BronxyBoo
I will tell the story, please be kind. My dog Bronx was diagnosed with cancer in his lymphnodes about 4 months ago. The vets said he has about 1–4 months to live. I administered 3 types of pain killers 3 times a day for the whole 4 months which he seemed happy on. He didnt seem in pain. Last weekend for Thanksgiving he seemed great! He was jumping around and ate lots of turkey on that Sunday. When the Monday came around, he ate some breakfast and that was it. He stopped eating completely. He was still drinking lots of water, so I thought maybe he was just having an off day, which he did here and there.
By Tuesday he had dropped weight and was weak. He would zig zag a little while walking outside to have a pee and would just lay in his bed all day. I tried hand feeding, with no luck, he was still drinking lots of water.
By Wednesday, same thing but even more weak, I had to carry him outside to pee, still drinking. Thursday he was the same, I knew it was his time, I made the devastating call and booked an appointment for the Monday with the vet to see him and possibly euthanize. I thought, I just want to spend the weekend with him.
Friday morning, I came out of the shower to find him laying on the kitchen floor in his own urine. I knew then , that it was time. I called the vet again and changed his appointment to the next day (Saturday). Just one more night with my sweet boy...
We went to bed on Friday, laid him next to me and we both fell asleep. He woke me up at 1am with 2 small whimpers, he was also moving his front legs like he was digging. I rearranged his body, made him more comfortable and tried giving him water, which he denied. His heart was pounding so loud and fast, I then pet him, kissed him and told him I loved him and cried and cried. I knew that in less than 12 hours we would be at the vet and he would be gone. I pet him until I fell asleep.

I woke at 5am, to find him dead beside me. My whole world came crashing down on me. I feel pure guilt for waiting too long. I never expected him to pass that night. I miss him so much. How am I to ever forgive myself?

Since then, I have been suffering with anxiety and depression. I had to see my doctor and am now on medication and have been referred for counseling. It still does not help with the guilt. He deserved so much better than this ending. My selfishness to have just 1 more night with him caused him to die, and I dont know if it was peaceful, all i can do is pray it was.

I hope to see you again soon my boy. I love you and I'm so sorry. ❤
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BorderCollieLover
Bronxy:

So sorry about the loss of your Boy Bronxy. I read your post and didn't see where you did anything selfish or wrong. Your love and devotion to him was so evident by you sleeping on your bathroom floor next to him. That's true love. His sarcoma was progressing rapidly and you should not carry the burden of guilt on your shoulders. You did everything right with the best of intentions. I hope that you will post in this Forum frequently. We are all pet loving people and completely understand your feelings. Let us know how you are doing (when you feel like it). 

Jim
Jim Miller
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BronxyBoo
Hi Jim,

Thank you for your reply and kind words. Bronx actually passed away in bed with me not on the bathroom floor, regardless, it was traumatic and I wish there was some way to know if he passes with no pain.

Thank you
Ashley
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Lu
Hi Ashley,

I read your post as well and also think you may be being a bit hard on yourself. Your sweet doggie passed close to you in your bed which most likely brought him a lot of comfort. You were able to cuddle him and tell him you loved him before he passed. I know it must have been awful to wake up to find he had passed, I am so sorry for that. Please don't beat yourself up. I think it would have been more apparent if he had suffered, it sounds like he passed peacefully in his sleep. I hope for some peace for you during this difficult time. Hugs. 
lea
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BronxyBoo
Thank you Lu,

It's been so tough. I keep trying to tell myself what you have said but guilt keeps taking over. I hope in time I can learn to live with what happened. I lost my best friend, my baby boy 💔
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Lu
You're so welcome. I think that part of what's going on is that this is so recent that you are not yet able to view it from a rational perspective. You are in the very beginning stages of grief (it sucks and I am so sorry) and all we can feel it seems is guilt and blame for ourselves. I lost my precious three weeks ago. It was unexpected and tragic and i wasn't there, I came home to find she had passed. :( It wasn't until week 3 that I was able to view the situation more rationally. I told myself I should have predicted what happened, I should have done this, that and the other. I should have sensed something was wrong and rushed home to save her. It was mental torture. I will say that I am still hurting and I still feel terrible but now I am wondering how she could have possible gotten herself into that predicament that led to her death. It was kind of a freak thing. :( What I'm trying to say most of all, that I think you will feel much better in a few weeks.

