I feel so silly being here. I’ve never really experienced loss, I’m 37 with all grandparents alive so I just have never really been exposed to it to develop coping mechanisms etc.
Two days ago, my pup who was nearly 10 started vomiting blood. It was very sudden, he was fine the day before (chasing rabbits in fact). It was a weekend so the vets were shut. I left it a few hours and he actually started to improve until the evening when he started struggling with breath and clots of blood were coming out of his mouth. We took him to the emergency vets and because of covid they made us stay outside. They weren’t exactly quick - Alfie was in my partners arms and I gave him a kiss and cuddle and he just kind of went floppy, like the life just went out of him and about 10,000 litres of blood came out of his mouth, nose etc. They rushed him in but said something had hemmoraged and they could try and help him but it would be more humane to put him to sleep because his lungs were full of blood.
There was blood all over us, the floor etc. It was such a traumatic last moment together that all I can see is all the blood all over the place. I can cope with missing him. What I’m struggling with is seeing him all covered in blood and floppy. It’s unbearable. I can’t sleep at night and now I keep checking my other dog is breathing all night long.
To say I’m not dealing with it well is an understatement.
I keep thinking about if it was my fault. He ate a chicken bone last week out the bin (he’s done it a billion times when he can get hold of anything) and I started thinking was it that, should I have taken him straight to the vet then, should I have taken him as soon as I saw the blood in his sick, could he have been saved etc.
My partner didn’t really like the dog but even so he is upset. But I don’t think he really understands how I feel. I bought Alfie when I was battling depression and he saved me really. We’ve been through so much together - my partner has only been around for 40% of that. He won’t walk where we usually go because it makes him sad, won’t look at pics of him etc. where as I do to try and get that last image out of my mind.
I don’t know how to go from here. I just want to cry in bed all day