dde9227782

       I just put my 12 year old cocker spaniel down June 8th.  She was orginally diagnosed with Bronchitis (was weezing/gagging) the week before and put on antibiotics.  She went downhill from there, and we fought with her every night to eat dinner.  The vet gave her Predadone which made her very lethergic. Finally she refused to eat anything, and actually grinded her teeth together to prevent us from feeding her (so she wasnt taking her medicine either).  She spent her birthday (June 2) bring coerced to eat her favorite meal.  We noticed that one of her eyes was buldging, and she had a bad case of red eyes more often than not in the past few weeks (Dr. said it was allergies). 
          Turns out we brought her to the vet again on Sunday June 6th to see her usual vet.  The dog was panting, and the doctor instantly noticed the dogs eye and she shut off the light and saw a big mass in the back palette of the dog's mouth. Sunday and Monday night I barely sleep.  I heard her roaming around the apt. making choking and weezing noises.  then when I got up, she would run into another room.  She couldn't find a place for herself.
 

            We brought her back Tuesday morning for an biopsy/endoscopy to find out that it didn't spread, but it would be a big ordeal and difficult because she refuses to eat. 
The doctor called and gave us the news, and expressed her concerns because the dog was weak and not eating, otherwise she wanted us to continue treament.  The doctor put her down while she was under anesthesia.
          Deep inside mom and I said our goodbyes, we knew on Sunday that we didn't want the dog to suffer with chemo/rediation and surgery (with reconstructing her mouth).  We especially felt that she was in pain, and lost weight and was just laying around the house.
          I hard a very heard time the first few days, it has gotten a little easier. I felt guilt, for not taking her home Tuesday night and giving her a chance or rushing her to the Animal Medical Center immediately when the antibiotics didn't help. Her labored breathing could've been from the tumor or the bronchitis and maybe a different doctor would've noticed her eye and made the connection quicker.  
I've read the poen "Rainbow Bridge" and it breaks my heart.  Tuesday morning she found 2 handballs and ran down the hallway to the apt with them.  Kissed me and rolled all around on the rug.  Then an hour later she was laying around again (like dead weight when you touched her).  How can a dog go from one extreme to another?  She had more bad days than good these past few weeks.
        The apt. is still eery and quiet without her.  I worry about my dad, he retired 10 years ago and she was with him everyday since.  He kept saying that he wants to die before the dog.  We ordered her ashes and they should be here next week.  I'm not sure thats going to help us grieve. However, I think if something happens to my dad the ashes should be buried with him.
         I think we did the right thing we had to end her suffering (or she would've gotten weaker and starved to death)   but it still hurts so much.  I have nightmares of saying goodbye as the vet technician carried her out of the room and listening to her roam the apt as a healthy happy dog then roaming her last few nights and making noises. I am thinking of joining an animal grievance group or seeing a therapist that specializes in grieving.

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Susie_Squillions
I'm so very sorry to hear about your loss.  It can be so hard to diagnose our animals because they can't tell us what their symptoms are.  Also, those tumors can grow so quickly.  One day, there's no sign of them, and the next day we wonder how they could have been missed.

Bless you for taking such good care of you girl, and you did everything right.  You tried to hard to help her.  Please come back and tell us her name and some of the stories about the life you shared with her. 

You, your mom, and your angel girl are all in my thoughts and prayers.


My heart is battered and bruised, but I will not let it break. It holds such precious cargo, I must protect it now. (Susie Squillions)

"Memories of loved ones are like songs in our soul." Margaret Wakeley

T.J.'S RESIDENCY:
http://RainbowsBridge.com/residents/TJ006/Resident.htm

BUDDY GUY AYRES~LYNCH'S RESIDENCY:
http://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/Buddy128/resident.HTM

KING BING THE GOD CAT'S RESIDENCY:
http://rainbowsbridge.com/residents/BINGO009/Resident.htm

In one of the stars, I shall be living.
In one of them, I shall be laughing.
And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing when you look at the sky at night.
~ The Little Prince, Antoine de Saint-Exupery
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Mia870

