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Missmysweetboy

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Reply with quote  #16 
Hugs to all of you as we struggle through the pain of losing our wonderful babies. Hopefully soon the smiles will win out over the tears when we think about them.
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Adv2112

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Reply with quote  #17 
You are right it is the worst time. Leo passed on a Saturday and it was the worst Saturday of my life. :( but go ahead and cry and let it out because it is our love for them.
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CKMP

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Reply with quote  #18 
Jasper's Mom,

There are no words to say that will ease this hurt, this ache, this loss, and the so recent previous losses - instead, it will be those tears that express these emotions, these thoughts, these fears.  We replay the darkest moments over and over and seem to find these only, yet there is a lifetime of smiles, of companionship, of laughter and of security within the presence of those fur ones.  Your Jingleberry is indeed with your Pootie Tang and your Jasper today and all days.  The three are once again complete - just waiting for the day they greet their Mom.  The deep despair is born out of love, out of that bond that is forged throughout all those days spent together and the simplest moments that we yearn for again.  Just sitting together, just being together...just together.  The grief is overwhelming Jasper's Mom and it steals away our gratitude, our joy and our ability to be how we once were...it moves in quickly like a deep fog at times and at other times it slowly creeps its way into our thoughts, our words, our inner voice.  Grief can help us too - to express the love we still have but now have no way of expressing it through a pet, a word, a shared moment...The life of Jingles mattered and still matters - tears are the witnesses to that life and what it gave so willingly to another.
Jasper's Mom, I am so so sorry for your loss of your proud, courageous, and resilient boy Jingles...That elusive sunbeam that pops in and then is instantly gone will be that message from your Jingles always - He is the sunshine within your heart and soul and will forever be with you.  He stands with your sweet little Pootie Tang girl, and the indomitable  and strong Jasper together in that protective and loving circle - holding your heart forever within the soft paws of love and loyalty.  Remember, 'Jasper has got this Mom' - the angel threesome and the protective bond around you is for always.  May the sunbeams fall upon you like rain drops and may you begin one day to feel the tight hold of those 12 soft paws upon you.  Never without an angel upon your shoulder or by your side.  Take care Jasper's Mom - Hugs for you.
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JaspersMom

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Reply with quote  #19 
d
Quote:
Originally Posted by Syd123
The broken record feels so real and it’s haunting moments are the only thing I can see when I close my eyes. Replayed again and again. The first time I smiled in days is when I went to the walking trail where we always walked with Colby. I went to see his dog friend Rosie who is also a golden retriever. Hugging her and petting her did me so much good amidst this sadness. Holding a dog has been the only thing that has helped ease my pain. I began to look at pictures and watch old videos of Colby. Remembering all the incredible happy moments of our life together. For Jingles, Jasper, Monkey, and Colby I hope that they are safe and at peace, not afraid or lonely, but waiting patiently for us to come home. Best wishes to you both tonight, sending hugs


Dear Syd123.
You are so right that the broken record feels so real, and it is just so hard to get those images out of our minds. This morning I woke up after a fitful and restless sleep, and the instant replay started playing again, over and over of our last hour together, and it was just so difficult to turn it off. I am wondering if this is normal, and may be our mind's way of trying to process what has happened, and trying to cope with the shock of it all. I just want it to stop, and I am trying to remember the happy and joyful moments, but I am no where near that yet. I suppose we just have to give ourselves time and be patient and gentle with ourselves, because losing a beloved pet is just so traumatic. I am so glad to hear that seeing and petting Rosie who was Colby's friend, has been able to ease your pain a bit. I know how much you miss your sweet Colby, believe me I know. Thank you so much for your kind and warm wishes for my Jingles, and I so wish nothing but comfort and peace for my babies, for your Colby, and for Monkey also. We are all walking this journey of grief together, a journey that no one wants to be on. Thinking about you and sending good thoughts your way to keep hope in your heart that we will get through this. Thank you so much for your kind and wonderful words, it so helps to
know that I am not alone in this struggle. Hugs to you and your sweet Colby, JaspersMom 

