Forum
Sign up Calendar Latest Topics
 
 
 


Reply
  Author   Comment   Page 5 of 10     «   Prev   2   3   4   5   6   7   8   Next   »
JaspersMom

Avatar / Picture

Registered:
Posts: 421
Reply with quote  #61 
Quote:
Originally Posted by ahartofilis
Jaspers Mom,
            Your words couldn't be any more true!" We help them to find their light, as we are left in darkness." Sometimes it does seem like there is a lot of darkness where our precious babies once were. I know how hard the loss of Jingles must be for you. He was your flame taking you into a new life, your last lovely kitty, you love and reassurance. That's what Ben was for me. He was with me when I lost Coco, when I lost Vadie, when I lost my Mom, my 28 year old Nephew. Ben was the most courageous cat ever. He stood up to the paws swiping and intimidation of two big dogs to be by my side, and he was, to the very end.
             My guilt was tremendous my friend. I should have seen signs of his failing health sooner. I should have had the funds to get the tests needed. I thought he would pull through as he did in the past. I know you feel all these things about Jingles. Yet you are facing it and I firmly believe in facing grief, no matter how painful it may be. This forum was my savior and I think you know that. Loosing my special girl Coco was the most devastating time of death dealing grief ever!  Being here, in this loving place was the best thing for me. The thing is, as we know, guilt only serves to delay healing and can complicate grief on many levels. Its so imperative to deal with the guilt early and I know you are. I am so sorry Jaspers Mom. I can tell you not to feel guilty but it is normal and part of the process. Its one of the hardest things to move beyond. Being here helps a lot with that. 
         I totally agree in doing things to keep our special ones close to us. I have Bens ashes in the dining room. Can you believe I still haven't brought him into my bedroom to be near me and Coco? I still feel that I cant totally accept him that way, as ashes. Sometimes I think it does take longer as we get older and face yet another loss. You are in my prayers and thoughts friend. I know I will face more loss in the future with Rudy and Lola. I cant even imagine. My dogs are such a big part of my life and heart. I do feel that God has his timing, his reasons for how things happen in life. Please let this comfort you my friend. Jingles is wrapped in his loving arms now. Having faith is believing in what we cannot see. It is so difficult isn't it? Hugs to you my friend.


Dear Andrea,
Thank you for your sweet words so filled with warmth and kindness. You really do understand the sadness I am feeling, as you went through this with your Ben. He was by your side through so many unimaginable and tragic events, keeping you strong, and helping you to carry on. He was there for you through such devastating events, and I know without a doubt, how strong he kept you, and how much he loved you. Ben sounds so wonderful, so brave and courageous, never letting anything or anyone keep him away from you. He was a very special kitty, just like your kitty Vadie, and of course your beautiful doggie Coco. Your Ben sounds so much like my Jingles, nothing could stand in his way in keeping him apart from you.  

I do feel such guilt about my boy. Maybe I should not have moved here, but I thought it would be the best thing for him and me. We had been to the vets so many times, and tried so many medications, and I put him through so many tests, just to have them come out inconclusive. He was always so up and down with his weight, but the last time he was at the doctor, they said he was just a very old kitty, and that sometimes when they reach a certain age, there is nothing you can do, but love them. They called it the little old man syndrome. The one thing I do not feel guilty for is subjecting him to more testing, which always used to stress him out so much, and the meds they prescribed him often made him sicker than before he took them. I promised him that I would never put him through that again, and I kept my promise.

But maybe I should not have taken him out of his familiar environment, but he was here with me, in a beautiful and lovely home, safe, warm, and loved, and it is very quiet here, as it was in the old place. He was not subjected to any stress such as loud noises or extremes in temperatures. He was in the best place possible, an even better place than he had come from. So maybe all that guilt of me bringing him here needs to be put into a virtual bag, and thrown into the river. I know that sounds dramatic, but that is how I feel. I did my very best for him, and I always put him first, and I know that when he found his light, that he felt so cherished, and so loved. No matter what, that is what is most important, he knew and he knows how much he is loved.

 I did my best for him, it was always about him. When I was at work, I would often bring him special little surprises home, especially food to perk up his appetite. I would have sold my car or my house to have saved him, but he had been failing for some time. I think he was really happy here, safe, secure, and warm, so I need to quit having these thoughts that it was because I moved here. He had been failing for quite some time, but I kept him going. I think he was just so tired, and his little body just started shutting down. You know they can only go so long, and according to my vet, in human years, he was in his 90's. I never thought I would tell him it was okay to go, but I could not bear to see him struggle. I am so glad I had that talk with him a few months ago before we moved here. I told him that he was my best boy ever, and that if we were ever separated, to come find me in my dreams. I told him that I would search for him and call his name in my dreams, and to please come and find me. We would find each other again. I know he heard me, and I know that I will see him again when he is ready, on his timetable, and they always seem to have perfect timing.

