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Living_with_tragedy

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Reply with quote  #121 
TO MY SWEET LITTLE BABY, MY LITTLE PEANUT,

I haven’t written to you in a while. Your Mom has been a little down. I couldn’t write for a while. It was hurting too much.  I want to make up for it and tell you how much I miss you, my sweet little baby.

I have been thinking again about our dancing days.  I heard a lot of songs that I would have you dance to with me.  I hope you remember some of them.  They are mostly oldies.  “Sugar, Sugar”, “Limbo Rock”, and “Be My Baby”.  You ARE my baby and always will be.

The emptiness from losing you has left a hole in my heart.  It seems to get bigger as time goes on.  My heart is broken.  I am broken.  It is so much for me to bear sometimes because I know there is no reason you should not be here.  I miss you so much, my sweet Little Peanut.

Mom has been listening to a beautiful song called “I’ll See You Again.” I hope that is true. I want to see you again.  I hope you hear me singing it.  I sing it to you, my precious baby. I sing it loud and clear.  Especially the first two lines: “Always you will be part of me, and I will forever feel your strength.”  I have always been aware of your strength.  You were the strong one here. You were the glue.  You always amazed me.  You never cried or showed any pain when your teeth were fractured from the Nylabone. You were always calm. You never showed weakness.  Dr. Chris took good care of you and you were strong. 

There are so many beautiful words in that song that I sing to you: “You're gone now, gone but not forgotten. I can't say this to your face, but I know you hear.”   Please hear me, Parker.  I have not forgotten you.  Some days are hard for me.  I hope you understand, and you are not upset. I don’t want you to be unsettled.  More words from the song have so much meaning from me to you: “In my darkest hour I tell myself I'll see you again.”  I keep saying to myself that I will see you again.  Please know that, my little sweetie.  We will be together again.

I do feel you beside me. You are here.  Watching over us and protecting us with your strength and courage.  As the song says: “I'll see you again. You never really left. I feel you walk beside me. I know I'll see you again.”

Your brothers miss you.  They look around and I think they think you may appear at some point. They don’t understand.  I hope you read your brother Leroy’s letter.  He loves you so much.  You were his best friend.  The bestest friend and brother he could have. Your brothers will see you again and someday we will all be together.

We all love you and you will never be forgotten.  Please know that, my little one, in case I don’t write soon enough. I will keep singing the song to you: “I miss you like crazy. You're gone but not forgotten.  I'll never forget you.”

I am still praying my novenas.  I have faith they will be answered.  I will share them with you when all my prayers are answered. 

You are a special little dog.  It is difficult for me without you. I won’t lie. I have some rough days, but you give me strength to take care of your brothers.

I Love You so very much.  I miss you following me around the house.  I haven’t been baking or cooking too much.  It is hard when I expect to see you peek around the corner and tiptoe into the kitchen to be with me. 

Even if I am off-key, I will still sing the song to you: “When I'm lost, I'm missing you like crazy and I tell myself I'm so blessed to have had you in my life.”  I am blessed you were here and part of this family. We are still family. I miss you so much.  I want to hold you again. I miss your sweet little kisses.  I miss your bountiful affection.

Remember, My Little Peanut, I Love You forever.  My love for you is infinite.

LOVE,

MOM

  love-you-forever_1142-1675-33pct.jpg 

 

 


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Living_with_tragedy

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Reply with quote  #122 

Lost Without You, My Little Peanut

I seek your affection as time passes. I know you were the one who gave that to me.  It was your unfaltering affection that kept me comfortable and content. You filled me with confidence with your unconditional love. My little boy, I miss you so much.

Every day I cannot believe you are gone. It’s hard for me to understand how you were taken away under the circumstances.  I am weak at the knees that you are not here.  You were my guiding light. You showered me with your strength.  Your unbelievable zest and zeal awakened our spirits and kept all of us on top of the world.  Each day was a special one with you here. You made it special.

This is so wrong.  We need you here. We need your little doggy face to keep us smiling. We need your cuddles. Will I ever see you again?  It hurts. How could this happen?  I want you here. I’m so lost without you, my Little Peanut.

Parker, so many months have gone by and I am still feeling the pain of my loss.  I don’t know how to get by. The days and nights are empty.  I have a hollow feeling in my heart.  I don’t look forward to the holidays.  I want to block out the entire month of December. It is meaningless to me. It will be an unbearable time for me.  There will be no holiday in this house this year, maybe never again. It would be wrong to celebrate.  Disrespectful to you.  I want to jump forward to the new year. Parker, please send me a sign. I need to get through this difficult time. Anniversaries are happy celebrations. It’s not an anniversary. It’s a time I don’t want to remember.  I don’t know what to call it, except it may be my journey back into darkness. 

