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Living_with_tragedy

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Reply with quote  #61 

Hi Samson's mom,

Poor Dirk. He may be missing Samson. We have Porter, he is Parker's blood brother. I always thought it would Porter and Parker forever, until they were old. We also have a bigger brother, Leroy, a Beagle. We don't like leaving Porter alone because he and Parker used to share a crate when we were out. He always had his brother. If we have to take Leroy somewhere we don't want to leave Porter alone. Porter pulls on his harness, he was always like that. He gets real excited on walks and in the car.  It must have been comforting for Dirk to cuddle with his brother. I'm sure Porter misses that from Parker. All 3 of them cuddled at night for sleep. Leroy misses his grooming. It's a big loss in this house, almost unbelievable that it ever happened. I'm still in denial and have not accepted it. It's tearing me apart. 

I always thought my dogs would be here till old age, I took them for granted. Now I worry about his brothers. I wasn't worried like that before. Porter is being treated for pancreatitis and I am keeping my fingers crossed. I couldn't bear another loss, too. I think I will go over the edge. I wasn't there when Parker passed, but I have a feeling he didn't pass from anesthesia. There wasn't anything in the notes about that, but there was a note about him being afraid and putting up a fight, that's because he was probably petrified. If this was a caring vet, he would have called me to tell me my dog was in panic mode and should have immediately canceled that "routine" procedure instead of keeping him there scared to death. That is cruelty. It was a voluntary procedure, not life-saving. He could have stopped everything. He kept my dog there against his will and I was never notified.

My dog was healthy and young. No reason for him to not survive. I believe my dog died because of being petrified, maybe a heart attack or a combination of the sedatives and fear. I think his anxiety was a factor. His heart was probably beating so fast, his blood pressure was probably off the charts, his glucose off the charts. There were NO vitals documented. They are supposed to document his heart rate, etc. Very suspicious. I had nightmares and sometimes I still have them of him crying, screaming and trying to get out of their grips, maybe them manhandling him, falling to the floor and being injured or killed. It's a bad dream I have that somehow seems it could have happened. I feel so guilty for letting him go there. I knew he was afraid, but I thought if he was then the vet would call me. My guilt is never-ending. Everyday I have crying bouts.

We both have small dogs, they usually live very long. We know now anything can happen. I won't take my dogs for granted again. I have been staying with them more often now. I don't want to be out too long in case one of them gets sick. 

You went through a lot. You don't need another tragedy. I hope Dirk lives a very, very long time and if it's just natural old age that happens. 

You take care.  I gave my dogs a hug for you. Please do same with Dirk for me.

Parker's mom


Parker and Samson, please watch over us. We hope you are happy wherever you are.  We send our love to you. We miss you.

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Samsonisthebestdog

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Reply with quote  #62 
Brandon,

I'm so sorry about your cat. It sounds as if it was natural. Hopefully she didn't suffer. Maybe the other cat was just trying to tell you something. I know some animals can tell if a seizure is going to happen. Do not assume the worst my friend. She was taken from you so soon but I'm sure you have lots of fond memories as well. Memories of Samson is like the only thing I have to keep me going. I am sure the same could be said of your sweet cat.
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Samsonisthebestdog

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Reply with quote  #63 
Parkers Mom,

I'm so sorry about what happened. It sounds horrible. Nightmares are the worst. It can feel crippling to wake up from a nightmare. In some ways, I try to think of what Samson would have wanted me to feel or think. We were so connected. I'm sure you have thought about the same with Parker. Samson always wanted to just be near me. He wasn't exactly snuggly because he overheated easily and he didn't like feeling like he couldn't breathe but I remember the times where he came to me and just sat by my feet. Letting me rub his mane and belly. Thoughts like that help me through the day. Another way to help you get through is something I have recently started doing. I always say to myself when I'm scared (i have major anxiety) or nervous is that "Samson went through that night so brave... I could do this" and honestly. It helps so much. Remember that Parker went through that then you could get through this. My pain isnt even half of what Samson felt that night. It makes me a better person and makes me try harder. I hope it helps you. Nightmares are sucky but remember that Parker doesn't want more pain. Samson doesn't want more pain either. I think they both want us to think of the memories fondly. It helps with my nightmares. Hopefully it helps with yours and if it doesn't. Here's a picture of me rubbing Dirks chest before bed. That will surely chase that nightmare away :P

Attached Images
jpeg 20190506_002340.jpg (203.21 KB, 6 views)

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Samsonisthebestdog

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Reply with quote  #64 
Samson,