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Pamela Lynne Crawford
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JaspersMom

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Reply with quote  #20 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Adv2112
Well the tears came some again this morning :( :( been a few days since I cried last. I hate the morning and evening times especially since those were prime cuddle times and not a day went by where he did not purr and cuddle me except for the morning he died :(


Dear Adv2112,
Thank you so very much for your kind words. I am so very sorry for the loss of your baby, and I so appreciate your reaching out to me in the midst of your own grief and pain. This is just so hard. I have been through this twice in the last several years, first with my Jasper, and then with my little PT. It never gets easier, and you think you have developed coping mechanisms to deal with the loss, but it just seems to hit you like a ton of bricks. I feel like I have had the wind knocked out of me, and sometimes I feel as though I am looking from the inside out.

It seems as though the world should stop, or at least slow down, because our dear little ones have crossed over, but it just keeps going. I know what you mean about the morning and evenings, those are definitely the worst times for me also, as that was Jingle's and I cuddle time also. I hated this morning, because for a moment I forgot, then I looked beside me, and he was not there. I am just so sad, and I know you are too, and my heart goes out to you. Thank you for writing and reaching out to me in the midst of your own pain. We just need to put one foot in front of the other and take baby steps, but I wish I could do that. I am so not ready yet, the pain and emptiness is just too real and too raw right now. I wish I could hit fast forward to 5 years from now, and maybe my pain would have subsided somewhat, or better yet, hit rewind, and have my baby right here with me again. Take care and know that I am thinking about you and wishing you comfort and peace. It is so good to know we are not alone in this. Hugs to you and your sweet baby, JaspersMom

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Pamela Lynne Crawford
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JaspersMom

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Reply with quote  #21 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Missmysweetboy
Hugs to all of you as we struggle through the pain of losing our wonderful babies. Hopefully soon the smiles will win out over the tears when we think about them.


Dear Missmysweetboy,
Thank you so much for your kind words. I always called Jingles "my sweet boy" and that is what I chose to engrave on his box of ashes. I will hopefully have them back soon, and even though it will be hard going to pick them up, there will be a bit of comfort and peace in knowing he is back home again. I do hope that you are right, and that soon our smiles will win out over the tears when we think about them. This is just so hard, and so very sad, and I cannot stop crying. I am so sorry for your loss, and my heart goes out to you. Thank you so much for your sweet post, and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs to you and your baby, JaspersMom

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Pamela Lynne Crawford
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JaspersMom

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Reply with quote  #22 
Quote:
Originally Posted by CKMP
Jasper's Mom,

There are no words to say that will ease this hurt, this ache, this loss, and the so recent previous losses - instead, it will be those tears that express these emotions, these thoughts, these fears.  We replay the darkest moments over and over and seem to find these only, yet there is a lifetime of smiles, of companionship, of laughter and of security within the presence of those fur ones.  Your Jingleberry is indeed with your Pootie Tang and your Jasper today and all days.  The three are once again complete - just waiting for the day they greet their Mom.  The deep despair is born out of love, out of that bond that is forged throughout all those days spent together and the simplest moments that we yearn for again.  Just sitting together, just being together...just together.  The grief is overwhelming Jasper's Mom and it steals away our gratitude, our joy and our ability to be how we once were...it moves in quickly like a deep fog at times and at other times it slowly creeps its way into our thoughts, our words, our inner voice.  Grief can help us too - to express the love we still have but now have no way of expressing it through a pet, a word, a shared moment...The life of Jingles mattered and still matters - tears are the witnesses to that life and what it gave so willingly to another.
Jasper's Mom, I am so so sorry for your loss of your proud, courageous, and resilient boy Jingles...That elusive sunbeam that pops in and then is instantly gone will be that message from your Jingles always - He is the sunshine within your heart and soul and will forever be with you.  He stands with your sweet little Pootie Tang girl, and the indomitable  and strong Jasper together in that protective and loving circle - holding your heart forever within the soft paws of love and loyalty.  Remember, 'Jasper has got this Mom' - the angel threesome and the protective bond around you is for always.  May the sunbeams fall upon you like rain drops and may you begin one day to feel the tight hold of those 12 soft paws upon you.  Never without an angel upon your shoulder or by your side.  Take care Jasper's Mom - Hugs for you.


