kawaiifaerie416
I found this forum last week, but normally I'm not one for actually talking on forums so I just read a couple threads. But I just feel like I need to talk with people who have really gone through what I'm going through. =/ Just a little warning, this post will probably be pretty long, so sorry in advance for the length. >.>

We had to put my cat to sleep nearly 2 weeks ago, on Sunday Oct 25. He'd stopped eating except for nibbles that Friday night, and though we knew it was unusual because he usually -loved- the wet food he got morning and evening, my mom just thought he was a little sick. Then Sunday he stopped drinking too, he was just lying under my mom's bed. So we took him to the vet, and we got the news that the vet was pretty sure Mickey had cancer. He said Mickey was a very very sick kitty, and that there was something wrong in the blood tests - several counts were either really low or really high, I don't remember what exactly but liver count, blood count, and a couple other ones - and an xray showed his liver was enlarged and there were lesions on his lungs.

We just don't have the money it would have cost just to run an ultrasound and biopsy, and to have Mickey booked for the vetrinary hospital, and then that's not even thinking about after that... and it was really obvious something was very wrong with Mickey once we looked at it. I feel so bad, because I only live with my mom on weekends, and when I was there I noticed Mickey's spine was pronounced, and that Sunday I was thinking something was wrong because I could really feel his ribs. He used to be a little overwieght, but at the vet's he was only 9lbs. And so we had to make the decision of what to do, and we ultimately decided it was best for Mickey to think about what quality of life he would have had, and to factor in how much it was going to cost, and we ended up putting him to sleep.

Mickey was my baby. I've had him since I was 8 years old - for 12 and a half years, since he was around 8 weeks. I can even remember vaguely the first time I saw him. He was there for me when I needed a cry, and his purring was the most comforting thing I knew. I've been devestated since we had to put him to sleep, and a week and a half later I'm still crying every day. It's even worse when I come to my mom's, because when I'm at home I know he's gone and mourn, but here at moms I -really- feel it.

And I keep having doubts. Did we really do the right thing? It was so rushed, we went in thinking Mickey was just a little sick and we left without him. What if the vet was wrong? What if we could have gotten him to start eating again without medicine or anything? What if he would have gotten better? And I feel horrible too that I just left his body at the vets to be taken away with all the other animals, to be burned on a farm. I couldn't have handled burying him, and at the time I felt I wasn't going to want his ashes from a private cremation, but now I regret just leaving him...

And I feel so bad that I didn't see it... looking at pictures, there is a big difference in how he looked a couple years ago compared to his last days. The last few months, he took to sleeping under mom's bed, or in other floor spots, but he wasn't jumping up on furnature anymore, but we just thought it was old age. And same when he wasn't really active anymore or interested in chasing string like he used to. And just other signs that something was wrong... I can't help but think, what if he was hurting and we didn't know?

I just... keep cycling through doubts, guilt, sadness... how does it get better? =/ I keep thinking about how I'm never going to see him again, never going to be able to hold him and pet him and feel/hear his purring... I keep expecting to see him pad through the room and know he's gone. This is really only the second time I've been back to my mom's - last weekend I only visited Friday because it was too painful to stay - and it feels like the scabs on my emotions were ripped off, seeing all the spots he used to be. =/
~Amanda~
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Woodypatty
Amanda,         So sorry to hear of your loss. I too have just  lost a much loved baby. Let the tears flow.I can't tell you when it will get better but I have been assured it eventualy does. I can't imagine felling this bad forever. Then  again I can't imagine feeling better either. You are not alone. You are not guilty. You did your Mickey a kindness. Something that took courage and love to do.                          Patty
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TootiesGuardian
Amanda,

I'm so very sorry for your loss.  I had to make the decision you made and I know how heartbreaking it is to do so.  I've also second guessed the vet's and my decision.  It's a tough decision to make.  I'm sorry you're hurting so bad.  I know the pain you're feeling.

I agree with Patty.  You had to make the courageous decision to end Mickey's suffering.  He couldn't do it, so it was up to you.  I know it's hard.

We are all here for you Amanda.  We know how you're feeling as we've been where you're at now.  I wish you comfort and healing.  My thoughts are with you.