Parker, I am not sure if you were sending a sign through your brothers the other day. I didn’t finish this letter and sometime in between the day I started writing this and today, a few things happened.  I took Porter out and unlike him, he did the “burnout” with his front and back feet, just like you always did when you went out. It was so unlike Porter to do that.  I was so surprised, and I didn’t know what to think.  He did it with gusto, almost as if it was you doing it.  I almost thought it was you because you both looked so similar when looking down at the two of you.  The same day another unusual thing happened.  Leroy doesn’t play with his squeaky unless he just came in from outside and after he is told he was a good boy for doing “his thing.”  That’s when he comes in plays with his squeaky. He gets so excited as if he did a good deed and is proud of himself. The other time he will play with his squeaky is when we are present, and he wants to play.  This day was different.  I heard him making a lot noise and squeaking his toy while he was out on the deck. I peeked to see what he was doing, and he was playing alone. He was running back and forth squeaking his toy. He did this for a while.  I couldn’t figure out why he would do that while alone. He’s never done that before when he was alone. I had a thought that I don’t know if it could be true, but my thought was you were there with him in spirit and he felt your presence.  Parker, I hope my beliefs are true. I want to believe you are here in spirit. 

I hope and want to see you again.  I hope the Rainbow Bridge and afterlife beliefs are true. Without you now, I find it so hard to get through the day. You were such a happy little guy. You were everywhere I went. You loved to close and near to me.  You always made me smile. I don’t smile much these days. I love your brothers so very much. They are a lot alike, but you were unique. You were the affectionate and lovable one. I miss that. I wish I could go back in time and change all of this.  I regret decisions I made.  I want you to know that and forgive me.

I have a hard time believing you are not here. I cry sometimes and say to myself, “This is not real. It’s all wrong.”  It is wrong.

Parker, I Love You. Mom is always thinking of you. Day and night. Night and day.

I Love You so much.  I miss you.  Please stay near. I want to feel your spirit. If you could bring so much joy and happiness when you were here, I believe your spirit can do that, too.

I Love You Forever, My Little Peanut.

Mom

 

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Living_with_tragedy

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Reply with quote  #123 

To My Wonderful Little Boy Who Gave So Much Love And Asked For None In Return,

I Love You. I would give my life for you.  You had so much more to live for.  This poem is for you, My Little Peanut.



Tribute to a Best Friend
Sunlight streams through windowpane onto a spot on the floor...

then I remember,
it's where you used to lie, but now you are no more.

Our feet walk down a hall of carpet, and muted echoes sound...

then I remember,
it's where your paws would joyously abound. 


A voice is heard along the road, and up beyond the hill, 

then I remember,
it can't be yours… your golden voice is still.


But I'll take that vacant spot of floor and empty muted hall, 

and lay them with the absent voice and unused dish along the wall.


I'll wrap these treasured memories in a blanket of my love, 

and keep them for my best friend until we meet above.


~ Author Unknown
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PeanutWee

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Reply with quote  #124 
Beautiful poem, thank you for sharing.

Wishing you peace and healing,
Peanut’s Mom

__________________
"Sometimes even the smallest things can take up the most room in your heart"
-Winnie the Pooh

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Living_with_tragedy

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Reply with quote  #125 

TO MY BELOVED PARKER,

A LOVABLE, INNOCENT LIFE LOST

Parker, I want to tell you that I am sorry for every time I said, “No” to you.  For every time I said, “Go inside.”  For every time it sounded like I didn’t want you to have fun. It wasn’t because I didn’t want you to have fun, or I didn’t love you. Most of the time it was because I didn’t want you to get hurt. Maybe you were coming near something or near where you might get hurt.   If you were going to jump up onto the bed, I would tell you not to. I did not want you to pull out your back or let something else happen to you.  When I told you to go inside it was because I may have been doing something where you could have gotten hurt or something could have fallen onto you.  I also said and did this with your brothers, too.  I am so very sorry Parker if at anytime I sounded mean to you. I love you and I was only watching out for you.  I always wanted you by my side. Why wouldn’t I?  You were quiet and undemanding. I never felt you were a bother. I always hugged you and your brothers after I thought maybe either of you felt offended.

