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Peridot13

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Reply with quote  #1 
I didn't get to take my cat to the vet to have her put down.  I knew that she was going to die but by the time we had made the decision to go have her put down, she was already gone.  I am glad I had the last time with her, I held her close, beside my body, so she could feel my pulse and my warmth.  I held her little pads and they were cold, but she pulled on them and let me know she was still there with me.  We lie down face to face so we could look into each other's eyes.  She blinked a few times and I knew she knew I was there with her.  I have her on the Candle Ceremony page as Pussy.  That was her name in the beginning and I chose not to change it.  She was 13-14 when she died. She was lying in my bed.  An hour or two later I could hear something in the bedroom, so I went in.  And I found her going through death.  It was so hard to watch God come and take her spirit out of her little body.  She spasmed a few times like it was a big electrical shock going through her.  It wrenched me to watch this.  I could feel a burning sensation in my brain when I lost her.  Then she sighed  some big deep, far apart sighs, I knew she was going.  I told her that I was there with her and made sure I was loud enough so she could hear me.  I put my ear to her side and could only feel a very very faint heartbeat.  She had released her fluids....it was all so so sad and a very traumatizing experience for me.  I wish I hadn't had to see that.  
She was gone, and was lying limply on my bed.  I picked her up and held her and cried like I haven't cried in years. We buried her in the backyard next to the house and the trail and she will always have company there because people use the trail alot and we are all here of course.  We still have 5 other cats.  
But, maybe as the pain subsides a bit I will be glad that I was right there when her spirit released, so matter what the pain and reactions her body had to go through.  I hope so.  I miss you very much Pussy.  I just had to relate this, it will help my soul to heal.
Thank you.

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EllasFriend

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Reply with quote  #2 
I'm so sorry to hear about how you had to watch your cat die.  I've just been through the same thing, and am still going through episodes of intense crying when I think about it.  My cat Ella died at the age of three just this last Tuesday.  We left her at the emergency doc overnight, expecting a positive turnout but got a call that she had taken a turn for the worse overnight.  We got there just minutes after waking up, and she looked comatose; no pupillary response, no blink response, but she had been breathing on her own for a few hours.  I burst into tears when I saw her, and started to per her head and face in the way that she liked.  I whispered to her that it would be ok and that I loved her, and gave her a kiss on the head.  Moments later, she stopped breathing and let go.  She two experienced a couple spasms after this and then beautiful head went cold.  It was so sad.  I'm crying just reliving it.  I loved her so much. 

You're not alone, but I like you wonder when I will heal.  Life is not the same without my baby girl in the house :(


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MagzMom

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Reply with quote  #3 
I am so sorry peridot.  I too keep reliving the moment my Maggie took her last breath.  I was the one that took her to be put to sleep. I felt bad about it and still do.  I know in my heart it was the right thing, she was not well for a while.  She stopped eating.  She would have been 17, she was my heart.  I have to stop seeing it and try to remember all the great years we had.  I know she knows how much I love her, and she trusted me to do the right thing for her.  It doesnt make it any easier missing her, I still cry many times per day and it will be 4 weeks tomorrow. 
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txgal

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Reply with quote  #4 

Peridot...you've seen how many have posted to this site over the guilt feelings they have over putting their pets to sleep...there is no ideal end to our beloved companions life...don't be hard on yourself.  I was fortunate to spend the last days of Jake's life with him including the last minutes..I wasn't strong enough to do that with my last dog and I regret that.  I had always prayed that Jake would just die in his sleep of old age but in some ways I am glad I got to be there.....

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txgal

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Reply with quote  #5 
 
I Haven’t Left At All

I saw you gently weeping as you looked through photographs
You paused for just a moment at one that made you laugh.
But as you turned more pages the tears began to flow
You whispered that you missed me but I want you to know;
I softly licked those stinging tears that down your cheeks did fall
I want to help you understand I haven’t left at all.

On those days that you are overcome with sorrow, pain and grief
I rest my head upon your leg to offer some relief.
When you take our walking path I’ve seen you turn around
Because I know you surely heard my paws upon the ground.

At night while you are sleeping I snuggle at your side
You stroke my fur as you touch that place where I used to lie.
You said it’s just your heart playing tricks upon your mind
But rest assured I’m really there, my spirit’s left behind.

I know your heart is hurting; it’s like an open sore
You think my life has ended and you won’t see me anymore.
But for those of us bound tight by love, death is not the curtain call;
It’s really the eternal beginning that waits for us all
So, dear Master as you live your life I patiently await
For us to be together when you pass through Heaven’s gate.
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Peridot13

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Reply with quote  #6 
Thank you for all your kind words.  It hasn't been a week yet since Pussy died and it sure feels that way.  I just sat outside pondering for a few hours.  Trying to enjoy the outdoors, the breeze, the sound of the brook.  And I am trying to "get the feel" of her in the breeze and the sun and the insects buzzing around and the other cats but it just makes me tear up.  I feel like I am dwelling in the realms of the spiritual the last few days, being sick with a bad cold that has my head all fuzzed up and out of it's earthly focus.  In some ways I feel closer to Pussy this way the way I am feeling.  Sort of like a trance.  Anyway, yes, even with five other cats, the chasm left behind by my beautiful friend is deep.  They know there is a missing friend and they are all trying to fill that gap for me and make me feel loved.  They do.  Tonight is the Candle Ceremony.  Not sure how I will mark it but I will be definetly lighting a candle and thinking about my lost girl-buddy.  My old lady friend.  Like they say, the wise will cry often and openly for as long as it takes.  
Thank you again for your very kind words.  All my love to all people thinking about their fur babies tonght, and every  night.  
God Bless,
Kelty/ Peridot13

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