But you are so right about that terrible five letter word that creeps into our very existence, and tries to permeate our sweet memories, and takes everything out of perspective. Guilt is one of the worst things to ever have to deal with, and I have been slowly pushing those guilty feelings away as best as I can, because I know I did everything for my baby to keep him happy, keep him comfortable, and keep him healthy. I just have to realize that they don't last forever, nothing lasts forever. Eventually, everyone will have to join this sad club that no one wants to belong to. Our beloved pets do not live as long as we do, and it is heartbreaking, but everyone must go through it. But it seems that just when I am getting my strength back from one loss, I am hit with another one. I just miss him so much.

This was not supposed to happen. This was supposed to be our new life together. We came on this journey together, and now he is no longer here. I hate it here now, because he died here. I know that is so wrong, and I know that statement is totally irrational, but that is just how I feel. I am so grateful for the many wonderful years that Jingles and I had together, but I suppose that when grief rears it's ugly head, you say things that you will not feel a few months from now. I just feel that all of the colors have gone out of my world, as I suppose they have, since the little love and light of my life is no longer here. I will get them back one day, I just know I will, and my beautiful boy would want that for me. I never want his legacy to be one of sadness and sorrow, but of sweetness and love.

No matter how you have to say goodbye to your dear little one, the guilt will always be there. I felt it when I had to euthanize my special boy Jasper at the young age of 7, I felt it when I thought maybe I should have let Pootie Tang go sooner, so she would not have taken it upon herself to leave my home, and find her light. And I felt it as my Jingles lay in my arms, taking his last breaths. I wish that I had had time to take him to the vets, but when all is said and done, and I look back, he went so quickly, less than a half hour. So the bottom line is, however we let them go, be it by the doctor's hand, or them walking out to wander off to find their rainbow, or what is called a natural death, it is never good, and it is never right, and we always want something better for them, something more peaceful, something less traumatic.  I am grateful I was there for him, and that he was in my arms, but watching him those last moments just took the breath right out of me. I had to try to come up for air literally, it was so very sad. I think sometimes you can literally sink into your grief, and when you do, it is not easy coming back.

So I will keep on keeping on, and I will try to sort out all of these feelings of mine. I saw a photo of what someone thought grief looked like with a straight line, so organized with the different stages, one right after the other. But then I saw a photo of what grief is really like, a bunch of squiggly lines, crisscrossing each other every which way, haphazardly, with no rhyme or reason. It is chaotic, and it is all over the place, and they hit the nail on the head with that one. Grief is hard, grief is chaotic, and grief is all over the place. It is like waves crashing upon the shore, sometimes one will take you out to the middle of the ocean, and when that happens, you just need to swim, and fight, and keep your head above water. That is just what I am doing right now, fighting to keep my head above water, that is what my sweet boy would have wanted me to do. 

My son is coming here from Maryland on Sunday to see me, and we will have lunch together. I am really looking forward to spending time with him, because we are so close. I love my two daughters with all of my heart, and they have been so good to me and so supportive, but my son, well he is my person, if you know what I mean. He has always been there for me, through heck and high water, and he has never let me down, and he understands me, as no one else can. So I know that when I see him, my tears are going to come, but they will be happy tears, because I have missed him so much. I know I will want to go back with him, but I cannot right now, because I am going to stay here and try to make it work. That is what Jingles would have wanted. Jingles had and has such an indomitable spirit, and I never want to let him down by just giving up. I need to be strong and make him proud, and do this for him, and do this for me. So I do think that seeing my son on Sunday is going to do me a world of good. He could not come at a better time to help me sort things out. I am going to cherish every moment of his visit, but it will be so hard to say goodbye. But I know he will be back again soon, so that is what I will be counting on. Just thinking about spending the day with him makes me smile, something I have not been able to do since I lost my baby.

I can understand how you still have your Ben's ashes in the dining room, because you just could not totally accept him that way. It took me a while to bring my Jasper's ashes into my bedroom, because it was not the way I wanted him to be. But now that little box gives me such comfort and peace, and I touch it in the mornings, and the in the evenings, and when I do, such a calm comes over me. So I do know that picking up Jingle's ashes will be a very hard day for me, but still he will be back home with me, where he belongs. I was never able to get little Pootie Tang's ashes, but she has a memorial here with photos, her little blanket, and I know that her spirit is here with me always and forever. Picking up my boy's ashes will be bittersweet for sure, because the reality hits you really hard then, but still, you have that little remembrance of them, and I will have his dear little pawprint and a lock of his fur. It is just somewhat of a comfort, as we have never been separated before.

