PumpkinsMama
Its been a week today, at 8:22 pm I lost my baby girl, Pumpkin, she is an orange and white cocker spaniel. One minute I think maybe I'll be okay and that this is just what happens to all of us. But the guilt and grief seem to hit me out of nowhere, some forgotten memory or how she would follow me to the door when I had to go to work and she would walk real slow, looking at me with her big beautiful eyes, hoping maybe I was going to let her go and maybe be taking her for a walk. Like when I put my tennis shoes on she would get so excited and sometimes I didn't let her go w/ me b/c it was too hot or thought maybe she was getting a little too old.

I feel so guilty that I didn't notice something was wrong sooner, that the last week of her life (after a week of improvement) I was desperately trying to feed her, give her fluids, give her the medication and I practically forced her. Why didn't I just let her be, why did I wait til the very last minute to put her to rest? Although she was able to come home to pass, she spent the last few hours in the vet hospital on oxygen, getting poked and x-rayed. I brought her home and took her outside to see the backyard one last time and she got worse and it was because it was so hot and she had been on oxygen. I feel I speeded everything up. It was awful.

I had a dream night before last that I thought I kept seeing her but knew she was gone, and then i turned around and she was laying on the floor and I stopped and stared and she was breathing. As I went to go be with her, she let out a little howl and was gone again. I want her to come to me in a dream to let me know she is okay and still loves me.

OMG I miss her so much and I don't think I will ever be okay at this point, its too much of a loss, she was my everything. I wish I had been more appreciative of every single day i had with her. I would take her on every trip we ever took and never leave her alone.  I worked from home so I was able to be with her most of the time, and when we went on weekend trips, she stayed with her Papaw and her siblings, so she was never alone, but still I feel I should have been with her every moment of her precious life. Before a month ago, when I thought she was very healthy, when she was here, I knew it was going to be horrible losing her, but I also thought I had a couple more years with her, at least. It all happened so fast. The guilt and loss feel like it could crush me and there are moments I wish it would. I didn't deserve such a sweet, loving dog. I could have done better, I wish I'd done better in so many ways :'(
DJ
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camunki
hi PumpkinsMama, i am so sorry for the loss of your beloved Pumpkin. This is all fresh new and raw and it will take a long time for your heart to heal. I lost 2 beloved pets in Jan 2015 (Daizy) and then Dec 3rd, 2015 my beloved Munki both to cancer that spread to their internal organs.

Alot of what your feeling is normal, I felt so much guilt as time went on, even months later I would spend hours on the computer looking up reasons why my pets had to go so quickly due to cancer and how i could have and should have stopped the cancer. What your feeling is normal.

In hindsight you do have to understand you did your all for your Pumpkin. We love our pets as our children and want them to have the best life possible. Their lives are so short compared to ours.

I too also thought I had "more" time with my Daizy and Munki but in reality cancer sucks and with the speed of light can just take over your pets body and cancer is painful and no one would want pain for thier pets and we as their guardians have to do the right thing for them and make decisions....even if it is the worst dreadful one of lettting them transistion into their next world/life.

My heart goes out to you, as i too have been their before with many tears for many, many months and outburst of tears and crying out of nowhere. Take the time to remember your Pumpkin with pictures, talking to her, keeping her memory alive...........she is off on a new adventurous journey at the Rainbow Bridge, your guardian angel..........until you meet again.

Cam


 
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PumpkinsMama
Thanks Cam. I had to tell you I had a dog we had to put down 4.5 years ago, her name was Daisy and I currently have another dog whose name is Monkey. :) I'm sorry for your loss of your Daizy and Munki.  It scares me I feel like none of this is real...until it is. :'(  i just can't believe she is gone, it doesn't seem possible. As much as I loved/love my other babies, they weren't as attached to me as she was, she was always there every time I turned around...she really was my pride and joy, just a beautiful dog inside and out, and she still looked so young too. That this happened so fast makes me sick at my stomach. IDK...I sound like a broken record. I had to get a mammogram today and it took way too long and I got a little bit of a panic attack and started feeling very emotional (and claustrophobic), and they offered to let me sit in a private waiting room, which was nice of them, I was tired of holding back the tears around the other women in the room. Once I got to the room i cried and cried, and then just sat there in complete silence. I'm sick of crying, sick of trying not to cry, sick of wishing i could cry more....it's all so exhausting and I can't wrap my head around it, maybe to protect myself b/c i think if I could wrap my head around it, it would be too much. Thank u for your response and comforting words, it is helpful and I will re-read it often. 
DJ
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camunki
hi DJ, wow amazing that you also had a Daisy and a Monkey!!! just like me, what a coincidence......and I am sorry for the loss of your Daizy and Monkey...

Denial is a huge part of the grieving process, it took me soooo long to beleive that my pets were gone, even though i knew when i woke up their physical beings were not here. I knew they did transition, but it took me a very long time to "accept" this. They consumed my world. I know the first few weeks into the months are by far the worst. As each day goes on I still cry and it is going on over 10 months since i lost my beloved Jemma on Oct 21, 2016. I miss that girl so much and the tears show when i go for my daily walks. I guess in my spiritual world I am just picturing them having a fun time up in the heavens, on a new adventure, wagging their tails and running and having a blast at the Rainbow Bridge. I picture my babies looking thru a "veil" as they can see me and come visit me from time to time.........which they all have thru many dreams and butterflies, dragonflies, and noises. I just truly beleive God transitioned them from earth to their new home up in the heavens.

Your Pumpkin loves you and i hope she visits you thru dreams too, the dreams bring a big smile to my face. I truly beleive in all the "signs" we can pick up on from our beloved pets.

Your tears will come and go, I am sure you will have outbursts of tears out of nowhere....it does take a long time to heal, and I know that a huge chunk of our hearts will always be taken away with each pet that goes to heaven. Our pets are truly loved. So honor that memory of Pumpkin, talk with her and keep her memory alive.....and keep posting here, it truly takes away that "alone" feeling.

Cam

Cam


 
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