I believe you'll be able to see it from a different perspective (more how i explained it from my perspective in my first message to you) It is the grief and crazy mix of emotions that is clouding over your rational thought a bit. Try to zone out a bit, it helps. I binge watched the Masked Singer as a distraction (helped a little) and listened to some Youtube guided meditations for grief. These message boards help a lot too! People here understand. I wrote a letter to my dog and as silly as that sounds I was able to say everything I wanted to say and it made me feel closer to her. The rituals to honor our pets help. I made a photo album, bought her a tiny headstone and some twinkle lights to put in the tree over her final resting place and planted flowers there. Maybe make a collage or a memory box or shadow box. It will hurt to look at photos in the beginning but after a while you will be able to look at them and smile a bit. Hang in there, I promise it will get better with time. I'm so sorry, I know how much this hurts. :(

lea
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Dino_927
Bronxie, you did a compassionate and loving thing. What a wonderful thing to be beside him, he could feel your heart  beating. I have no doubt being next to you was so amazingly comforting to him. I think you and he were  blessed.









 
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BronxyBoo
Wow thank you Lu for your amazing support. You have no idea how much it helps to relate to someone who has recently gone through something similar to me. I pray the Rainbow Bridge does exist and I see my sweet boy again ❤
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BronxyBoo
Thank you for your kind words Dino, every little but helps more than you know .
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Lu
You are very welcome. My heart is still heavy but I'm able to hold it together much better than in the beginning. I really hope we see our pups again also! I'm not super spiritual, but I listened to a ton of Near Death Experience stories on Youtube which has opened my mind about the afterlife and the afterlife of animals. 😉 I specifically searched "NDE animals" and "NDE pets". Bronx is adorable, by the way. LuluRunning.jpg   
lea
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BronxyBoo
Yours is adorable too. I will check the videos out, hopefully will open my mind as well
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Lrogers424
Many of us here wish our beloved companions could have passed quietly by our sides in a place they were most comfortable.  Most of us have to do the unthinkable at a sterile vets office is a room where they were never quite at ease in even in the best of health.   That you were able to give Bronxy a peaceful end by your side is a selfless gift you gave to him; but heartbreaking none the less. The first days, weeks and months after such a devastating loss are the hardest.  It feels like you are just existing in an unreal fog.  We all here have been there and understand the depth of your loss.  I am just about 1 1/2 years out from losing my sweet Daisy and now one year since welcoming a new little love, Luna, into my heart.  Everyone has there own path through it and at their own time.  Just take some comfort in knowing that you did everything you could for your boy.  He knew how loved he was and loved you deeply in return.

Wishing you peace
Lori, Daisy's Mom and now Luna's Mom
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BronxyBoo
Lrogers424, you have no idea what your post meant to me. I cried reading it from beginning to end. I have been putting so much blame, guilt and shame on myself for letting it go too long. I at times even feel I dont deserve to be happy after making my poor boy suffer that night. I realize it is still fresh and I am still grieving hard, and hope in time I will realize the good. I just wish I could have known it was going to happen, then could have given him more pain meds or stayed up to comfort him as he passed. So many things run through my head its driving me to insanity.

Thank you for your kind words ❤
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fortlauderdale1984
I'm really sorry for your loss, I don't think you were selfish at all. In fact you did a great thing and stayed with him until he crossed the rainbow bridge, he got to pass comfortably with you in bed. I want to tell you that you will feel better soon, but that's not always true, it takes time.... sometimes a really long time. BUT that's ok! Take the time you need to grieve, what you're feeling is normal, when I lost my pet two months ago I felt a lot of guilt because I was not home when he died. I still beat myself up for it, Jim here on the forum along with everyone else has been very supportive, please talk about it and reach out to us as much as you want and need. We're all here for you and again take as much time as you need, I think the counseling is a good thing. It doesn't work right away from my own experience with it, it takes some time. You're in my thoughts, and know that we're always here for you.

Stephanie
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