SarahR Show full post »
SarahR

Thank you for all your beautiful words and describing everthing so well.
Today i gave away Orin's left over dog biscuits, organic canned food, Hill's special diet canned food, frozen chicken livers and some dog snacks.
My mom brought them to a friend who could use it for her dog.
My mom started crying when i brought it all out to her car, i was trying to be strong and not cry but i could not hold it in either and we just stood there crying together.....
There are still things in the house like his kennel, his huge stuffed animal dog and various toys and bones that i know i will have to start cleaning up one day.......
Tomorrow i have a show to perform at and Saturday as well, it scares me.... i sing 3 songs in the show and i fear i will choke up, not being able to sing at all.
I have no idea what will happen, i will have to leave the house and be social at the show which i do not feel like doing at all.
I have started to listen to music again and try to sing along with some regular pop songs, just to slowly see what happens.
I don't want to talk to anyone about Orin, and when i say "talk" i mean verbally talk about him, i simply can't do it without crying, without my throat closing up and hurting.
Part of me seems to be going numb inside, like all my feelings dissappear....i am starting to feel dead inside during the day at different times.
Maybe this is a way of my body/soul to help me get through this?...i don't know....
When my boyfriend asks me a question like:" Would you like to eat this or that?' My reply is "I don't care."
I get so angry multiple times a day though....so many plans that all went down the drain....one major thing being i wanted Orin there when i get married one day in the next few years......

 

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Chrissy
We all deal with grief in different ways but we all have the same guilt, anger, fears.  I'm so sorry for your loss Orin is beautiful.  Good luck for your show and show Orin you can do him proud. Sending healing thoughts X  
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Suzukibiker68
I am so sorry for your loss. My Sally died at just 8 suddenly over a month ago and I have become a different person without her. Your beautiful baby had the same personality as my girl. There is nothing I can say to help how you feel as I feel the horrendous pain too as do so many others. If there's any advice then all I can say is take time. Don't get angry at the 'get another dog' people. They don't understand and are only trying to help. I found after taking 2 weeks off work as I could not cope (I'm a cop in the UK), that work now actually takes me away from the empty house that beforehand was a blessing to come home to knowing Sally was waiting to barge past the rest of the family to be with me. My heart goes out to you.x
I will love you forever my angel
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deereay33
Lymphoma got my lovely lab too. He was do healthy, running around on beaches until oct 4th when he collapsed out of the blue. Lymphoma was diagnosed and he lost his appetite for food, walks, getting out of bed. Like you i tried every dog food that was grain free to get him to eat. I cooked home meals for him that he walked away from. So in december we tried chemo as he was so thin. Every night he was vomitting. Diarohea everywhere. Dec 23rd some power took over me to have him pts. I do regret it and question it daily but i also know i put him before me with this decision. He was so poorly, so miserable, no quality of life. I miss him every day, i agree with the statement that the colour of my life has gone. But i also know i would rather be living with this pain than i had a life without him. Your dog is very beautiful.
Dee
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SarahR
Thank you Chrissy, Suzukibiker68 and Deereay33 for your lovely replies.
I am so sorry for your losses, for everyone´s loss on here.....it breaks my heart to see so many people go through this pain....

I just got home from the show.
It was hard to sing, I kept going out of tune because of all the emotions.
With the first song i almost started to cry at the end but was able to hold it in and get off stage quickly.
My brother is also in the show with me and my parents and he had 3 books for me that i ordered from amazon and had delivered at his house in Germany (we don´t have amazon in the Netherlands)
I already got 2 books in when Orin was still alive, both were about dog cancer and treating it naturally.
These 3 books he gave me tonight, same thing...all about preventing and trating cancer in dogs and natural remedies for dogs.
It is a bitter pill that i received the books after Orin has passed away, all the information in the books will not bring him back to me anymore.
This morning and this afternoon i broke down again before leaving for the show, i miss him so much.
I get so angry still....i think it was last year that i took Orin to the vet to have some bumps checked out on his skin and under his skin since a friend of mine told me it could be tumors or the start of cancer.
The vet assured me it was nothing serious, nothing to worry about.
Even in January i asked again about a bump under his skin, at the part of his chest to his front leg....close to his armpit so to speak....and again she told me it was nothing.
Now i read that lymphoma can be recognised with bumps in that area.
Orin has always been a sensitive dog....from the moment i got him he was sensitive to medication.
He almost died from the de-worming pills he got when he was only 3 or 4 months old.
I was with a different vet at that time and they made it seem like i had almost killed him and said i must have fed him something bad or he ate something bad outside.
When he got well again i bought a different de-worming medicine and he got sick from that as well, not as badly though.
After another wrongfull advice from that vet i left and went to this one.
It is a bitter pill to take to realize that if only i would have pushed for more research, followed my instinct more or the vet would have investigated more that he may have been saved.
When Orin was a pup someone told me to start giving him Vitamin C pills everyday since it was good for a dog.
I did that for a month or so and then stopped. Orin hated getting those pills and i switched to multivitamins for dogs for a while.
He like those pills and ate them willingly.
After a while i stopped those since Orin seemed perfectly healthy and fine, now i don't understand why i stopped those since that may just have been what his body needed all along.
He only still got sick from vaccinations and things like anti tick and anti flee medication.
I started working with a natural anti tick essential oil but it did not work great.
If only i had investigated it more, put more time and efford into it, would i have been able to save his life?
Looking back at his life now....i can see the small misstakes i kept making that may all have let to his illness and ultimately his death.
I know i am not supposed to think like that but i can't help but do.
I am a perfectionist and i know i did not do a perfect job on raising him.
Looking back i know i could have saved his life by fixing all the misstakes i made.
Even with the holistic treatment, i know i could have saved his life if only i had been given a little bit more time, had known a little bit sooner, had pushed harder to find out sooner.


