Froggy79
I lost my beloved Brussels Griffon dog (Hudson) a little over a year ago. He had terminal Cushings Disease and developed a brain tumor. He was in my life for 7 years and not only was he the first dog I ever owned, he was by my side during major milestones in my life: getting my first place, getting married, battling infertility, beating infertility and having our first miracle baby. He was a rescue dog and I loved him so so so much. I have countless memories that sneak up and hit me out of nowhere. Some bring smiles and laughter but most cause horrible crying and depression.

His last year was not easy and I still carry a lot of grief about his last few months and passing. The tumor caused him to have horrific seizures where he would literally bang his head against the wall sometimes multiple times a day. Our vet told us there was nothing that could be done due to his age and how severe the disease was, so she put him on anti seizure meds and told us to make him as comfortable as possible and try to enjoy whatever time we had left. I had to watch him slowly deteriorate from a happy healthy boy to a sick terminally ill dog over several months and it was HEARTBREAKING. One day he went into a seizure that he could not come out of and our vet advised that we put him down. Our vet told us she had never seen a dog fight so hard to stay awake after she gave him the first injection to calm him down. The whole thing was devastating.

I knew it would take some time, but it is now over a year later and I am not coping well. I am able to work and eat and go about my day, and if you didn't know me you would think I was a happy as the next person. But I'm not doing well. I miss him so much. Memories hit me out of nowhere and I'm reduced to crying the whole afternoon. I've become obsessed with watching movies like Marley and Me, A Dogs Purpose, Where the Red Fern Grows. I had always wanted to take him to the beach and we ran out of time, so this year when we took a weekend away at the beach, I brought his ashes with us. I have dreams about him where he runs up to me and I get to hold and pet him again. I know how stupid all this sounds. If it wasn't me going through it I would think it was crazy too. I had a friend of mine paint a portrait of Hudson that I hung on our wall. His ashes are sitting In a memorial box on top of our fireplace. I'm driving my husband absolutely insane.

I know people say to move on and it's just a dog. Everyone has told me I just need to adopt another dog and then I will feel better. We have adopted FOUR dogs in the last year (that were all returned) to help me get past this loss. The house is way too quiet without Hudson and I deeply miss having him by my side each day. We have returned all four dogs because I just couldn't bond with them. I know exactly how horrible this makes me. I never thought I would be the person who adopts a dog and then returns them. Just after having them a few days I find them annoying me or I will find a reason to send them back (ie I think they may be sick because they are vomiting, they aren't house trained, they have behavior issues with our young daughter). I know this makes me a horrible person and I truly don't know why I am doing this. I'm not here to get judged. I realize I need help and am reaching out for it. I think maybe subconsciously I am trying to bring Hudson back and when the new dog isn't like him I reject the dog? I truly don't know.
My husband had never bonded with Hudson and does not understand my grief. He isn't mean to me but I can tell it is starting to irritate him and he doesn't get it.

