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Memories_of_Marmalade

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Reply with quote  #16 
Hi Angie,

Yes, the Vet did perform the ear canal surgery and the dental extractions on Marmalade. But Marmalade had a stroke (by all accounts) during the first surgery. And the Vet acted mystified about it. And there were things that needed to be done to treat Marmalade for the stroke. The Vet did prescribe anti-inflammatory medications, but that was not enough. Marmalade may have needed oxygen therapy too. There were important tests that needed to be done on Marmalade's brain. "Dr. Google." Lol. Let me tell you, with the amount of contradictory information out there among Vets, and the 5 incompetent Vets that I took Marmalade to? NO pet owner can do enough of their own research. As you learned first hand. I've been so tempted to go to the Vets and call him and his staff out. But I have such bad memory's of them as it is, and they were the ones I brought Marmalade to to have him put down in the end. I just want to remember Marmalade and not them. I am glad you called your Vet out in the end.

Kind regards,
James
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Aztecsmom

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Reply with quote  #17 
James,

I completely agree with you on everything you just said. I’m definitely learning that I have to do research and become a better advocate for my remaining baby. It’s also tough because there’s a lot of contradictory information online too. It’s hard to know who or what to believe. I put my trust in vets way too many times and it’s taking me a while to learn my lesson because these people are supposed to be the professionals. They are supposed to know what they are doing. I understand that mistakes happen, but it’s happening far too often then it should in the veterinary field. I will share another story if you don’t mind.

9 months after the dental incident, I found an integrative vet. He took Margarita in the back to take blood for her senior checkup. I heard her scream. After a couple of minutes, he brought her out and said he couldn’t get enough for the sample because she was struggling (I should mention she developed dementia after the dental). He stuck her 3 times in her tiny leg!! She’s a 4lb chihuahua and needs a blood from her jugular for a CBC. She collapsed in my arms and I said let me hold her! I held her against me and held up her neck. He got what he needed and said I was some kind of miracle worker. Why do I feel like I know more then these vets?? That’s pretty scary. I’ve been a pet groomer for 17 years, so I’m educated about a lot of pet related issues, but I’m not a vet! That night, she started limping on the opposite leg he tried to draw blood from. I called to let them know and of course they said it’s normal. She stopped limping after a week, but now she’s atrophying in that leg and it’s painful when I touch it!! So now what do I do?? My poor baby keeps getting hurt and I feel like it’s all my fault! 😭
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Aztecsmom

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Reply with quote  #18 
Oh and I don’t blame you at all for wanting to remember Marmalade’s memory and not that place. I would have done the same exact thing in your shoes.
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Lrogers424

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Reply with quote  #19 
Hi Meg,

I am 1 year out after having to make to heart breaking decision to euthanize my beloved companion Daisy.  She fell ill suddenly with what we thought was a routine UTI, within 1 week, had trouble passing urine and was catheterized.  Following the cath, she stopped passing anything.  After multiple scans they finally saw the tiny tumor completely blocking her urethra and they could no longer cath her.  Another scan showed her cancer had spread to her lymph nodes and most likely her brain. I had consulted multiple vets even one who was a urinary tract specialist from a mid west university, and there was nothing to be done, still I pleaded with her vet for any hope.  He also had tears in his eyes when he said nothing could be done.  She was only 12 and on the outside was the picture of health even still excited to take a walk on her final day.  That was a walk I will never forget she struggled, but she was happy to be with us and slowly walking in her beloved park, stopping to sniff and her tail slowly wagging.   Later that day, at the vet Daisy passed in my arms as I whispered all the fun adventures we had together into her soft gray ears and her eyes were fixed on my husband, her beloved Dad.  The final thing I said to her was that she had completed her mission in life; she loved and was loved. I hope she had a gentle passing dreaming of her full doggy life and the family who loved her.

I live with the guilt of not seeing the signs earlier, but I know I did the right thing for my sweet girl.  The pain still hits me...I am in tears again as I write this, but my life has gone on because I made sure of it.  I adopted again and have found comfort in my sweet puppy, Luna. It is hard to get up and face the world sometimes because most people think Daisy was "just a dog" or your little one was "just a cat".  But they are so much more.  They are family, companion, confidant, soulmate and solace.

Your beloved cat, just like so many on this forum knew they were loved and they loved you so much.  Grief is a process and can be slow, but push through it by facing your emotions, share with people here who understand your grief.  Grief is a process and you need to take you time, forgive yourself and keep loving your sweet cat.  The love does not stop.  I will forever grieve over Daisy, but I will also forever love her.  The two go hand in hand.  Without that great love, you would not feel such grief.

Take care of yourself and reach out whenever you need a friend.