Dear CKMP,
When I saw your post this morning, I was so very happy, because your words never fail to comfort me and give me such hope and faith in the midst of such sorrow and pain. You are so right when you say that the grief is overwhelming, and it steals away our gratitude, our joy, and our ability to be how we once were. I never thought that grief could help us too, to express the love we still have, but now have no way of expressing it. Your words are just beautiful, heartfelt, and so very true.

I am waiting on that elusive sunbeam CKMP, and I could sure use one right about now. You brought me to tears when I read that my Jingles is standing with my sweet little Pootie Tang girl, and my indomitable and strong Jasper, together in that protective and loving circle - holding my heart forever within the soft paws of love and loyalty. Oh my gosh, such beautiful words that bring me a peace that I never thought I would feel again. How I needed to hear just that. Just the thought of my three babies standing together and watching over me warms my heart and stops my very soul from hurting. You brought me to tears with your words so filled with warmth and understanding, but these are good tears, and they are healing tears.

You always seem to know just what to say to help heal my heart. Just like when my little PT was lost and wondering, you gave me the image of my big strong boy with his angel wings around her, guiding her on her journey. Now I have this new image to carry me through on my coldest and darkest days. I just want to turn that instant replay of my Jingle's last hour when he was struggling to breathe, to seeing the three of them together in that circle of love, safe, healthy, and strong.

I cannot believe I am here for a third time, but I am so glad that you are here CKMP, because your understanding and your compassion is almost surreal. I thought that if I ever had to go through this again, that I would have better coping mechanisms to deal with the pain, but this might as well be my first loss. I knew it would be hard, losing the little light and love of my life. Jingles has been with me for 17 years, and he has kept me going through the sunshine and the rain, through every storm, we have made it through together. He was my little energizer bunny, even though he was a kitty, and he kept going and going, and he kept his mom going.  I saw that he was getting so tired, and I never, ever thought that I would tell him he could stop fighting, but that last night he was hurting so badly, I told him he could go to the light, and to wait for me there. I told him not to be scared, and that Jasper and PT would meet him at the gate, and that I would hold him in my heart always. 

But all I wanted to do was to go with him. If God had wanted to take me right then and there, I would have been so content. I know that may sound terrible, but nothing would have made me happier than to leave this earth and be by his side. I know deep down that he would not have wanted that, and that he wants me to live my best life possible, and try to be joyful, and to live each day as he did, with such courage, sweetness, and love. I am going to try to do just that, but it is not going to be easy. I can still feel him so close, and last night, when I lay down in my bed for the very first time without him, I could feel him so close. I could almost reach out and touch him. The same thing happened the first night without my Jasper. I really do not believe that it is my mind playing tricks on me in the throes and haze of my grief, but that he was there, trying to let me know that he was alright.

I hope sometimes that they do not worry about us, and I am not sure if they are able to see our tears, but I know even if they can, they should be just fine, because they know we will all be together again when our journey here is over. I know I keep saying this, and I am not sure why it gives me such comfort, but the very first thing I thought when I woke up this morning was, one more night has passed by, so that brings me one day closer to you my Jingles, my Jasper, and my PT. Someone once asked me if I were to go first before my boy, how I would feel. My heart may feel like it is shattered, and my world has turned upside down, but I would be so worried about him if I was the first to go. I would have no peace at all worrying and wondering what was happening to my special boy.

After Jasper crossed over it was just devastating for me, especially because he was so young, but I still had little PT and Jingles to look after. Then when PT went missing, I was so worried and frantic trying to find her, but I had Jingles to look after. Now there is no one left, and I feel so all alone. There is no one left to be strong for, except for my babies on the other side. I suppose I need to be strong for myself, so they will be proud of me. I miss my Jingles so much already, and it is only day two, how on earth will I be able to make it years without him? I know you are right CKMP, and that Jasper is saying "I've got this Mom". Those words still warm my heart in a way that no others ever have, and they always will. I am sure that Jasper and his little sister are showing my Jingles around as I write this, and they are safe and happy, while they wait for me to join them. I just miss him more than words could ever say.