Thank you again my sweet friend for putting everything into perspective for me, and for your understanding and compassion which is almost surreal. I know we have never met, but you understand me and how I am feeling even more than I do sometimes. Like I said before, I may feel like that big wave crashing upon the shore is going to take me out with it, but I thank you for the lifeline you have thrown to me, time and time again, to keep my head above water, and pull me back to shore. I know that Jingles would want nothing less than for me to be happy and content in our sweet and precious memories. He would not want to see me sinking into my grief in despair and hopelessness. I am going to try to be strong, for him, for Jasper, for Pootie Tang, and for me. Thank you my dear friend so much for your encouragement, and for giving me hope in my heart that I can do this, I can make it through this, and I will. Your wonderful words have helped me more than you will ever know. This storm cannot and will not last forever. I am so grateful to you Andrea, thank you for caring and for being here, and most of all. thank you for the lifeline. Hugs to you my sweet friend, JaspersMom


__________________
Pamela Lynne Crawford
0
CaseyM

Registered:
Posts: 20
Reply with quote  #62 
Wish I could take all of this away, my pain too, the rollercoaster of bein ok to balling your eyes out, reddined all day & night sucks bigtime, I know things do get better and our Lord has planned all of this even if it hurts, please keep talkin to caring people,write down feelings too! I read all of these stories and pick up your pain along with my own. I don't personally know you guys but I love you none the less. Be Strong, be brave, help others in anyway you possibly can, it makes you stronger & a better human being. Sincerely Casey D Mittleider
0
Shark88

Registered:
Posts: 66
Reply with quote  #63 
The pain and sorrow of losing our very best friend goes very very deep.    Most, if not all, on this
thread, continue to go through the deeps waters of trials and tribulations associated with the loss
of one of our closet family members.   Just know that God cares for his creation; He was there
when Jingles took his first breath, and He was there when He took his final breath.
Take comfort in knowing that The Lord will see you through this difficult time in your life and
He does care for you and He cared for Jingles...who is no longer suffering. 
0
ahartofilis

Registered:
Posts: 1,316
Reply with quote  #64 
Jasper’s Mom, you have all the right to feel the ‘Chaotic grief’ as you so well described, at this time so shortly after your dear Jingles Loss. It never makes sense, and yes, guilt never completely leaves the picture. I’m so sorry you hate where you are now although I completely understand. I’m almost certain emotions may change with time. Or they may not which may send you on another adventure.
Your words bring back how things went with Vadie. When I adopted Rudy it was very difficult for Vadie. I could see how with each passing day he withdrew and looked as though he had lost his place with me. It was heart wrenching my friend and to this day I feel a sense of guilt about adopting a young and powerful pup like Rudy. But I cannot change it and I know that Rudy was meant to be with me. I suppose the point being that we often blame something when it really wasn’t the main problem. Not to say that it wasn’t a contributor.
Jingles had a full and wonderful life with you. Don’t doubt that for one minute!! I know that moving to another home may have unsettled him a bit but I also know that you did all in your power to keep him as stress free as possible. Like you wrote, it doesn’t matter how they leave us because it always hurts the same.
I hope you enjoy the time with your son my friend. Healing comes in sporadic ways as well. I know you are pushing on. It isn’t any easier with all the recent changes in your life. I totally get that, on so many levels! You give me a way to release and reason on things as well!! I’m in your corner dear Lady!!! Hugs to you!! With Love!!
0
JaspersMom

Avatar / Picture

Registered:
Posts: 421
Reply with quote  #65 
Quote:
Originally Posted by CaseyM
Wish I could take all of this away, my pain too, the rollercoaster of bein ok to balling your eyes out, reddined all day & night sucks bigtime, I know things do get better and our Lord has planned all of this even if it hurts, please keep talkin to caring people,write down feelings too! I read all of these stories and pick up your pain along with my own. I don't personally know you guys but I love you none the less. Be Strong, be brave, help others in anyway you possibly can, it makes you stronger & a better human being. Sincerely Casey D Mittleider


Dear CaseyM,
Thank you so much for your very kind words, and please forgive my late reply, as I had to step away for a bit. My grief was just so intense, I had to try to push it away, deep down, and thus felt so numb, but still numb is better than despair, but eventually those strong feelings of grief will bubble up to the surface, and  I know that it is not good or healthy to repress those feelings, and they do have to come out, so I am going to try to bring everything out again, as painful as it may be.

I do know that things will get better, and that the Lord is with me and will help to carry me through. There have been times when I did not think I could go on, and then a message would come up on my computer, such as "You may feel that you are overwhelmed, and that you are drowning, but the Lord will help you to keep your head above water, and he will never let you go under'. I had written almost the same exact words in a post here, so I know who it was from, and I know it was for me, and it gave me such an incredible peace and comfort. I know that God is in control here, and that He will never, ever let me down.

