RubysMom93
This past Saturday I made the decision to put my baby girl of 11 years to sleep. She was diagnosed with bone cancer in mid March and I felt like I was basically given a death sentence at that time. Ruby was a staffordshire terrior who’s been suffering with pretty severe arthritis in her back legs for some time but she seemed to get along pretty well before she began limping on her front paw too. This is what turned out to be cancer. With the circumstances as they were amputation was not an option. I was told by the vet who’s also my uncle that I could either choose to do radiation or go the homeopathic route mixed with some traditional medicine too. He did not suggest doing radiation for a cancer as aggressive as this one is. I researched online like crazy and chose to follow these very intense homeopathic regimens that turned out to be miracles for some others. I then decided to visit an oncologist as well who felt that palliative radiation would be a good option to buy a little time and alleviate some pain. My poor girl was always extremely anxious and scared of the vets office and any procedures she’d gone through in the past. At that time I decided I didn’t want to put her through being terrified for what seemed like would just be a short extension of her life.
The other week as I saw it getting harder and harder for her to move around I decided maybe the radiation wouldn’t be a bad idea. I made an appointment to go see a doctor who’d administer radiation without a biopsy which was another big fear of mine. Before going I went to my uncles office to get an x ray of Ruby’s leg to make sure there wasn’t a fracture and of her chest to make sure the cancer hadn’t metastasized. There was no fracture but there were about 5 or 6 modules in her lungs now. For that reason I cancelled our radiation appt the next day. I decided just to spoil the crap out of her from that point on, to stop being as strict about what she ate and cut down on the insane amount of supplements she was getting. I knew there wasn’t much time left and I just wanted her to be happy. My uncle/ vet insisted at our appt that she was in pain and that I was keeping her around for myself. I didn’t agree. The pain management I was using seemed to keep her in okay shape as long as she didn’t do much walking around. I was literally carrying my 70 lb dog up and down the stairs and taking her everywhere I went. I was scared to leave her alone thinking she might fracture her leg so I pretty much stopped going out and reallly cut down on appointments for work. I promised myself that the moment I saw her in actual pain I’d put our journey to an end which brings me back to this past weekend.
On Friday night Ruby started crying. I gave her more pain medication then usual and it stopped for a short while but then she started again. This went on and off throughout the night. I was panicking about what to do and how to help her. I made a decision that I would put her to sleep the next day if things were still the same. The next morning she was still very ill, just lying around in pain. When I tried to move her to bring her out to the bathroom she cried. I gave her more pain meds which seemed to help a little. I tried to give her steak, she spit it out. I called my uncle to see if he was around to put her to sleep that day and he told me he’d be around a little later in the day. We had some visitors come which seemed to make her happy. She didn’t get up eight away but she payed there wagging her tail. Shortly after that she sat up and had some treats and a tiny bit of steak then layed back down.
The time came that we brought her to the vet. Half way there she started to get very anxious. I think she knew where we were going. When we got there she was very nervous like she always was at the vet. I decided to do the sedation by injection rather than IV thinking I wanted to just spend a few moments loving her. When she got the injection she cried and stood up suddenly on all four legs like she wanted to run out of there and I strongly believe she would have. The medicine quickly started to set in and she sat down, then later down. Something felt very wrong to me about this and the thought crossed my mind that maybe I should take her home. I picked her up and took her outside because I didn’t want her last moments to be her feeling terrified in the vets office. My boyfriend was with me and he said that she looked relieved as soon as we walked out of there. We passed my car and I thought maybe I should bring her in there and put the car on but I continued to the grass and laid her down. Then my uncle came out with a second dose of the sedation since the 1at dose seemed to be taking too long to kick in. We sat on the grass and I really don’t know at what point she lost consciousness but the whole thing just felt surreal and wrong. We brought her back in and he said are u ready for this (the lethal injection) and I said yes while I was thinking no. I don’t know why I continued to go along with this whole thing. It was almost as if I had cut off my emotions even though I was hysterically crying the whole time.
I feel so much regret and guilt for so many things.
1. Not getting the radiation and possibly having her a little longer and having her feel a little better
2.not leaving when she jumped up after that first injection
3. Not waiting a little longer to see if the pain got better
4. Not researching other ways to euthanize your pet, at home for example. I didn’t even know that existed.
5. Not taking her in the car so she’d know she was going home instead of laying her on the grass when we went out.
>I researched so much! I was on the internet constantly, day in and day out trying to figure out ways to extend her life, supplements to take, when the time is right to say goodbye, signs your pet is in pain, etc. I never once thought about how terrified she might be at the end taking her into the vets office. I feel like I mentally tortured my baby at the end and I just don’t know how to move on from this. If anyone has had a similar situation or any insight, please help me. I am losing my mind replaying everything over and over. I feel like she gave me so much love and that she trusted me more than anyone in the world. I wonder if she felt that he one she trusted stabbed her in the back at the end.
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Ginger4256
RubysMom,
I am so so sorry for the pain that you are feeling.  I know how you feel.  We all do here.  Guilt is the first thing we feel and the last thing to go.  I still feel guilty about the way my Boo left this earth.  Our stories are very similar.  I will never stop wishing that I had held Boo in my house and not taken him to the vet, having him die in my car on the way.  
The things that have helped me are, first this forum, knowing you are not alone, and, second, trying to remember that our babies loved us more than anything in the world.  We were all that they had and no matter what we did, they loved us.  They knew that we would not hurt them.   We were with them when they died.  That's all they ever really wanted  - to be with us.   My Boo was also 11 and I know how empty you feel now having lost your companion.  It's been 3 weeks and 6 days since I saw my Boo.  I will never stop missing him.
I hope you find peace. 
Boo' s mommy
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Purzel
Ruby's Mom,

