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LaylaBug13

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Posts: 4
Reply with quote  #1 
Hello,
I am new to this forum and am just looking for people who understand. I have recently lost my best friend this past weekend to cancer.

It was a roller coaster ride and I honestly feel I was taken advantage of by the vet practice I was using and was encouraged to do radiation for thousands of dollars and she died immediately after her last round.

Despite that. I am not bitter. I am just intensely sad. I wish I would have spent that time together and I am having an extremely difficult time coping. My husband and I loved her dearly. She was given to me as a gift in October of 2006 & has basically grown up with me from a teenager to a woman. I went from bangs and Highschool to a mother all with her. Every milestone she has been a part of.

I am sick being home and feeling like I can hear a pin drop. My mind has memorized every detail of her and I feel like I am living a nightmare.

She has been a support dog for me through tough things and mostly my anxiety disorder. I lost a friend a couple of years ago and struggled dealing with her death. Layla held me every night like she did and brought me back to life.

She has loved me even when I haven’t loved myself. My family has had animals my entire life. But I feel like because they aren’t going through it and she is MY dog they are just telling me it will get better and give me nothing of substance to blanket my feelings.

I feel like a piece of me was gutted out and I’ll never get it or her back. It has been the worst few days of my entire life. How do we learn to live without something that gave us so much joy?

I was even told I will eventually get another dog. Which really upset me. One day I will find it in my heart to give love to another animal. It is who I am and my husband and I have a lot of love to give. But I wouldn’t even dream of that thought right now. I still have her fur on all of my clothes I’m not running to the animal shelter.

I just feel very alone and I know this is fresh. But how do I learn to live without her. It seems like the impossible. I have no regrets. I faught the good fight for her and I even bucked up in her last breath and sang our song somewhere over the rainbow to her as she died in my arms. I know I did the best I could. I just can’t pick myself up without her. It feels impossible.

I’m not sure what I am looking to get from this. But I am just trying something different instead of sitting here in my tears.

—Hope

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Jillybee

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Posts: 9
Reply with quote  #2 
LaylaBug13, what a powerful testament to your lovely dog! What is her name? There are many of us here who feel exactly the way you do. My heart goes out to you. I lost my dog Sunday (Super Bowl Sunday) and am wrecked. I feel like I’m healing a little and then I see the stuffed goose he still suckled at 10 years old—and I’m a mess again.

I honestly feel that writing out your feelings is a way to process the grief. It’s agonizing and I wonder how I can text this to you through blurry eyes. How do other people get past the pain? Time, and honoring your feelings every time you have them. Forget those people who say, “He/she was just a pet,” or “You’ll get another dog/cat and you’ll be fine.” You know what? YOU WILL BE FINE, but it’s a b*tch getting to that checkpoint.

All I can offer is that it gets slightly more manageable every hour you move ahead, and each hour WILL bring setbacks that will make you smile, cry, yell, or curse over your loss. Cry all you want! Our tears are not limited in number, and they are YOURS to spill as you want. I’ve ingested so many tears (and “nose juice”) since Sunday and expect to continue until I stop. Then start again. It’s the only way I know to keep moving forward towards healing.

Sending love and strength to you, LaylaBug13. Keep writing here and you’ll find a little peace when you’re finished.

XXXOOO, Jillybee
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MarkC

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Posts: 35
Reply with quote  #3 
Hello, Hope. I’m so sorry for the loss of your sweet friend. I also am new to this forum. I lost my 17 year old cat Mollie to cancer on Friday, and I know exactly how you feel. It is a pain that is shocking in its intensity. I’d like to be able to tell you how to lessen your grief, but I don’t know how to myself yet. What I can tell you is that this is a good place to be. Everyone here is in different stages of mourning, and it helps to simply even write about it. I hope we all can get at least some comfort in the knowledge that we are not alone. Take care.

Mark
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AlabamaAnnie

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Posts: 7
Reply with quote  #4 
Laylabug13, my heart is with you in your grieving. I lost one of my pet cats on Sunday due to a freak accident. I have cried until there were no tears, until my eyes felt as if they were turning inside out. The pain is unimaginable to anyone who has not loved an animal. My chest was physically heavy and tight, my throat felt as if it was closing. Last night I did not know what to do with myself any longer....I pulled out a book on Grief that I have. Everything that we are experiencing is normal. The part that sucks is that time is the only thing that will heal our broken hearts. Enduring the misery, crying the tears, all of the questions that we ask ourselves about what we could have done differently....it is all part of the human condition for loving and bonding with our precious angels. I know that I cannot ease your pain, but it did help me to read that what we are all experiencing is a part of the process that humans go through in loss. I pray that you feel some comfort in knowing that your dog loved you more than you can know and that you gave her a wonderful life.
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Gentlegiant

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Posts: 27
Reply with quote  #5 
Dear LaylaBug13,
I understand completely, it will be a whole month tomorrow (8th January) since we had to say goodbye to our beautiful boy, our "gentle giant" (an almost 11 year old Golden Lab X Retriever) named Wally.
They say the pain gets better, but I don't think it does.  The crying may subside but the loss is so deep, it's going to take both my husband and myself, a long time to heal enough to think about another fur baby to adopt.
I burst into tears when I see Wally's fur about the place hiding in little crevices.  Once upon a time I would brush his hairs off me as soon as I spotted them, but now I am reluctant to remove a single hair that may have found its way on to my clothing. 
What I wouldn't give to be surrounded in his fur, my arms wrapped around his head, patting him and feeling his hot panting breath on my face (which I used to joke about not being "very minty"' haha).  As unpleasant as it may have been, right now I'd cherish his dog breath and wouldn't care.
I miss him soooooooooooo much, it's crippling.   