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Sadiesmom061308
SarahR
You did the best you could for Orin. I hope you can find some peace. We all wish we could change the outcomes for our babies. Sending you hugs. You are not alone.
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StillAsleep
So heartbreaking, my deepest sympathies for your loss. Sometimes all we can to is love them completely and unconditionally, and you did that for him. It's always so unfair when our loved ones leave us way before what might be possible, and it hurts so deeply. Especially when we torture ourselves with the what if's (something I've been doing a lot today). You have the strength within you, much love and peace.
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stellasMOM
Sarah, Blessings to you for this profound, deep loss of your boy Orin. I read your words & feel that they could be mine, as many of us probably do. The heartbreak, the guilt, the depression, and the desperation to want our babies back. My husband and I let our Beautiful Black Lab Stella go on 12/28th and my life is shattered and I cry daily and have felt a sadness that I have never known before, even though I lost both parents @ an early age, a sister, a sister-in-law, a mother-in-law and several Lab's. But no pain has been as deep as this loss of My Stella. I can only say that we must take it minute by minute and process our feelings as they come. Today, I had a face time conversation with my little 8 yr old great-niece about silly little things and I found myself smiling and her innocence and happiness over showing me her "sparkly lotion" & it actually lifted my sadness and I have found the day tolerable. Please find these moments and cling to them, they will save us. Your bond with Orin is eternal and you loved him with a pure and whole heart and you have nothing to feel guilty for. It is cathartic to help others on this site because we all have felt guilt and what if's, could have's and it helps us to reach out to others and realize we all did the best we could and our babies know that. I feel lost most of the time, because Stella was with us ALWAYS, except when we were @ work and my husband was only away from home for 4 hrs each morning. We let her brother Olly go (after a surgery to remove cancer/lymph nodes) Nov 2014 and he was only 6 yrs old, so our grief for him was still present and still is. 

Please continue to share your feelings and definitely your beautiful Magic Garden! What a glorious spot that will be! I wish you peace and comfort as you find your way through this journey of grief. We will never be the same, but we will honor the love we shared by smiling again one day, just like how Orin and Stella would want us to. The love of our furbabies is so pure and so unconditional and I truly feel it is deeper than any human connection (although I do not have children). We are better humans who have been loved by such precious souls. Be kind to yourself and truly know that we are all walking this walk and are here to help each other along the way. Sending much love and light.

((hugs)) and <3 Stella's Mom
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SarahR
Thank you everyone for your words of support, it is such a huge help in my mourning process.
I did something that may sound a bit crazy or odd or something but i wanted to have it and now that it got here today it feels great to have it.
There are many online stores where you can have photos printed on things, well i needed a new handbag or purse or something since mine broke and i was using an old one that was on the edge of breaking as well.
I had a shoulder bag printed with Orin's photo on it, i also had a keychain made with his photo in it since i did not even have a keychain yet on my keys.
I have added photos of it below, the first photo is the bag with the front flap with Orin on it, the second photo is of the bag itself, when you lift the flap, the third photo is the keychain.
I am super happy with how the bag turned out and the keychain as well. This way it feels like i can have Orin with me more some way.
I know he is not really there, but i hope you know what i mean by what i wrote about him being there with me.
Today i was even able to make somewhat of a joke about it when i said:" This is Orin's first time being allowed into a supermarket"
It is still hard for me to realize that he is not here with me, i keep hoping it is all a nightmare and i will wake up any moment now and he is here.
It all just happened so fast....from the moment we got the news of his lymphoma to the die he died....it was not even a month later.
It still does not feel like reality, him not being here.
Last week when i performed the shows on Friday and Saturday i actually had to get stomache pills since my stomache would not stop hurting and i was starting to get acid reflux as well.
I am taking pills for my stomache once a day now to keep it calm.
Last night i started to get flue/fever like symptoms in bed, this morning i woke up with a huge pain in my left side of my neck, my neck got stiffer and stiffer where it got hard to move to the left at all.
My mom said that i will most likely have more body problems ahead of me since i have been through so much stress since Orin's diagnosis, to barely sleeping, eating poorly and then when he passed the pain and hurt uptill now.
She said all of that has most likely done great damage inside my body and it needs to restore again somehow.
Did any of you experience this as well?


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LUCYLULU

Oh Sarah~  I love your bag & keychain. Makes me want to get too.  I have a pic of Lucy as the screensaver on my phone. Weird b/c when she was alive, I didn't have her picture this way. But over time I look @ my phone I can now say, 'Hi Lucy Girl...I miss you'...or something similar. When I first did it-- I cried inside looking at her picture. Now it is comforting. Carrying your bag & keychain gives you Orin's photo. He is always with you as he's forever in your heart & soul. Now you can talk about your handsome boy-- when people ask you about the bag. It's surprising how many people will understand. I hope that, in time, when you 'carry him' and look @ his picture, you can feel comfort-- a smile sometimes instead of the unbearable sadness.

And 'yes'. No sleep or crappy, interrupted sleep for many weeks after Lucy passed. I still often wake @ 'that time'...around 3 AM. And 'yes' to the stomach upset. Started taking extra strength Pepcid, & various other remedies. It's only now started to subside a bit. (since November 2015) Always felt like someone had kicked me...repeatedly in the gut. Perhaps that's where the expression 'gut wrenching pain' comes from. (?)  Definitely can relate. 

Just take it day-to-day. We all truly understand how wicked hard it is. Hugs, Kasey


 

 

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