jmlo

I have a little kitty her name is Zoie Zo, I love her very very MUCHO!

I love you more than you will ever know. I hope you always felt it. I hope I did not fail you. I hope you never felt pain, sadness, or fear. I hope I gave you everything you needed and a life as complete as you made mine. I miss you baby girl. I miss you so much that my heart is breaking for you, or more for me because you are not in my life anymore. I still see you out of the corner or my eye, only to realize with a second blink that you are gone. I wish that it’s all a dream, that I will pull back the curtains to find you on your window sill looking out onto the world and sunbathing. Shiloh and Harlem have been looking for you two, even Andre misses you. It’s hard to even vacuum the curtains ( I know it sounds ridiculous because I’m close to OCD), but cleaning your fur off the couch or anywhere where you liked to lay feels like you are not in the house anymore, as if we are disposing of your last remains. Your ashes will be home soon, but thinking of it makes me angry because I cannot cuddle up with you. There is no more beautiful fur, or those piercing lovely eyes to look at me and tell me all I need to know without a single spoken word. You gave me 15 amazing, unforgettable years and I feel so selfish, and guilty. It all happened so fast, you were you spunky still putting the dog in a corner and within 4 short days your body just deteriorated. I wanted to be with you more than you know this past weekend, and hold even more guilt for that, but our engagement party was set and many people were traveling to see us. The family asked if I wanted to bring you with me, but I knew it would be to stressful for you. I thought when we returned the next day you would already be gone, but you waited for me. I probably didn't even deserve that much for leaving you. When I saw you I just covered you in kisses, but you were too far gone. We both hoped you would have another night with us, but you were just too weak baby. You could barely take two steps; such a huge, significant change in 24 hours. I sang to you, and I told Andre he needed to call the emergency Vet, I knew what had to be done. Yet, more than anything I just wanted a miracle.  I wouldn't put you in a carrier for your last moments, so I put a blanket in the dryer to make it warm for you and scooped you up in my arms never wanting to let you go. The sun was on your face the whole ride to the Vet and a few times you meowed your angry meow, because you hate cars oh so much. I never said goodbye Zo, I just couldn't, and I knew I couldn't. We were with you the whole time until I told you “Goodnight, sweet dreams, and I love you”. I’m sorry I couldn't look into your eyes after I just had to get out, you still looked so alive. However, I thank the Vet for being so sweet with you because she carried you out like you were her own.

There are so many more stories, ones that are much happier and I promise to relieve all of those in my memory and on here. But, I just have to get the guilt and the heartache out first. It’s all so consuming. You are so loved Zoie, and Mommy misses you so very very much! 

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Olivia_77
Very precious.  I understand your loss and pain. 
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Gertie
jmlo wrote:

I have a little kitty her name is Zoie Zo, I love her very very MUCHO!

I love you more than you will ever know. I hope you always felt it. I hope I did not fail you. I hope you never felt pain, sadness, or fear. I hope I gave you everything you needed and a life as complete as you made mine. I miss you baby girl. I miss you so much that my heart is breaking for you, or more for me because you are not in my life anymore. I still see you out of the corner or my eye, only to realize with a second blink that you are gone. I wish that it’s all a dream, that I will pull back the curtains to find you on your window sill looking out onto the world and sunbathing. Shiloh and Harlem have been looking for you two, even Andre misses you. It’s hard to even vacuum the curtains ( I know it sounds ridiculous because I’m close to OCD), but cleaning your fur off the couch or anywhere where you liked to lay feels like you are not in the house anymore, as if we are disposing of your last remains. Your ashes will be home soon, but thinking of it makes me angry because I cannot cuddle up with you. There is no more beautiful fur, or those piercing lovely eyes to look at me and tell me all I need to know without a single spoken word. You gave me 15 amazing, unforgettable years and I feel so selfish, and guilty. It all happened so fast, you were you spunky still putting the dog in a corner and within 4 short days your body just deteriorated. I wanted to be with you more than you know this past weekend, and hold even more guilt for that, but our engagement party was set and many people were traveling to see us. The family asked if I wanted to bring you with me, but I knew it would be to stressful for you. I thought when we returned the next day you would already be gone, but you waited for me. I probably didn't even deserve that much for leaving you. When I saw you I just covered you in kisses, but you were too far gone. We both hoped you would have another night with us, but you were just too weak baby. You could barely take two steps; such a huge, significant change in 24 hours. I sang to you, and I told Andre he needed to call the emergency Vet, I knew what had to be done. Yet, more than anything I just wanted a miracle.  I wouldn't put you in a carrier for your last moments, so I put a blanket in the dryer to make it warm for you and scooped you up in my arms never wanting to let you go. The sun was on your face the whole ride to the Vet and a few times you meowed your angry meow, because you hate cars oh so much. I never said goodbye Zo, I just couldn't, and I knew I couldn't. We were with you the whole time until I told you “Goodnight, sweet dreams, and I love you”. I’m sorry I couldn't look into your eyes after I just had to get out, you still looked so alive. However, I thank the Vet for being so sweet with you because she carried you out like you were her own.

There are so many more stories, ones that are much happier and I promise to relieve all of those in my memory and on here. But, I just have to get the guilt and the heartache out first. It’s all so consuming. You are so loved Zoie, and Mommy misses you so very very much! 

Thinking of you at this sad time. What a beautiful face your little kitty had. Hug's to you, Gertie
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jmlo
Thank you so much, it's been a rough few days, my only relief has been work. Although, I found joy doing little acts of kindness in Zoie's name today whether it was giving my change to the homeless on the streets, or just lowering my intolerance of those manic drivers on the road who stress me out. And, Gertie I must agree she has the sweetest most beautiful face, I know! The cutest squishy face too, when she loved to get kisses on her nose. Being at home now is the most difficult time, just trying to give the puppy and my other kitty plenty of love; they just don't want to cuddle with me like my baby and it makes it lonely.
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JRsMom
Reading about your Zoie and how much you love and miss her broke my heart open all over again. I lost my sweet horse JR on September 10th, after 16 years together. Finding my way through this terrible grief has been absolutely awful. I am so grateful for all the wonderful people here who have written to me and shared their caring, compassion, stories, and wisdom. Without them, I don't know how I would have made it through this at all. Keep coming back and writing about your precious Zoie. It will help you and others, too, who share your deep sadness. I am so very sorry for your loss. 

Sending you good thoughts for peace and healing.

JRs Mom
Brooke
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jmlo
Thank you Brooke, and I will keep you and JR in my thoughts also! I am in a lala land of grieving for 15 minutes and numb the rest of the day not even knowing what love is. I am so unsure of myself. I am trying to trust myself, that my brain knows when it is time to cry again, but today the numbness has outweighed the sadness and guilt. My fiance says I am doing better than he thought I would but, I know it's just a matter of time and I'm in protective mode. I even told him one night in an argument months and months ago that Zoie knew me better than he did (haha), so the pain I know is coming. Yet, it scares me knowing she won't be here for that moment to cuddle and talk to as it will be her that I will be grieving for. I hate to say this and it makes me feel like a horrible person but this process has been harder the past 4 days than it was loosing my grandmother a few years ago who was there for me since I was born. A roller coaster of uncertainty of not knowing how I feel or why.
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