I am very sorry for the loss of your sweet Ruby (such a lovely and loving picture). Like Giner already wrote before, guilt seems to be the first thing after. I also did question my decision over and over. In truth you did everything you possibly could for your Ruby and it was not you who took her life but it was the bone cancer - you just selflessly freed her of more pain and suffering. From what you wrote there I seriously doupt that things would have gotten any better again. You could not know that Ruby would be so anxious but I think you mastered everything very well with the help of your boyfriend and the vet who is you uncle and not a stranger to Ruby. In all your pain and grief there are also the very joyful years you were so blessed to have her. 

It is good you came here, we all understand and are going through the same pain.

My heart goes out to you
Silvia (with Max forever in my heart)

[hundi]


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jimmy17
Hi RubysMom,  first of all I am so very sorry for your loss.  Staffy`s are wonderful dogs - very gentle, loyal and loving, and I know just how heartbroken you are right now.   We made the decision to have our little dog put to sleep almost 2 and a half years ago, and it was the hardest thing I`ve ever had to go through - the guilt is just unbelievable, even though deep down you know it was the kindest and only thing to do.   You did everything possible to help Ruby - and it is just horrible seeing our babies in pain - but letting them go really is the last gift of love we can give them...   That is when all the "what ifs" start though, and I know I would go through every possible scenario with my dog - only to come to the same conclusion that trying to prolong his life any more was only for my benefit...      Please know that the way you feel is normal - the feeling of letting them down is one we probably all feel here - but you will be able to get to a more peaceful place when you will see that every decision you made was in Ruby`s very best  interests.   Ruby would have known you were with her at the end, and that would have brought her great comfort - but for now you are grieving the loss of your sweet girl.  The first few weeks are so hard - I think I was in a state of disbelief for the first week or two before it really sank in - but coming here to this forum and knowing I was not alone in the way I was feeling helped me so much, just as I hope it helps you. 
 Once again, I am so sorry...

                                                                                    Hugs,   Jackie.
J Taylor
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RubysMom93
jimmy17 wrote:
Hi RubysMom,  first of all I am so very sorry for your loss.  Staffy`s are wonderful dogs - very gentle, loyal and loving, and I know just how heartbroken you are right now.   We made the decision to have our little dog put to sleep almost 2 and a half years ago, and it was the hardest thing I`ve ever had to go through - the guilt is just unbelievable, even though deep down you know it was the kindest and only thing to do.   You did everything possible to help Ruby - and it is just horrible seeing our babies in pain - but letting them go really is the last gift of love we can give them...   That is when all the "what ifs" start though, and I know I would go through every possible scenario with my dog - only to come to the same conclusion that trying to prolong his life any more was only for my benefit...      Please know that the way you feel is normal - the feeling of letting them down is one we probably all feel here - but you will be able to get to a more peaceful place when you will see that every decision you made was in Ruby`s very best  interests.   Ruby would have known you were with her at the end, and that would have brought her great comfort - but for now you are grieving the loss of your sweet girl.  The first few weeks are so hard - I think I was in a state of disbelief for the first week or two before it really sank in - but coming here to this forum and knowing I was not alone in the way I was feeling helped me so much, just as I hope it helps you. 
 Once again, I am so sorry...