I love your wish "May the sunbeams fall upon me like raindrops, and may I begin one day to feel the tight hold of those 12 soft paws upon me". You have such a wonderful way with words, when you wrote "never without an angel on your shoulder or by your side" I just felt such comfort and peace come over me. You never cease to amaze me with your unbelievable perception and the depth of your thoughts. I cannot begin to thank you enough CKMP for your warm and wonderful words, that have helped me more than you will ever know. It is so easy to stay focused on that last hour of sadness and struggle, but you have given me such a sweet new image to focus on, my three little ones standing in that circle of love, watching over me, and waiting for me. You have given me such a calmness of spirit with your beautiful words. Thank you for helping to heal my broken heart. I am so thankful for your special words, your compassion, your amazing understanding, and your friendship. You are truly angel sent, and I am beyond grateful to you. Hugs to you, JaspersMom

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Pamela Lynne Crawford
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AZTiger98

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Reply with quote  #23 
JaspersMom,

I am SO sorry to hear about your loss.  It's hard, I know.  When I lost my Stormy back in May of last year, I didn't think I would ever recover, either.  And in many ways, I still haven't.  I've only recently gone through the first birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas without her.  I still have yet to experience the first anniversary of her crossing the bridge.  The only things that have truly helped me heal are my other pets, because they can definitely tell that Daddy isn't necessarily as happy as he used to be, and the people on this forum, who understand when I go through periods of talking every day, or even periods of silence (as I haven't been on in probably a month or so).

I'm glad you were able to be there with your furbaby when he passed.  And I completely understand about the loss of sleep - when my Stormy died, I was a wreck for weeks, and I think I was only sleeping due to exhaustion and/or depression...because I just couldn't (and still can't, sometimes) stop replaying the last events through my mind, torturing myself with guilt, wondering if things could've been done differently.

I hope you WILL be able to heal from this, eventually, but I know (and I know you know) it will take a long time, most likely...these little ones leave huge pawprints on our hearts in their short times with us...

David

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David

Daddy to beloved fur baby Stormy
08/2003 - 05/19/18
Stormy’s Residency https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/STORM059/Resident.htm
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JaspersMom

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Reply with quote  #24 
Quote:
Originally Posted by AZTiger98
JaspersMom,

I am SO sorry to hear about your loss.  It's hard, I know.  When I lost my Stormy back in May of last year, I didn't think I would ever recover, either.  And in many ways, I still haven't.  I've only recently gone through the first birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas without her.  I still have yet to experience the first anniversary of her crossing the bridge.  The only things that have truly helped me heal are my other pets, because they can definitely tell that Daddy isn't necessarily as happy as he used to be, and the people on this forum, who understand when I go through periods of talking every day, or even periods of silence (as I haven't been on in probably a month or so).

I'm glad you were able to be there with your furbaby when he passed.  And I completely understand about the loss of sleep - when my Stormy died, I was a wreck for weeks, and I think I was only sleeping due to exhaustion and/or depression...because I just couldn't (and still can't, sometimes) stop replaying the last events through my mind, torturing myself with guilt, wondering if things could've been done differently.

I hope you WILL be able to heal from this, eventually, but I know (and I know you know) it will take a long time, most likely...these little ones leave huge pawprints on our hearts in their short times with us...

David


Dear David,
Thank you so much for your very kind words. I am so sorry for the loss of your Stormy, and my heart goes out to you. I see you had to say goodbye to your little one in May of last year. I know how much you must miss her. I have lost two other kitties, Jasper five years ago, and Pootie Tang in February of last year. I too would come here and write and pour my heart out, and then of course like you, sometimes the sadness was just too much, and I would step away for a bit. But I would always come back, and find such wonderful friends, and such support and encouragement. I don't think I could have made it without this forum. Writing to and about our beloved pets is so therapeutic, and hearing from others who totally understand what we are going through gives such peace and calm. 

