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JaspersMom

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I am having trouble beginning this post, because I do not want to believe it is true. If I write it, will it all be a nightmare that I can wake up from? How could this have happened? I never thought tonight would be the night that I would lose him. I suppose we never know until the time comes. My beautiful kitty Jingles of 17 years died in my arms tonight, and my heart is shattered. I really do not see me coming back from this one. I am grateful to have had him for so long, but as we all know, it could never be long enough.

He has had some issues with weight loss, but the doctors always attributed it to him being an older cat. I had so many tests run, with absolutely no definitive diagnosis. I tried so hard to keep him eating, and keep him healthy, but over the last two weeks, his appetite had declined, and he was still eating, just not as much, and he was drinking his water just fine.  There was an incident about two weeks ago when he had a seizure, and was not himself for two days, but then he bounced back again, as he always did. My little fighter, never giving up. I thought of taking him to the vet again, but they would want more testing with most likely inconclusive results, and I did not want to put him through that again. He used to get so stressed out at the vets, that his little heart would start a galloping rhythm when the doctor would come into the room.

Well tonight he started meowing loudly as if he was in pain, and he was having trouble walking. I think he might have had thrown a clot, and had a stroke, because then he started having trouble breathing. His gait was completely off, and I knew we were in trouble when he got into his litter box and collapsed. I wrapped him up in a soft little towel, and I was holding him in my arms, and getting ready to go to the emergency clinic, when he took his last breath. I cant believe that I am writing that my baby took his last breath. He was just fine this morning. 

I feel like I am watching everything in slow motion now, and I am watching everything from outside of me. I am sure that you all can understand what I am saying. It is like I am here, but I am not, it is like I am watching a very bad movie, and cannot turn it off. Watching my sweet boy die was so devastating, and traumatic, and has torn me up inside. I will never be the same again. I just want to run and keep running so fast, then maybe my feelings wont be able to catch up with me. I am so broken, and my tears are falling like rain. I wish I could just be happy for our time together, so many do not get the years that we did. But I cannot be happy right now, because I feel like I am dying inside. 

I suppose we never know when we will be saying our last goodbye to our sweet babies.. Now I have to make arrangements so that I will have his ashes. How can my dear little Jingles become just ashes in a box? How do I resign myself to sleeping with a box every night, that used to be my living, breathing, precious kitty. I knew I would eventually have to go through this, but not yet. I know that God has been good to me in bringing my sweet boy back to me several times, when I thought that it might be the end, and I am grateful. But this just hurts so bad. I just hurt so bad. My only wish is that I could have gone with my dear little one tonight.

I am so scared he is alone and trying to find me. I told him that he could stop fighting and go to the light, and find Jasper and PT, and that they would show him his new home. He was so out of it, just struggling to breathe, but right before he took his last breath, he looked up at me. That was his goodbye, he knew I was there, holding him and loving him. I am thankful I was here, and did not find him passed. Even though it was so hard, at least I was able to help him cross. He was just so scared and did not know what was happening, but his last few moments were peaceful, and I rocked him and sang to him, as he made his journey.

He found his light, and now my darkness begins. I am so tired, and I am so hurt, and I just don't want to be strong anymore. I just want to be with him. I cannot even imagine going one night without him, let alone years. He is wrapped up in his little blanket on my bed, as I wait for first morning light to come. We have never spent a night apart, and I fear that I might need help to get through this. I just want to be with my boy, we have never been apart, oh my God, I miss him so much already. I just need a sign that he is alright, and has found his way home, oh if only I could be with him. I just want to be with him.


