romee1
I lost my sweet Romee 3 wks ago. I cry daily, miss our routine. My beagle was 9 yes old, planning her 10th birthday. She was started on BP med in July. She was urinating in house but not uncommon as dealing with separation anxiety, and med had diuretic. She stopped eating one night acted constipated. I left her next morning, went to work, came home at lunch, she vomited several times. I took her vet, liver was inflammed, I left her there, called Saturday, she had eaten and resting. She passed that night. I wasn't there for her at the vets. I left her on a Friday, called twice on Saturday, didn't visit her, they didn't say she was declining. My guilt is now, reflecting on urinating and saying to her daily, no reason to be anxious dealing with separation. They said she had ascites in her abdomen but she always looked like a sausage roll. I brought up her huge we gain in July, when she started BP meds. I'm at point feeling I let her down thinking her liver was growing for longer than a day. That 4 months were signs I passed off on BP meds, she ate active, I don't know how to get through letting her down and not seeing her on Saturday, like I left her there all alone at the Vets. Can acute liver failure happen that quick. One day healthy, come home to not eat and strain for bowel movements, I really thought constipation and colitis flare up. I went to work, come home to hopefully diarrhea but worse orange urine that quick. But guilt if I let her down for months missing symptoms of frequent urination, that was only symptom til the day she acted constipated. I feel let her down should've been better mom. She had no tumors, just acute liver failure, had I taken her in on Thursday night vs Friday if it would've regenerated. I failed her in the end to be with her, shevpassed in middle of night at the vets no one with her.
Shawna McCoy
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Lavendar
healing vibes
that is truly heartbreaking, but she is at peace now.  Yes, animals hide their illnesses all too well. By now you've probably read many similar all too quick stories. Try to hold a spot for all memories during your grieving, your love and compassion were far more prevalent in her life than any fault you may feel.  

I bred a litter of kittens and kept two, my only goal was to do right by them.  For 12 years I was proud of the life I provided for them, very spoilt.   Then one got sick and the next 3+ years were excruciating for both of us.  And her brother's end was not 'ideal' either.   I may not feel I did right by them in the end, but I try not to let it darken all the memories.

Don't do too much, be kind to yourself.
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tuppyanne
Hun, it's so easy to look back and think things should be different. My story, beautiful collie of 8 years went over park, was fineed early morning. By late morning loose stool, then looked like bloody water...vets at 2pm, by 5pm was gone. My guilt...could I have rushed down the vets earlier that day? I left her and she died at the vets, I hadn't even said goodbye. There's no easy way to deal with guilt...just hugs and you have to believe had you realised any changes earlier that couldn't be explained you would no doubt have acted earlier xxx
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Scottmisseslittleboy
In a week in a half it'll be 3 months that I said farewell, not in words, to Little Boy.
He had an inherited genetic kidney disorder that gradually made his kidneys deteriorate.
His original diagnosis was in March, as simply chronic kidney failure. Only to find out in August it was this genetic thing. The day in September when his kidneys couldn't do what they do, (at all) I took him into the vet for full body diagnosis.
His pancreas was inflammed and he could barely breathe at all. Kidneys were almost completely gone and it was beyond fixing or anything else. This turn was rapid. And that was the last day.
I lived keeping Little Boy alive and as healthy as I could. I think.

I gave him subcutaneous fluids without complaint other than worrying that it was the best thing to do. So I tried enough, I think.

