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Gingers_Mommy

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Reply with quote  #1 
About her: Her name was Ginger Spice. She was a 5 1/2 year old tabby cat with orange and white fur. She was fierce and independent l, she had a sassy attitude but was full of love and tenderness to me, her mommy. She loved salmon, she was smart, she loved chasing the red dot and loved the outdoors. We lived together in the basement apartment of a house. Just her and me. She wasn't just a cat/pet. She was my daughter. My sassy daughter. Independent yet loving. Fierce yet tender. She was perfect to me.

Our last day together: Our last day was Sunday 9/29/19. It was a regular weekend. We both slept in late. Then I got up and gave her breakfast. After I opened the window to let her out after she complained in cat talk. I knew her different meows. She came back in later and lounged around and I left to do my hair. When I came back I gave her dinner and them we took a great cat nap together. I petted her and told her how much I love her. She purred, belly exposed in trust and love. Around 10pm i decided to do laundry at a 24 hour laundromat. When I opened the door to leave she snuck out too. While I loaded the bags into the uber car I told her to get back in the house. She looked at me but didn't listen. I didn't think much of it. I didn't know that would be the last time I would see her.

How she died: when I came back around midnight she wasn't home and I got an eerie feeling. I called her, whistled but nothing. I put away my clothes all the while feeling that eerie sense that something was wrong. I went back out and called her again. Nothing. I reminded myself that in the past she had been out all night a few times and then would come back the next morning. I went to bed. It was a rough night bcs the eerie feeling remained and woke me up. The next morning I go out and call her again. Nothing. Hope level dropped to 65% I convinced myself that she'd be back soon and I'd find her home after work. That evening when I came back and there was no sign of her hope level dropped to 45% I went back out to call her again. That's when the neighbor saw me and said a cat had been run over last night and the dead had been picked up monday around 2pm. She described it as an orange and white tabby. Adult not a kitten bcs it was big. I showed her Gingers picture and she confirmed the likeness. Hope level dropped to 1% and denial to 99%. I sat outside in the yard by the basement door. Waiting for Ginger. Denial 100%. Then the landlady walked by and said "waiting for your cat right?" I said yes. But when I said it, I realized it was a lie. And if it was a lie then that meant that I was not waiting for her bcs deep inside I knew she wouldn't be coming back bcs she was dead. Hope 0%, Denial 1%, Reality 99%, Pain 1000%.

The grief: The reality that she was dead and that I'd never see her again hit me like a ton of bricks. I walked back inside the apartment crying deeply. She was never coming back to me, to her home to her things. I put away all her belongings one by one. Crying the whole time completely in disbelief that this was real and actually happening. I don't even get to see her body. I just didn't put away her blanky. I cuddled it. And smelled her scent and hear a purr in my head. Like she was there saying ok mommy you know I'm gone but I still love you. I cried myself to sleep. Woke up in the middle of the night to cry again.

Regrets: why didn't she listen to me? What if I had come back earlier? What if I had locked her in that night? What if I had looked under cars? Would I have found her in time ? Was she in pain for long? Was it instant? Did she think of me? How exactly did it happen? ... .... why didn't God protect her? Why did it end this way?

More pain: the house is empty without her. I miss her terribly. She's not here to greet me. Or to wake me up and tell me to feed her. She's not waiting for me outside the bathroom door. She's not here to sleep next to me or on me anymore. My baby girl. My princess. My heart. I cry when I wake up. I'm taking benadryl to sleep properly through the night. I cry before going to sleep. I cry when I walk through the door and she's not there. I cry at work in between tasks. I cry on the commute. My baby girl is dead.

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BorderCollieLover

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Reply with quote  #2 
Gingers_Mommy:

  I just read your story. I am so sorry about the loss of your beloved Ginger. I've never owned a cat before but I still feel your pain. The idea that you are still going into work in the aftermath of this is remarkable. Your post is beautifully composed and your love for Ginger is very evident. When you are ready, I hope that you will reach out to other pet loving people for some comfort and support. Please post on this site when you can as there are a lot of understanding, caring people that want to help support you. You are in the right place. This Forum is incredibly good. You are not alone.

