ALS79
We lost our baby girl yesterday afternoon, her name was Kharma (a.k.a. lil'B*tch), I know it hasn't even been 24 hours yet, but this pain is not only emotional, it's also physical... never experienced anything like this before. I feel heartbroken, stupid and lost, especially this morning... I was terrified of this morning, and i was right to be.
I moved to the US on Dec, 2006, I was working in a hotel In Florida. I had no one here, it felt lonely... two months later I met my now husband and we started dating. A month after that, one of his co workers was heading to college and she couldn't keep the little 6 month puppy she rescued months before, so my husband took her in... I remember our 1st date the 3 together, we picked her up and took her to the beach, to see if she liked us, she loved us and we fell in love with her... so for several months my now husband would pick me up at work and either bring me back home or I would spend the night at his, he would also drop Kharma off at my apt on the days he worked till late. The time came for me to decide what i wanted to do, my visa was almost over... it was either going back home or stay. I decided to stay and moved with them. After a year we decided to move to Philly, PA, so we packed everything and moved. Kharma lived most of her life in Philly, dreading the winter, but enjoying the snow, with trips to the beach in summer and walks, discovering new parks, day trips, dining out, etc. But also went thru tough times with us, movings, unemployment, etc., but every decision was made taking her in consideration, we made sure to spoil the crap out of her, even in rough times. In 2016 we were finally able to get married (thanks to the supreme court) and she was part of it, my family came over and had the pleasure to meet her. She would listen to me sing and play guitar as she would do when we took her for walks in the summer and a band played outdoors, she was a fan of music.. it soothed her. I got my green card a couple of years later finally and everything started to fall into place. It's always been the 3 of us... a little family.
This year she started to have seizures, they were scary... she was also coughing a lot and had difficulty breathing and a wonky hip and on top of that a murmur in her heart, but after going thru treatment with the medications, her health improved a lot. Cause of her age our vet didn't want to sedate her to do more studies, he (and we) wanted to improve her quality of life, without stressing her out... She was fine, she was slowing down and was not the bundle of energy she had been years back, but shes always been such a happy being... Our last trip was to Pittsburgh, she loved it.
On Monday she started to have seizures again... difficulty breathing etc., and everything went down hill from there. We took her to the vet, they took her out of my arms to take an xray... she had liquid in her lungs, her tongue was blue-ish. The vet gave us 3 options, take her to Upenn, but it was gonna be expensive, let him treat her with meds, or put her to "sleep"... we decided to let him treat her and figure out the 1st option with the insurance, so we brought her home, she seemed to be a little bit better, but after two seizures, she stopped breathing on her little bed. We were able able to say goodbye to her, cause we were both home...and I'm so thankful for that... and she basically in her own terms. I've never seen my husband cry that way before, with so much pain. He had to work after that, he couldn't get out, so we took her to the vet and said our goodbyes, to our little girl... wrapped in a blanket. they are gonna call us next week to give us her ashes.
I know for some people she was just a dog, but not for me, she was in every milestone we reached, every tough decision we made, every tough time.
We saw her go yesterday and all these memories and other that don't fit here came back to me. We were 3, always. Now our little family shrunk, and we are gonna have to keep on this journey without her, and this moment is part of that same journey. And I know I have to let her go as I pace around this quiet house, running into her blankets and toys on the floor... Going to sleep and not have her there in between us like day 1 was difficult... Kharma was with us for as long as my husband and I been together... and almost for as long I've been in this country. And now she is gone and my eyes are puffy and red from crying ... and I don't know what's next... and I'm gonna have to learn to measure time without her...
I want everyone here to know, that understand what you are going through and my heart goes out to you and a big hug too... and I'm sorry for my grammar, i can barely see what I'm typing through the tears..
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Stealthcat
ALS79, I am so sorry for your loss, Karma was such a beautiful girl! I am glad you shared your story with us. It is very clear that you loved your pup so much. I lost my furry family member on 9/21, so I certainly understand how bad the grief as been - and we are all here with you. I too started my little family with my husband, and the house can feel so empty with one missing. The nights always seem harder for some reason. 