Thank you again for your beautiful and caring words to be strong, to be brave, and to help others in anyway we possibly can. Those are words to live by, and my sweet Jingles would not want me to live any other way. It will make me stronger, and a better human being, and it will make my sweet boy so proud of me. I have always been very empathetic and have always felt things so very deeply, sometimes too much so, but I suppose that is better than not caring. I know that you can never care too much, and you can never love too much. I loved and love my beautiful boy more than all the stars in the sky, and I know he can still feel that love. I just need to keep walking forward with faith and hope in my heart. I know that brighter days are ahead, and I will be able to celebrate his life, and all of the sweetness and love he left behind. I just need to take it one step at a time. Take care and I wish you peace and comfort in the days ahead. I thank you for reaching out to me, and I so appreciate your warm and wonderful words, which have helped so much to begin to heal my broken heart. JaspersMom







__________________
Pamela Lynne Crawford
0
JaspersMom

Avatar / Picture

Registered:
Posts: 421
Reply with quote  #66 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shark88
The pain and sorrow of losing our very best friend goes very very deep.    Most, if not all, on this
thread, continue to go through the deeps waters of trials and tribulations associated with the loss
of one of our closet family members.   Just know that God cares for his creation; He was there
when Jingles took his first breath, and He was there when He took his final breath.
Take comfort in knowing that The Lord will see you through this difficult time in your life and
He does care for you and He cared for Jingles...who is no longer suffering. 



Dear Shark88,
Thank you so much for your very kind and thoughtful words, and please forgive my late reply, as I just had to step away from the forum for a bit. Sometimes it is just too painful, sometimes it is just so hard to pour your heart out, and feel all the pain and the sadness all over again. Your words are beautiful and so healing when you say that God was there when my Jingles took his first breath, and that he was there when he took his last breath. I really do know that, but sometimes that truth gets blurred when you are in the throes of grief and sadness, sometimes you cannot see the forest for the trees, and sometimes you cannot see God, when he is actually right there beside you. I know that He is right here beside me, carrying me when I fall, and lifting me up when I feel that I cannot go on. 

I really do know that the Lord will see me through this difficult time and that he loves my Jingles as much as I do, and was with him every step of the way on his journey. It is just so hard to be separated from my dear little kitty who was with me for seventeen years, it feels so bad, it feels so wrong, and sometimes I feel so all alone, but deep down, I know I am not. I do know that God is in control, and He does not make mistakes, and everything that He does is right, and good, and that I have to put my trust in His plan for my future. I know my sweet baby is not suffering anymore, and for that I am so thankful. I am also so thankful for having had so many beautiful and precious years with him. I so appreciate your reaching out to me with your wonderful words that have truly helped me to have hope in my heart and faith in my soul, to make it through another day without the little love of my life.

__________________
Pamela Lynne Crawford
0
JaspersMom

Avatar / Picture

Registered:
Posts: 421
Reply with quote  #67 
Quote:
Originally Posted by ahartofilis
Jasper’s Mom, you have all the right to feel the ‘Chaotic grief’ as you so well described, at this time so shortly after your dear Jingles Loss. It never makes sense, and yes, guilt never completely leaves the picture. I’m so sorry you hate where you are now although I completely understand. I’m almost certain emotions may change with time. Or they may not which may send you on another adventure.
Your words bring back how things went with Vadie. When I adopted Rudy it was very difficult for Vadie. I could see how with each passing day he withdrew and looked as though he had lost his place with me. It was heart wrenching my friend and to this day I feel a sense of guilt about adopting a young and powerful pup like Rudy. But I cannot change it and I know that Rudy was meant to be with me. I suppose the point being that we often blame something when it really wasn’t the main problem. Not to say that it wasn’t a contributor.
Jingles had a full and wonderful life with you. Don’t doubt that for one minute!! I know that moving to another home may have unsettled him a bit but I also know that you did all in your power to keep him as stress free as possible. Like you wrote, it doesn’t matter how they leave us because it always hurts the same.
I hope you enjoy the time with your son my friend. Healing comes in sporadic ways as well. I know you are pushing on. It isn’t any easier with all the recent changes in your life. I totally get that, on so many levels! You give me a way to release and reason on things as well!! I’m in your corner dear Lady!!! Hugs to you!! With Love!!