Jim



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Jim Miller
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Gingers_Mommy

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Reply with quote  #3 
Thank you for your words and support Jim. It's def a balm to my heart to know I'm not alone. Years ago I lost a toy poodle. And I did heal over time. So I know this new grief will one day get better. For now though, it's all still raw. I'm glad for this site. I has been a much needed support. If you're here of course it means you've lost your baby too. Your doggo. I'm sorry for you loss Jim. We're United in our pain...
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Stealthcat

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Reply with quote  #4 
Gingers_Mommy,

I am so sorry for your loss.  I am with you on this as I also lost my cat not even 2 weeks ago. I know how devastating it is. 

I also know how easy it can be to play the "what if?" game in my head.  I think we all have a sense of guilt after the passing of our pets because they relied on us.  But accidents happen unfortunately and it isn't anyone's fault. And your story is very similar to mine from when I lost my dog many years ago. My brother let him out to go to the bathroom and he darted away and into the street and got hit by a car. He felt such heavy remorse and guilt that I don't know if he ever got over it, and I wouldn't want that for anyone. So I hope you can focus on the life you gave her and the joy of having Ginger because I know grief is difficult even without feelings of guilt added on top. Your kitty had a good life with you.  Maybe our kitties can be friends on the rainbow bridge together. 

As for your loneliness/empty house/sad feelings - I am sure we can all empathize with you on this. It can be overwhelming at times, and seems to come in intense waves (at least for me.) The realization hits and you think, "I can't believe they are really gone."  And there are so many triggers, especially at home. I hope we can one day think back and just feel joy at the pleasure of having them in our lives.  For now, I am with you in this crushing grief. You aren't alone. 
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Gingers_Mommy

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Reply with quote  #5 
Stealthcat,

Thank you for understanding. thank you for your words. Yes I'm trying to put away the what if thoughts. And trying to focus on the good times. The pain does come in intense waves for me to. There are moments of numbness. of stillness and then the intense wave of tears and anguish over this harsh reality. I'm sorry you lost your Stealth baby too. Def united in grief.
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Gingers_Mommy

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Reply with quote  #6 
Dear Ginger baby

Last night I dreamed of you. It's all blurry now but I remember being here at home and you were lounging on the floor and I petted you. It's fading away already. The other dream I had was weird. I saw a cat under a car and asked ginger is that you? Idk if it was or not. Or if that dream came first or not. Then dad was under the sea fishing and caught a cat fish and killed it. When he was scaling it the top half looked like an actual cat. Not your coloring though. Either way it was weird. Either way you're not here physically anymore and mommy misses you. Then another dream with 2 other cats. I don't know who they were. I was in a diff home and suddenly there was flooding... maybe tears ?? I miss you.
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Gingers_Mommy

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Reply with quote  #7 
Dear baby Ginger,

Today I woke up without you and roamed the apartment in pain bcs of your absence. I went up to Petco just to look at the cats for adoption. I didn't make any moves I just looked. I want you to know that when I do get another pet it doesn't mean that I dont love you. You're mommy's baby girl forever. I will always love you. When I get a brother or sister for you please understand they won't take your place. Wherever I am will always be your home. I saw a Male cat with your orange coloring. And just seeing him breathing and napping and then eating stirred my emotions bcs it's you I want back baby girl. Of course that's no longer possible. An article suggested one shouldn't get the same coloring as the pet that passed away bcs it would be too easy to expect the new pet to behave the same as you, and when they don't it could cause heartache and issues. I miss you. I want you here with me again, but I understand you're gone. Thank you for visiting me last night in my dreams. Mommy loves you. If/when I get another cat remember my love for you cannot be taken away. Don't be jealous baby girl. Instead tell the new cat how much you love me and how much I loved you. And that I will love and care for him or her deeply. Hoping you visit me again in my dreams, love always, your momma.
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Gingers_Mommy

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Reply with quote  #8 
Dear baby Ginger,