I wish you were here today.  I wish you were here every day.  I don’t know what to do some days without you.  Leroy sleeps most of the time if it is not nice out since he cannot be out on the deck. I know you and he would be playing all day long, inside and outside, it never mattered.  All together you were my entertainment.  You got the fun going. Watching the three of you was better than TV or a movie.  

It’s not fun most of the time.  Your brother Porter is amusing when he rolls around on his back, pants when he’s excited, and funny when he looks out the window. Leroy is funny with his special noise he makes when yawning. He’s funny when he plays with his squeaky and when we try to take it away from him.  Most of that doesn’t happen on dreary, rainy days.  No matter what weather was outside, you were always “up” and ready to play, tease, and have fun.

The cold and dreary weather is upon me.  If there are any signs from you, they will need to be inside on most days. I am blocking out the entire month of December from my mind out of respect for you.  It will be an awful month for me. I don’t know if I will be writing to you. I don’t know if I will go into seclusion.  I don’t know if I will want to ski or do much this coming winter. It has now become a wrong time of year for me.  I look forward to spring, but right now that is a long way off.

I LOVE YOU WITH ALL OF MY HEART, MY SWEETIE.

AGAIN, I WILL SAY THAT I MISS YOU.  I WILL KEEP ON TELLING YOU HOW MUCH I LOVE AND MISS YOU.

LOVE,

MOM

 

 

 

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Living_with_tragedy

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Reply with quote  #126 


From my little Parker.  He watches over me.

I LOVE YOU FOREVER PARKER.  PLEASE NEVER GO AWAY.  PLEASE STAY NEAR. 

I Walk With You 

I stood by your bed last night,

I came to have a peep.
I could see that you were crying,

You found it hard to sleep.

I whined to you softly as you brushed away a tear,
“It’s me, I haven’t left you, I’m well, I’m fine, I’m here.”
I was close to you at breakfast, I watched you pour the tea,
You were thinking of the many times, your hands reached down to me.

I was with you at the shops today,

Your arms were getting sore.
I longed to take your parcels,

I wish I could do more.

I was with you at my grave today,

You tend it with such care.
I want to reassure you, that I’m not lying there.

I walked with you towards the house, as you fumbled for your key.
I gently put my paw on you, I smiled and said, “It’s me.”

You looked so very tired and sank into a chair.
I tried so hard to let you know, that I was standing there.

It’s possible for me, to be so near you every day.
To say to you with certainty, “I never went away.”

You sat there very quietly, then smiled, I think you knew…
in the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you.

The day is over, and I smile and watch you yawning
and say, “Goodnight, God bless, I’ll see you in the morning.”

And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide,
I’ll rush across to greet you and we’ll stand side by side.

I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see.
Be patient, live your journey out, then come home to be with me.

~ Author unknown

 

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Memories_of_Marmalade

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Reply with quote  #127 



Dear Living_With_ Tragedy,

You always post such beautiful, touching, illuminating, insightful, inspiring and poignant posts to your beloved Parker. Thank you again for always sharing such sentiments and missives here on the forum. Your words to your beloved Park resonate with so many of us here and what we are feeling and experiencing. You are always in my thoughts & prayers.

Kind regards,
James
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Max147

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Reply with quote  #128 
Yes indeed, I agree with you James & this beautiful poem took my breath away & tears are falling.xxxx
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chilover

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Reply with quote  #129 
Dear Living with tragedy.

Absolutely beautiful words..

So heartfelt & beautiful!

Hugs

Daisy's mummy
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Living_with_tragedy

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Reply with quote  #130 

I wrote this for my little Parker who should be here today.

I miss you so much Parker.


Life Without You  
     (written by your Mom, to you, Parker)

 

A whisper to your brothers for a kiss go unnoticed

I would be showered with kisses if you were here

Life without you leaves me lonesome without your love

 

An attempt to play with your brother leaves him confused

You would run and chase me if you were here

Life without you, there is no fun

 

Each room I enter is empty. No sign of you at all

Yet I can picture you seated, gazing at me, with your beautiful face smiling at me

It’s only a picture in my mind because it’s life without you

 

I think about our runs in the yard while you sniffed the flowers in between

I wish we could still run together so I could watch you have fun

I only dream about this now because I live life without you

 

My Alpha Dog, you were the spunk and drive that got things going

You were all my little “maniacs” when you got the party started

Now it is all quiet.  This is life without you

 

I had so many plans for you boys this summer

I was to take portraits and set them in acrylic that I could cherish forever

It doesn’t seem right to take them now while I live my life without you

 

I long to see you follow me around. I look for you, but you are not there

You were full of energy. The funny things you did could keep me laughing for hours

