safety and health were not your priority. I hope your day comes and it comes with a vengeance. I hope to hear about it, too. Maybe you'll make the headlines. Keep killing other pets and I'm am sure you will.
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pannklaus

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Reply with quote  #20 
I am so sorry to hear about the vet you had.  Are there any reviews on this vet or places where you can write a review?  Does someone on this forum know what procedures there are for handling malpractice with vets? 

I am sure this situation with the vet is contributing a lot to your grief.  Even when you have a very sensitive, caring vet though  he/she cannot make the grieving process go away.  Our vet called us later to see how we were doing, sent a beautiful, personally written note and told us to contact him and his staff if there was anything they could do to help us through grief.  That was greatly appreciated but we still are having to go through the grieving process, even though our baby was 16 years old and had had a long and good life.

The fact that you had the type of vet you had is not your fault.  It doesn't make you a murderer.  Before we got our current vet, we had one who wasn't very good but it took several years with her to discover the kinds of errors in judgement she was making and switch to someone else.  She was very good at covering up and smoothing over things and we were misled for a long time.  We would have lost our baby much sooner if we hadn't had time to discover her problems before the situation became serious.

It is too late now of course to protect your precious baby from this vet.  But you can find out what options are available to you to protect others from this person.  It appears that you are already beginning to do that.  I am so very, very sorry to hear what this vet did to your precious dog.  But I am glad to see you expressing your anger here on this forum.  The anger needs to be directed in the right place and not against you.


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Patsy
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Living_with_tragedy

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Reply with quote  #21 
Dear Thai Dad and Pannklaus(Patsy),

I am actually at 3.5 months and I don't feel better. I'm actually having health problems now from my stress. What I deal with everyday is how in the world could I allow him to go to that appt in the first place. It was routine dental that I had every intention of cancelling (because thanks to my husband he set up an appt). I never got around to it. I don't know why. I ask myself that everyday through my grief and pain. It was never meant to ever happen. Never meant to have any appt, but it was already set. For some reason I accidentally sent him there that morning and didn't even think about it. That appt should have been canceled before that day. I mistakenly offered for him to go, of all things, I didn't want this at all. I put my dog in a risky situation. I knew this was risky. He went and it turned out to be just what I worried about, a bad feeling of something going wrong. I had time before this to cancel this appt which by the way was not initially made by me. A simple phone call would have changed everything. I am so sick about this, the guilt is part of me everyday. I don't know how to live with it knowing I let him go there. I am physically and mentally broken. I don't know how to deal with this. It's a little different than other losses. I made this happen. I helped allow my dog to die. I had a very bad feeling and I didn't act on my intuition. It's caused problems with my marriage because my husband was the one to set this up. We never discussed it anytime in between which is a complete mistake. If we communicated, I would have expressed my fear and apprehension and I'm sure it would be different. He would be here. So much regret and mistakes. It's too much for me to deal with. It's a tragedy that was so avoidable, now my beautiful 6 year old baby is gone. There was nothing wrong with him.  I ask where was his guardian angel to keep him safe?  
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pannklaus

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Reply with quote  #22 
You had a bad feeling about the appointment but you didn't know in advance  that your precious dog was going to die. If you had known that, you would have definitely cancelled the appointment.  I don't know how to tell you to get past the guilt that you feel but with many of our fur babies deaths we can get into "what ifs".  If I had recognized his disease sooner, if I had chosen a better vet, if I had given more attention and not been so busy, etc., etc.  Just as with people who go into hospitals for minor surgeries, pick up an infection and die (which has happened with several of my colleagues), there is nothing that is totally predictable in the field of medicine.  What if you had waited to have dental cleaning and then that had led to some complications which resulted in death? Unlikely, but it does happen. 

You can play out the tragic circumstances of your beloved babies death over and over in your mind but it won't bring him back.   If the vet was truly incompetent and guilty of malpractice you can focus on that and protect other pets from suffering the same fate.  I don't know what the situation is there--was it malpractice or a tragic accident.

As Thai Dad has written you loved your baby very much and gave him an overall good life.  Over time I hope that you can begin to focus on the overall relationship you had and not just on his death.  In the future, you will make other choices with other pets if there are any.  But the past is over and no amount of punishing yourself with guilt will change it.  I know the guilt will continue to creep in even after you begin to move away from it. But the guilt is wrecking your health and keeping you so tortured that you can think of nothing else. I imagine it is affecting your relationship with your husband.