I see that you have other pets, that is so good, because that makes a big difference. When my other two little ones passed, I still had my Jingles. which made me keep on going, for him. He was sad and grieving, and I had to be there for him. But now he is gone, and it is just me, and I am so sad and so alone without him. I know I am still in the very early days, and it will not always be like this, but for now all I can sometimes see is a long, vast ocean in the distance, with me all alone in a boat, just drifting. Whenever we lose a beloved one, it is just so devastating, and so traumatic. I watched my Jingles die in my arms, and it was just so hard and so sad. 

So right now, I am trying to get those last images of him struggling out of my mind and my heart, and focus on my three dear furbabies together, standing in a circle of love and watching over me. Every time that the instant replay of that last hour comes into my mind, I am going to redirect my thoughts to my beautiful boy being with his brother and sister, safe, warm, and healthy. It is not an easy thing to do. His passing was not as gentle as I wished it could have been by any means, but I am still thankful he was with me, in his home, in my arms, and the last few minutes, he did come back to me, and looked right into my eyes, before he took his last breath. His last several minutes were peaceful, when he looked into my eyes before he went to the light. I just miss him so much, and I would give anything to hold him in my arms one more time.

I visited your Stormy's memorial page, and she is just so beautiful and sweet. I am hoping to make one for all three of my dear little ones. So I will try to stay strong, and I just hope that my Jingles made it safely on his journey, and I hope he knows how much I love him, and how I wished that I could have gone with him. We have never been separated for 17 years, so this is just so hard, and it just feels so wrong. Thank you again so much for your warm words of support and encouragement. I know deep down that it will not always be like this, but for now it is just so difficult. I have to go through so many firsts now without him, holidays, birthdays, seasons, everything is a milestone that we used to share and spend together. I know you so understand and are going through the same struggle of those firsts without Stormy. I wish you peace and comfort David, and thank you again so much for reaching out to me in the midst of your own sadness, it really means so much to know I am not alone. Hugs, JaspersMom



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Pamela Lynne Crawford
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CaseyM

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Reply with quote  #25 
I feel your pain
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Cboo918

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Reply with quote  #26 
JaspersMom I'm struggling really hard tonight , 2 1/2 days and still trying to dig out of the despair. Like you with Jingles and PT before, I have two cats still to take care of. If not for them, I'm sure I would be way worse, which I can't imagine. They are indoor/outdoor cats and I almost feel like confining them to strictly inside to ensure they're safe from harm, even though Monkey died from urinary and kidney problems. I just want to ensure they're around as long a possible. But then I remember my decision years ago to let the three of them have free run outside, rationalizing that even if being outside resulted in a shorter life span, at least they would live their lives happy ,(they were outside cats , that's all they knew, when I took them in. They were strays living around my condo complex).

After my two other babies are gone, I'm not sure I can do this again, adopting again. Having pets is just too painful.
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CaseyM

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Reply with quote  #27 
You were meant to have them, more kitties will come into your life....If I get another dog he's gonna be same breed as Moses, the cocker Shizu is a awesome breed! Hardly bark...loyal and funnier than hell personality!
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JaspersMom

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Reply with quote  #28 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cboo918
JaspersMom I'm struggling really hard tonight , 2 1/2 days and still trying to dig out of the despair. Like you with Jingles and PT before, I have two cats still to take care of. If not for them, I'm sure I would be way worse, which I can't imagine. They are indoor/outdoor cats and I almost feel like confining them to strictly inside to ensure they're safe from harm, even though Monkey died from urinary and kidney problems. I just want to ensure they're around as long a possible. But then I remember my decision years ago to let the three of them have free run outside, rationalizing that even if being outside resulted in a shorter life span, at least they would live their lives happy ,(they were outside cats , that's all they knew, when I took them in. They were strays living around my condo complex).