I haven't slept and its 530am. My mind always floats to your face at night. I cry almost every night because of it. I can't help it. I keep rethinking your last weeks. I remember trying to take you for a walk with Dirk and you wouldn't go. Maybe I should have taken that as a sign but you were always a bit allergic to exercise.
The vet always told me that we should try to egg you on to exercise but now I'm remembering that day you didn't want to go. Maybe I should have called the vet then. I dont know. My heart still aches when I remember trying to pull the leash for you to go and you sat there. I feel like such a bad person. Maybe you were in pain and I didn't know. When we took you to the vet like a month and a half or two months before you passed, the vet said you had some fluid in your left lung. He didn't do anything for it and said the lasix should take care of it. You were already on lasix though. I keep thinking of you at the door wanting to just go back inside. I should have known.
I feel like I'm questioning the vets actions. Rethinking everything and he made it seem like there was nothing to be done. I'm sure something could be done. You always hated the vet. Your whole body shook sometimes there.
I am turning into such a worry wart about Dirk. Even if he coughs one time. I freak out and keep looking at him. I already brought Dirk in for vomiting twice in a week. The vet almost laughed at me. He said its common for some dogs to vomit sometimes but only come in if it's like 3 in a row. I dont even know what to look for. I almost kind of hate this vet. I'm sure he isnt doing anything wrong but I just feel like he isnt invested. He doesn't care at all.
I had to remove your face as my phone background. It made me burst into tears almost everytime I looked at it. I would rub the phone picture as if I was rubbing your mane. It became unbearable. I had to switch it and doing it also made me feel horrible. I feel like parts of you keep disappearing. I even cried vacuuming your hair off the carpet. I just want you near me again.
Dirk is very sweet to me lately. He's clinging to me maybe because he knows I need some comfort. He is such a good dog. I miss seeing you two wrestle and run. I dont want more of you missing from my life but it feels as though your things are slowly falling away from our life. Your hair, your pictures, your smell. I want to hold onto all of it so badly. I dont know if I can. I just know that I love you. Jake and Dirk love you. We wish you were here Sam-sam.
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Samsonisthebestdog

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Reply with quote  #65 
Samson,

Today I found a lump under dirks upper lip. I need to call the vet tomorrow. I dont know how long he has had it or if its causing him pain. He seems to eat fine but he has always barfed up water a bit after drinking it. The vet told me a long time ago that he thinks Dirk was drinking too fast but what if this lump was the cause. I'm freaking out. I can't lose Dirk. I'm so scared. The vet told us we needed to schedule a tooth cleaning this year for Dirk a month ago or two. That he is at that age for losing his teeth. The vet told me that his teeth doesn't have good roots and that they are very small. Maybe he has an infection. I'm so scared of losing the only one I have. I dont think I can survive it. It is probably benign or maybe he bumped his lip. I'm hoping for the best but I can't help but be so scared. I love you so much Samson. I love Dirk Nibbler too. Trying to think good thoughts tonight. Sweet dreams Samson the feral.
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Living_with_tragedy

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Reply with quote  #66 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Samsonisthebestdog
Samson,

Today I found a lump under dirks upper lip. I need to call the vet tomorrow. I dont know how long he has had it or if its causing him pain. He seems to eat fine but he has always barfed up water a bit after drinking it. The vet told me a long time ago that he thinks Dirk was drinking too fast but what if this lump was the cause. I'm freaking out. I can't lose Dirk. I'm so scared. The vet told us we needed to schedule a tooth cleaning this year for Dirk a month ago or two. That he is at that age for losing his teeth. The vet told me that his teeth doesn't have good roots and that they are very small. Maybe he has an infection. I'm so scared of losing the only one I have. I dont think I can survive it. It is probably benign or maybe he bumped his lip. I'm hoping for the best but I can't help but be so scared. I love you so much Samson. I love Dirk Nibbler too. Trying to think good thoughts tonight. Sweet dreams Samson the feral.


Hi Samson and Dirk's mom,
I hope the lump is nothing serious for Dirk. Don't rush into dental cleaning until you are know what to expect.  Before you do any teeth cleaning ask a million questions, this is what I did not do. I should have asked how strong the sedatives and anesthesia were and what to expect. The vet I went to was supposed to talk to me about the procedure and the risks, it's a law here. He didn't do that, he broke that law, that is on my list in my complaint letter.

Had he talked to us about it we could have asked questions and made an educated decision. Remember what happened to me, and my dog was healthy and only 6. Ask if the techs are licensed and certified and if there are any people who are not licensed who will be doing anything during the procedure. Ask how long the vet stays in the room and if he is the one giving the anesthesia. Is he there during recovery.  I am sorry I never asked or knew any of this. Get the lab work and anything else they suggest. Make sure you know what the results are and if there any flagged items, ask why they are flagged.  I didn't know. The vet I went to did not tell me the lab work had flagged items and I didn't get a copy of it until it was too late. He never discussed the lab work with me, very sneaky.  Look up online, there are sites that give advice on what to ask before a dental cleaning.   

I don't want to make you paranoid, but do what I didn't do, and that is ask all about the procedure, don't be afraid. I wish I had another chance. Don't we all? 

Saying prayers for Dirk. Keeping fingers crossed. 