I studied the net often, learned to read labs
got info from NIH and PUBMED tried to parallel human research with feline issues an found all I could, I think.
I have elderly parents one on oxygen, her husband fighting cancer and I tried to spread my attention trying to save Little Boy/ helping with them equally, I think.
And here I am looking at a box of Little Boy's ashes and I loved him with all of my heart and being. The tears flowing down my cheeks as I write this. Maybe he knew how much I loved him, maybe I hope, and I think.
Almost every day I have wondered things about long lists of what ifs.
If I can offer to you some comfort then I will tell you this and maybe it will help.
I didn't care how much it would have cost to save little boy. I wouldn't have ever even went in to the vet unless it was the best option to save him. Not even once or one day. And that last day was no exception. But I was there when Little Boy passed on, I was holding him.
He was in terrible shape and when he was brought to me he was off of the oxygen that was keeping him barely living. I would like to think he was glad I was there, that he was aware. Yet he was so ill.
I say this in spite of the agony it makes me feel in remembering hoping you will have comfort knowing that though you weren't there that last minute/second- you WERE there so many times when it really mattered. And you wouldnt have subjected your loved furr baby to an unfamiliar environment unless it was the best and only option. It's what love is when we do for those we love in spite of our feelings of our own needs emotionally.
If I had found a surgeon qualified to operate and transplant a healthy kidney into Little Boy I would have done it. I would have sold one of my healthy kidneys so that Little Boy could live. The sadness inside me because of his absence is evidence to that fact. But, I simply couldn't find anyone within thousands of miles and his kidneys were simply deteriorating too quickly.

But retrospection is not as clear as it seems because it is an imperfect lense. It is illusory because of the "what if" defect.

You did your best. Period. Your fur baby knows and knew. I know it's hard because I struggle with the same feelings.Remember that the "what iffing" ia a vile trap to wit no good comes. When you start to think "what if I would have" shut it off.

And the truth is it sucks. It flat out bites the big one because no "two or four legged" should be forced unto death until we (they)are ready. I hate death because of that.
Yet here we are.

I wish you deep peace in your heart and soul. Somewhere on a parallel frequency we still pet, play and love on our furry companions no longer visible with our earthly eyes but still very much alive in our souls- where no agony can exist.

Peace to you,
Scott
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romee1
Thank you everyone for all the support. Yes, it's the guilt thats eating me up inside. Missing signals like my other pup sniffing her ear a lot more lately than in the past. Feeling like she waa a bother for urinating on floor, which my other dog did constantly separaion anxiety. Then Romee started peeing more in July after starting Blood Pressure meds with a diuretic in it. anxiety kicked in. Just so many signs that my issue is failing her in the end when she needed me the most. All was great in July at Vets. I don't know enough about acute liver failure can't find if it can come on in a day or 2. But list symptoms she protrayed. I remember saying to her and Bell. " Can't I come home to one day of no pee," if it wasn't one it was the other. That was a week before she passed. They usually peed 15-20 minutes of us leaving for work other days go weeks without peeing. We work long hours so with the water pill, I knew Romee couldn't always hold it and I was ok with that. She had her training pads. I feel she thought she was a bother. All I do is cry. I still haven't gotten Christmas up. Don't want to get her stocking out yet. I cry going to buy just one dog tag, bone or Whits treat. I know we're all going through a hard time on this forum. My heart aches for us all. I've researched support groups in Ohio but so far from me. I just wish I could've thought earlier and not think simple. I do feel I killed her and let her down during her worst. I know she was loved all 9 years but just shock of 1 month already and a grieving dog still at home breaks my heart too.
Shawna McCoy
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ScoutsDad

