Hello Everyone,

It's been two full weeks that my best friend Spin went to heaven. The grief is not stabbing me full force these days but it's there in my chest. I feel it settled there. My work has me busy for 10 hours a day (working overtime) and I have to keep pushing the need to think about her to the side because I need to focus on my job. The worst is when I get home and I have to be there alone without her. I hear myself talking to her like I always did.

"Guess what Appie baby? I bought the fall decorations for the door wreath!"
"My favorite coffee beans are in season, I got two bags!"
"The weather is changing, your favorite season is almost here."

Lots of random things, cause I chatted with her the moment I walked in the door and she greeted me like I'd been gone for years. She sat in her kitchen bed and end up laying her head on the tiny pillow to listen to me rambling on and on. I would look down and see she was knocked out sleeping!

Yesterday was a bad evening for me. Grief needs to be felt and it chose last night to resurface. Spin loved fall and I would take her to the park every evening and we would walk on the crispy leaves. She would run, smell everything and her smile would be so wide tongue practically kissing the ground. 

I make wreaths for the front door for every season and this time around she won't be there to run out of the door, and down the stairs to bark at the neighbors dog in the first floor. "Spin, you crazy doggie! come back!"  I would have to walk all the way down and literally pick her up and take her up the stairs while she barked in my ear.

I miss her so much. 17 years of doggie routine, 17 years of cuddles and unconditional love, 16 Autumns.

I feel all of your pain, the ones that grieve with me the loss of our amazing companions, best friends, roommates, exercise partners, su-chefs, assistant decorators, on and on. They were with us because God himself chose them for us, because they were perfect for US.

Hang in there, it's going to take time. Feel the grief but don't dwell on it, our pets were happy and silly. They wouldn't want us crying and suffering for them. It may seem like there's no end to the grief in sight, but guess what? There is and I like you will progress through the pain of loss until my dog is an amazing memory of someone I loved deeply and unconditional just like she loved me.

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It sounds like you are going through the typical grieving process, if there is such a thing as typical, since we all are different.  You had 17 wonderful years with your best friend, Spin and now you are trying to go on without him.  That initial miserable grief is not quite as intense but there are so many things which remind you that Spin is no longer with you.  The challenge is to try to go on without all of those years of doggie joy and happiness. Knowing that eventually it will hopefully get better doesn't change how you feel now.  

My precious baby boy cat Lenny, who I had for 16 years has been gone now since February.  There  are times when I go on with daily life without thinking about him.  But then I see something which reminds me of him and feel the intensity of not having him with me all over again.  Overall I am much better than I was but nothing has replaced him.  Another cat would provide different experiences but it wouldn't be Lenny with all of his  special qualities. This grief stuff is complex--it isn't a straight line but more like a roller coaster ride which doesn't end.  Eventually I hope the grief part will fade away entirely and only the good memories will be left.
For now, it is good to be in this group with others who are in various stages of this process.
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Thank you Patsy. I'm sorry for your loss of your baby Lenny. 

Yes, grief is one dizzying roller coaster.
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Dai, I still talk to my Daisy, too.  I tell her it's time to go nite-nite.  I ask her if she's going to join me.  I tell her to scooch over and stop hogging the bed. There are just certain pieces of our daily routine that I'm not ready to give up yet, and bedtime is the absolute worst.  I guess because it was HER favorite time of day, when she knew mom was going to be still for awhile and she could curl up next to me and cuddle.  I know that someday I'll be able to just go to bed without the nighttime dialogue, but I'm not there yet.  Not yet.  And, after all, who's here to hear me, or to care?
Teri Milbourn
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