Hi Andrea,
Thank you again for another lovely post so filled with the words that I needed to hear. I am so sorry for my late reply, but I had to step away for a bit. It is like the numbness of it all had set in, and I could no longer write. JaspersMom, with all the words, who could always write like the wind, for once in her life, had no words. I would sometimes wake up in the middle of the night trying to catch my breath. I know I wrote that I hated it where I am living now, but that is such a strong word for me to use. I don't really hate it here, I hate it that my sweet boy died here. Grief is such a powerful emotion, and I would never even think of using that word,  but when you are in the throes of grieving, you have to say what you mean, and I know not to repress my thoughts and feelings. This is really not such a bad place, everyone is really very kind, but since I lost my Jingles here, is it tainted forever, I think not. I just have to let time do it's work, and they say that time heals all wounds, well this one is very deep, but I do know that my family, my friends, and God will help to see me through. I may even learn to love it here, but it is going to take some time. I know that life is what you make it, and I do not want to live my life with such negativity, that is so not me, and I would never want that to reflect back on my Jingles, who was such a beacon of sweetness and light.  

I do know that Jingles had a long and wonderful life, and that he knew nothing but love and happiness. So many pets never find that. I do know the move may have unsettled him a bit, but he was eating so well up until his last few days. He had seemed to adjust and acclimate quite well to his surroundings which were quiet and low stress, and he slept so well and seemed so comfortable. He always loved his naps, but I do think that his age and time took him away from me. His body had started to shut down, and I do believe that there is nothing I could do to stop it. And he went so quickly, I know I spoke of the last hour, but as I sit here and recall, it was much faster than that, it did not even take a half hour. I was holding him in my room, and my daughter was warming up the car to take him to the veterinary emergency clinic, but he died in my arms. I had always promised him that unless he was in pain, that he would cross the bridge at home, with me holding him, and I kept true to my word. And as much as it hurt and devastated me, I am thankful I was with him. I know he looked up at me when he took his last breath, and I know he saw me, and I know he felt my love, and that is all that matters. I would have traded places with him in a heartbeat, all I wanted was tot take his struggle on, but then he would have been left without me. I have often thought that maybe you can care too much, maybe you can love too much, maybe you can feel things way too deeply, but then again, what else is there? From the moment I laid eyes on him as a tiny little kitten, I fell in love with him, and there was no going back.

Thank you for telling me the story about Vadie and Rudy, that really touched my heart as I know how painful it must have been for you. They both knew how very much you loved them, but that guilt really seemed to sneak up on you, just like it did me, just like it does us all. I think that guilt is the worst of all the stages we go through, and I see that you made it through, and I know that eventually I will too. I have come to terms with the fact that I did everything in my power to keep my boy happy and healthy, and that he left this earth, knowing without a single doubt that he was so cherished and he was so loved. Your Rudy was so meant to be with you, just as Jingles and I were meant to move here. I do believe in wise choices, but I also believe in destiny. We can rage, we can cry, we can sit complacently by and give up, or we can go on. I want to try to go on, even though I am hurting. You are so right that we often blame something even though it was not the problem when guilt rears it's ugly head, and if we have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about, we will often find something.

I had such a wonderful and happy day with my son who I have missed so very much. We talked, we laughed, and I just did not want the time to end. I could actually feel those tiny, shattered pieces of my heart starting to come together again. I love all my children so dearly, but he and I have always had a special connection, and he understands me like no one else does. He is my person, and I am so grateful to have him in my life.  There is nothing that I would not do for him, and I know he feels the same way. He is always there for me, and I could not ask for a sweeter or more caring son, so I am truly blessed. He always tells me what a good mom I was to my Jingles, and how happy and content he always looked. Jingles did not warm up to too many people, but he loved my son. He would always nap when other family members would come by, but when my son showed up, well there was Jingles, wanting to be a part of every moment. I think he could even feel the mother son bond, and the love between us.

Thank you again Andrea for your warm and wonderful words which have always helped me more than you will ever know. I am getting there, I just need to take one step at a time. At least I am able to write again, as writing is so important to me, and I always want to let everyone know about my very special kitty, and how much he mattered, and what a difference he made in my life and my world. I fell in love with him from day one, and he will always and forever have my heart. 

What would I do without you my dear friend, your posts always seem to lift me up and let me know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I made it through that cold, dark tunnel and found that light twice, and I am hoping and praying that with time, I will be able to see it once again, and come out on the other side, and be the kind of person that my Jingles would want me to be. Thank you Andrea for caring, thank you for being there, thank you for showing me that there is a little light in the darkness, and thank you for not letting me stop until I find it. With love and friendship, JaspersMom



__________________
Pamela Lynne Crawford
0
JaspersMom

Avatar / Picture

Registered:
Posts: 421
Reply with quote  #68 

This will be my first birthday in seventeen years that we have not been together. I only have one wish for this day, but I know that it cannot happen. I just want you back. I don't want these memories my sweet baby, I want you. I will never forget our very first day together, you were such a tiny little kitten, and you melted my heart, and as much as I tried not to get attached, I fell in love with you from day one, and there was no going back. Thank you for so many beautiful and happy years, thank you for so many bright and shiny days, but most of all, thank you for choosing me to be your mom. I could not be more grateful to have had you light up my world with your sweetness, your light, and your love. You will always and forever be my special boy.

