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Samsonisthebestdog

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Posts: 67
Reply with quote  #76 
Samson,

Today is a good day. At night is the time I think of you most. When daylight fades into night and the birds quiet down. You usually sat at my feet or behind me on your blanket. Those spots are empty because Dirk sits beside me on an ottoman. You helped me so much when I was depressed. You made me grow into a better person. I had someone else to take care of. You came to us before Dirk. We got Dirk to keep you company because you were so attached to me. I love Dirk just as much but you were our first. Sometimes I wish I didn't hold you as you died. It will haunt me forever. On the other hand, I was there with you while you suffered. It is hard both ways but I'm with you in one way. I miss when you would sneak licks at me between running behind me. I miss when you would look at me so sweetly when I rubbed your head and ears. You're my angel forever.
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Samsonisthebestdog

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Posts: 67
Reply with quote  #77 
Samson,

It's almost 3am. I can never sleep at night. Its hard when my mind wanders to your sweet face. I just want to kiss it one last time. I write to you mostly at night because it's when I mostly think of you. Its when I coddled you. When I gave you a treat and let you out before bed. When I would rub your mane and head. You loved it. The last few weeks you slept outside my room. You slept by the water bowl or on the couch. I think you felt too hot in my room and was always thirsty because of your lasix medicine. I didn't think of you as declining because you were always hardheaded and did what you wanted. I should have saw that you weren't as happy. The vet just told us heart murmurs can last their whole life or could die tonight for all we know. I just assumed it would be a deteriorating thing. That I would have warning signs. You fell sick and died within an 8 hour period in the middle of the night in winter. I'm sorry. In so sorry. I was freaking out and just hoping you would make it when the vet opens. I'm sorry I keep rehashing it with you Samson. It haunts me. I still have nightmares. I want so bad for you to not have felt pain at the end. It hurts me so much that you did. I relive it so many times. Even when I dont want to. Waking up and hating Jake for how he acted and hating myself for how I acted. We should have taken you to the hospital 2 and a half hours away but I didn't know. I wasn't even thinking. I just kept being stupid and spamming calls to local vets even though they weren't open or had emergency numbers. I was such an idiot. I dont know what came over me. I should have took the car and drove it. Why would I think you could make it? I dont know. I ask myself why I acted that way that night many times and still dont know how stupid I was. When the vet saw that you had fluid in your left lung. He just told us to up the lasix. I should have asked for more options. I dont know what I was thinking. I have so many regrets with you Samson. The only thing I can take out of it is the happiness you gave me, Jake, and Dirk. You loved us and visited all of us throughout the day. You were such a good boy. I love you forever my angel.
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Samsonisthebestdog

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Posts: 67
Reply with quote  #78 
Samson,

I was thinking of you today. It was only a few months ago you were alive. It seems to have gone by fast and slow at the same time. Is that possible? I was reading articles and looking at videos to cope with grief. Some of them made me irrationally upset. Some of them would suggest only focusing on the good times. That you need to let go of sadness. It made me angry. I don't know why. I don't want to be sad. I don't want to be happy either. It makes me feel worse to be happy. Like I shouldn't be happy because you are gone. Why would I only think of the good times when I was the only one who witnessed your pain. Why should I forget what horrible pain you went through. It seems like everyone is telling me to forget it but it's what happened. It's how you suffered. The way you looked at me. I guess I'm crazy. It feels like everyone wants me to move on. If I move on, who will remember you. It hurts. I am just a jumble of stupid thoughts. I wish you could tell me how you feel. I don't want to forget because I was the only one to see it. I don't want to forget it because it makes me want to be better. But at the same time, it causes me so much sadness. You were always sensible. I need to think sensibly like you Samson. I want to be happy again but it's so freaking hard. I don't want to be a mess all my life. I want to be with you. I love you Samson. Please forgive me my sensible Samson. I will try to be a better person every day for you.
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Samsonisthebestdog

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Posts: 67
Reply with quote  #79 
Samson,

It has been rainy all week and it seems more rain is coming. You always hated rain so I'm glad that mother nature saved these days after you were gone :P. Dirk will run out and if he feels a touch of rain then he will run back in. He always followed you out because you went out and did your business and ran back in to bed. You were such a cutie. I've had so many pictures of you. I look through them and smile and sometimes cry. I think I'm getting better but some days I feel I'm worse. It is hard without you. Our love will keep me through it. You loved me so much. I know that from the bottom of my heart. I cleaned up a lot today. It made me cry finding your hair and rawhide that you hid from Dirk. I found a rawhide between the fridge and the stove. Now I remember why you were sniffing there so much. It made me smile. Like you left me a gift to cheer me up. You are so sweet Samson. I'm crying as I type this but it's sort of happy tears. I've been reading such horrible horrible news lately on the internet. I tried to bring some sense to it but there is no sense in violence. You were always the calm one. Maybe you can teach these criminals how to behave. Dirk has been so cute. He's been really happy because I try to walk him as many times as I can. Even if it's down the block. He loves it. He prances and has a jaunty little walk. You would be proud of how much better he is doing as the days go by Samson. He is still always looking for other dogs. I feel bad but I'm not sure we will get another. Its hard and I'm still hurt over you. I don't want to be unfair to the new dog. I remember when we got you as a stray. You were so small. 6 months old and soo skinny. Then when you were 2. We got Dirk. He was 3 at the time. You were very overprotective that first week and was kind of cranky towards him. He won you over with his playfulness and kisses. He misses you. We all miss you. If there is a rainbow road, I hope you are having the best time. No pain, no sorrow, no regrets. Just happiness and being carefree. That's what I hope happens. I love you so much it hurts. Goodnight Sam-sam.
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Samsonisthebestdog

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Posts: 67
Reply with quote  #80 
Samson,

I've been feeling down tonight. Worse than usual. I always get super lonely at night. I miss and love you. Forever my little friend.
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Samsonisthebestdog

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Posts: 67
Reply with quote  #81 
Samson,

I'm happy tonight. It feels like I'm starting to feel like myself. I miss you so much though. Dirk was licking me and making me laugh. I realized he was licking my lips cause I just ate tacos. Made me giggle. We are doing okay. I am really wanting a good job but it's kind of hard for where we live. Really, I want to have children but it will happen when the time and financials are right. Whenever that will be. It seemed easier with you around. I think cause you always cheered me up. You with your sweet angelic face. I love you. Dirk loves you. Jake loves you. We wish you were here. Sweet dreams my samsam.
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Samsonisthebestdog

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Posts: 67
Reply with quote  #82 
Samson,

I'm rubbing dirks ears in bed. He loves it. He gets extra cuddles and kisses now that you're gone. I'm doing good. Everyone is doing fine. Remember when I first saw you? You were so cute. You attached yourself to me. I love you so much. I still have your medicine bottles. I can't seem to throw it away. Dirk also lost his collar. So we let him use yours when we walk and it's like you're with us. It has Jake's number so it still works if he is lost. They might just call him Samson which is kinda funny. I like it. It's like your spirit is with us. It makes me smile during our walks. Sometimes I still cry thinking of you. It hurts still. I know you would want me to be happy. I hope you are happy too wherever you may be. I love you my little Samson. Sweet dreams.
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