I'm still struggling with the reality that I'll never see you again. Every spot where you laid down or lounged at or ate or were your litter box used to be is a painfully empty space now. I miss you baby girl. I wonder about your last hours. I think you were probably afraid. I'm sorry I wasn't with you until the very end. I love you and wish you were still here with me. Now that it's all over you shouldn't be afraid anymore my princess. Now you're free. Momma loves you.
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Gingers_Mommy

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Reply with quote  #9 
Baby girl,

I miss you so much princecita. My heart aches. My chest physically hurts. My baby girl... how can you be gone? I wish I could have atleasrt been with you on your last moments. I'm sorry I did not come back in time to prevent your death, or maybe find you and at least be with you. I am glad that we spent a lot of time together earlier that day. I love you. I miss you. I've wondered about the details of your death. Did the person or people take killed you even notice? Did they notice and not care? Was it an accident? Was it malicious? Some humans detest animals and are needlessly cruel. I've already prayed to God that if was an innocent accident then ok, but that if any malicious action was involved in your death that God deal with that person or people accordingly. I'm sorry I wasn't there when it happened. You had survived other things, that time you fell out the window a few years ago. And then survived being diagnosed with Pyometra. You had your surgery Jan of this year. You bounced back beautifully and were thriving. Running around like nothing. To survive all that just to loose you so suddenly has left me shocked. My heart aches...
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GregG56

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Reply with quote  #10 
Ginger's_Mommy,

I am deeply sadden by the loss of your dear Ginger Spice, what a great name for your cat.  I pray that you can recover and that you will be OK. Tomorrow at 1:45 will mark 1 long week since my sweet Autumn Leaves passed. I am numb and I know I have to pick myself up and as difficult as it is, I have to continue this thing called life. When Autumn's pain and suffering ended mine began and I would much rater be in pain than have my sweet Autumn in pain. I feel sharing my memories and feeling of Autumn to be therapeutic and you for one have helped me in this process, I will be praying for you, take care of yourself, Ginger Spice wouldn't want it any other way.

Greg 

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Greg Grimsley
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Gingers_Mommy

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Reply with quote  #11 
Greg,

Thank you for your prayers. I understand the numb feeling of having to continue going on about our days and work and life meanwhile our hearts are aching so deeply. Ending Autumn's pain was a tough decision. You put her well being and comfort above your own. You made a dad choice out love for her. She's not in pain anymore.

I'm glad I have managed to help. You have helped me too. This forum has been an anchor. Ginger would head-butt me gently if she saw I wasn't feeling like my normal self. I don't want to neglect myself, I know she's wouldn't want that. I've eaten very little these past few days. My appetite hasn't been the same. And when I did eat, I then felt a sense of guilt. But I know she wants mommy healthy. So I'm pushing on. Thank you again for your prayers and your support. It truly does make a difference.
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JinglesMom

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Reply with quote  #12 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gingers_Mommy
Baby girl,

I miss you so much princecita. My heart aches. My chest physically hurts. My baby girl... how can you be gone? I wish I could have atleasrt been with you on your last moments. I'm sorry I did not come back in time to prevent your death, or maybe find you and at least be with you. I am glad that we spent a lot of time together earlier that day. I love you. I miss you. I've wondered about the details of your death. Did the person or people take killed you even notice? Did they notice and not care? Was it an accident? Was it malicious? Some humans detest animals and are needlessly cruel. I've already prayed to God that if was an innocent accident then ok, but that if any malicious action was involved in your death that God deal with that person or people accordingly. I'm sorry I wasn't there when it happened. You had survived other things, that time you fell out the window a few years ago. And then survived being diagnosed with Pyometra. You had your surgery Jan of this year. You bounced back beautifully and were thriving. Running around like nothing. To survive all that just to loose you so suddenly has left me shocked. My heart aches...