jingles sunbeam two.jpg 



__________________
Pamela Lynne Crawford
0
155

Avatar / Picture

Registered:
Posts: 129
Reply with quote  #69 
JaspersMom
Oh I'm so sorry😔😔
Jingles is beautiful. There he is sitting in the sunlight.
I feel the same way. I don't want memories of my Henry. I just want him. I talk to him every single day and I say, ' My little Henry, you are suppose to be here.'

I know it's hard . They were with us all those years and then they're just gone. It still feels like a horribly bad dream.

You're birthday isn't a very happy one for you this year but I send my Best Wishes to you.

Thoughts and Prayers
Carol
0
Bailey15

Avatar / Picture

Registered:
Posts: 1,123
Reply with quote  #70 
Dear JaspersMom,
Happy Birthday!!! 🥳 I think that Jingles, along with your Jasper and PT, have been close by on your special day. I know that it is so difficult and is one of those “firsts” (without Jingles) that are so incredibly difficult!

Thinking of you and hoping you were able to enjoy at least a little bit of your day. Your three whiskered angels would have been cheering you on! 🌟🌟🌟
Hugs, MJ
I just had to edit and comment on your beautiful picture of Jingles! He would be proud to know he is spoken about and remembered with such love. ❤️
0
Purzel

Avatar / Picture

Registered:
Posts: 873
Reply with quote  #71 
Hi Jasper’s Mom,
 
Happy Birthday! I hope you have a lovely day with beautiful memories and sunshine. You sent such a lovely picture of sweet Jingles – thank you for sharing this.
 
Enjoy your special day and know that my good thoughts are with you.


__________________
Silvia (with Max forever in my heart)

[hundi]


0
JaspersMom

Avatar / Picture

Registered:
Posts: 421
Reply with quote  #72 
JaspersMom
Oh I'm so sorry😔😔
Jingles is beautiful. There he is sitting in the sunlight.
I feel the same way. I don't want memories of my Henry. I just want him. I talk to him every single day and I say, ' My little Henry, you are suppose to be here.'

I know it's hard . They were with us all those years and then they're just gone. It still feels like a horribly bad dream.

You're birthday isn't a very happy one for you this year but I send my Best Wishes to you.

Thoughts and Prayers
Carol[/QUOTE

Dear Carol,
Thank you so much for your sweet words about my boy. He loved his sunbeams, and could always find one, even on the cloudiest of days. I know that you understand how much I miss him, as you are going through the same feelings with your sweet Henry. That is wonderful how you talk to your little one every day, it does make such a difference to keep us connected to them. I speak to my Jingles every day also, and I wait so patiently to feel his presence. I remember feeling Jasper's presence all around me, especially for the first few weeks, but sadly, I don't feel that yet with my Jingles. Oh what I would give for a sign, just to feel him again, and to know he is alright. I really do believe that the bond cannot be broken, but I am not sure about our spirit. I often feel so broken with this loss of my special boy, and I just want to fast forward to five years from now, maybe then the awful sadness and the ache in my heart will not be quite so painful.

I was devastated when I lost my dear kitty Jasper five years ago. He was not even 7 years old, so it was so hard, and I felt cheated out of so much time with him. I vividly remember the pain being somewhat different from my loss of my Jingles. I felt completely traumatized, and my tears fell like rain, and I literally felt like I was sinking into my grief. I know only one who has experienced the deep losses that we have could understand what I mean by that. I was totally and utterly consumed by my grief, but eventually, after much time, the raw pain subsided ever so slightly, and I could even talk about my baby without crying, but the sadness will always be there.

I have cried so many tears with having my Jingles take his last breath in my arms, and I think I am almost cried out now. I almost feel numb, which I suppose is a good thing, and I suppose it is just one of the stages of grief I am going through. I now feel like I have this dull ache in my heart that just will not go away. It is like an emptiness that I feel, and it also feels like part of me is missing. I just miss him so much, and I have not had any signs yet, but I am going to stay open and aware, and I know that if and when he is ready, he will come to let me know he is safe.

You are so right Carol, that they were with us for so many years, then all of a sudden, they are gone, and it does feel like a horribly bad dream. I just want to wake up and have him here again, and I know you must feel the same about your Henry. I would like to thank you for your nice birthday wishes, and that did mean so much to me. I tried to carry on the best that I could that day, but whenever anyone asked me if I got everything I wanted, I had to pause for a moment, and say not really, because all I wanted was to have my dear boy back home with me.