It’s wrong that your happy face can’t brighten up the room anymore. This is life without you

 

I don’t know why I had to lose you so young, My Little Peanut. I can’t make sense of it

I am sad, lonely, and I love and miss you so much. I want to hold and squeeze you

Parker, my loving little baby, I cry for you always, sometimes for days

 

 I am lost and it’s been so difficult, but I have to find a way to live my life without you

 

~ Mom

I Love You Forever, Parker, my sweet Little Peanut

 

 

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Living_with_tragedy

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Reply with quote  #131 

DEAR PARKER,

The time I lost you is coming up.  I don’t know how I will handle it. I have been feeling low and down. I guess I’m not good at handling loss. Especially the way I lost you. If you lived a long life and I knew you had a long, happy life, but it was time, I would save you from suffering, and unselfishly let you go. What happened to you is much different. I have a hard time with it.

Parker, I had time to change this. I had time to decide to keep you home. I didn’t, even though I had a suspicion and I didn't feel right about it. I tried thinking positive.  Now I have lived with guilt. Guilt beyond imagination.  I don’t know what to do or how to feel anymore.  I cry so much because I feel partly at fault.  I miss you and I feel I have no right to tell you I love you after letting you go there.  Why should you believe me?

How can I say I love you when I allowed this?  I wonder that myself.  I always did everything possible to keep you boys from harm.  Sometimes I overdid it, but you were always safe. Where did I fail?  How did I fail?  I took you away from your brothers. I let you go. Why?  I ask why you?  You were not sick or old. Why did this happen?  I am beyond sad.

I miss you so much.  I am not exaggerating when I say it is very quiet here without you.  I miss my little model.  I haven’t used the sewing machine since you are not here. I put it back in its box.  I miss my little crumb picker. You would look all around for any morsel or crumb to fall while I heard the pitter-patter of your tiny feet.   I miss your little howling bark. You always had “the last bark” when you boys would crowd around the window and bark. It was your tiny bark that I heard last.

Parker, I have bad dreams about what may have happened. I think sometimes you were crying and full of fear. You must have felt we abandoned you.  I wish I could go back and change this!

Please believe when I say I am so very sorry and that I really do love and miss you.  The only way now to make this up to you is to keep writing you and to take extra good care of your brothers. They are so sad without you. Porter has been waiting downstairs at night and won’t come up for a while. I think he is waiting for you.  I know he is.  Leroy looks for you all the time. When he is in his bed, he lies with his back to us. I think this is how he is mourning.  We are all mourning.

I want you here.  You are gone. I don’t know if I will ever see you again.  I am doubting signs. I haven’t seen any in a long time. Maybe they don’t exist.  Maybe you are gone forever. Too hard for me to process. So much of this is seems like it’s real and this is just a dream.   I want to look at your pictures and videos so I can live in the moment, but it’s difficult. I’m not ready yet.  I haven’t found a way to cope with you gone, even after all this time. I’ve never felt this lost and down before.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH MY LITTLE PEANUT.   I MISS YOU.  PLEASE BELIEVE ME.

Love,

MOM

 

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pannklaus

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Reply with quote  #132 
Now that the calendar has turned you know that you are approaching the most difficult month of the year and that shows in your writing to Parker.  It IS okay to love Parker because you loved him deeply with all of your heart.  And Parker knows that.  You allowed him to go on what normally would be a routine dental appointment.  It had a tragic outcome but no one could have known that in advance.  Even if the vet was not very good, he should have known how to do a routine procedure like that without causing harm.  

You love Parker and Parker loves you.  Those facts are simply not in dispute.  The life you had together shows the kind of relationship you had.  Don't let those last few hours of Parker's life define everything. Even if your worst fears are true and Parker did feel frightened and abandoned (and we don't know that), our precious fur babies often feel that way when we leave them at the vets office.  They don't know that uncomfortable procedures are being done for their health.  Parker, on his last day, went to sleep and didn't wake up. He probably didn't understand anything that was happening at the vet's office just as he didn't understand any of it on all of his previous visits to vets, whether they were competent or incompetent. YOU know everything that happened but you are seeing it from your perspective only.

I hope the time will come eventually when you can look at all of the videos and pictures of your life with Parker and begin to enjoy them.  I know that time is still very far away for you and it would be especially difficult now to do it.  But when it does come someday, some of these terrible images in your mind might be replaced with the pleasure of the wonderful days that you had together.  I think that Parker would want you to celebrate the life you had with him and not let one day of his life define your entire relationship.


