missyou

I had to put my cat to sleep and it is tearing me apart. I brought her to the vet where they did blood work and told me her kidneys were badly infected or shutting down. She was diabetic and wasn't eating or drinking so her sugars were off. She was very dehydrated and her white blood count was real high. Her body temp was low and the vet said she had an arrhythmia. Moses was 15. She was fine in the morning a day prior but just laying on the floor when I got home that night...she hadn't eaten her breakfast and wasn't hungry. She and I sat together all night and I brought her to the Vet the next day. The vet put her on an IV with antibiotics and wrapped her in towels with warm water bottles surrounding her. He asked me to leave her for the day and return by 5-6 to see how she was doing. I returned and was told that she hadn't produced any urine. Her bladder was empty. He explained that this meant her body was filling up with toxins and if her kidneys had failed there was nothing we could do. He said normally the IV and antibiotics should run constant for at least 24 hours to show results but that they were closing for a 3 day week end so I would have to either take her home or bring her to another vet...he stressed that her heart might not make it through the treatment and that her kidneys may be shut down based on the empty bladder. I didn't know what to do but couldn't stand the thought of her suffering so I agreed to put her to sleep. My vet allowed me to hold her while he gave her the injection. Moses died in my arms and the vet left me there for some alone time with my cat. After a few minutes I realized i was covered in urine...Moses had a full bladder! The vet was already gone when I carried Moses out to the reception staff. I told them I had only opted for this choice because she had an empty bladder meaning her kidneys were gone. I put my very best friend to sleep for no reason. All comforting memories are covered by guilt now. I can't feel anything but pain and regret. My bill for this can be paid in a years time so each and every month I am going to pay for what I did to my beloved cat over and over and over. Moses gave me 15 years of joy and unconditional love. She has been there for me through everything...and I took her life. I made my hard decision based on what I was told but that isn't helping me. I am heartbroken and riddled with guilt. I miss her so much.

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donnalee
missyou,
My heart breaks for all of what you are going through, especially the guilt.  Many of us here have been guided in the wrong direction from information vets gave us (or didn't give us).   There are others here at this site who took their healthy baby in for very routine procedures (for example--dental cleaning, to be neutered)  and returned to find they did not make it through the procedure.   There is a lot of anguish but we trust the medical professional to know what what he/she is doing and talking about.  You can not be faulted for listening to the vet.  No matter what, you are going to go through a painful, sad, difficult time because you just lost your best friend who gave you so much love and joy.  You probably don't want to hear this at this moment, but, it sounds as if she had some serious health problems.   You might very well have come to the same conclusion, only a bit later.  It seems as if she was suffering.  Typically, they don't even show us how much pain they are in.  I am so sure your precious Moses does not hold it against you at all.  In fact, she might be very grateful to you for being so loving as to release her from her pain. 
I know you are completely heartbroken and, please know, we all hurt for you.   You will find many people who understand and who have been through similar circumstances.  It doesn't take away the pain but it seems to help to know that others really do understand what you are going through.  Here, you are free to express your anger, hurt, sadness, all of your thoughts and feelings and no one will criticize or judge you.  You are in my thoughts and prayers. 
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moonglow
Dear Missyou,
Your guilt will wear off, you are traumatized by having to make an extremely difficult decision, to spare your kitty any more pain. I had to do the same thing 2 weeks ago and I have been balling my eyes over the loss of my baby. The truth of it is,
we love our pets so much yet we usually outlive them. Your kitty lived a long and happy life with you. You did your very best right up to the final decision, trust that it was her time to go to heaven. We always want more time with them.. Pets know how much we love them, if our pets had to put us to sleep when our time came, they would feel the same torn emotions. Nobody wants to have that responsibility but we have no choice.  Guilt is a huge part of the grieving process,
but as you move through the process you will know in your heart you did the right thing. Thanks for sharing your pain, you will survive this and you are not alone.

I love you my dearest and sweetest little boy "Archie"
I'll be there my little soft baby!
10/27/00 - 12/13/10
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always_tuffy
missyou,
I am sorry you have lost your friend. You made a difficult decision, but you did it to spare her more pain.
I understand how guilty you feel, also anger you are feeling toward the vet.
Guilt and anger are two major components of loss. It is very human and normal to have these feelings.
I speak to you from my personal experience with diabetes and kidney failure.  The release of urine at death is normal. It does not mean her bladder was empty. It does not mean your decision to euthanize her was wrong or that the vet gave you bad info.  Diabetes is a killer, both for humans and for animals. I understand you doubt your judgment. That is normal in a loss so new. But you displayed great love, courage and compassion. You chose to lose her company rather than allow her to continue to fail. To place her need before yours is a sign of selfless & great love.