I know there are so many firsts I will have to go through, and I wish I was stronger, but I feel so weak and so tired sometimes. But to the world, I put on a façade of being brave, and being okay, when inside I am literally falling apart at times. I know that you can relate, as you are going through such sadness with the loss of your special boy. I know that it won't always be like this, but right now, it is just so hard, and it just feels so wrong.

Thank you for your lovely posts and kind words which have helped me more than you will ever know. You are in my thoughts and prayers for comfort and healing and for more hopeful days ahead with the sweet and wonderful memories of your baby Henry. They are really not that far away from us after all, just a breath and a heartbeat away, and every day that passes by, brings us one day closer to them. Thank you again Carol, for your wonderful words, and for your friendship, and for letting me know that I am not alone, it truly means the world to me. Hugs, JaspersMom

__________________
Pamela Lynne Crawford
0
JaspersMom

Avatar / Picture

Registered:
Posts: 421
Reply with quote  #73 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Purzel
Hi Jasper’s Mom,
 
Happy Birthday! I hope you have a lovely day with beautiful memories and sunshine. You sent such a lovely picture of sweet Jingles – thank you for sharing this.
 
Enjoy your special day and know that my good thoughts are with you.



Dear Silvia,
Thank you so much for your sweet birthday wishes, that really meant so much to me. It was a bittersweet day for sure, because the only thing I really wanted, I could not have. Still, your kind words helped me more than you will ever know. Your posts and kindness have always lifted me up and given me such hope in my heart. It really does help so much to know that I am not alone. This grief journey is a cold, long, and dark one, and is one that should never be walked alone.

 I sure do miss my Jingles. It just does not feel right around here without him, it just feels that there is always something missing. It actually feels like part of me is missing, and I suppose that when he crossed over, he did take a big piece of my heart right with him. I am so grateful though that I had him by my side for seventeen years, so many are not fortunate enough to have that precious time. He was and always will be the little love and light of my life.

I am just trying to stay strong and celebrate his life, that is what he would have wanted. I just miss him so much, and sometimes I wonder how I can exist in a world without him, and then I remember his beautiful spirit and his courage, and I know that I have to keep going, and celebrate his beautiful life, and all of the sweetness and love he left behind. He would not want to see me sink into despair and sadness, but to remember his legacy of love, a special and wonderful love that knows no bounds. Thank you again Silvia for always thinking of me, thank you for your sweet and caring words, and thank you most of all for your friendship. Hugs, JaspersMom

__________________
Pamela Lynne Crawford
0
JaspersMom

Avatar / Picture

Registered:
Posts: 421
Reply with quote  #74 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bailey15
Dear JaspersMom,
Happy Birthday!!! 🥳 I think that Jingles, along with your Jasper and PT, have been close by on your special day. I know that it is so difficult and is one of those “firsts” (without Jingles) that are so incredibly difficult!

Thinking of you and hoping you were able to enjoy at least a little bit of your day. Your three whiskered angels would have been cheering you on! 🌟🌟🌟
Hugs, MJ
I just had to edit and comment on your beautiful picture of Jingles! He would be proud to know he is spoken about and remembered with such love. ❤️


Dear MJ,
Thank you for your very sweet birthday wishes, and I so appreciate your thinking of me. You are so right that these firsts are so incredibly difficult, and I know that I will have to go through many more on my road to healing. I do think that my Jingles, my Jasper, and my PT were close by me on my special day, giving me a bit of comfort and peace. I also know that they are watching over me now. so I do want to make them as proud of me, as I am of them. This last loss of my Jingles has been so hard, and sometimes I feel just absolutely broken, but then something will happen to give me a little hope to keep on going.

I did try to enjoy some of my day, and I am fortunate that my family was with me, and they really gave me such strength and such support. I love how you wrote that my three whiskered angels would be cheering me on, what a heartwarming image that is, and I can so imagine my three little ones doing just that. I can just picture them in a circle of love, with their dear little paws up, cheering their mom on, and that brought me to tears, happy tears. Thank you for your kind words about my picture of Jingles, that is one of my very favorites, as he always loved his sunbeams, and he could always find one, even on the stormiest of days. I just know that he has all the bright and radiant sunbeams his little heart desires now, and I know he is not hurting anymore. I just miss him so much, more than words could ever say.

Thank you again MJ for your lovely post, which really made me smile, and helped me make it through a very bittersweet time. I have just been trying to surround myself with friends and family, and have been trying not to let this deep loss consume me. I know my dear boy would not want to see me sink into sadness and despair. His legacy is one of love and light, and I never want him to think that my memories of him would cause such sadness and despair. I know that with time, I will be able to celebrate his life, a life so well lived, and a life that brightened my world with his sweetness and love.

