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jeffreyburcham
Sil,

Thank you for your kind and understanding words. I have tried to convince myself that what I did had to be done. It was not a hasty decision. After every incident between my Apollo and my last rescue, a bigger pup-Jesse-I said the next time is the last time. I never went through with it, I always gave Apollo another chance and he would be fine with Jesse. he just could never get over me bringing another dog into the family, even though they would sleep with one another on my bed. It wasn't an every day thing, or even every month. It usually would happen once a year. The last time though it had been about seven months though.

I tried to think of anyone I knew who would care for him and love him as I did, and I truly loved him, he was my baby baby. My brother would have taken him had he not already had two smaller dogs. I couldn't send him to a shelter or even to a Shepherd rescue group, not with his having been in fights.

It broke my heart to do it, and I mean really broke my heart. I was already going to pet loss grief counseling over my Lab girl Satin Marie who I had to end her suffering June 1, 2017 so this was like no other pain I had ever experienced before. I cry about them both all the time and am crying now as I type this.

As much as the logical, rational side of my brain tells me I did the right thing, the other side can't get over the guilt of killing a healthy, happy dog. He wasn't sick. He was a good dog. He was my kid and I killed him. And I can never forgive myself for doing it, regardless of the reasons. 

I feel even more guilty because I love on my Jesse constantly and I try to tell myself I didn't choose one dog over the other, when that's exactly what I did. I feel guilty because I no longer am yelling at Apollo to clam down, to "act right". As time progresses, I'll come to terms with myself over my decision, just not anytime soon.

I wish you peace and comfort over your Sol. I too think I may have made my Satin Marie suffer some hoping for a miracle so you are not alone.

Jeffrey
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katndogs
I am so sorry Jeffrey. I posted for the first time today with a very similar story only it was my Shepherd that was the aggressive dog. I had to put 2 dogs to sleep in 3 days. I am reeling from the pain and guilt. I totally understand your pain.
KP
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jeffreyburcham
KP,

My Shepherd was also the aggressive one just not all them time. I wish I had given him one more chance...
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Sil
We feel so much guilt, because, we truly loved them.  This love is very powerful and unlike a love we feel for another human being.  Our beloved pets "depend" on us.  We are their voice, we do are best to make their lives better, comfortable and safe as possible.  When we make a decision, this decision is based on love.  We second guess ourselves over and over - we torture ourselves. But, please remember,  our beloved pets are "safe" now - from receiving or inflicting pain.

Jeffrey, you did what was best under the circumstances. Yes, Apollo was a healthy dog, full of energy, your beloved fur baby, but, he had shown aggression and could have been injured badly.   Please, remember, you did not kill Apollo.  …..now, I'm crying...…, I guess, what I'm trying to say is, "this guilt is as strong as the love we feel for them".  We still blame ourselves, but, we  know that, our decisions are always based on "what we think is best for them".  Hugs
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katndogs
Sadly, I gave mine one chance to many and my Angel died so horrifically because of it. I just don't know how to get over it.
KP
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katndogs
oh and my Martina was also a healthy beautiful German Shepherd that I loved dearly. This is the hardest, worst thing I have ever been through and I have had some bad things in my life. I'm sorry I am probably not making you feel any better other than I just want you to know you are not alone in the grief and guilt you are feeling......
KP
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Korie
I feel like I murdered my dog too. He was my best friend. He got out of my yard and bit my 6 year old neighbor because he was in my driveway playing with a red ball that was similar to my dogs. He was always aggressive in my backyard but had never bitten anyone. I listened to too many people and put him down the day he bit my neighbor. I will regret that decision everyday for the rest of my life. He was my first dog and only 6 years old. I hate myself every day for what I did. Shane gave me everything and I repaid him by killing him. The guilt I feel is weighing me down and I feel like I will never get out from under it. It was a snap decision that I wish so badly I could take back. He wasn’t mean towards anyone in my family or any of my friends ever. He would’ve given his life for me and I took his. I feel like I can’t cope with this. I don’t know what to do.
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jeffreyburcham
Korie,

Even though I had said after each previous fight between my Apollo and my Jesse that it would be the last fight and I would have no choice but to euthanize Apollo, since he was always the aggressor, when the last (and final) fight happened December 27th, 2017 and I told my wife I was taking him to the emergency vet close to our house, it was like I made the decision too easily. It was not a hasty decision, one that had been decided years prior but I still made the call to the vet too quickly, something I can NEVER undo or forgive myself for going through with.

The guilt is too much at times, as soon as I start thinking about Apollo, I cry. He no longer is there in my bed with me and Jesse (My Lab girl Satin Marie left me June 1, 2017 from a 2 year fight with cancer and had always slept with me since she was a 3 month old puppy, which is when someone in our neighborhood dumped her near our house one morning). Apollo is no longer there to greet me when I come in the house, no longer there when I open the back door to let the other two boys outside, not there to chase the squirrels or keep the cats out of the yard.

It is so lonely without my baby baby and I know this is not realistic but I wish I could somehow go back in time and stop myself from doing what I did, regardless of the reasons. I know I was there with him at the end but it was ME that did it to him. I know I should be grateful he wasn't killed in another fight since Jesse is almost twice his size but it doesn't help. I am certain that would have been worse for me had Jesse killed him during a fight.

Having to say goodbye to 2 of my kids a little over 6 months apart is more karma than I want, even though deep down inside, I deserve the karma that came my way. I just  miss them both so much and it's still not any better.
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jeffreyburcham
Today 12/27/2019 marks the 2nd anniversary of my baby baby leaving me. I cry almost every day and not a single day goes by that I am not thinking about him.
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