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Lori, Daisy's Mom and now Luna's Mom
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Ceceliadempsey3

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Reply with quote  #20 
What beautiful words you wrote. I cried as I read your post. I am so very sorry for your loss . Thatcher my dog was my first pet, I had to put him down three weeks ago because of seizures we tried so many different medication s and the final one made him lethargic. On his last day I took him to the water his beloved place and it broke my heart when is legs gave out and just sat in the shore. I knew then what I had to do. I’ve been crying now everyday. Maybe not all day anymore. But I hate coming home. I have 2 homes and I don’t want to be in either of them with out him. I try to tell myself I Gabe him a good life he was so happy. He was a rescue twice and if I did not help my sister in law out and care for him I don’t know what would have happened. I had him for 8 years. He was 12. The bond was so strong between us. My mom passed away in February and I’m grieving over her but the loss of my thatcher is a much different kind of heartache. Just when I think I’m doing better I break down. I feel so empty inside. I can’t bare to get rid of his toys beds bowls. I even still have his water in the bowl. Anyway I know your pain. I hope that your pain and heartache will ease in time. Your words touched me.
Thanks. Sending hugs
Cecelia
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MegP

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Reply with quote  #21 
Its so helpful hearing such similar thoughts and feelings. Our pets are such a gift. I think making the decision to let go of our pets is the hardest decision we ever make. They don’t get to have a say in it, we have to completely decide for them, they try so hard to hide pain and often show their regular enthusiasm for life. I spent the weekend making an album of all my photos of my little boy and framed my favorite photo of him. I took the blankets and his little bed he liked to lay in and I put them in one of those plastic mattress cover things you get when you buy a comforter, hoping I could preserve his smell and go revisit it time to time. Don’t know why but that gave me peace of mind, like I can go visit him and experience him again. Our pet sitter bought us a plant for him so that makes me feel like we’re keeping his memory alive as well. And I honestly think that having my other pet to focus on has been good. I’m pouring all that energy of sadness and loss into loving the heck out of her. She’s gonna be sooo spoiled.
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Memories_of_Marmalade

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Reply with quote  #22 

Hi Meg,

It is interesting to me, that so many of us are experiencing the exact same thoughts & emotions. I was just thinking yesterday how I want to preserve Marmalade's blankets in a plastic covering. He so loved his last fluffy white blanket that he slept with at the end. Thank you for sharing.

XO,
James
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Ceceliadempsey3

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Reply with quote  #23 
Hi Meg,
Your right our pets are definitely a gift.  And making that decesion was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life.  The week before i  put my beloved Thatcher down,  at night I would hear this very low whine, He has never whined all the years I had him.  My heart broke.  I would lay on the floor (he could not jump up on my bed anymore) and just hug and pet him.  That was all he wanted, and  immediately he stopped crying.  Oh how i miss him.  Sometimes I think writing on this site, brings all the emotions back up.  I am crying as I write this  now.  But on the other hand I am grateful for everyone here to help me through this horrid time.  If I could have 2 wishes it would be 1)  to have our beloved pets back and 2)  Knowing we have to wait till we see them again, then I wish I could take everyones pain and grief away.  
All the best and hugs and peace to all of you.
Cecelia
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Memories_of_Marmalade

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Reply with quote  #24 

Cecilia wrote: 

"The week before i  put my beloved Thatcher down,  at night I would hear this very low whine, He has never whined all the years I had him.  My heart broke."

The night before Marmalade went into his dental surgery, which contributed to his decline, he slept with me curled up in front of my chest. And like your Thatcher, moaned all night. I could tell he was sleeping, and at first thought he was dreaming, and then realized that no, he was in pain as he slept. He just didn't reveal that he was in pain during the day. As we know they hide their pain. I would pet him and he too would stop and then he would start moaning again. He did this all through the night. I thought it was just his dental issues, as a tooth had fallen out onto his plate and he had growled when he tried to eat, the poor guy was so frustrated. But I think it was something worse. He had a mystery problem with his intestines (visible on an X-ray) and had something wrong with his liver, among other issues. But his "verbal distress", (he was also gasping and shrieked at the sound or site of food at the end) really contributed to my final decision to put him down. As it was the worse I had ever heard him.
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AstrosDad

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Reply with quote  #25 
Hey, I saw the word 'guilt' and am on my 4th day after putting my 7 year old American bulldog down, feeling a lot of the same things you are, I think.  He was diagnosed with high grade lymphoma a few months back following tumor removal surgery and I opted out of chemo due to the expense and the fact it might give him only a year.  I focused on quality of life but his breathing was labored and he was extremely restless.  It was a rollercoaster the last two months.  He progressively got weaker.  The last 3 days he didn't eat, but he was drinking water.  I didn't know if it was the cancer or the detoxing coming off steroids making him miserable.  The vet basically said "it's terminal."  My brother said "he's suffering enough to put him out of his misery," but my brother tends to lean in that direction anyway.  I scheduled in-home vet on Monday.  Astro had jumped into the car in the morning, he could still walk (only about a block) and pee, and he pooped.  Basically, people say "they'll let you know when it's time..."  My last two dogs DID NOT LET ME KNOW IT'S TIME.  It's not that black or white.  They also say euthanasia is peaceful.  Not this time.  Death may be peaceful, but the euthanasia I discovered was at least 20 minutes of what I saw as inflicted suffering.  I honestly thought as I held him in my arms and he was gasping for air, "I should have slit his throat and it would've been over in a second."  So much for peaceful euthanasia. Astro struggled against the sedatives for about 20 minutes and I interpreted it as him not wanting to die.  Meanwhile, 4 of us are holding him down as he is trying to get up to breathe easier.  The vet had to give him 3 sedatives.  Never heard of such a thing.  Obviously, if he was strong enough to fight 3 sedatives...Anyway, suffice it to say, after the 3rd, he finally fell asleep and once she administered the pentobarbital, it was swiftly over.  Then I thought, why didn't she just administer the damn pentobarbital in the first place?