Sincerely,

Sherry
Tootie ~ Sep. 1, 2000 - Sep. 4, 2010
Shine on you beautiful diamond!
Blueboy ~ Feb. 14, 1989 - Dec. 31, 1993
Always in my heart!
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tikibarb
Amanda, You must know that your beloved Mickey is now in a place that he will be happy and healthy.  It was quite brave of you to set him free from his failing body.  At 12 1/2, Mickey had a good life.  It is obvious that you loved him and that you gave him a good home.  Cancer is a horrific illness.  I know people who have tried to save their animals from this dreaded disease and I think that you made the right decision.  Do not play the "what if" game.  It just isn't a good thing to do.  We can all spend time trying to answer those questions but the fact is that we make the best decisions we can at the time with the information we have.  What more can be asked of us?  We do our best and that is the best we can do.  I know your heart is aching and that you profound sadness may cloud your thinking for a while.  Just know that you are not alone and that there will come a time that you will start to feel better.  Please visit Ted's page.  Looking at my journey may help you to recognize that there are others who understand exactly what you are feeling.
Barbara Lyngarkos
My Beloved Ted 8/7/2005 - 7/7/10
http://rainbowsbridge.com/residents/TED001/Resident.htm
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kawaiifaerie416
Thank you guys, it means a lot to hear your words. I feel so lost, I was so used to being able to go get Mickey when I was bored or taking a break from homework that now I have no idea what to do. And I've found myself a few times automatically getting up with the intention of going downstairs where he would have been, before catching myself. >.>

Patty, I'm so sorry for your loss as well. :( I'm glad that I'm not the only one feeling this way... no one I know really knows how it is, so it's been a little as if I shouldn't still be crying for him =/ And Barbara, I took a look at Ted's page... reading it was soooo sad, but at the same time I understand...
~Amanda~
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always_tuffy
I am very very sorry you have lost your dear friend. I'm glad you have found us hear at RainbowsBridge.  I and all of us understand the pain you are experienceing.  It is unbearable to lose a friend that has been a companion for so many years. We know the pain is terrible. Please keep coming back. Let us help.

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal;
Love leaves a memory no one can steal.

Tuffy, My Puppy Love
June 20, 2005-July 26, 2010

Becky Leigh, Queen of my Heart
December 2010-November 10, 2015
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kathyp82
I too send my condolences.  I just lost my cat (technically) a few days ago.  He really wasn't mine, but he was my roommates cat but he was with me day and night for the past 3-4 years.  Although the decisions weren't mine to place, I agreed with everything.  After much...and i mean a lot of money that most folks dont have, even the vet suggested putting him down.  He had tumors on/in liver, kidneys and probably the spleen as well.  It doesn't matter, one was bad enough.  Putting him down was the right thing.
Like you, I had special moments with this cat.  Being a recently disabled person and home all the time, this cat came into my life just a few years ago...but all my daily habits were often dictated by the fact that there was this cat in the house.  Keep doors closed, the outside gate, open a can of food he thought it was the sound of tuna can being opened...he would show up at my feet.  So many habits I no longer have to continue to have.
My cat and your cat is in a better place and we both did the right thing...I spent a week catering to him because he was in pain.  I had to wait for someone else to make the decision to take him to the vet.  And then about 5 days or more for the stupid vet to give us a definitive answer.  I guess I always knew what was coming...but I stayed optimistic because the vet kepts saying...it might be this...it might be that.  Personally....that use of "might" is what keeps that doctor living in a probably 3mil home. 

At least in your case you made the right decision and you should have no guilt about not doing this test or that test.  I know from being heartbroken over my life that only time heals that wound, be it man or pet.  You're hurt will go away.  The need for the comfort you lost will find a new place in your growing up, via a human being who you will come to love one day.  Remember, loving a person is not the same as loving a pet.  The loss of the pet feels the same...but remember...it's not.  They are a pet...not our spouse, or our brother or sister, or mother, etc.  They are simply another being in our lives and an expression of our love.

Ok...now I went on too far.  I am sorry but trust me...you'll get through this.  You just need time.
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slotaddict
I am so sorry for your loss Amanda..I share your empty feelings with the loss of your friend.  Believe me you did the right thing to release him from suffering..please cry if you need to and for as long as you need to. 
We are all here for you and know exactly what you feel.
Prayers for you Amanda.
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bellasmum

I'm so sorry for the loss of Mickey. Its always very hard to let a beloved pet go. I lost my cat Felix to cancer too. Its a cruel disease, but a good friend said to me at that time that it the last act of love you can show for your furry friend and the ultimate sacrifice. You have to let their suffering end... then yours begins. If you hadn't loved him, you wouldn't have noticed his pain, and wouldn't have done the unselfish thing of letting him go.

