CaliKariLillismok
My sweet baby girl Lilli a 9 year old golden retriever had a vet take 50 minutes and 3 shots to put her to sleep. It was horrific to watch her be i. So much pain and distress. Just so awful. The vet gave her a shot and she immediately in one swift jump crying I pain was out of her baby pool and sitting up. Her eyes were darting around wildly each eyeball going in different directions. She was scared and anxious and miserable. Something seemed very wrong . She was so upset  and her head was wobbling and shaking a strange way. My voice didn’t soothe or calm her . She was just anxious and in pain. She could t get her bearings or relax. She kept having these awful leg and paw spasm things were her legs would tense and tighten and her paws would be spread out as far as they could. I told my handyman who was there to go get the vet because something is wrong. Tell her to reverse this. She never examined her or touched her or told me anything .- except the first shot might sting a little. Finally she collapsed but not easily or comfortably. She was shivering so I ran inside to get her something besides the towel they brought. I grabbed my brother and i’s baby blanket I had been packing away for my niece and nephew. The vet was back and going to give her her last shot. She’s still awake and aware No way I said . She said I thought she was way over 65 lbs . So she went back to her car and got a other shot. She left again  for another 10 minutes. She is supposed to fall asleep and this is supposed to be peaceful. Lilli’s head is following the voices. She is raising her head. The vet is having my handyman hold her phone to use as a flashlight because it’s dark now and she can’t see. Get keep talking and I want to tell them to shut up because she is starting to calm. They tell me to say goodbye. My voice seems to upset and agitate her so I ask if I should leave. They need to look for a vein near her head so I have to move so I go inside to get a flashlight and call my brother hysterical. My handyman walks I. And tells me she died at 8;50 pm. Her heart stopped beating  slowly. She was awake when I left. She suffered immensely her last minutes here. I didn’t protect her . I betrayed her by letting them hurt her. I am distraught and in shock. I paid so much money to Rainbow to Heaven to have a home euthensia to make it easier and less stressful. She was terrorized and traumatized . She suffered so much for so long. Why???? Why??? 
Kari whiteaker
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P_Mom
Oh Kari, my heart my breaks for you.  I'm so sorry of the loss of your dear baby and then having to endure that experience.  Please understand you did nothing wrong!! You were doing what you thought would bring her the most peace - we all want that ending and trust medical professionals to do just that. This is on the Vet....Something sounds off and if/when you have the strength maybe investigate that Vet in an effort to help prevent this from happening again.  They did not seem prepared and should not have left her side or questioned her weight.  

This is not on you and your baby knows the life and love you gave her every single minute.  You were doing the very best for her and that's all we can do.  I know it's hard now but try to remember all those times. I'm so very deeply sorry - sending huge hugs, peace, and comfort your way.  ðŸ’žðŸ’–💕 Jennifer 

PS - you'll find you're not alone, I've seen other experiences similar on this forum as well. Always remember you were seeking the very best for your girl and this was out of your hands. XO
Jennifer
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Memories_of_Marmalade
Dear Kari,

I am so sorry for what your girl went through and what you are now having to cope with. You did your absolute best to provide your beloved with a peaceful departure and it was completely out of your control.

It's very important to remember that your Golden was very, very ill at the time of her departing, so all kinds of other factors could have resulted in her being discomforted. So many factors that may have contributed to her behavior in those final moments.

The main thing is you showed her mercy, ended her pain and suffering for good and were willing to let her go, even though you knew what that would do to you. So you were selfless and put her needs first. 

They say that "When we end our beloved's pain and suffering, we agree to take that pain and suffering onto ourselves and process it through our grief. We transfer what they are enduring onto ourselves. That is the bargain that we make.

It's obvious the endless second guessing of ourselves is just a part of the grieving process. And forcing ourselves to feel deep regret and remorse is just a way to make ourselves pay a form of penance for the decision we felt we had to make. We punish ourselves with overanalyzing what occured. Even when it was out of our control and not our fault. What happened was not your fault sweetheart.

They also say it is not how our beloveds depart in the end, those final moments, but all the hours, days, nights, weeks, months and years in between the time of their paths crossings ours and when they departed that truly matters more. All the laughter, smiles, joy, and love that we experienced with them. Not those few, last fleeting moments.