I also know this is going to take some time, but I have been trying to stay as strong as he always was. I know that he is with his brother Jasper and his little sister PT now, and he is healthy and strong now. I so appreciate your thinking of me, and taking the time to reach out to me. I hope you are well, and I am just so grateful for your wonderful words, and for your friendship. That really warmed my heart when you wrote how my boy would be so proud to be spoken about and remembered with such love. He was and is so loved and so missed. You always seem to know just the right words to say to make me feel so much better MJ, and I cannot thank you enough for that. Hugs to you, JaspersMom

__________________
Pamela Lynne Crawford
0
JaspersMom

Avatar / Picture

Registered:
Posts: 421
Reply with quote  #75 
It is so hard working at a pet store when you have had such a devastating loss. The customers come in with their beautiful pets so full of life, and then you have to go home to your dear little one in a small cedar box. It just seems so unfair and so very wrong. I do not begrudge them having healthy, happy fur babies, and never in my worst nightmares would I wish this incredible pain on them, but being in this situation just makes it so hard on me. I wish them nothing but the sweetness and love that my beautiful Jingles and I shared, still it is so difficult for me, because as far as my Jingles loss goes, I try to push it into the recesses of my heart and soul, at least while I am working, just for a little while, but it is almost impossible to do.

The questions keep coming, so many questions, and they so often bring me to tears. I know they do not mean any harm, and I know they ask these questions with the best of intentions, still it is becoming more and more difficult for me. I try to steel myself and be strong, but it seems to be a losing battle. "How is that kitty of yours doing'? "Do you have any pets?" "Have you tried this product, it is really good for senior cats, and I know yours might like it." On and on it goes, and I just want to almost go into a state of denial, and say everything is fine, and that my sweet little boy is doing well, just so I will not break down. Whenever I try to explain it to them, my eyes start filling with tears, I choke up, and I almost cannot continue, and then of course they feel uncomfortable for asking, and I feel bad for them, and then I try to divert the conversation to something not quite so emotional for me.

Even if I say that I cannot talk about it right now, it all seems to come back to me, and I remember him taking his last breath in my arms, and I feel as though I am going to have a complete melt down. That is why I was even thinking of just telling everyone who asks that he is fine and doing well, because he is I am sure, my little angel boy. Perhaps not good psychologically, as I do not want to go into a state of denial, but I feel that it is just somewhat of a protective mechanism to prevent myself from completely falling apart. Maybe when they ask, I will tell them that I have a wonderful kitty, because I still do, actually I have three beautiful and beloved babies. Jingles may not be physically here with me, but in every other sense he is. Maybe just until enough time passes by that I am able to talk about it without literally falling over the edge. And that is exactly where I feel I am at work, just standing on the edge of a cliff, and all it is going to take is one more well meaning question, and I will lose my balance, and fall into my grief. I also would never want them to feel sad because of their simple question of concern.

I remember after having had to say such a sad and unexpected goodbye to my Jasper, a few weeks later, his doctor who had administered the shot to help him cross over came in, and when she came to my line and realized who I was, it was obvious how hard and uncomfortable it was for her. I really did well, I did not fall apart, and I was just as kind and sweet to her, as she was to me, that cold dark February night. She was truly a lovely person and a wonderful doctor, with such a gentle demeanor. I was so proud of myself the way I handled it, because I was in the throes of the early days of such heavy grief, but I tried to put her first, and how she felt. My emotions are so precarious right now, and are all over the place, but I suppose that is to be expected after losing the little love and light of my life.

I know that this is real life, and I know that I cannot live in a protective bubble, but right now, I have to think about myself and keeping my emotions in check. I know my sweet boy is worth every single tear I shed for him, and so many more, but I just do not want to fall apart at my work, and begin crying uncontrollably. But if it happens, it happens, and I will never apologize for my tears, or for my sadness. For almost eighteen years, my special boy was part of my life, the best and sweetest part, and when he found his light, I found the darkness, and when he left, a part of me went with him.

 Grief is so individual, so hard, and so unpredictable. One day I feel that I am doing alright, and then the next day the pain and sadness comes back with a vengeance. It is almost like being in the middle of the ocean, and you finally are able to find your way back to shore, and you think you have your feet planted firmly on the sand, and then this rogue wave comes out of nowhere, and brings you right back out there again. I write and I write, and I pour my heart out hoping for some comfort, hoping for some peace, but then sometimes when I think I am making it through, I find myself right back at square one. I just miss my sweet little boy so much, and God only knows how much I love him.

__________________
Pamela Lynne Crawford
0
Previous Topic | Next Topic
Print
Reply

Quick Navigation:

Easily create a Forum Website with Website Toolbox.