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SparkysMom

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Reply with quote  #1 
My sweet Sparky was 15 years, 11 months, and 26 days old when we put him down two days ago. I had him for 15 1/2 of those years - over half of my life. We got him when I was about to turn 13. He's been with me through everything - 8th grade, high school, undergraduate, masters and a PhD graduation. Through an eating disorder, anxiety and depression. Countless breakups and finally finding "the one" - the only guy I dated that Sparky ever loved. He traveled with me on two hour trips between cities in Ohio to see my then boyfriend, now husband, on the weekends. He moved across the country with us as my new job brought us to Texas. And now he's gone. I can so clearly hear the vet say those words, "He's gone," after she confirmed that his heart had stopped. In that moment, I let out a cry like I've never heard come from me before. It didn't matter that I had known for awhile that this moment was coming. I wept and wailed as I held his head on my lap and saw the color slowly drain from his face. My heart broke into a million pieces in that moment.

Like many who have to make the decision for their dog, I wrestled with the guilt in the days before and now after we put him down. Looking at the pictures from his last few days I can see how tired he was and that I made the right decision. He'd lost twenty in just a couple months. Could hardly pick himself off the ground or hold himself up when he needed to go potty. He'd had bad arthritis for a long time. And to top it all off he had a skin condition which looked to the vet like a rare form of lymphoma and medication had not helped. I know he was hurting and he is now no longer suffering. 

But I can hardly stop crying. I've never felt a grief like this before. I look around our house and my desk at work and realize there are so few pictures of him. Don't get me wrong, I have a million pictures of him on my computer and phone and several videos too. But I never put many pictures up. I guess he was always there, my loyal shadow, that I didn't need the pictures hung then. Now all I want is to look at those pictures because it's the only thing that makes me feel better.

But I don't "see" him the way people talk about seeing their deceased pet run around the corner or laying in their usual spot. I don't expect him to be there. Maybe I'm too logical. However, the fact that so many people do have those experiences makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. I look at those places and I know he used to be there, but it's like my heart can't feel in those instances. I don't know if I'm still in some sort of shock or denial. My heart is so heavy, but maybe there are some pains it's protecting me from. It was hard to get out of bed this morning. I cry more often than not during the day.

I just want to honor his life. I pray he knew how much I loved him. It's hard not to look back and wish I'd spent more time cuddling him or playing with him or walking him or taking him to a park. My biggest fear is that I somehow let him down, let down my loving little boy who loved me unconditionally and all he ever wanted was to be by my side. I just wish he was still by my side.

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uabjen

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Reply with quote  #2 
Hi Sparky's Mom,

I am very sorry for your loss. I also lost my best friend last week and I know that it is hard not to wish we had spent more time with them. I am sure that Sparky was comforted by the fact that his favorite person was there in his final moments and just remember he is free from pain now. You did everything that you could for your best friend. I would encourage you to hang onto your pictures and videos of him. They may be impossible to look at now but you may want to have them in the future.
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Peach

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Reply with quote  #3 
Hi,

Reading your post made me sad but I saw some similarities between what we're feeling now. I lost my best friend Beck on February 2nd and it has been a very difficult thing to handle. I don't "see" him either, I know very well he is gone. There is nothing wrong with you for that. Everyone is different in how they grieve. I was in shock for the first few days, and now I'm left with a heavy heart. I know exactly what you mean when you say that, my heart is heavy in my chest.
And I feel guilt too, for feeling like I didn't pay enough attention to him, or I was too tired some days after work even though all he wanted to do was sit on my lap. I too fear I let him down and I know it's a silly way to think because I know I was a very great mum to him, and I know he knows that! Grieving minds do strange things! When my mind starts to wonder down these negative thoughts, I try to think of a time Beck made me laugh, or smile. I'm sure Sparky left you with many funny and wonderful memories, a gift he left you with over time knowing you would need it.

I also wanted to say that I felt relief when I read that you are looking at pictures of Sparky on your computer because it's the only thing that makes you feel better. I have done the same, even spent hours reorganizing pictures into labelled yearly albums. I cried a lot, but I smiled a lot too. I thought I was going crazy spending so much time looking at his pictures, but it was the only thing that seemed to stop the tears and stop the heavy feeling in my heart, even if only for a minute. I didn't even realize how many photos I had of him, I loved him so much. 

I hope you find the peace that you need, Sparky wouldn't want you to be sad for too long. 


~Peach
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SparkysMom

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Reply with quote  #4 
Quote:
Originally Posted by uabjen
Hi Sparky's Mom,

I am very sorry for your loss. I also lost my best friend last week and I know that it is hard not to wish we had spent more time with them. I am sure that Sparky was comforted by the fact that his favorite person was there in his final moments and just remember he is free from pain now. You did everything that you could for your best friend. I would encourage you to hang onto your pictures and videos of him. They may be impossible to look at now but you may want to have them in the future.


Thanks uabjen. I'm sorry for your loss too. I will definitely hold on to the pictures and videos. They are treasured memories <3

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SparkysMom

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Reply with quote  #5 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Peach
Hi,

Reading your post made me sad but I saw some similarities between what we're feeling now. I lost my best friend Beck on February 2nd and it has been a very difficult thing to handle. I don't "see" him either, I know very well he is gone. There is nothing wrong with you for that. Everyone is different in how they grieve. I was in shock for the first few days, and now I'm left with a heavy heart. I know exactly what you mean when you say that, my heart is heavy in my chest.
And I feel guilt too, for feeling like I didn't pay enough attention to him, or I was too tired some days after work even though all he wanted to do was sit on my lap. I too fear I let him down and I know it's a silly way to think because I know I was a very great mum to him, and I know he knows that! Grieving minds do strange things! When my mind starts to wonder down these negative thoughts, I try to think of a time Beck made me laugh, or smile. I'm sure Sparky left you with many funny and wonderful memories, a gift he left you with over time knowing you would need it.

I also wanted to say that I felt relief when I read that you are looking at pictures of Sparky on your computer because it's the only thing that makes you feel better. I have done the same, even spent hours reorganizing pictures into labelled yearly albums. I cried a lot, but I smiled a lot too. I thought I was going crazy spending so much time looking at his pictures, but it was the only thing that seemed to stop the tears and stop the heavy feeling in my heart, even if only for a minute. I didn't even realize how many photos I had of him, I loved him so much. 

I hope you find the peace that you need, Sparky wouldn't want you to be sad for too long. 


~Peach


Peach, 

Thank you for your sweet message and I am so sorry for your loss. I also have been gathering pictures on my computer. I hope to find older photos (from back when I didn't have a cell phone or a laptop) at my parents' house to add to my files. You are definitely not crazy for looking at those photos. I go through my photos several times a day, especially in the morning and the evening - these seem to be the hardest times for me. 

I hope your sadness is fading into sweet memories of your Beck and the love you two shared gives you comfort and peace.

Sparky's Mom


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