Nellysmom
My sweet little beagle was diagnosed with lymphoma on Tuesday. The oncologist said she was very sick and there was a chance chemo wouldn't work, but if it did, she could have a high quality of life for another six months. I opted to try it. Last night I got the call she wasn't doing well and I rushed to the dog hospital and held her as she passed. I don't know how with it she was or if she knew I was there. I feel so extremely upset that her last few days were spent in a busy hospital only seeing me once a day for a visit. I am so worried she thought I had abandoned her and her last days were spent thinking I had returned her to the humane society. She was my best friend and my baby. I just can't stop crying and hating myself for not just taking her home to have her euthanized at my house. I don't want her to have thought that I abandoned her when she needed me most or to have spent her days missing me and wondering why this was happening to her.
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camunki
I am sorrry for the loss of your lil beagle, I am sure her name was Nelly. Nelly does remember you being there, our pets do not hold grudges or thinks she was abandoned. She lives in the moment, and she knows you love her....you held her as she crossed that bridge. She knows that, you are her last vision and memory.

I know guilt always comes into the equation when our pets are sent to heaven. We think of the could haves and should haves etc, but in reality we really don't know what the outcome "could have" been.

Keep posting about your Nelly and know she is off on a new journey, with no pain....until you meet again.

Cam


 
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Nellysmom
Thank you for the reply. Nelly was her name. She was my best friend. My heart aches for her so. I do think she knew I was there with her at the end. My fear is that the two days of hospitalization leading up to that with only seeing me once a day left her feeling abandoned-like I had left her at the humane society where I adopted her 12 years before. This has been haunting me because I know they live in the moment and I can't stand it if I thought she felt that way for a single second at the end of her life.
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Nellysmom
My heart is so heavy. I wake up with knots in my stomach. I have to run to the bathroom to cry at work. I just can't believe she's gone. I love her so much. I would give anything to have her back.
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catiebee
Hi Nellysmom,

Of course your heart is heavy. Your grief is so, so fresh! I'm so very sorry for the loss of your Nelly. Such a beautiful girl!

I'm another lymphoma mom. Like you, I was told the chemo could buy months of time. But it wasn't to be with us, either.  It is just a horrible experience.

Please try not to beat yourself emotionally. You  were trying with everything in you to save her life. Nelly knows you love her dearly.

It takes real time to heal, and it is terribly hard. But I hope being here will help you along. People really do understand. Hugs to you!
Catie
-Missing Marissa deeply
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Susie_Squillions
Oh, Nellie's Mama --

I'm so sorry to read about your devastating loss. 

I work the front desk in a busy 24 hour emergency vet hospital where we also have an Orthopedics specialty.Our medical staff are wonderful with the patients, handling them with care, and not leaving their sides when they need care and attention. I can't tell you how many times I walk into the ICU with a message for someone, or a check-in sheet for a new arrival to find technicians and assistants in the cages with dogs, just comforting them and reassuring them. 

At the beginning of each shift, I always go to the ICU to see who is hospitalized, and I tell them that they aren't in a shelter. I explain to them that this is a hospital where people are doing their best to help them feel better, and that their people will come back for them. I swear to you, they understand me when we have our little talks. I always do the same thing before I leave at the end of my night.

This is the second E.R. facility where I've worked, and I know that it's in the nature of animal health care workers to give everything they have to the patients in their care. I know Nellie knew they were helping her, and she knew you would come back for her. 

I'm wishing you a gentle path to healing from the deep sorrow you feel now.
In one of the stars, I shall be living. In one of them, I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing when you look at the sky at night. -- The Little Prince, Antoine de Saint-Exupery

All tears are healing tears.  They help to wash away our sorrow and allow the first buds of happiness to blossom in our hearts. -- Susie "Squillions"

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A fresh start after 947 posts. March 7th, 2011. I've been coming to this wonderful site since April 6, 2004.
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Alicia_krypto
I saw this on Facebook and feel like it may help you... it really helped me a lot. Sending you love and healing...

https://m.facebook.com/HealYourselfMindBodyAndSpirit/photos/a.566519626710419.136153.566497936712588/1061538310541879/?type=1&theater
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Nellysmom
Thank you so much for the link. Beautiful and comforting words. I needed them tonight. Have been crying about Nelly's last days and feeling like I failed her by not taking her to the vet sooner.

Today I picked up the last of the items I ordered with her cremation "package" -a river rock with her pawprint and name. Seems so much more final now that we have her remains and all of the little memoribilia. The pain is still so raw although the crying now hits me in waves instead of being so constant. It's been a week and a half and I still think about her constantly. I feel like a shadow of sadness has enveloped me.
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Alicia_krypto
My tears also come in waves. Today started out ok, but once I finished my dinner I broke down again. I miss my baby so much.
Ugh, I’m still waiting for my “package” to arrive. They said it could take 6 weeks for me to get Krypto’s ashes. And another week for the paw print. I just want him in my house again. Maybe the vibes here will be better once I have his ashes.
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normsmom
Hi Nelly's mom,

I was drawn to your post because I too have felt so much guilt about my boy Norman spending his last days in a hospital. I take comfort in knowing that I was doing what I thought was best for him at the time, and I know he wouldn't want me to beat myself up for it. I couldn't have known that I should have given up sooner. Hindsight is 20/20. We want them to be okay and we would do anything to save them. That's what you did, from a place of love, and I am certain Nelly knew that. I am so deeply sorry for your loss. The early days are gut-wrenching and unbearable. I hope Susie's post (and all the other words of kindness here) have brought some comfort during this very sad time.

Heather

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Nellysmom
Heather,

Thanks so much for your kind words. The grief is still hitting me in waves but the guilt is starting to subside. I still feel so sad she couldn't have been at home with me where she would have been comfortable. I hope her last few days didn't overshadow our last 12 years together in Nelly's mind. I am so sorry for your loss of Norman as well. It helps to know I'm not alone.
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normsmom
Nelly's mom,

You are not alone. You've found a wonderful, supportive place here at this forum filled with people who understand. It can be helpful to read their stories, and to share (when you're ready) more about your Nelly. The guilt, the heartbreak, the disbelief... all of these emotions are also a sign of how deeply we loved our pets. There is no way a few days overshadowed your wonderful time with Nelly, but I also think it's very natural for you to feel that way.

You did the very best you could for her with the information you had. That's all she would have asked or expected of you. To act on her behalf in the way you believed was best, out of a place of unconditional love for your sweet girl.

The waves of grief - yes. Overwhelming for sure. I am so sorry this has happened to you and that you are going through this pain. Be kind to yourself. The next little while will be truly awful, but you have friends here at the forum. 

Thinking of you,
Heather
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Nellysmom
Susie, I want to thank you for your kind post. I just got a card in the mail from the emergency vet where Nelly spent her last few days. I could tell from some of the messages that Nelly was cared for there and wasn't just another patient. I also exchanged emails with the overnight vet and she said she kept a careful watch on Nelly while she was under her care. That helped ease my worry a bit too. It was just such a busy place and my little Nelly seemed so uncomfortable. It still breaks me up so much to even think about the last few times I saw her. I just want to hold her again. My heart aches so for her.
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