Tina 
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Samsonisthebestdog

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Reply with quote  #67 
Tina,

Thank you for your advice. It turned out I actually really needed it as Dirk needs a dental cleaning. I will definitely look it up before doing anything. I'm so sorry about your pet. It sounds so horrible. It is not your fault. I hope you find peace.
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Samsonisthebestdog

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Reply with quote  #68 
Samson,

It turns out Dirk just needs a dental cleaning earlier than they realized. Tarter is rubbing against his lip which is getting inflamed. He has an appt next week I was really worried and asked tons of questions. They will do bloodwork beforehand because he is 9 years old. They want to make sure everything will be safe. They told me that they will tell me every step and if anything is flagged, the procedure won't happen. It really calmed my fears. It is better than cancer of the mouth or anything equally as deadly. He is healthy otherwise.
I also inquired again about his drinking and vomiting a little water after. The vet has told me he firmly believes it's because of dirks small snout and mouth. It happens to pugs too sometimes. He told me to try giving Dirk ice cubes instead. I tried that but Dirk does not like ice cubes. He let's them melt and doesn't even drink what's left. Maybe I will try something else like those maze bowls and just put shallow water.
We finally got the hand carved box we ordered on Amazon for Samson's ashes. It's beautiful. It didn't cost much but I dont care and I know Samson doesn't. He was always sensible about everything and I knew he would tell me to be sensible and not take out so much money to buy a box. It kind of felt like a closure but it also made me sad. Sometimes I run my hands across the box and pretend it's you when I'm really sad. I hope you watch over your brother next week Samson. He's going to need it for his dental visit.
We walked Dirk today and came across a small chihuahua from the neighbor's yard. It was running free and so cute. Dirk and the little guy just ran around and pounced at each other. Although they just air pounced and never actually touched. It was so cute. I wish I could kiss your face again. You were always looking at me so sweet. I just want that look again. I love you Samson the sensible.
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Samsonisthebestdog

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Reply with quote  #69 
I think he senses you.

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Samsonisthebestdog

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Reply with quote  #70 
Samson,

Dirks teeth cleaning went great. He only lost 2 teeth. He is doing wonderful. We miss you so much. I keep thinking of you everytime we walk past your favorite spots by the creek. You loved doing your little gallop around there. You had the cutest happy jaunt. I wish I could see it again. I love you always and forever my big baboushka.
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Living_with_tragedy

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Reply with quote  #71 
Dirk and Samson's Mom,

I am so relieved to hear the cleaning and extractions worked out great for Dirk. I wish I had gone to your vet.  Any other vet would have been better.

I will say prayers for Dirk.  

- Parker's Mom
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Samsonisthebestdog

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Reply with quote  #72 
Samson,

Some nights I can't help but sit up and cry about you. I know crying won't bring you back but sometimes I have so much sadness inside. It's hard to hold it in and I cry about how hurt you were that last day. I miss your whines and your paw stomps. I miss your smell and your face. You were so brave. I wish i did better for you. I love you.
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Samsonisthebestdog

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Reply with quote  #73 
Samson,

Tonight is really rough. I keep thinking of how much you followed me from room to room. I am surrounded by Jake and Dirk but I feel so lonely. I am trying to not spiral into depression. It sucks that I can't find a good job. It sucks that I feel so alone. It sucks that you're not here for me to hold and look to for advice. You were always silent when I looked at you but your eyes told me what I needed to know. You were such a sweetheart. You were always so afraid of storms. You used to pant every time it stormed under one of our desks or beside us. I wish I could just hold you and let you lick me. I never let you lick me because I wore lotion. I wish I could have let you lick me a lot on my face or arms. You were always a kisser. I feel so much guilt. I don't know if I can stand it. You were my baby. One of my soulmates. You were connected to me so deep. I don't know why I didn't think you were going to die that night. My mind couldn't accept it. I'm so sorry Samson. I love you so much. I try to do better everyday in your memory. I hold your box of ashes and wish you knew that. I wish you know how much I love you and cared. I never wanted pain for you. NEVER! I'm so sorry about what happened. I love you and always will. You are my ball of feral sunshine.
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Living_with_tragedy

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Reply with quote  #74 
Hi Samson's Mom,

I'm sorry you are having a bad night.  It's so difficult, isn't it?   I begin to feel I'm doing a little better and then I fall backwards.  I hope you can get through this. 

It's 5 months for me and I'm almost the same as the first day.  Trying.  When it's tragic or unexpected, I think it's harder.  We know that.  

My guilt overcomes me and shrouds my grief. Then I'm really a mess.  I'm sorry you are missing Samson.  He sounds affectionate like my Parker was. Full of kisses. 

Take care Samson's Mom.  I hope we both can get past the guilt and then the grief, and then be able to smile again while we think of the good memories.  I'm not there yet.

~ Parker's Mom
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Samsonisthebestdog

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Reply with quote  #75 
Parker's Mom,

Some nights are super difficult. I try not to overwhelm Jake about it. He wasn't as affected as me cause he didn't see the ending. I know what you mean about guilt overcoming grief. Sometimes I feel that I haven't properly grieved because I'm still feeling immense guilt. I'm sorry you aren't feeling your best as well. I saw a comic today of a cat and a dog sitting outside the heaven gates. When God asked them to come in. They said they were waiting on someone with their backs to the gate. It was so cute. I am not religious but that made me feel nice. I know Samson would have waited for me. Just as Parker for you. Life is hard but we take it day by day.
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