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Polly
Amanda, i'm so sorry for your loss. It is so plain from your posts that Mickey was a very loved cat. You and your mum did everything you possibly could for him, and acted out of love. It's just such a horrible, impossible decision, one that you can never prepare yourself for. My heart goes out to you.

I lost my Casper just over a year ago and reading your post took me back to the day we had to have him put to sleep. Like you, his illness was so sudden and the shock and disbelief were absolute. Please believe me when I say this will get better. You've found the right place where the healing process can begin. But until then, talk about Mickey to the other wonderful people who know exactly what you're going through, and grieve for him. He was part of your life for a long time.

He was a beautiful boy.   

Stay strong.

Polly   
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erica212
Amanda,
 
I am so sorry for your loss. You have to know that you did everything you could for your furry friend. I know exactly how you feel when it comes to the quick decisions. We too had to make a quick decision with our dog and yes it hurts like crazy, but we do know that we made the right choice FOR HIM.
I also know how hard it is when there is a sudden illness and you had no idea how bad it really was until there is nothing you can do for them. It plain out stinks...
I hope I could bring you some comfort just knowing that you are not alone in your grief. Dog, cat, or any other animal, we all have that same bond here, so keep coming back to vent if you need to, we all understand your grief.
Take one day at a time. I wish you peace as you continue to grieve,
Erica
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Renata
Oh Amanda, I feel so sorry for you. You loved your baby like I loved mine. Hugs.
I just lost my Sammy 4 days ago and I am hurting so bad, there is such a big hole in my heart.
My Sam was a 13 year old Siamese, the sweetest disposition one can imagine. He was 8 weeks old when I got him and all his 13 years he never slept any where but in my arm, he would cling to me when I sat down, climb up to my chest and put his arms around me and purr. When he was little he took my ear lobe to suck, like I was his Mom. He was a great talker too, but not to the point where Siamese can be too loud. Last March he started just barely nibbling on wet food, he was loosing weight. I went to the vet to have his teeth cleaned. After that, he still lost weight. Now we had several blood tests done , kidney checks Thyroid tests, diabetic tests, nothing showed any disease. By this time it had cost me $600 . Several people told me I needed a second opinion. So now I went to the best Vet in town. He too took blood tests and compared it with the old ones. He too could not find out what it was. So three days later I felt he was so weak and I felt he had pain, I decided to let him go to Rainbow bridge.I held his little head and cried my heart out. He sleeps under a beautiful Rosebusch now. And I am hurting for his touch.  Renata 
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judylinn
Amanda, I'm soo sorry about your loss. the pain is so devistating. Don't second guess yourself...your baby is free from all pain now. when I looked at Maddies pictures after she passed, I was shocked at how she looked..you get used to seeing them, and animals dont always show when they are suffering.
It's hard when they are gone suddenly like that.  do you have any special toys or a pillow that you can hug when your missing Mickey?  it really does help.
We will be here to support you, so you aren't alone in your pain...everyone here understands how hard it is.  hugs to you.  Judy
Renata, I am so sorry about your loss as well. what a beautiful cat.
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Becky

Just saw your post, Amanda.  I'm so sorry.  We had our Tiger for 17 years (found her as a kitten at the school where I worked) & then she fell off a dresser & couldn't walk right, stopped eating & then drinking.  We couldn't afford tests & all that either, so had her put down.  I've always wondered if she had a stroke & fell, or if she just lost her grip & fell & broke her back.  We had 17 wonderful years with her, & I had to accept the fact that we gave her all the love & attention we could.  I couldn't let her suffer.  Remember the good times you had & know that you did the best you could & she's not suffering anymore.

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niki
AMANDA
I AM SO SORRY TO HEAR OF YOUR LOSS OF MICKEY
I HOPE YOU WILL FIND A LITTLE COMFORT HERE AS I HAVE, I LOST MY BELOVED MINT A LITTLE BLACK GIRL TO CANCER IN FEB, I UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL
IT HURTS LIKE HELL I KNOW
TAKE CARE
NIKI
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