It sounds like you gave Karma a wonderful life with you! She had you by her side through all of it, and I am sure that comforted her so much. It will be difficult to handle picking up the ashes - it was for my husband and I.  We both felt like our baby passed away all over again. I hope you continue to share with us, because we all understand the grief you feel. 
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Marlene8817
Hi, i just read your post and starting crying, I'm so very sorry for your loss, I know how painful it is, it's unbearable.  I'm glad you have your husband, that will help with the grieving process.  There are no words.  I lost my little Molly on Sept 1, it's been a little over a month and I cry everyday, I had her for over 13 years, she was 13.5 when she passed from cancer/renal failure.  She was my everything, we were together 24/7 as I work from home, a part of me is gone, my heart is shattered. I've never loved anything like this before or felt such pain, I walk around in a daze.  Being with friends and family help, but when I'm alone I'm just a shell.  Trying to think that she lived her life with me and it was a great life, full of love, never thinking it would end, but it does, they don't live as long as we do.  Just have to try to think of the good times, I'm just not there yet, I hope to be someday.  Coming on here helps to know you are not alone, there is only so much you can talk about it with people, they stop asking, I do have some friends that understand and let me talk about it, which helps.  

We all understand your grief and how lonely the house is.  My worst time is the morning as we had our little ritual, mornings use to be my favorite time of the day, now it's the worst.  Keep posting and share your feelings as much as you want, it helps.  I haven't worn makeup in a month, since all I do is cry..hugs to you all!
Marlene Weber
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ALS79
Stealthcat

Your thread is the first one I read here and encouraged me to write mine. Thank you for replying and I'm sorry for the loss of your baby and how tough it has been for both of you... I know this is the first day of many to come and I don't know what it's gonna be like. I'm just trying not to lose my mind, because I'm not the only one grieving, my husband is too. I can totally understand you trying to grieve and also trying it to keep it together. I'm gonna take it one day at a time and wait for the call to pick up her ashes... thanks to you I feel a little bit more prepared for that now. <3
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Stealthcat
ALS79,

Aw well I am happy you did decide to share with us, though I am sorry about the circumstances in which we are talking.  For days after, it was very difficult to function on a basic level - eating, sleeping, concentrating on anything else, etc. And I know with all of that going on, it can make you feel like you are out of control with grief.  My husband mostly held it together for me I think, but he eventually fell apart, too. I think he was afraid to show it too much because he knew how much I was hurting. But I think it helps to both share and cry together - like this forum it  can help in some ways! 

And I hope you continue to share with us if/when you need to!! I've come back a few times because writing it out and the support here are comforting. Best wishes to you and your husband, I know this is very hard on you both. 
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ALS79
Marlene8817

I'm sorry to hear about your little Molly passing, and thank you for replying... and yes, you are right, this morning was tough. I was terrified thinkingabout it last night... waking up and her not being next to me in bed and then try to wake her lazy little butt up to feed her and then take her to the park. A friend told me to go for a walk get out of the house to "think", there's only parks around here!... I feel like I have no business walking by myself to the park. But it does help when people reach out and listen... and it helps to write here and read others stories. <3
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Sampson
My deepest condolences on the loss of your sweet girl Kharma. She was lovely and definitely a big part of your family of 3 so you’ve lost a family member now and your mourning and despair are understandable.
I enjoyed hearing how you spoiled her and how she was always considered in all your decisions. It’s a real shame that she had to leave but it was her time and you’re right that she left on her own terms. You and your husband will never have any regrets on how she was treated. You both loved her so much. I also hope you will continue to share more of your story.
Sam
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Michelemh
I feel the exact same way. I lost my dog on September 9. She was a once in a life time dog. We did so many things together. We trained when she was young. She was sweet and lovable. She loved us as much as we loved her. The house is empty now and no more happiness. I miss her so much and cry every day. She would have been 18. I will never have a dog like her again.
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Tig2019Michelle
Sorry for your loss.. I'm an animal lover to no end...I wish this pain on no one
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