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Pamela Lynne Crawford
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Cboo918

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Reply with quote  #2 
I'm so so sorry I lost my beloved kitty yesterday
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Cboo918

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Reply with quote  #3 
I'm in a zombie haze right now, like you describe. Can't stop crying
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Cboo918

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Reply with quote  #4 
I feel the same as you, I want to go be with my Monkey. He was my everything. I only had a short 6 years with him and I feel so cheated. And so guilty that I should have done more, seen the signs that something was wrong. He spent the previous 7 days in the vets because he couldn't pee. I went to visit him every day there for an hour. I took him home on Saturday because my vet did all she could and was hopeful that when he got home he might relax and be able to pee. He didn't. I had to take him to ER vet Saturday night and they put a urinary catheter in him (the third time) and started him on some meds they felt would help. He was so miserable. He hated the vet I had to pre medicate him every time we went to calm him down. Monday morning, I picked him up from ER to bring him to the specialist, best bet practice in the area with all the latest technology. I was told they would probably did a fairly routine surgery to widen his urethra so he could pee. Tuesday morning, the vet called and asked me to come in to talk about ultrasound results. He said his one kidney had failing function due to ureter tube being blocked. There's a university hospital 4 or more hours from me that could do a bypass surgery. But it carries a lot of risks and a lot of follow up care. And I know Monkey would have despised the car trip. And the outcomes were iffy. Then he said he could put a stent in but three were lots of risks and he said there was less than 10% chance it would work. I went back to stay with him. He developed an upper respiratory infection over the past week, probably from being at the vets, being stressed and his immune system a wreck. He was sniffling and struggling to breathe through his nose. I was in tears. I decided to let him go and I also watched him take his last breath, not sure if I was doing the right thing. I hate myself right now. I can't stop crying

Please know you're not alone
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Cboo918

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Reply with quote  #5 
JaspersMom, how are you this morning. I was worried about you
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Syd123

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Reply with quote  #6 
Jaspersmom I am so so sorry for the loss of your precious kitty Jasper. It is so painful to loose our best friend and love. I unexpectedly lost my beautiful dog Colby just 1 week ago. I too held him as he passed. I screamed and cried for 2 days straight, I felt like life couldn’t go on without him. That I just wanted to be with him and I didn’t know how to live without him. Everything you’ve said resonates with me and I hope you find comfort in knowing that you are not alone in these feelings and in this pain. I never thought I could be happy thinking of all the good memories, and sometimes I cry looking at pictures or videos, but sometimes I smile. The pain doesn’t go away but the unbearable sadness will become easier to hold. Let the love you shared heal you. Your kitty knows how much you love him, he will be waiting for you, and I believe he would want you to keep living with all the joy that he brought you. I hope that this forum can help you grieve with people who understand. Please be safe and gentle with yourself. Sending hugs.
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JaspersMom

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Reply with quote  #7 
Dear Cboo918,

Thank you so much for your very kind words and reply. I am so sorry for your loss of Monkey, and my heart goes out to you. I know how hard it is losing a little one who is so young, with so much time left. You do feel cheated, and it just feels so unfair, and then I ask myself, whoever said life was fair? I lost my Jasper a few years ago, and he was not quite seven. I was so shocked, I was so angry, and I was in such a state of denial for some time. I must have gone through every stage of grief, over and over again. But most of all, I felt cheated out of years and time and moments with my boy. So I really do understand how you feel, and I sympathize and can totally relate to your feelings. 

I knew it would be devastating to lose my sweet boy Jingles, but I also know he had a good long life, filled with love and care. But still, I feel like someone has knocked the wind right out of me, and I feel that once again, all the colors have gone out of my world. I am thankful for our time together, but now I have to try to figure out a way to not dread coming home from work, because he will not be here. I have to find a way to go about my everyday life without such deep sadness and sorrow. He is everywhere in my home, and he is everywhere in my life. I always will keep him here tucked safely away in my heart, but it just hurts so bad right now.

The pain is so raw and so daunting, that I am not sure I will ever be able to ever recover. Now mind you, I said the same thing when I lost my Jasper, but then pf course, I had my dear Jingles to look after, he made me stay strong, and he kept me going. Now there is nothing and no one. I feel more alone than ever before, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. The emptiness is so palpable, and the very home we stay in seems to be grieving. I would never think about hurting myself, but if God decided to take me soon, I would be just fine with it  I know Jingles would want me to live my best life possible though in honor of him, but I just don't know if I have the strength or courage. I will keep plugging along and trying to find happiness again, but all I know that tomorrow morning, all I will be thinking is, another day has passed by, which brings me one day closer to my dear kitty.