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Patsy
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Living_with_tragedy

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Reply with quote  #133 

TO MY WONDERFUL SWEET PARKER,

Yesterday, your brother Porter did something that reminded me of you.  I was up late cooking and baking. It was past his bedtime.  He wouldn’t go up to bed. He sat there in the kitchen and watched me. He wasn’t looking for a treat or a crumb to fall.  He just wanted to be there. It was so much like you when you would follow me around the house and gaze at me.  I took that for granted. Parker, I always thought you guys would be here for many, many years. I never experienced a loss of a young pet. My last dog was 16 and he lived a very happy and long life. I thought all of you would live to at least 16. I took it for granted that I had so much more time.  I miss the times I would touch your tail and you would turn in a circle. You loved being teased.  That made you more playful.  I am confused how a playful little boy like you could be gone just like that.

So, there I was, cooking and baking.  Just like I would for you, I got a bed and blanket for Porter.  He looked so relaxed. He laid there and got comfy. He dozed off a few times. It was comforting to have him there. I felt like he just wanted to be near his mom, just like you.  I remember last year when I was up late shopping online for your dad’s birthday gift. You tiptoed into the room. It was so nice that you wanted to be with me. I got a bed for you to make you comfortable. You stayed there and gazed at me with your sparkling brown eyes. Last night, Porter reminded me of you.  It was a great moment, but also bittersweet because I also wanted you there.  I cried.  I longed to see you. 

When I was done, your brother was happy to follow me upstairs to his bed.  He made me feel so good being by my side.  I miss that of you. Porter was able to give that to me. He has been staying downstairs a lot while I am still there.  He waits for me to go upstairs.  That also reminds me of you. There were many times when we were all going up to sleep, and you would be the first to run up the stairs, so excited to go to your bed. You and Porter would sleep close together and cuddle.  I don’t know if Porter is missing that and if that is why he waits until I am ready to go up.

Everything here has changed. The 6-year routine no longer exists.  My little leader, we are lost without you. It was you who filled us with sunshine, energy, and joy.  Nothing is the same. I am not the same. This has taken a toll on me.  You belong here.  Someone decided your fate and it was not a higher power. I wish you could talk to me and tell me what happened.

I need a sign from you. I’m losing faith in signs and spirits.  Please come to me in a dream. I want to see you as you were.

I am so sorry, my baby.  I hope someday I will see you again.  I don’t know if that even exists. It breaks my heart that I may never see you again. 

PARKER, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, IT’S IMMEASURABLE

Here is a poem for you, and a picture of your brother Porter as he stayed by my side last night.

I LOVE YOU PARKER. FOREVER

LOVE,

MOM


Porter (Parker's brother)
IMG_20191105_212038_Porter_bed_kitchen small.jpg 

He Was Just My Dog

By Unknown Author

He was my other eyes that could see above the clouds;
my other ears that heard above the winds.
He was the part of me that could reach out into the sea.

He had told me a thousand times over that I was his reason for being;
by the way he rested against my leg;
by the way he wagged his tail at my smallest smile;
by the way he showed he hurt when I left without taking him along
(I think it made him sick with worry because he was not along to care for me).

When I was wrong, he was delighted to forgive.
When I was angry, he clowned to make me smile.
When I was happy, he was joy unbounded.
When I was a fool, he ignored it.
When I succeeded, he bragged.
Without him, I am only another person.
With him, I was all powerful.

He was loyalty itself.
He had taught me the meaning of devotion.
With him, I knew a secret comfort and a private peace.
He had brought me understanding where before I was ignorant.
His head on my knee could heal my human hurts.
His kisses on my tears washed away my bad feelings.
His presence by my side was protection against my fears of dark and unknown things.   

He had promised to wait for me…whenever…wherever…in case I need him.
And I expect I will — as I always have — he was just my dog.


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Max147

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Reply with quote  #134 
😪❤
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Living_with_tragedy

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Reply with quote  #135 

To our wonderful brother Parker who we miss every day.  Life is not the same without you. We are no longer the Musketeers. We have lost our best friend.

We love you brother.

This poem is for you, from us.

Love,

Porter and Leroy

 
P1010256butts-forpoem-small.jpg 

In Memory of a Wonderful Brother

By an Unknown Author

We hold onto our memories
The ones that are so dear
To try to keep you always close
Now you are not here


You were called, it was your time
But it is so true
You have left a legacy
There was no one like you


You were very special
And we want to say
We feel lost in many ways
You are not here today


But we will never forget you
And we know we have been blessed
To have you for our Brother
Because you were the best


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