After my two other babies are gone, I'm not sure I can do this again, adopting again. Having pets is just too painful.


Cboo918,
I so understand what you are going through, and I am struggling too tonight. I am trying to dig out of the despair also, but it is just not working. That is really good that you have two other kitties to take care of still, that just makes such a difference. It seems I always had to be strong to care for the others, and now it is just me, and I am totally falling apart. I also understand what you mean by wanting to confine them to strictly inside to make sure they are safe from harm.

Today was my first day back at work after losing my Jingles, and it was so hard. I just had to tell myself, don't cry, don't break down, stay strong. But the tears still came here and there, but I did not totally break down, and I did pretty good at keeping my emotions in check. But if someone had asked me how my kitty was, I would have not been so strong, and I know I would have had to leave and compose myself.

This is the first time that I have ever dreaded coming home from work. I used to love to come home, and see my boy's sweet little face peeking out from the covers. I would feed him first, then myself, then we would lay in my bed and watch tv. He would often lay right on top of me and purr so sweetly.
I still feel him so close, he seems to be everywhere around me, but I cannot reach out and touch him. I am just so sad.

I do not think I will ever be able to get another cat again. You are right, it is just too painful. I could never go through this again. The first time almost broke me, the second time came close, and this, well I think this is the one that is going to shatter my heart into a million little pieces, with no hope of those pieces ever coming back together again. Thank you so much for writing and letting me know how you are doing. I am so very sorry you are going through this. All I can say is to love those two other kitties with everything you have, because tomorrow is not promised to anyone. I never ever thought I would be losing my sweet boy two days ago, even though he was 17, and not in the best of health. He always would bounce back, but this time was different. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, try to stay strong and keep hope in your heart. Hugs, JaspersMom

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JaspersMom

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Reply with quote  #29 
I feel your pain[/QUOTE

Dear CaseyM,
Thank you so much for your kind words. This is just so hard, and I miss my sweet boy so much. I sometimes wish I had another little one to focus on, it makes it a bit easier to stay strong for them. I don't think I will ever be able to get another cat, this is just so painful, and I feel like I am sinking into my grief, and that I wont be able to come back up. I dreaded coming home from work tonight, because I knew my Jingles would not be here. Oh if only I could turn back the clock, then he would still be with me. I wish you peace and comfort in the coming days, and I so appreciate your words of support. It really helps to know I am not alone in this struggle, and I am struggling more than I ever have before. Hugs, JaspersMom

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Pamela Lynne Crawford
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JaspersMom

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Reply with quote  #30 
This is the 3rd day without my sweet boy Jingles. I seem to be going through all the textbook stages of grief such as denial, guilt, and anger. I know this may sound strange, as I have always been a happy and optimistic person, but I seem to feel stronger in the anger stage. It is not that I want to be angry, but it does seem to suppress the crying and the feelings of despair for just a bit. It may not be a productive emotion, but I suppose we just have to get through each stage, one moment at a time, the best that we know how.

I am angry that my dear boy Jasper was taken from me in February, five years ago tomorrow. I am angry that my precious little girl PT was taken from me in February, one year ago today. I am angry that my beautiful and special baby Jingles was taken from me just three days ago. I want to just say seriously, how can this be happening? I know that I had seventeen wonderful years with him, and I should be so grateful, but I just hurt too bad for that right now. Maybe soon I will be able to put this all into perspective, and remember how fortunate I was to have had them in my world. I am sad, I am hurt, I am angry, and I am tired of walking this cold and dark journey of grief.

I dread the thought of going through all the firsts without him. I dread  the thought of coming home at night with him not being here. I dread waking up in the morning without his sweet purrs and meows, and I dread the thought of going to sleep without him by my side. I would always reach my hand out, and he was there, now I reach out my hand, and there is nothing. I am really struggling and I just want this sadness and this sorrow to ease up so I can feel normal again. I know he is worth every single tear I shed for him, but I am just so tired and my heart feels like it has broken into a million tiny pieces. All of the colors seem to have gone out of my world, and I know that my life will never be the same again.


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