It sounds as though you did everything possible for your Monkey, so please never blame yourself. It seems whenever we lose a beloved pet, the first thing that our minds do say is, I should have, I could have. We do the best we can do, and you certainly went above and beyond, and your baby knows it. I did so much for my Jingles, but still, the old G word rears it's ugly head. No matter what we do, we will always feel guilty, even though we shouldn't. Our fur babies know how much they are loved, even now. So maybe we just need to put one foot in front of the other and start walking, baby steps, and know that it will not always feel like this. I just wish that I could take my own advice, because I am trying to do just that, but I am failing miserably. 

So I just wanted to let you know that we will get through this, one day at a time, one moment at a time. I am thinking about you and your words are so filled with sadness and pain, as are mine, and wer are united in our grief. This is one club that no one wants to belong to, but suddenly, and inexplicably finds themselves in. Again let me tell you how sorry I am for the loss of your precious kitty Monkey, and I will be keeping you both in my thoughts and prayers for comfort and peace in the coming days.

Thank you for reaching out to me in the midst of your pain and heartache, and I hope that you can find some semblance of peace in knowing that your Monkey left this world knowing without a doubt how much he was loved and cherished. Please don't ever hate yourself, but be proud in knowing that you gave your baby such a sweet and beautiful life. Thank you with all my heart for helping me face another day. We on this forum are kindred souls, walking the long, dark journey of grief, and we will get through this together. Hugs, JaspersMom

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Pamela Lynne Crawford
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JaspersMom

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Reply with quote  #8 
Dear Syd123,

Thank you so much for your kind words and sweet reply to my post. I am so very sorry to hear about the loss of your precious dog Colby. I know that you really do understand about the feelings of pain and sadness. I so appreciate your letting me know that I am not alone in my feelings, that I do not want to live without my dear little one. I see that you too held your Colby as he passed. Jingles did not have an easy transition, but by the time I would have gotten him to the emergency animal hospital, he would have most likely have passed in the car, on a very cold and very dark night.

There was just no time to help him, and he did cry out a few times, which hurts my heart. Then when he started staggering and losing his balance, I scooped him up, and held him so close to me. This happened about 3am in the morning. He was open mouth breathing, and I just held him tight, but then all of a sudden he seemed to relax, and then shortly after that, he was gone.His last few moments were peaceful and that is what I want to remember. I only hope that when he was in the midst of his disorientation and confusion, that he was so out of it that he did not feel hurt or scared, and it was just his body's way of coping with the inevitable. If he did have a blood clot on his brain, I feel that he would have been unaware, and hopefully pain free. I am just so scared that he may have suffered. If he had to go, I wish he had been able to just lay down and go to sleep, but it never seems to be that easy. I had to let Jasper go because he was struggling to breathe, but never did I think it would be the same with Jingles. No matter how we let them go, it is hard, it is sad, and it is something we will never forget.

I love what you wrote, and I will let the love that Jingles and I shared heal me, or at least I will certainly try. No matter how we let them go, we will always feel guilty and think we could have done better. Why did this happen in the middle of the night, why did he go downhill so quickly? He was fine one moment, then the next moment he was dying right in front of my eyes. I will never ever forget it, but I know that one day the deep and searing pain will subside. I want our happy memories to take over, I really do, it is just so hard right now to not keep replaying that last awful hour in my head. I never thought that I would tell my Jingles that he could go to the light, but I could not stand to see him so hurt and confused. I even asked God to take him at one point, because he was hurting. I only wish I could have taken his pain, and I would have, in a heartbeat.