Scottmisseslittleboy wrote:
In a week in a half it'll be 3 months that I said farewell, not in words, to Little Boy. He had an inherited genetic kidney disorder that gradually made his kidneys deteriorate. His original diagnosis was in March, as simply chronic kidney failure. Only to find out in August it was this genetic thing. The day in September when his kidneys couldn't do what they do, (at all) I took him into the vet for full body diagnosis. His pancreas was inflammed and he could barely breathe at all. Kidneys were almost completely gone and it was beyond fixing or anything else. This turn was rapid. And that was the last day. I lived keeping Little Boy alive and as healthy as I could. I think. I gave him subcutaneous fluids without complaint other than worrying that it was the best thing to do. So I tried enough, I think. I studied the net often, learned to read labs got info from NIH and PUBMED tried to parallel human research with feline issues an found all I could, I think. I have elderly parents one on oxygen, her husband fighting cancer and I tried to spread my attention trying to save Little Boy/ helping with them equally, I think. And here I am looking at a box of Little Boy's ashes and I loved him with all of my heart and being. The tears flowing down my cheeks as I write this. Maybe he knew how much I loved him, maybe I hope, and I think. Almost every day I have wondered things about long lists of what ifs. If I can offer to you some comfort then I will tell you this and maybe it will help. I didn't care how much it would have cost to save little boy. I wouldn't have ever even went in to the vet unless it was the best option to save him. Not even once or one day. And that last day was no exception. But I was there when Little Boy passed on, I was holding him. He was in terrible shape and when he was brought to me he was off of the oxygen that was keeping him barely living. I would like to think he was glad I was there, that he was aware. Yet he was so ill. I say this in spite of the agony it makes me feel in remembering hoping you will have comfort knowing that though you weren't there that last minute/second- you WERE there so many times when it really mattered. And you wouldnt have subjected your loved furr baby to an unfamiliar environment unless it was the best and only option. It's what love is when we do for those we love in spite of our feelings of our own needs emotionally. If I had found a surgeon qualified to operate and transplant a healthy kidney into Little Boy I would have done it. I would have sold one of my healthy kidneys so that Little Boy could live. The sadness inside me because of his absence is evidence to that fact. But, I simply couldn't find anyone within thousands of miles and his kidneys were simply deteriorating too quickly. But retrospection is not as clear as it seems because it is an imperfect lense. It is illusory because of the "what if" defect. You did your best. Period. Your fur baby knows and knew. I know it's hard because I struggle with the same feelings.Remember that the "what iffing" ia a vile trap to wit no good comes. When you start to think "what if I would have" shut it off. And the truth is it sucks. It flat out bites the big one because no "two or four legged" should be forced unto death until we (they)are ready. I hate death because of that. Yet here we are. I wish you deep peace in your heart and soul. Somewhere on a parallel frequency we still pet, play and love on our furry companions no longer visible with our earthly eyes but still very much alive in our souls- where no agony can exist. Peace to you, Scott
It was three weeks ago today that I lost Scout to kidney disease and related congestive heart failure.  I, too, discovered too late what was happening. At first, she responded well to the treatment, but then the fluids sent her mild heart murmur into failure.  You can't treat one without negatively affecting the other.  She lasted a week, but in the end, things were just shutting down.

I went through the guilt issue.  No one knows why she had kidney failure, but it could well have been genetic.  Everyone I talk to, including the vets and veteran cat owners, tells me there's no way of easily predicting, and that kidney issues are quite common.  Scout was at least 12-13, but she could have been older, and we're guessing she was around 15, but I wish she at least made it to 16 or 17.

I went through a lot of guilt about not catching it sooner, but found that when I talked to enough people and explored enough possibility, there really wasn't much I could have done.  And even if I'd done that, it likely wouldn't have increased Scout's lifespan or quality of life signficantly.  In fact, it might have reduced both.  So, for me, the process was to continue to learn and to ask questions.

I will say that it didn't help to read so many testimonials from people stating their cats lived into their 20s.  That's actually pretty rare according to the vets, but you wouldn't believe so based on how many people claim it on the Web.  Be careful of that.  It creates unrealistic expectations that the outliers are the norm.  It's like looking at a Facebook page that's only the good things and thinking someone else's life is better.

I miss Scout every single day, and mostly at night.  But I'm beginning to remember the good things, too, and that she had a loving and happy life.  In the end, that is what's important.  As a stray, she lived much longer than she would have on the streets, and she knew she was loved.  We have to remember what we did that was benevolent. 

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loveourdaisy
The guilt is so common but something your fur babies don't want you to spend a millisecond 
thinking about. 
They want all of their Moms and Dads to know their fur suits weren't working anymore and now
they are back to their sparkle spirits are and able to be with them all the time and forever !
They are so thankful that your intentions were to protect them and try to save them from 
any pain or hurt that you possibly could. 
They loved the lives you provided for them and want you to know they will be guiding you 
all in your new lives together.
Only the unseen is eternal and energy can never be destroyed . . . LOVE never dies !
Check out the work of Brent Atwater when you can.
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loveourdaisy
Begin the forever journey as soon as you can . . . 
I spent too long wrapped up in paralyzing grief.
I am happy to have started my forever journey with Daisy about four months ago !
brentatwater.com

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romee1
Thank you Loveourdaisy. I'll look at his work
Shawna McCoy
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