                                                                                    Hugs,   Jackie.
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RubysMom93
Thank you for your kind words. So sorry for all of our losses. I hope we all find peace.
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xxcesarxx
My dog suffered terrible refractory epilepsy( medicine did not work) seizures kept getting worse, He was getting worse, several dogs dye from this because vets are not able to stop the seizures. I puy him down before it happened. He was otherwise healthy. I feel terrible regret but I saved him from suffering. I know hes waiting for me at rainbow bridge. Your baby is waiting too. Stay strong.
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sallyg
I have been feeling the same way about my chihuahua Zu Zu who I had to have put to sleep 2 weeks ago tomorrow.  He had CHF.  I did the same as you. I spent hours on the internet researching and spending hundreds of pounds on supplements.  Reading how to extend his life. It didn't work. I guess it was his time his little body was saying he had had enough. I now sit questioning myself about if there was anything else i could of done. What if another vet had thought different.  It's heartbreaking. But at the same time I am trying to focus on the positive things I did do and how much I helped extend his life whilst he was here.  How much I loved him and how happy he was. In this situation a lot of us have to make fast decisions when are hearts are breaking. What you have to remember is we did the right thing. No matter how much it hurts us.  Love and hugs to everyone xxxxxx
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RubysMom93
Thank you so much and sorry for your loss as well.
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Julienina
I’m so glad you said that because I felt like it was a betrayal sending stranger in room to put her down, I couldn’t go in. I hate the ending. I’ve talked to people who’ve let their pet die naturally and it’s equally traumatic something because the stumble and fall, have muscle spasms, and seizures, and labored breathing. The worst is when they can’t breathe, they get very scared by that. Either way it’s bad.
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Angelbunny
So sorry for your loss!  It's so, so, so hard.  I had to put my two kitties down within a month of each other at 18 1/2...I felt the same guilt....What if i had brought them home, I could make her eat, etc....The weeks after were so bad.  I cried A LOT!!  I'm sure most thought I was crazy.   Time does heal, though.  And, you did the right thing.  I think  your Ruby was in pain and you helped her out!   Hugs to you!  Take the time you need to grieve!

julie a smith

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Mistysmama
Dear Ruby's Mom,

Blessings to your dear sweet Soul Ruby. She is out of pain now and only knows freedom and Love. Please believe me because my own dog Misty showed me that is so.

You tried your very best for Ruby. It isn't easy, at the very end, I do know, having experienced some things myself with my Misty girl who passed from hemangiosarcoma of the spleen which had spread all over.
I chose to haul my sweet Misty to the vet's at about 6am that last morning when I always promised her her last moments would happen in her own bed here at home. I took her to the vet because he said a splenectomy might save her. Then when he consulted her records he saw the extent of bleeding tumours all over her and said he couldn't do it. So she was put to sleep on the examination table instead.

I honestly don't think she even cared by that stage. She was half out of her body. I think all she cared about was relief from her pain....and that I was with her.

I feel it's likely your Ruby felt the same too.

They usually don't like the sedative injection. I had another dog once who also cried when that was given. Misty wasn't given one....only the lethal injection, as she was too far gone by that stage with massive internal bleeding, and she went peacefully and very very quickly.

She was very ready to leave her body. But they sometimes don't want to leave, and yelp and stand up, and fight it. That's because they can't imagine anything except living here. But it is true that when they leave there is a great relief.

And they do soon forget those last pains and vet visit etc. Misty did not cling to it. When I sensed her after her passing she was bursting with brilliant energy and overflowing with love. Vets were a thing of the past.

It seems you did your utmost best for your Ruby girl. You could not have done any better. Putting her through radiation, may have given her a little pain relief. But radiation isn't without side effects. It might have made her feel nauseous or weak and weary. That was all she didn't need.

My opinion is you did the best thing.

Ruby hasn't stopped loving you. And she is free from all that pain now. Bless her Soul.
Hold the love like a little light. It is all you have, or will ever have, to find your way home.

Misty's Blog..a Dogfight with Cancer http://www.mistysblog69.blogspot.co.uk

Misty's life after death: http://www.dog2spirit.com
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RubysMom93
Thank you all. Since I lost my Ruby on May 26th my cat Smokey also passed. This just happened on Monday around 1am. I am so consumed with thoughts of my fur babies every day I don’t even know how to feel anymore. The days feel so slow, time is just dragging on. Mistysmama your words gave me a good cry this morning. One I may have needed to get out as I’ve been feeling just numb and out of sorts the past few days
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