Dear Gingers_Mommy,

Your beautiful letter to your special girl Ginger brought me to tears. I so feel your pain and sadness and my heart truly goes out to you. I really do understand how it feels about not being with them in their last moments, and I am so sorry you have to endure not only this profound loss, but the not knowing. When my little Pootie Tang was in her final days as the cancer was taking her away from me, one morning when I went out to run my errands, she slipped out the door without me knowing. She had never been outside or done this before, so I can only assume that she went off to find her light, because she knew that she did not have much time left. She came back on the third night of her disappearance scratching at the door, and each time I opened it, she ran off. Then finally, I waited behind the door so I could open it very quickly, and there she was, and as I reached down to pick her up, she ran off into the darkness of the night, never to be seen again. I do believe that she knew she was in her last hours, and she came back to say goodbye. I also believe that she left to spare me the devastation of finding her passed in our home. Her courage and spirit to go out into the coldness of February and brave the elements just to save me will forever be my sweetest inspiration, and deepest heartbreak.

So I live with the sadness of not knowing where she was when she passed, and I was never able to get a little cedar box with her name imprinted in gold on it, as I did for my two beloved boys. So there was never any closure, and it really almost broke me. I know some may think that closure is not important, but in reality, it is. I wanted more than anything to know exactly where she was, and when and where she crossed over. GingersMommy, I can imagine that you feel the same way too, and that you would give anything to just know what had happened, even if it would hurt your heart. I am so sorry that your dear baby was taken from you like this, and I only wish that I had the words to make this just a bit softer, but there are none. Sometimes we have to walk through the valley, and sometimes we have to feel broken, in order for the light to come shining back in. I so appreciate your kind comments on my posts, and it really does mean so much, and you reach out to me and so many others here on this forum, in the midst of your own grief and struggle.   

I do know one thing for sure, when your dear Ginger was in the last moments of her life here on this earth, she was not hurting, because you were with her every step of the way. She felt your love with her as she was walking across that bridge toward the light, and I have absolutely no doubt of this. I believe that she would have seen sweet little snapshots of your life together, almost like the most precious little movie, the first time your eyes met, the first time you held her in your arms, and the first time she knew that she was home, really and truly home with you. They do not take any pain, illness, or fear with them, they take us, they take our love, and they take a piece of our heart, but they leave so much more behind. So always remember, and I often tell myself this over and over about my Pootie Tang, even though you think you were not with her in her final moments, you really were, in every way that counts.

I often post this phrase which is so profound and so true "Love knows not it's own depth until the hour of separation." We may not have been able to be there with our special girls for that last hour, but I know that they still felt us with them, holding onto them ever so tightly, until they reached their beautiful new world. Thank you again so very much for your kindness, compassion, and support, which has helped me to face another day with hope in my heart. We all belong to a club that no one wants to be in, so we are essentially kindred spirits united in a sadness that only someone who has walked through the valley could ever understand. I just know that your beautiful Ginger is still so close to you, and she can still feel your love for her and always will, for all eternity. I can just imagine that our two baby girls are the best of friends by now at the bridge, running and playing among the rainbows, and telling all the others about their special mommies, and how very much we love them. Sending hugs your way, JinglesMom

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Pamela Lynne Crawford
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Gingers_Mommy

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Reply with quote  #13 
@JinglesMom,

Just reading that you understand, that you too had your baby gone without knowing the details means so much. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭💔 it brakes my heart whenever I think of it. The doubts the torment of not knowing is gut wrenching. But you're right their pain is over now. And yes I hope very much that they are sharing stories of us with each other. 💛 we're def in united in this club. ~Hugs
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Gingers_Mommy

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Reply with quote  #14 
Poems 😭

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Gingers_Mommy

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Reply with quote  #15 
Hi baby girl,

I woke about 30 min ago. A bit after 6am. The room still dark. I was casually remembering a dream (unrelated to you), and when I fully came to I reached out my hand to pet you like I would do countless times in the past. I caught my hand mid air when I remembered you're not here anymore... I wish you here. Last night when I was settling in to go to sleep for brief moment I heard the sound of you nestling into your spot on the bed next to me. Then I looked over and saw nothing. I miss you Ginger. Momma misses you. Momma loves you.
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