I am new to these sort of things.
I work in the animal rescue world so i deal with a lot of sad things everyday. I am in charge of medical at my job so i deal with euthanasia on a daily basis. I am not proud to say that i am used to dealing with death.  I also have rescued a lot of animals so my house is full of fur-kids. 
That being said, yesterday i lost 2 of my personal fur-kids and i am feeling so guilty and i am not sure how to live with what has happened. I have had 2 of my dogs since they were 8 weeks old.  Theyr'e names are nahla and sarabi. They both turn 9 years old this year. They both grew up around cats. They loved  each other dearly. They were inseparable.  A couple of years ago sarabi attacked and killed one of my cats. I didnt know what to do. I kept her because i loved her so much and she was usually fine with the cats. Another incident like that did not happen again, until yesterday. I went to the store early in the morning. I did everything i usually do. I let the dogs out and put them in their crates. I have ocd so i check their crates and the house a couple times before i leave. Yesterday was no different, i checked their crates and left. Nothing seemed off. When i got home i found my youngest cat (her name was LG for little girl) deceased in sarabi's crate. She must have went in there while i was letting the dogs out. She loved the dogs so much.  She was also solid black so it was very hard to see her in the back of the crate. I feel so guilty for her death because it was my fault. She was so young and had so much life left. I made the decision to euthanize my dog last night because of what happened. This was her second time doing this and i feared it would happen again. Over the last few years she seemed to be getting more and more grumpy. Even with her sister. She would play rough while they were outside and she occasionally growled at the cats when they got too close. I love her so much so this decision was not easy. I have not stopped crying since yesterday morning. I was blind to the signs over the years and i chose to protect the rest of my kids by letting her go. A friend of mine came to my house and did it for me. I let her sister be with her the whole time. When sarabi took her last breath i felt my heart breaking. I turned to find nahla in my bed watching over us and i could feel her heart breaking as well. I cant help but to wonder if i made the right decision. I blame myself so much for what happened to the both of them. I feel so angry and helpless. 

Will nahla ever forgive me for taking away her best friend?
Will i ever forgive myself for letting this happen again and then ultimately making a decision that broke my heart?
I got both of these girls when i was 18, so we all grew up together. 
How do i live with this guilt and forgive myself?
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Oh, my heart is breaking for you, reading this. It's completely understandable that you're feeling so awful. But please, please don't blame yourself. What happened wasn't your fault. When that first incident happened with Sarabi, you responded with love, and did what seemed best at the time. There was no way to know for sure if it would happen again. I understand the guilt you feel, having made the decision to euthanize her after it happened again. You were in a no-win situation each time, and already grieving the sudden loss of a cat each time. Cuddle with Nahla, give her extra love, let her love you. She will forgive you, I promise. And even if it feels like you can't do it right now, please do forgive yourself. Sometimes things happen that we can't foresee or control, and they force us to make decisions that are gut-wrenching but necessary. Be good to yourself. Sending you hugs...

Cindy (Buddy's mama)
Cindy (Buddy’s mama)
My baby Buddy 5/4/10-3/7/20, rescued March 2011
My sweet Mandy 11/27/91-11/2/10, rescued November 1992
My beautiful Barney 4/28/73-9/7/92, adopted May 1973
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I am so sorry you had to make the decision but it sounds to me like it was the right one. I can see you not doing it the first time because you thought that it was a one time thing but when it happened again I don't think you had a choice. If she would have been the only pet maybe you could have accommodated  her when she started having issues like that but not when the safety of others are involved.  Forgive and be kind to yourself.
Julie 💔
"Grief only exists where love lived first."
--Franchesca Cox
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