I know that time heals all wounds, but this one is different, and it is so deep, and I am just so scared of what the future holds for me. Because I cannot see a future without my beautiful baby in it right now, but maybe I will as the days go by. It is only day one, and I miss him so much that my very soul seems to be crying out. Thank you again for your understanding and compassion, in the midst of your own sadness, I cannot begin to tell you how much it means to me. I know we can get through this, one step at a time, one moment at a time, but it is going to be one of the hardest things I have ever done. Please know that I am keeping you and your Colby in my thoughts and prayers. We will make it through this, our babies would want nothing less. Take care and know that I am so grateful for your words that have helped me keep going to face another day, just knowing I am not alone gives me faith and hope in my heart to not give up, and be the person that my sweet boy would want me to be. Hugs, JaspersMom

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Pamela Lynne Crawford
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JaspersMom

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Reply with quote  #9 
I am so utterly exhausted from not being able to sleep with my mind racing with the terrible events of last night. I also have such a bad heacache from crying so much. Yes I am quite the hot mess! I seem to keep replaying our last moments together over and over again in my head like a broken record. Why do we do that? Why do we take one devastating hour, when there are so many days filled with love and laughter that we should be concentrating on?

I need to try to pull myself together, and realize that Jingles is in a kinder, gentler place now, with no pain and no suffering, and that he is strong and healthy once again. I also have to be grateful for all the years that we had together, so many are not fortunate enough to get that precious extra time to spend together.

The last thing he would want me to do is remember him with sadness and tears, when truth be told, his legacy is one of joy, courage, and that resileint spirit that he showed me over and over again. I would like to honor his sweet and beautiful spirit in my life by not continuing to stay stuck on one very dark and difficult night, but to remember all the bright and shiny days we shared. I must not focus on his death, but celebrate his life, and the beautiful and radiant light he brought into my world.

My dear little Jingles, this one's for you. I can't promise no more tears, but I can promise that every single time that I think of you, I will see your sweet little face, and those beautiful eyes staring up at me with such trust and such love. I will see you never giving up, no matter the obstacles. I miss you so much already, but I know you are just fine.

Wait for me my sweet boy, you are just a breath and heartbeat away. Run like the wind my Jingleberry, and I will see you when I get there. Every day that passes by brings me one day closer to you. Thank you for being my best boy, thank you for choosing me to be your mom, but most of all, thank you for loving me. On the cloudiest of days, you could always find your sunbeam. Thank you for being my little sunbeam, and the sweetest little light of my life. 💕

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Pamela Lynne Crawford
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Cboo918

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Reply with quote  #10 
So beautifully written.

I'm doing the and thing, playing over his last moments and torturing myself. It was traumatizing because he really was struggling to get free. And that's what haunts me. I'm just having panic attacks thinking about it.

Like you, I can't wait for the day to see my beautiful, sweet Monkey. I told him every single day, a thousand times over, how much I loved him. I really want to be with him again too, he lit up my life so much.

Hugs to you and everyone else going through this struggle right now
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Adv2112

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Reply with quote  #11 
I am so sorry for your loss :(
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Syd123

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Reply with quote  #12 
The broken record feels so real and it’s haunting moments are the only thing I can see when I close my eyes. Replayed again and again. The first time I smiled in days is when I went to the walking trail where we always walked with Colby. I went to see his dog friend Rosie who is also a golden retriever. Hugging her and petting her did me so much good amidst this sadness. Holding a dog has been the only thing that has helped ease my pain. I began to look at pictures and watch old videos of Colby. Remembering all the incredible happy moments of our life together. For Jingles, Jasper, Monkey, and Colby I hope that they are safe and at peace, not afraid or lonely, but waiting patiently for us to come home. Best wishes to you both tonight, sending hugs
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Cboo918

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Reply with quote  #13 
Well said Syd, I truly hope to see my baby again
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Adv2112

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Reply with quote  #14 
Well the tears came some again this morning :( :( been a few days since I cried last. I hate the morning and evening times especially since those were prime cuddle times and not a day went by where he did not purr and cuddle me except for the morning he died :(
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Cboo918

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Reply with quote  #15 
I agree Adv2112, those are the worst times. Nothing worse than the pain of waking up and temporarily forgetting that your baby is not there with you. It is so jarring and upsetting and I'm afraid I'll be shedding many more tears during these moments
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