My takeaway is the same as yours.  I think and dread that I put him to sleep too quickly.  I was distraught and overtaxed and relied on the opinions of others...but when you put your baby down, there is no going back.  Now, THE GUILT haunts me.  Everyone said "better a week early than an hour late,".  I think anyone reading this could use an opinion that is contrarian.  I will never know because I didn't let the natural process play out.  What was the hurry?  Why didn't I wait one more day?  Or two.  I know I wasn't sure when I made the decision, but almost everyone in the world is saying "be merciful" "don't let him suffer."  Yeah, of course I agree, and of course that's why I did it.

Listen, in the end I did my best and I have absolutely no doubt you did yours too.  I also don't doubt that it was done in the name of pure love.  Guilt sucks.  I think it's important to try to put it in perspective.  I saved Astro from the shelter and he was on what they call "Last Call" meaning he might have been euthanized if he wasn't adopted.  We went on a good thousand-plus dog walks and he played with tons of friends.  He was only with me 3 1/2 years and that he was so young, really strikes a blow.  I am shocked at how I feel, and I wonder if it's the same way you are feeling.  It isn't the death that bothers me, it's the possibility that I did it too soon.  I totally understand why people "wait too long" and quite frankly, if I had known that I would have entered this black hole because of what evolved in the last minutes, I would have waited.

But, as Lady Macbeth says, "what's done is done" and even though I feel like I might not be able to wash off that imagined blood she had on her hands, we must find a way to carry on.  I personally believe getting another shelter dog is the moral thing to do.  Share the joy that Astro was so brilliant at sharing with everyone in his life.  I'm just grappling with the fact that I make my dogs the center of my life and this is what happens when they die.  A big hole in my heart and in my life.

In the final analysis, you did the best you could do.  Most of us do.  If you did it in the name of love, you'll be okay.  Good luck.  I hope this helped more than hurt to know that someone else is feeling guilty for the same exact reason.  I know that you sharing your experience helped me.  It's raw and I apologize if it's too raw.

Take care.



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Aztecsmom

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Reply with quote  #26 
AstrosDad,

I was in tears reading about your baby struggling during the euthanasia process. I’ve read that it happens a lot and it breaks my heart. I’m so deeply sorry you and Astro had to experience that. My little man became sick with a stomach infection on a Monday. My little girl contracted it from him 24 hours later. I had to cancel my clients for the week and tend to my 2 extremely ill babies all alone. I wasn’t sleeping, eating or taking care of myself. I was in panic mode, full of anxiety and constant worry. My focus was purely on them. We were at the vets 4 out of the 5 days that week. On the 4th day, they both started to show signs of getting better. But, then the night came and my boy took a turn for the worse (I’m pretty sure I know why now and it’s also something I blame myself for). So, Friday morning I was back at the vet and trying to decide what to do. My family and friends were telling me it was his time, but something told me to push for aggressive treatment. The vet was against it because she didn’t think he would make it. That he would die in the back without me. The thought of that scare the hell out of me because I wanted to be with him. But how did she know he wouldn’t pull through?? My little man was a fighter. I also didn’t want to prolong his suffering. The shock hit me like a ton of bricks and I was hysterical at the vets office. I just couldn’t hold it together. My brain was so fried from the last 4 days that I didn’t know if I was coming or going. I couldn’t make a rational decision, so I also relied on the opinions of the so-called professionals and my family/friends over the phone. And I have honestly regretted the decision every day since. That was over 2 years ago. I don’t think I will ever be able to forgive myself.


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AstrosDad

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Reply with quote  #27 
Hi and thanks for your kind words.  I didn't know there were lots of stories about suffering during euthanasia.  All I ever heard was the "it is peaceful" part.  I will probably always feel guilty about those last 20 minutes of my dog's life.  I know that he is at peace now of course, but I will never know whether I did the right thing.  I guess a lot of us have to live with the fact that we did the best we could and made the choice from a place of mercy and love.  I've asked Astro for my forgiveness and hope he is out there somewhere in the universe having a grand old time.  Take care of yourself, and best of luck to you.

AstrosDad

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Charlie Bee
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