I'm just heartsick.
The grief comes in waves, and when I cry and sob, it's not pretty so I try to do it when I'm alone. It's the ugly cry. The loss and sadness hits me so hard, I start to hyperventilate and feel like I'm going to vomit--much the same feeling as when in the vet's office and knowing it was goodbye. I scream in anguish into a rolled up towel. I've lost beloved dogs before, too soon because of cancer, but losing my Luigi seems to be worse. I feel so lost--he was so much a part of me and a part of my day and daily routine, I was always aware of where he was and what he was doing, never far from my side. His adopted little rescue Bichon "sister"--out of the corner of my eye--is mistaken for him when my peripheral vision notes a little white fluff on the chair next to me. The depth of my love is the depth of my grief. We don't have children, and my sister doesn't have children so there are no nieces and nephews to "love on." My dogs are my children. Not a lot of people in my real life understand that.
Heaven is the place where all the dogs you've ever loved come to greet you.