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staop2003

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Reply with quote  #1 
I have to go back to the day it happened.  I was at work and got a call from my sister asking me if I could leave.  You know when you get that sinking feeling in your gut and you know you don't want to hear what they have to say.  I said yes, why?  She said that my boyfriend called her to say that Taz was sick and in a lot of pain - he didn't know what to do and he didn't want to call me because he knew how upset I would become.  My first reaction was to say, I can't do this...I can't do this......I can't lose her.  But I had to face what was happening.  I called my boyfriend.  He told me that when he came home he went in the kitchen and Tax wasn't there and he went right outside and found her near our grill (she was on her side and barely breathing).  He wrapped her in a towel and brought her inside (we were having a terrible rain storm that day and it was really HOT).  Now, my pug couldn't get down our outside steps - so I took her out and placed her at the bottom and then would get her back up. She NEVER went down the steps because she knew she couldn't get back up.  If she had to go during the day - she would go at the top of the steps and I would just rinse it at night.  She was my baby...I didn't mind. So, I am on the phone with my boyfriend and I can hear my baby in the back howling in pain.  I told my boyfriend to get her in the car and to the vet NOW.  I left work and was immediately caught in bumper to bumper traffic, in tears and hysterical.  It took me over 1 1/2 hours to get to the vet - the whole time my boyfriend didn't call so I knew it was bad.  When I arrived he was outside looking defeated - and his eyes were all red.  I knew that my worst fear was about to come true - something that I dreaded so about a year.  I asked him what they said.....he said the vet had to tell you I cut her off I couldn't make a decision.  You had to be here.  Just Breath...............we go in and sit down and she comes in.  Here we go......it looks like Taz suffered from heat stroke and some kind of episode.  Almost like a stroke.  The vet said that she didn't know what happened first but she thinks she had the episode first and then went outside to die.  I didn't want to hear this....not Taz....not my baby. Please god don't take her.  She's blind, deaf, can't walk, can't breath without oxygen.  Doesn't know if she will make it through the night.  Maybe a 30% chance of making it through the night.  And then she wouldn't be the dog that I knew she would be about 20% back to herself.....she wouldn't be able to walk, eat, see, hear........oh, my god....please NO.  Not Taz please, no.....that's all I kept saying.  After it all was explained I asked my vet what she would do if it was her dog...she said, I would let her go.  She really didn't think she would make it through the night.  I was so afraid to get a call that Taz died during the night all alone without me there...I just couldn't.  We went to see her......when I saw my baby hooked up to an IV in an oxygen tank fighting for every breath, with her eyes open but not seeing anything I wanted to die.  The vet opened the door and I bent down and let her smell me and told her I was there and I was so sorry that I got here so late but I'm here, I'm here Mom-Mom....Mommy is right here with you baby.  It's okay...mommy is here.  I couldn't see her like this...she didn't even acknowledge me...I don't know if she even knew I was there but I hope she did...I pray she did.  She wasn't alone....we were there.  I just sat and stroked her head telling her how much I loved her and it was okay to leave...it was okay...mommy would be okay.......the vet came in and helped her cross over.  My god my heart broke....I never cried that much....never.  And it continues today.  I hurt, I miss her, I'm sad, depressed.....day by day.....I know......but should I have waited?  Just one night? What if?

Stacy
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nicokudo

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Reply with quote  #2 

Stacy,

You made the right decision to let your baby cross over. She had lived her life; her body was quickly falling apart. This is such a hard choice, but hearing you tell about what was happening, it was truly time Stacy.

Your vet was right; it was time.  One more night would have been for you, not for Taz.  She was ready to go.  You made the right decision for you and for her.  One day a few months down the road this will be more and more clear to you.

You were able to hold Taz as she left and yes I truly believe that they know we are there even when they are very sick.  She knew that mommy was there.. would there be a better way to go than having the most important person in your life holding you and telling you how much they love you.  She knew.

Karen






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Karen,Kudo and Nico's mom
Earth mom to Marco and Bella
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tikibarb

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Reply with quote  #3 
Poor little Taz' body just couldn't hold on any more.  She waited for you so you could say goodbye.  You made the right decision.  She is whole now and playing with Ted and the others.  You will hold her again when it is your turn to cross the Bridge.  I am so sorry you are in so much pain.  I had to make a similar decision and I still struggle with the what-ifs.  Ted had been hit by a car and he would not have survived the night.  We helped him cross over and it was the most painful thing I have endured in my entire 53 years of life.  I remember begging God to let him live but there was no hope so I truly understand your pain.  They say time heals all wounds and some days are better than others I can feel that your pain, like mine, is still raw.  I don't know when we will feel better but I do believe that they are happy and whole and waiting for us.  
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Barbara Lyngarkos
My Beloved Ted 8/7/2005 - 7/7/10
http://rainbowsbridge.com/residents/TED001/Resident.htm
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DebbieD

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Reply with quote  #4 
Taz was absolutely ready to go and for you to be able to be there with her - I hope it brings you comfort in time. To be there to hold them when they cross over is something to hold on to.

As has been stated here - it seems that no matter what the circumstance or decision, we here on this forum feel guilt. Mine is that I didn't make the decision because we were still fighting to find a diagnosis and determine what was wrong and so my Misty passed shortly after I visited her and I struggle with the guilt of her being alone and that she suffered needlessly because in the end she passed anyway. Try and be good to yourself - Taz loves you and maybe she held on for you to be with her.
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had2505

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Reply with quote  #5 
Stacy,

Please know that you are not alone here.  You did the right thing in helping Taz cross over.  You may not feel it now because your grief is so strong.  Taz knew you were there, even without a response our babies know we are there.

We had to help our sweet Vesta cross over on Monday and I'm just glad we were there to help her get to the Rainbow Bridge and now she's not in pain anymore.  I know our furbabies are watching over us now and they will be our guardian angels.  Vesta was there to meet Taz at the bridge and they are healthy and happy and playing together.

Take care,
Heather
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