I am so sorry for your loss. It is heartbreaking and so incredibly sad. You have come to the right place for help and understanding. We all here have experienced a painful loss and I find it helps to talk about it here. You did the right thing by putting her to sleep, you ended her pain and that is admirable. Find comfort in the memories and just take it one day at a time. I found it very painful when I picked up Mia's ashes, it was like losing her all over again but now I seek comfort in knowing she is with me at home. I am thinking of you and wish you peace xx  

Mia Jessie aged: 11 years. Always our puppy girl xxxxxx
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marnlars
Dde - 
So sorry to hear about your loss.  Our cat Jimmy (age 10.5) was chasing around our kitten, I mean RIPPING around the house the night before he died.  The next day he had a clot to the back legs was paralyzed, then hours later passed a clot to the heart & it stopped.  
I couldn't understand it at all.  Our vet explained it that in animals they can be diagnosed with an illness that possibly a human could live with for years, and the pets only live with for months or weeks, as their life span is so much shorter.

Go into the chat room here in the evenings.  Hire a counsellor.  Talk to the vet.  These are the things that helped me to 'accept' Jimmy's passing.  We picked up his ashes yesterday (he passed on 06/11), and it was bittersweet.  Accepting that they are gone is by no way moving on & forgetting, it is just finding some peace within yourself that you did the right thing, and that it was just your dear ol' dogs time to move on to the Rainbow Bridge.
I offer you alot of strength & prayers in the upcoming weeks.
Take good care.... know that you gave her a GREAT life!
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MagzMom
I am so sorry about your loss. It is heartbreaking when you have a house filled with love from your furbaby and then the house is empty.  We love them so much we would never want them to suffer and it sounds like your sweet girl was starting to have discomfort.  You absolutely did the right thing.  I think all of us here replay some moments, the last time we saw them, the morning they died, saying good bye.  I know that feeling well.  I wish you peace dde, I don't know that it gets better, and I think it will always hurt.  For me it will be 8 weeks tomorrow and my heart is still broken.
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dde9227782
My dad put her ashes in the china cabinet overlooking the diningroom table, with a clay pawprint taken at the vet and a small picture of her.  I was able to accept her fate last week, as hard as it was.  Now it's a nightmare all over again because she is watching us eat dinner.  My dad talks to the ashes everyday and is making weird comments about the dog sitting and watching tv with him.  I don't know if he's for real or is trying to get attention.

It's unbelievable, how quickly a dog can get sick.  She was moving around slowly, had a little arthritis but that was it.  Then came the Bronchitis (4 wks ago but we brought her to the doctor to diagnose the Bronch. May 28th), and that didn't go away after 2 weeks. She just got worse, refusing to eat anything. I hate the fact that the 1st Vet didn't notice her buldging eye and check inside her mouth.  She could've had the tumor for weeks before it was found.

Regardless, Precious was a fighter, she turned 12 on June 2nd.  The morning we put her down, she ran down the hallway with 2 handballs in her mouth, rolled around on the rug and kissed me.  Then she was laying there lethargic again.  She didn't want to leave the apt with my dad, like she sensed that she wasn't coming back.

I have been taking an anxiety and sleeping pill for the past week.  Two nights before putting her down, I slept 3 hours each night. The sounds she was making, and the way she roamed around helpless looking as us as if to say "help me, please" kept me awake.  I still have nightmares on occasion.  Tuesday will be 2 weeks, doesn it get any easier?  Will support groups help me?  I think it will but only if my dad goes also.  Precious was his world...and he is lost without her. 

I haven't faced death of a loved one in many years (about 20 yrs), I don't know how to grieve and how to move on and relax.
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puki

