Registered: 1473833386 Posts: 76
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(I hope I'm not posting a lot, but I guess I have a lot to say...Forgive me)
Cancer grows, but it shrinks our families. It's tough, but it breaks us down. Why can't it be the other way around? I wish this horrible disease never existed. I wish nobody- whether furry or human had to ever suffer from this...
I never really fully talked about my beloved Taurus' illness, but seeing others talk made me want to reach out too. If you're reading this, just know that you're not alone in this horrible battle. Cancer really does affect everybody just like how a war would.
It had began at the end of August. My mom had gone on vacation, and I decided to stay home to take care of everything while she was away. Taurus seemed like her usual self. Always wanting to eat, cuddle, ect. Her typical self. Nothing out of the ordinary.
A few days had passed and I noticed she wasn't herself. She didn't want to be petted. Isolated herself. Avoided eye contact with me. Me and Taurus were best friends, pretty much inseperable so her demeanor was a shock to me! She still ate/drank perfectly fine and used her litter box.
I thought she was depressed from my mom being away on her trip. Her vet told me to buy her favorite cat food and treats to try to lift her spirits. Of course I did do this! I wanted to cheer her up.
Having yummy food and treats seemed to have done the trick for a few days. She looked like she was happier. She would come up to me, sit with me while I watched T.V., meowed her friendly meows. I even put the phone near her to hear my mom whenever she called to try to ease her depession. I had a weird feeling though- that feeling as if something bad is happening, but you can't figure out why. Yeah, that gnawing feeling that's in your stomach...
I awoke to a 'thud' one morning, which terrified me out of my sleep! Looking down from my bed, I saw Taurus. She was just sitting, looking a little spaced out. I thought she had jumped off from my bed like she always did, but was still depressed and didn't want to move right away. I petted her only to hear a yowl. It scared me considering how Taurus enjoyed attention.
I took her to the vet that afternoon. I explained my concerns. Her vital signs were completely fine. Bloodwork was normal too. She was healthy. She was prescibed three days worth of medicine though to see if it helped with anything minor. Her diagnosis was still depression. I thought she just missing my mom a lot more as her trip was two weeks long.
She took the medicine. Nothing changed. I thought it would be a 'wait and see' scenario. A few days later I noticed that she had a slight head tilt, and one of her pupils looked slightly more dialated. She was also losing her appetite and began to act lethargic, sitting in one spot for a majority of the day. Yowled more when I tried to pick her up or pet her. No longer wanted to play...
That gnawing feeling grew more when I noticed Taurus walking strange. She criss-crossed her forearms and her back legs looked spread. Her vet was closed that day so I called another vet. I explained what was happening and the words spoken to me made my heart sink.
"Something is probably affecting her neurologically"
I took her to the clinic. I didn't know what was going on with her. I thought Taurus had lost her sight as she looked like she couldn't track her toy when I tried to play with her the night before. The vet assured me she could see, but the news wasn't what I wanted to hear. It was assumed that she either had a stroke or a brain tumor.
The vet told me she would need imaging done for a proper diagnosis. It would be expensive. If Taurus did have a stroke, chances were that I'd see improvement over the next 24-48 hours. On the other hand, if she got worse then a tumor was more likely.
I took her home. I placed her in the bathroom where she could access her litterbox. I didn't want her to have to venture throughout the house so I had her food/water there too. I put a blanket down for her to be comfy.
To my surprise, she let me hold her. She yowled, but didn't try to leave me. I told her I loved her as I petted her. I felt her go limp in my arms. Worried, I laid her down. She yowled again and began convulsing.
Petrified, I called my mom. I cried telling her I thought she was dying on the bathroom floor. I petted her, telling her she could let go if it was her time. She stopped convulsing, but to my surprise she was still hanging on, but she couldn't move.
I rushed back to the vet. I didn't know why she was deteriorating so fast. It was within 3 hours of the visit that it seemed like everything was going downhill so, so fast...
Turned out Taurus was convulsing because she had a seizure. She wasn't going to get any better. The vet told me I could give her a steroid injection to help try to prevent seizures and to keep her comfy. It was not a cure, but palliative care. The other choice was eunthanizing her.
I could tell that Taurus was miserable. She had a glossy look in her eyes and her coat looked poor. Her fur was beginning to fall out and the seizure paralyzed her back legs. My mom wanted her to have the shot so that she could see her and then put her to sleep. She would be home in two days, but once again, the gnawing feeling made me think she wouldn't live in time.
My mom didn't want to euthanize her while she was still on her trip, but after I told her how sick she was and that she wasn't thriving, my mom agreed. At first I didn't want to see her get the injection. I'm not a brave person...I can't handle certain situations as it triggers my anxiety and ptsd. I didn't want Taurus to be alone though. I was her only family as nobody else went to the clinic with me.
I decided to be there for her. I wouldn't have been able to forgive myself to just leave her alone in an exam room. I didn't want to have regret...They sedated her. I played music for her and said my goodbyes. She passed peacefully. I thought it would be traumatizing, but it wasn't. There was no pain. No suffering. It really was like going to sleep.
The vet was very compassionate. She told me I did what was best for her. She even opened up to me about how her own cat had the same illness before passing away. I couldn't help but feel touched. She told my mom over the phone not to worry about the fees for the visit and that they'd work it out when she got home.
Taurus' loss was excruciating for me. It's been a little over two weeks, but the pain is still there. I miss her so much. I have some good days, but the bad days really drag me down. I still have regrets and 'what ifs'. I always wonder if I had noticed things sooner would the outcome be different? Would my mom have been able to see her to say goodbyes? Did I not do enough?
I beat myself up over it...I try to tell myself I ended her suffering but the guilt of not being able to save her still haunts me heavily.
I hate cancer. It took my best friend away from me so soon...
Registered: 1470406572 Posts: 310
Reply with quote #2
Alli, you can post as much as you want. Post, post, post. When you feel alone come here. You are not alone in this pain. Your story broke my heart reading it. I am so sorry for your loss. We all know what you are going through. You did everything you could for your baby. Hold onto the peace you felt. Hold onto all the memories. We all are trying to do the same. My baby didn't give me a chance. He was my baby golden Tony who just died on me in the night. Monday will be 8 weeks. I know the heartache. We all do. Taurus will always be by your side! Always in your heart! Nothing will break that love...
Registered: 1473833386 Posts: 76
Reply with quote #3
Originally Posted by
Jody Alli, you can post as much as you want. Post, post, post. When you feel alone come here. You are not alone in this pain. Your story broke my heart reading it. I am so sorry for your loss. We all know what you are going through. You did everything you could for your baby. Hold onto the peace you felt. Hold onto all the memories. We all are trying to do the same. My baby didn't give me a chance. He was my baby golden Tony who just died on me in the night. Monday will be 8 weeks. I know the heartache. We all do. Taurus will always be by your side! Always in your heart! Nothing will break that love...
Thank you so much. I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sure Tony felt all of your love and had a great life with you. You are so strong for dealing with your grief for so long. Sunday will be three weeks for me. I like to think that our pets are watching us from the rainbow bridge! Your words are really comforting. Thank you again! I'm truly touched.
Registered: 1496426269 Posts: 185
Reply with quote #4
Thank you for the post. It made me cry, for both your Taurus and my Satin Marie, who lost her battle with Mast Cell Tumors on June 1, 2017. It's been a month today since she left me and I still cry, every day, several times a day. Yes, cancer does suck. I miss my baby girl so much. I've had to say good bye to three other fur babies in the past but this time around is especially difficult for me. My prayers are with you and everyone here and I know I am not alone here, which helps tremendously.