How do people get through this? This is one of the hardest things I have ever gone through and I miss him so much. I just want him back. I've considered contacting a counselor but I just thought I would be better by now. It's devastating and I would give absolutely ANYTHING for one more day with him. I work from home so that doesn't help either. I'm surrounded 24/7 by constant memories of him, including the spot where he laid down and spent his last few moments in a seizure in our home. Am I going crazy? I never thought I would be that person who can't get over the death of their pet. Help!
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dachsiemom
Dear Froggy79-   You have very movingly described 4 extremely stressful situations: infertility trouble, the birth of a child, caring for a terminally ill, much loved pet, and the death of the beloved pet.  Of course you feel as if you are going crazy; this is a lot to deal with.  You may want to consult a professional counselor, and I hope this forum can also help you as it has me.  We can relate to what you are going through; we can reassure you that you are not crazy and that you can get through it.  My 15 year old dachshund died in March.  Brandon had Cushings disease, plus hyperparathyroidism.  By his last year he was almost completely deaf, had numerous benign lumps and bumps, and had been having epileptic seizures since the age of 2.  It was heartbreaking to see my once beautiful healthy dog ravaged by old age and sickness, but I loved him so much that I was glad to take good care of him.  It sounds as if you felt the same way about your Hudson.  
Eventually you will adopt another dog, but now is probably not the right time.  Well meaning friends who think you should move on because it was only a dog have obviously never been that bonded with a pet and have no idea what you are going through.  The relationship with a dog can be closer than any other relationship, partly because of the amount of time spent together.  Our pets become extensions of ourselves.  We talk to them, sing to them and cuddle them all day.  We feel comfortable pouring out all our hopes and dreams, love and devotion.  When we walk into the house only our dogs jump for joy.   
Shortly after Brandon died I went to a long planned family reunion where I had the chance to see my 3 children and 5 young grandchildren.  They all live far away from me so it always a thrill to see them, and we were at a beach resort, which should have been super fun.  Unfortunately, I was in deep mourning and most of the time I just wanted to sit in my hotel room and cry.  Is it normal for a woman not to enjoy her delightful young grandchildren because her dachshund has died?  I don't know how normal it is, but it is probably more common that we realize.  The death of a cherished pet is a profound loss, and yet we are expected to cry for a day or two and then get over it.  I have lost pets before and it takes me several months to recover.  For weeks after Brandon died I would wake up in the middle of every night with the feeling that I could not breathe.  At first I thought maybe I had a health problem but finally realized that I was having anxiety attacks from the stress of Brandon's death.  As you know, everything is harder to cope with if you are not getting enough sleep.  I suspect this is also a problem for you, especially with a baby to care for.  How old is your baby now?
I hope you will continue to post to this forum and let us know how you are doing, even if you are having a bad day.  And I do hope we can help.  -Dachsiemom   
Moira - remembering Brandon
"Better lo'ed ye canna be. Will ye no' come back again?"
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Lapavoni
Froggy79, you are NOT crazy, you are NOT hopeless, and you are certainly NOT alone. Those of us who give as much as we possibly can to provide a wonderful life for our dogs and agonize over saying goodbye are people who truly appreciate the bond between dog and human.

You took a nearly hopeless situation that many people would have given up on and gave it your all. You comforted Hudson when he was in need, you provided as much treatment as was available and you gave him as long a quality life as you possibly could have. He was your rock and source of strength, but know that YOU were his as well.

I had to make the excruciatingly painful decision to have my dog (Hershey) euthanized while I was on vacation, 6,000 miles away. I would have given anything to be with him, as that was my promise to myself (and him). I couldn't keep that promise and cry whenever I think about it (I'm crying doubly now, for you and me). This was over a year ago.

There is no "recovery manual." There are no set timelines for grief. For some, grief takes months, for others years. Sadness is normal. Crying is normal. Loneliness is normal. It sounds like you are functioning in life, albeit with an internal broken heart. You will always remember Hudson. There is no such thing as "just a dog" for us. And there is no such thing as a "replacement dog." When (and if) you are ever ready, maybe another dog will find YOU, as Hudson found YOU.

Every day, try to think of one tiny thing of joy that you remember about Hudson - something funny he did, something playful, something pleasant. Memories are what sustain us.

Take care.
-Stephen
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Sil
Froggy79,

I am truly sorry about your loss of Hudson.  I agree with Dachsiemom and Lapavoni, You are in mourning, and grief does not have a time limit just as love does not have an expiration date.  You are not crazy, your feelings are legit - you lost a truly beautiful creature that gave you so much love and offered his companionship all the days of his life. 

My heart breaks and I am just reading your journey - what a beautiful and precious fur baby.  I know that feeling of unending pain, of loneliness and despair.  I lost a very special male doggie, his name was Sol (means Sun) - and on July 17, 2018, it will be a year.....without my fur baby.  And just like you, I showed up for work every day, and did everything that was required. 

I will always mourn Sol, because he was an essential part of my life.  But, the pain is less sharp and I have "adapted" to the pain. 