Nothing that Thai Dad or I am writing is going to change anything now.   I pray that over time you will be able to work through your guilt and begin to move on.   I continue to be deeply concerned about you and the misery that you are going through.  Please continue to write and see if some of that will eventually help.






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Patsy
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Living_with_tragedy

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Reply with quote  #23 
Please, I just want my dog back. Please! I'll give anything.
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pannklaus

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Reply with quote  #24 
Of course you want your precious dog back.  Everyone in this forum wants their babies back.  We don't want to be here grieving their deaths.  None of us would be here if we hadn't lost our babies.  But the loss has occurred and we can't make them come back in this life.  All we can do is try to get through the day and work through our grief.  That is reality--even though reality is lousy.
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Patsy
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Living_with_tragedy

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Reply with quote  #25 
I'm still heavily grieving the loss of my then 6 yr old for a senseless reason and not understood by others that I feel so very responsible which fills me with guilt and extreme sorrow knowing it was a preventable situation. Now his blood brother is being treated for pancreatitis, on Royal Canine Rx low fat food. I am keeping my fingers crossed. he is much too young to battle this disease. I can't lose him, too I will fall apart if that happens. I'm trying to do all the right things for him He had a week's worth off IV fluids and many meds. He is being closely watched. It still shows up on lab test. I will lose my mind if something happens to him. He never had table food. A previous wound may have stressed his system when he was 3 and 10 lbs he was viciously attacked by a 110 lb dog. I am still lost and missing his brother. I can lose him, too. I had these little guys since they were pups.
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pannklaus

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Reply with quote  #26 
I am praying for the recovery of this dog.  I desperately want him to recover.  I do not want you to face any more tragedy.  I continue to think about you with great concern and caring.
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Patsy
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Living_with_tragedy

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Reply with quote  #27 
Quote:
Originally Posted by pannklaus
I am praying for the recovery of this dog.  I desperately want him to recover.  I do not want you to face any more tragedy.  I continue to think about you with great concern and caring.


Thank you so much Patsy.  Thank you for your prayers. He got sick today, threw up the usual brown stuff. I panicked it could be a new bout of his disease. He wasn't in pain. I'm hoping it's a fluke thing because there was grass in with it and he was eating grass earlier. I'm hoping it was only something with the grass that made him sick. I will be watching him closely. I won't make it if I lose him, too. They will have to send me to the hospital's 6th floor.   He's such a wonderful dog. I can leave him unattended in the house and he gets in no trouble. He doesn't ask for much.The first thing he does in the morning is run to the window. (We have low level windows.)  His entire life is sitting by the window and watching everything and everyone who goes by and then he barks and goes nuts. Deer make him the craziest. We kept his birth name which is Porter and it suits him perfectly. Some definitions are gatekeeper, doorman, and an employee in charge of the entrance of a hotel, apartment complex, or other large building. He definitely guards our home. ~ Tina
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Will_Never_Forgive_Myself

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Reply with quote  #28 
No matter how I try not to blame myself I still feel I let my dog down. I made a horrendous error and I've suffered pain since then. I try not to think of the pain my dog suffered, it tears me apart inside and then I can't stop crying.
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Living_with_tragedy

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Reply with quote  #29 
How I wish I wasn't so foolish. I failed my dog. There's no excuse for not being attentive enough. I wasn't thinking clearly. I'm trying not to carry blame, but it comes back to me when I miss him and think of him. What did I do?!
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pannklaus

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Posts: 323
Reply with quote  #30 
I am so sorry that you are stuck at this point where the guilt comes back as a central part of your grief.  No matter how your precious dog died you would still be grieving his loss.  But the specifics of your situation cause the guilt to overshadow everything else.  

Perhaps some of the people in this forum who are dealing with a lot of guilt can share their struggles with you. Have you tried contacting some of them? There are also volunteers associated with this forum and other pet support loss hot lines which some people have contacted.   I don't know if any of them would be helpful or not but please keep trying.  I care and am very concerned about you.  I pray that you can find something that will help you with the tremendous burden of guilt which you are carrying.  


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Patsy
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