I am so sorry about your loss. I went through something similiar last week with my Puki when he passed away. The story begins on May 24 when I took him to the vet for sores spreading on his back and a bulging eye that kept getting bigger. I would make myself crazy daily trying to notice if the eye was getting bigger. Well the vet concluded that he had a staph infection and a eye infection. He gave Simplicef antibiotic (a 30 day supply) and an eye ointment. After about one week on the antibiotic I went to give Puki his daily dose with a piece of cheese as usual and he gripped his teeth together as if he would not take it. I feel so guilty I forced it in his mouth and made him swallow it as I felt this drug was suppose to heal him. Well wthin 10 minutes after that Puki vomited, began having what seemed to be a seizure, where he fell on his side, arched his back and neck and howled. This sound still brings  tears to both me and my husband's eyes forever. He had one more seizure that day (Saturday), One Sunday, One Monday and then he was fine until Saturday Morning this is why I did not call the vet. We thought that the antibiotic was hurting his stomach so we stopped it after the first seizure. We still feel that the antibiotic triggered something that caused his death. I made him rice and chicken on Friday night because he hadn't eaten all week. Well he woke me at 5am on Saturday morning gagging like 20 in a row. I thought, what could this be, does he have a hairball or something that he is trying to get out. Well he had about 5 more of these episodes in 2 hours that morning and then he seemed fine. I bathed him and by 12:00 he started again with this dry heaving thing, but this time there was bright red blood! I picked him up and rushed him to the ER. They looked in his mouth and said he needed oxygen immediately! They said that those gagging episodes were coughing, probably from heart failure, but they were not sure. They were ready to take x-rays of his lungs and they took him off and I did not get a proper goodbye. His heart stopped and they did CPR and gave him a shot of lasix. They managed to start his heart again but he was still on life support. The dr. made me feel that if I pulled him off of life support it could be a horrible way to watch him die. They made me feel euthanasia was the only choice. So I had to euthanize him. I could not go into the room because I had my 4 year old son with me and I did not want to traumatize him and he would not stay with the nurse. So I let Puki take his last breathe alone. The dr. assured me he was unconcious anyway, but I still would have liked to be there with him as he was with me for nearly 14 years through the best and worst moments of my life. I had terrible guilt and grief the first 5 days after he passed. I could not understand why the original vet did not notice that a bulging eye is a sign of fluid buildup on the brain. Why did I put him on that antibiotic that I feel ended his life early? Why didn't I call the vet after the first seizure? The what if's go through my mind over and over. But finally, I have peace in my heart again knowing how happy we were together for so many years and I couldn't go on in mourning in front of my son. I gathered all of our pictures together over the years and made a beautiful collage, and I wrote a letter to him. Once I receive his ashes back this collage and the letter will remain next to his ashes on my mantle forever. Puki will always remain in my heart as he was my first child, and I know that one day we will greet each other again! 

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dde9227782
Puki it sounds like your vet and my vet need to have coffee together. I remember having another cocker spaniel growing up,  i was about 9 or 10 years old and the dog also collapsed and had seizures.  We called to have a vet come to the house and he said that the dog wasn't going to make it through the night (also said something about fluid in the lungs andor heart failure).
I respect your judgement to stay with your son and I could only imagine how you explained everything to him.  I have a 4 year old nephew that keeps asking about Precious.  We tried to tell him that Precious doesnt live here anymore and she's in doggy heaven but he just continues to ask for her.  You did the right thing and granted, if you knew her fate I'm sure you would've said goodbye to her. 
It sounds like your dog had a similar eye infection.  Precious had a discharge coming from her eyes, they were red most of the time and 1 of the eyes, had the third eyelid exposed (as if the eye was buldging).  The 1st vet didn't notice it, just did a chest xray and called it Bronchitis, a week and a half later we found out about the tumor after she went downhill. I would'nt be surprised if she had a tumor in her head, that caused the eye problems and spread into her mouth (the vet didn't check her head). This is the same vet hospital that came to the house when I was a little girl, so we trusted them.  We have a 24hr medical center here in NYC but it is very expensive.  Something told me that we were better off taking her there when she started going downhill.


Thanks everyone for your well wishes.  We have her ashes, along with a clay paw print, sympathy cards from the cemetary/crematorium and vet and a picture in the china cabinet in front of the diningroom table. It is hard eating and staring at these things. I think that we should move the urn and stuff to the back of the shelf so she will still be home just not staring at us.  Dad continues to talk to the ashes a few times a day and sits on the terrace counting the planes as they fly by.  Or he sits in the park across the street and watches the children play baseball and people walk their dogs.  He seems to meet every excuse to leave the house, as if he doesn't know what to do with himself.  He also makes weird comments, like slapping his thigh and telling the dog to go sit outside with him.  I don't know if he is for real but it's freaking me out.

I wish you all the best fo luck and I know that time will heal the pain and make it easier.  I guess I just didn't expect it to be so hard.
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