How do you move on? 
grief is very complicated concept - It cannot be touched, is in your heart, your brain your feelings - so, it cannot be put away
Every one deals with grief differently
Every one offers advice in how to deal with it

But, you know yourself better than anyone, if you feel the need to seek professional help, please do it.  If you want to keep writing about Hudson, continue writing, we are here to listen.  We all understand your pain because we are also mourning the loss of a beloved pet.  Hugs




 
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Shark88
Froggy79 wrote:
I lost my beloved Brussels Griffon dog (Hudson) a little over a year ago. He had terminal Cushings Disease and developed a brain tumor. He was in my life for 7 years and not only was he the first dog I ever owned, he was by my side during major milestones in my life: getting my first place, getting married, battling infertility, beating infertility and having our first miracle baby. He was a rescue dog and I loved him so so so much. I have countless memories that sneak up and hit me out of nowhere. Some bring smiles and laughter but most cause horrible crying and depression.

His last year was not easy and I still carry a lot of grief about his last few months and passing. The tumor caused him to have horrific seizures where he would literally bang his head against the wall sometimes multiple times a day. Our vet told us there was nothing that could be done due to his age and how severe the disease was, so she put him on anti seizure meds and told us to make him as comfortable as possible and try to enjoy whatever time we had left. I had to watch him slowly deteriorate from a happy healthy boy to a sick terminally ill dog over several months and it was HEARTBREAKING. One day he went into a seizure that he could not come out of and our vet advised that we put him down. Our vet told us she had never seen a dog fight so hard to stay awake after she gave him the first injection to calm him down. The whole thing was devastating.

I knew it would take some time, but it is now over a year later and I am not coping well. I am able to work and eat and go about my day, and if you didn't know me you would think I was a happy as the next person. But I'm not doing well. I miss him so much. Memories hit me out of nowhere and I'm reduced to crying the whole afternoon. I've become obsessed with watching movies like Marley and Me, A Dogs Purpose, Where the Red Fern Grows. I had always wanted to take him to the beach and we ran out of time, so this year when we took a weekend away at the beach, I brought his ashes with us. I have dreams about him where he runs up to me and I get to hold and pet him again. I know how stupid all this sounds. If it wasn't me going through it I would think it was crazy too. I had a friend of mine paint a portrait of Hudson that I hung on our wall. His ashes are sitting In a memorial box on top of our fireplace. I'm driving my husband absolutely insane.

I know people say to move on and it's just a dog. Everyone has told me I just need to adopt another dog and then I will feel better. We have adopted FOUR dogs in the last year (that were all returned) to help me get past this loss. The house is way too quiet without Hudson and I deeply miss having him by my side each day. We have returned all four dogs because I just couldn't bond with them. I know exactly how horrible this makes me. I never thought I would be the person who adopts a dog and then returns them. Just after having them a few days I find them annoying me or I will find a reason to send them back (ie I think they may be sick because they are vomiting, they aren't house trained, they have behavior issues with our young daughter). I know this makes me a horrible person and I truly don't know why I am doing this. I'm not here to get judged. I realize I need help and am reaching out for it. I think maybe subconsciously I am trying to bring Hudson back and when the new dog isn't like him I reject the dog? I truly don't know.
My husband had never bonded with Hudson and does not understand my grief. He isn't mean to me but I can tell it is starting to irritate him and he doesn't get it.

How do people get through this? This is one of the hardest things I have ever gone through and I miss him so much. I just want him back. I've considered contacting a counselor but I just thought I would be better by now. It's devastating and I would give absolutely ANYTHING for one more day with him. I work from home so that doesn't help either. I'm surrounded 24/7 by constant memories of him, including the spot where he laid down and spent his last few moments in a seizure in our home. Am I going crazy? I never thought I would be that person who can't get over the death of their pet. Help!

  
There are no words to ease the deep sorrow and pain that goes along with losing your very best friend in life.   You will think about your Hudson for a long, long time and the best thing to consider is what it says in God's Word that The Almighty does care for animals and birds.  Noah's Ark is just one of many examples.    God created the animals and no doubt He has also created a place for them on the other side of this life.    May that truth be a comfort to you as you continue to grieve the loss of your best friend Hudson.   Hang in there.


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