But dear LaylaBug13, 
Your beautiful friend is not gone, she will be with you again one day but for now, she watches over you.  She wants you to be happy, enough that one day you could open your heart to another beautiful fur baby who will be blessed with the same kind of love you showed her.  So that you can once again smile, and feel the love that can only be truly understood by those of us who have loved a precious pet.
Hugs to you
xx  
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LaylaBug13

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Posts: 4
Reply with quote  #6 
Thank you all for the things you have said to me in just a few hours after me posting. It is unfortunate that we are all swimming in this same boat without paddles. But please know that some of the things you have each said have made me feel some sort of comfort. I don’t feel ashamed for my intensity & pain but I feel alone. I feel it is tabu for us to love a creature like a family member and then when it is gone we have to hide our feelings. I sat at my vanity tonight for three hours. Layla usually sat everywhere with me - she enjoyed watching me dry my hair and snuggled up to my toes. Our usual spot however was the living room. I didn’t have the heart to sit in there tonight and sat at my vanity for several hours reading articles Pet related/off topic etc, crying, smelling her blankets .. I couldn’t turn on our evening shows with dinner to share with each other and cuddle on the couch. Just a sunken sad feeling. All of you have hit a lot of my feelings on the head and although I am in a dark place you have achieved making me feel like I am not the only type of person mourning with such passion. I am sad for all of you and us as a whole. I am glad we are all people who were brave enough to open ourselves completely to another living thing however. Although there is so much pain.. there was so much love. And I will try my best to work through it day by day and hope you all can too and if not ... I am an ear to listen to as you have all kindly listened to me. After reading some of your things I tried to tell myself that Layla used to rush to me and get upset when I got upset and tried to chin up. As you are right .. she would want me to be happy.

-Hope
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Gentlegiant

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Posts: 27
Reply with quote  #7 
Dear LaylaBug13,

It takes a special kind of person to love another creature not of their own kind.  How sad for those who don't know the bond, the love, laughter and joy a beautiful furry friend can bring.  If they don't understand that, how can they possibly begin to understand when it is taken from those who were so blessed to have it in their lives.

I don't feel angry with those who do not understand my loss, I feel pity for the love they will never know because their hearts and their minds are closed to such a special union.

Hugs to you
xx  
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MarkC

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Posts: 35
Reply with quote  #8 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gentlegiant
Dear LaylaBug13,

It takes a special kind of person to love another creature not of their own kind.  How sad for those who don't know the bond, the love, laughter and joy a beautiful furry friend can bring.  If they don't understand that, how can they possibly begin to understand when it is taken from those who were so blessed to have it in their lives.

I don't feel angry with those who do not understand my loss, I feel pity for the love they will never know because their hearts and their minds are closed to such a special union.

Hugs to you
xx  



Well said, GentleGiant. It’s impossible to understand if you’re the type of person who believes they were “just a pet”. I’ve bedn doing a bit of reading over the last couple of days about the grief people feel after the loss of a pet. It’s no joke. It’s as real as it gets.
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Suze16

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Posts: 14
Reply with quote  #9 

LaylaBug13/Hope:

My heart goes out to you. I lost my best friend, Max, two weeks ago and know exactly how you feel. The grief and sadness can be overwhelming. I still have his stuffed bear and his collar that I can’t let go. And those remnants of his fur start the tears flowing. It's a struggle every day and it seems impossible that time will heal a broken heart but talking/sharing with others here who understand has helped. I know I'm not alone in what I'm going through. And you aren't either.

Sending you strength and comfort. Many hugs.


__________________

Rest easy, my sweet Max. 2-24-19
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LaylaBug13

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Posts: 4
Reply with quote  #10 
It has been a little over a week since Layla’s passing. I am feeling all cried out but the pain hasn’t left an ounce. I feel like I am trying to put myself into a routine to tire myself out so that if I’m exhausted I will just fall asleep eventually. There was a day or two where I actually considered going to get another dog, god help me for even writing that thought and putting it publicly. But I realized it was just because my heart is aching every night for HER. The companionship I had with HER. I know in my heart it isn’t time. No one will ever be her and it would never be fair to get an animal only to come to realize it isn’t her and make my heart even more sad. I hope that some of you are starting to find peace although I am having much trouble doing so. I think anyone here is a wonderful human being and animal “parent” or else we would never be here in the first place. My husband and I work different shifts and do not see each other which has made this loss harder to swallow. I am finding myself running out of things to do to keep busy. I have even felt like I might even want to move and go to our Florida home. We were the crazy dog people who vacationed twice a year there together as a family and call it our happy place. Layla even came on our honeymoon there. Maybe I’m just holding on to a happy moment and wishing it was still here. We will not be going back until July.

I just miss my girl so much. I have been trying to channel it by working out more than I usually do but nothing seems to fit the bill.

Thank you to everyone who has graciously replied to my thread. As I know everyone here is feeling the intense pain I am and I wish for us all to somehow find our way through this dark time. It seems impossible without my sidekick.

-Hope
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