You are in my thoughts,
Regina
Death leaves a heartache no one can heal;
Love leaves a memory no one can steal.

Tuffy, My Puppy Love
June 20, 2005-July 26, 2010

Becky Leigh, Queen of my Heart
December 2010-November 10, 2015
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missyou

Another sleepless night. Moses always slept with me. It is so hard to be here in this house without her. My guilt is overwhelming. I think that I may have been able to handle her death a little better had I not put her to sleep. The fact that I took her life is what is ripping me apart, after all of the Life Moses gave me. I trusted the Vet. I believed her Kidneys were not working. When I drove home drenched in urine I knew I made the wrong choice...but it WAS made out of compassion for Moses. I was trying to be selfless...trying to think about her quality of life...not mine. I couldn't handle the thought of making her live without kidney function and possible other issues just to avoid my pain of losing her. I thank you all for not hating me as much as I hate myself right now.

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donnalee
Dear missyou,
I understand and you can't force yourself to feel a certain way.  Just take the time you need to grieve and we are here for you.  For many of us, this loss is the hardest loss we have ever had to go through, so we understand. As someone else mentioned, the guilt and anger are a big part of what we go through as we grieve.   

I'm glad Regina cleared up that it may not have been bad info from the vet.  I know absolutely nothing about medical issues, but it seems that whether there was urine in the bladder or not, she wasn't able to get it out.  My point is that she had some serious health problems.   Maybe, at some point, when you are better, you could go back to the vet to talk about what happened and get some questions answered.  It will take time for you to process everything that has happened. 
I also wanted my little boy to pass naturally and he was so close to it for a while that I really thought it was going to happen that way.  However, I eventually had to make that decision and make that drive to the vet's office because I couldn't let him suffer anymore.    It is amazing how long the physical body will continue to barely hang on even when the pain and the sickness is too much to endure.  For a long time, I was upset about something that happened at the last animal hospital.  I finally had to make an appointment and go in and talk to the vet and ask questions.  I have to say it didn't completely resolve all of the anger I had at the time but I felt somewhat better and, at least, had answers to some of my questions.
Of course, we don't hate you.  We know you loved Moses and Moses knows that, too.  I hope as the days pass, you will come to realize that you made the loving decision and you have no reason to hate yourself.   You gave Moses a wonderful life filled with love.  I agree with Moonglow....that Moses is in heaven and is completely painfree and playful as a kitten right now and so thankful that he had you as his Mom. 
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niki
i just wanted to say how sorry i was to read your post, please dont hate yourself....
Moses had a wonderful life with you and it so obvious how much love was there................
it is the most painful time i know,i went thru losing my black cat last february,she was 13.......... that is how i found this place thank god...
i dont know what else to say but how terribly sorry i am to read what you have been going thru.
being a fanatical cat lover myself i can feel how painful it is ,
just wanted to say how sorry i felt and that you are not alone here
take care
Niki

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niki
i just wanted to say how sorry i was to read your post, please dont hate yourself....
Moses had a wonderful life with you and it so obvious how much love was there................
it is the most painful time i know,i went thru losing my black cat last february,she was 13.......... that is how i found this place thank god...
i dont know what else to say but how terribly sorry i am to read what you have been going thru.
being a fanatical cat lover myself i can feel how painful it is ,
just wanted to say how sorry i felt and that you are not alone here
take care
Niki

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always_tuffy
(this is in reply to what you wrote at my thread titled Reflecting on 2010, ...  I originally replied to you there, but want to make sure you see this. I knew you would here.)
 
missyou,
I do know how you feel. I do understand the turmoil you are in, the guilt, the anger, the doubting of your decision. Everyone here does.
I can understand, but can't change what you are going through, but there is something I want to reassure you of, in the strongest way possible! Moses was not just a cat. She was, is and always will be your family. You can't just get over it, any more than you could just get over the loss of parent, sibling or child.  Every minute, every emotion of your grieving is valid. I'm sorry Mark is trying to minimize your loss. No one here will. You keep telling us of your sorrow. You are not rambling, you are pouring out your heart, expressing the life & love you & Moses shared.
Missyou, my loss of my baby dog Tuffy is oh so similar to yours. I could try to reassure you about several things now, but I don't believe now is the time. Now is the time to send you my deepest sympathies, let you know you are not alone and that this Bridge community cares deeply. For you & for your dear friend Moses.
As I wrote to another a few minutes ago, "the depth of your grief is equal to the depth of your love for Moses".

Love to you,
Regina


Death leaves a heartache no one can heal;
Love leaves a memory no one can steal.

Tuffy, My Puppy Love
June 20, 2005-July 26, 2010

Becky Leigh, Queen of my Heart
December 2010-November 10, 2015
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missyou

Tears and more tears...thank you Regina for your kind words and understanding.

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