Kind regards & my sincerest condolences,
James
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masonC
I’m so sorry, that must have been one of the worst things to ever go through. My heart goes out to you.
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CobbersMom
My boy, Cobber, didn’t have the traditional “peaceful” final moments either. I’ve been so afraid to post about it because I don’t want to freak out anyone who’s struggling with when to make The Decision. It’s beyond heartbreaking to lose a pet in any way even a calm, peaceful one, but I read about all the furkids who slip away peacefully in their owners’ arms and think that those owners don’t realize how lucky they are since it doesn’t always go that way... I know that, like me and others, you’re being haunted and tormented thinking about how it went for your sweet pup, and all I can tell you is you’re not alone, and your dog loved you more than you can ever imagine regardless of the final moments. I’m so sorry for your loss and what you’re feeling now. 💔🐾🌈
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Frank68
Hi, I really feel for you having known what you are going through. This site really helps especially in the early days when you are going though those deep regret thoughts. But rest assured you will come through it and remembering the great times you shared with your beloved dog. There is a really good bbc article on 5 stages of grief which really helped when our dog passed away suddenly in June. If you search bbc uk you will find it.
also, it really helped us to have a day with family celebration life we had with our dog, we had a plaque made and put photos on a big board and buried his ashes, it really helped bring closure to what was a horrible 2 months and cement happy times we had.
hope you too get through this ok.
Russ
Russ
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Kkw
I’m so sorry. I went through a similar experience yesterday at the vets office (40 minutes). I am devastated. I feel like I totally failed my best friend at the most crucial time. I am riddled with guilt and horrified by what my love went through. I can’t stop crying. I can’t think straight. I want my baby back and can’t undo what I did. Thank you for sharing your loss. I truly thought it was my fault everything went wrong when it was supposed to be peaceful. My condolences and tears flow for you. Know you are not alone.
Kimberly wallen
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CobbersMom
Kkw wrote:
I can’t stop crying. I can’t think straight. I want my baby back and can’t undo what I did.

This is it exactly. 😢
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miasara
My beloved dog’s euthanasia was horrific. She was only 3 with multiple debilitating illnesses and possibly cancer. I also choose at home euthanasia due to the fact that she had anxiety at the vet office. The moment she saw the vet in our home she freaked out. The vet asked “how does she know?” Which certainly didn’t help ease my worries. She hated needles so I had to hold her firmly. The first shot just caused more anxiety. She cried and cried and struggled to stand. Vet gave her a second shot. I actually told vet to stop because my pup was so frightened. By then second shot seemed to work. All in all it took an hour and 3 shots. It’s been 5 months now and I can still hear her cries. Honestly this traumatized me. I try not to keep replaying her last few moments. I tell myself she finally did calm down and heard me tell her how much she is loved. I stayed until the very end. I only pray that she understands I didn’t betray her and I did what I thought was best to end her suffering. Some days that’s enough but there are days when I still feel terrible.  I’m sorry you had a similar experience. Yes try to focus on the good memories.  And know you are not alone. 
mia sara
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codysmum102
I am so very sorry this happened to you. I was fortunate that the last two dogs I had euthanized went peacefully but the very first dog I had euthanized did not go that way. We were at the vets and the vet kept poking and poking him looking for a vein and not finding it and I was almost to the point where I wanted to just say forget it because he looked so miserable and was looking at me with his big brown eyes like he was saying help me mom. They finally got it to work and he was gone but I was traumatized. It was the first animal I ever did that to. When our cat had kidney failure I couldn't even go so my husband went. I felt bad for not being there for her but I just couldn't go through that again. I feel for you so very much but like the others have said you were trying to do the right thing and it's not your fault it went so wrong. I will pray that in time you can remember all the good times you had through the many years you were together and be able to forget the last hour. It will be hard, it took me awhile, but you will be able to some day.
Julie 💔
"Grief only exists where love lived first."
--Franchesca Cox
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BoxerMomForever
Oh my, that is heartbreaking.  To all that went through a horrific ending my heart goes out to all.  It’s a very DIFFICULT decision to make then to have it go bad, I just can’t imagine. ~~~ HUGS ~~~
Linda *Mom to two boxer angels* Lily {White Girl} 6/22/09 - 10/14/19  ** Ginger {Flashy Fawn Girl} 6/4/97 - 5/28/09
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Golden_mom1
Sophie.jpg 

Kari - I am so sorry about your sweet Lily.  I was drawn to your story because I have a soft spot for golden retrievers. I feel your pain and want to remind you that you didn't do anything wrong.  Hugs to you

I put my 10 yr old (too young) golden Sophie to sleep in January after fighting lymphoma.  She was doing great on chemo, running in the yard, going for walks and acting like her normal self.  On a Wednesday I noticed that her lymph nodes in her groin were grossly swollen.  I took her to the oncologist and she gave her a different type of chemo and bumped up her prednisone significantly.  She was slowing down a little but nothing out of the ordinary.  Late Saturday night she started panting and sitting upright in her dog bed.  I assumed the panting was from the increased prednisone and kept telling her to go back to sleep.  I was tired and had to get up the next morning so I went out and slept on the couch.  My husband woke me up around 4 am and said Sophie wasn't moving.  We carried her into the emergency clinic where she was given fluids and pain meds.  She declined rapidly and we made the painful decision to euthanize her Monday morning.  I was so upset that we didn't get to do a planned home euthanasia.  This beautiful creature that gave so much love to my family spent her last 24 hours unable to walk in a vet clinic cage.  

My point is that the end doesn't always go as planned.... no matter how hard we try to do the "right" thing.  I still have feelings of guilt and "what if" and cry whenever I utter her name.  Everyone thinks I'm crazy.  Time is helping.  You have to take solace in the fact that you gave Lily a great life and sometimes that's all we can do.  Focus on all the precious memories you have with her.  RIP Lily
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