Yesterday, on July 4, I woke up early morning to hear my dog making this awful groaning noises every time he breathed. He has been sick for like four days before that so I got up and rushed to his side and tried to get him to get up or stand but he wouldn’t. I was the only one in the house, and I called my parents (I’m 18) because I didn’t know what to do. My dad said he would come back. I was hysterically crying my dog wouldn’t respond to anything and I was just lying next to him trying to make him feel better telling him that I loved him but it almost felt like he didn’t even know I was there. His eyes wouldn’t blink shut anymore when I touched his face and he wouldn’t react to anything I did or said. Then about ten minutes later his groaning and breathing started to change pase and he just threw up spit so I tried to lift his head Incase he could’ve choked on it and he just died right there in my arms. That was his last moment; throwing up. I am clouded with guilt for so many reasons. For one, the last few days were not good for him. Maybe a week ago he started throwing up a lot, like he threw up huge puddles of saliva twice in ten minutes at one point. I tried to look up information on this and all the internet said was “his stomach is probably upset”. And I didn’t know what else to do, im a young girl and my parents are hardly home so I don’t have the money for or know the first thing about taking him to the vet, so I didn’t do anything. I just hoped it would go away. The last three days he was just not happy, he wouldn’t way his tail anymore, wouldn’t prance around like he always did, he didn’t want to go outside. I feel like an idiot for not knowing something was obviously very wrong and an idiot for not taking him to the vet. Also, the last year was probably a horrible year for him. I just know this last year was a bad year for him compared to his whole life. We had always lived in houses with big yards that he would just run around and we could just easily let him outside whenever he needed to go out, but last summer we moved into a third floor apartment, and so many things changed for him. He had to climb up two flights of stairs, which was really hard for him, every time he needed to go out. We couldn’t just easily let him outside when he needed to go because we had to take him on walks, so sometimes when he obviously wanted to go out he would follow me around prancing excitingly, and when I was in a rush to go something or not in a good mood, I would get so mad at him and yell him to stop for doing this. I wanted him to just not need to go out at this end times because I had something I needed to do, and it was so selfish and mean. I treated him like an inconvience at these times and I wish I could take it all back. I even got mad at him in the last week for throwing up so much and he was just dying. He couldn’t help it. I didn’t help him. I didn’t know how. I just wish I did everything right. All the times I was unfair to him when he didn’t deserve it, I feel like a horrible person. I want to go back and change every moment I wasn’t making him feel loved. I loved him so mych. With my family gone so much he was the only one I was always with. He’s my childhood dog and I literally grew up with him and I have so many fond memories and happy times with him but now I can’t see past the horrible ways I treated him sometimes, it’s all I see and feel. He was such a blessing. One of a kind. He had so many quirky and clumsy qualities that I’ve never seen in any other dog and he’s gone, there will never be another like him. How do I get past this? I feel like I’m scarred for life after seeing him die right infront of me. I just keep seeing how scared and already gone he looked when I was trying to comfort him. It must’ve been so scary for him. My mom keeps saying, “at least you were there with him. He was so happy you were there with him and he didn’t have to go alone.” But it’l just doesn’t make me feel any better. I would give anything to see him perk his ears and prance over to me again. I miss him so much. It’s only been a day and I can’t stop crying. How can I get past this?
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1- you cannot change the past
2- you can change the present- Dont feel bad you didn't know he was that sick, you did not .
make the decision to move. So stop feeling gulty. Think about all the good times, happy memories.
3- You can change the future: Follow the right path and you will reunite with your fur baby in heaven.

My condelences.
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Honey I am so sorry and please don't be so hard on yourself. A lot of us are going through similar. Some of us recently lost our beloved pets a part of our families. Some of us that pet was our family.
Please respond to people here as they will try to help and give you support.
I only stay on here briefly as hard too and also chores after work.
If I could give you a hug would do so. Guess will have to be this way and better than nothing. Before this site we would never have met.
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I’m so sorry for your pain. He is you childhood pet and you have lost a large piece of “you”. I’m glad you’ve come here, you will find supportive and understanding people who are going through this huge loss also. Write as often as you feel the need and if you wish just read, the stories and replies will validate your feelings, you’re not alone. The bond shared between your beloved family member is intense, the grief will be just as intense, your tears will seem endless. I don’t think they ever run dry, sometimes they slow but grief doesn’t leave, it just takes different shapes. Be kind to you, this isn’t easy,,,,,
Lynn, Tankie’s mom, forever
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