I am SO sorry to hear about your loss. It's hard, I know. When I lost my Stormy back in May of last year, I didn't think I would ever recover, either. And in many ways, I still haven't. I've only recently gone through the first birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas without her. I still have yet to experience the first anniversary of her crossing the bridge. The only things that have truly helped me heal are my other pets, because they can definitely tell that Daddy isn't necessarily as happy as he used to be, and the people on this forum, who understand when I go through periods of talking every day, or even periods of silence (as I haven't been on in probably a month or so).
I'm glad you were able to be there with your furbaby when he passed. And I completely understand about the loss of sleep - when my Stormy died, I was a wreck for weeks, and I think I was only sleeping due to exhaustion and/or depression...because I just couldn't (and still can't, sometimes) stop replaying the last events through my mind, torturing myself with guilt, wondering if things could've been done differently.
I hope you WILL be able to heal from this, eventually, but I know (and I know you know) it will take a long time, most likely...these little ones leave huge pawprints on our hearts in their short times with us...
Thank you so much for your very kind words. I am so sorry for the loss of your Stormy, and my heart goes out to you. I see you had to say goodbye to your little one in May of last year. I know how much you must miss her. I have lost two other kitties, Jasper five years ago, and Pootie Tang in February of last year. I too would come here and write and pour my heart out, and then of course like you, sometimes the sadness was just too much, and I would step away for a bit. But I would always come back, and find such wonderful friends, and such support and encouragement. I don't think I could have made it without this forum. Writing to and about our beloved pets is so therapeutic, and hearing from others who totally understand what we are going through gives such peace and calm.
I see that you have other pets, that is so good, because that makes a big difference. When my other two little ones passed, I still had my Jingles. which made me keep on going, for him. He was sad and grieving, and I had to be there for him. But now he is gone, and it is just me, and I am so sad and so alone without him. I know I am still in the very early days, and it will not always be like this, but for now all I can sometimes see is a long, vast ocean in the distance, with me all alone in a boat, just drifting. Whenever we lose a beloved one, it is just so devastating, and so traumatic. I watched my Jingles die in my arms, and it was just so hard and so sad.
So right now, I am trying to get those last images of him struggling out of my mind and my heart, and focus on my three dear furbabies together, standing in a circle of love and watching over me. Every time that the instant replay of that last hour comes into my mind, I am going to redirect my thoughts to my beautiful boy being with his brother and sister, safe, warm, and healthy. It is not an easy thing to do. His passing was not as gentle as I wished it could have been by any means, but I am still thankful he was with me, in his home, in my arms, and the last few minutes, he did come back to me, and looked right into my eyes, before he took his last breath. His last several minutes were peaceful, when he looked into my eyes before he went to the light. I just miss him so much, and I would give anything to hold him in my arms one more time.
I visited your Stormy's memorial page, and she is just so beautiful and sweet. I am hoping to make one for all three of my dear little ones. So I will try to stay strong, and I just hope that my Jingles made it safely on his journey, and I hope he knows how much I love him, and how I wished that I could have gone with him. We have never been separated for 17 years, so this is just so hard, and it just feels so wrong. Thank you again so much for your warm words of support and encouragement. I know deep down that it will not always be like this, but for now it is just so difficult. I have to go through so many firsts now without him, holidays, birthdays, seasons, everything is a milestone that we used to share and spend together. I know you so understand and are going through the same struggle of those firsts without Stormy. I wish you peace and comfort David, and thank you again so much for reaching out to me in the midst of your own sadness, it really means so much to know I am not alone. Hugs, JaspersMom