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jeffreyburcham

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Reply with quote  #76 
March 1, 2018 marks 9 months since Satin Marie left me and I still cry just about every day. Having 2 dogs leave just 6 months (almost 7) apart is too much for even me to bear. I know my baby girl is with my Apollo and everyone elses babies, free of the cancer and no longer in pain but I just miss her so damn much, and my kid Apollo.
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jeffreyburcham

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Reply with quote  #77 
April 1, 2018 makes 10 long and lonely months since you left me baby girl and it still isn't any easier, especially with Apollo leaving December 27, 2017. And now, I lose a brother on March 30, 2018. When will it end? I miss you so damn much.
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PumpkinsMama

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Reply with quote  #78 
Geez I'm sorry all of this has happened. It will be 9 months since Pumpkin has been gone. I try not to go there, as far as thinking about everything leading up to it and that I still can't believe she's gone, but when I think about it for too long I fall apart. Still it doesn't seem real but I also feel like she is still here somehow, so that is comforting. 

I also wonder when will it end. Since last May my mom's dog Muffin died, boyfriend broke his leg at work, then I lost Pumpkin, then my boyfriend's parents dog. I lost one of my best friends in January and my boyfriend and aren't together anymore. He moved out over a month ago, we're still talking but he's such a jerk sometimes I don't know why I've put up w/ him for almost 9 years. Its ridiculous, and I feel like an idiot. Then all the other stuff in between, that has been stressful. The only thing I can say about all of this is there isn't just one thing for me to be upset over, there is just so much that I have to just tune it all out b/c it's too much, there are days I don't know how I'm going to get through. If I had Pumpkin back it'd all be so much easier. I try to be thankful for everything that IS going okay, but some days all that fades away and life seems impossible. I'm sorry for what you are going through too jeffreyburcham

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PumpkinsMama

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Reply with quote  #79 
Today is hard. It's beautiful outside, but Pumpkin isn't here. My boyfriend gave me a mother's day card, signing it from our other 3 dogs, but Pumpkin's name wasn't on it. I asked him where is Pumpkin's name and almost burst out crying, I'm trying to hold it together but it's not easy. I miss my girl so much, life isn't the same anymore.  I'm so tired of feeling so sad, but it's right under the surface all the time.

Happy Mother's Day to those of us who were a mom or a dad to our babies, even if they aren't here with us anymore. I pray they are nearby today. 

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jeffreyburcham

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Reply with quote  #80 
Pumpkins Mama,

I knw exactly how you feel. The crying and pain and sorrow and hurt and loneliness are lurking just beneath the surface, always.

And yes, they are nearby today and everyday.

Love to you and everyone here.

Jeffrey
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jeffreyburcham

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Reply with quote  #81 
Today, June 1, 2018 is now one year since you left me Satin Marie and the tears still come, as does the pain and hurt. It doesn't seem like a year has passed. We fought the good fight beeby girl but in the end, you had to go home to be with the Angels. Then having to say good bye to the Kid, Apollo December 27, 2017 was a double whammy but I know you two are there in the Meadow with Gizmo and Sparkle and Molly and Patches and all the other babies. I miss you so damn much! It isn't fair, to me or to everyone else here who has had to say goodbye to the fur baby or special friend. There was so much more I wanted to do with you but life kept getting in the way. I love you still Satin Marie and always will. You were and are my beeby girl, my Angel puppy. You deserved so much better from me though and for that, I am so sorry.

Elvis and Jesse miss you so much, I know they do. 

Until we all meet up again, run free my love, my friend, my confidant, my beeby girl.

Daddy
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MyCharlieboy

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Reply with quote  #82 
It will be a year on the 6th that I lost my Charlie boy. I have sort of been reliving the last week of his life this week. I feel so guilty because I was crying so much and pacing, I wish I had just held him and told him how much I Love him a million times. It seems we like to punish ourselves by thinking of all we wished we had done. My husband tells me to try to think of how much happiness he had with us. When a day comes and I think I am accepting that he is gone I feel so guilty. My therapist says that as long as I keep mourning him he's still a part of my life, and so I cry. I would rather mourn him till the day I die, if that will keep him in my daily life. 
This time of year will always be hard because when I would dig in my gardens he would be digging too, not always a good thing, but he was always with me. I miss him so much. We still have Sadie, she's showing more and more signs of old age, but she seems happy and she's healthy, today anyway. She's really good though, stepping right into Charlie's spot with me, always by my side. We went to Florida in March for the birth of our first grandchild. Of course we drove so Sadie could come with us. They both loved going to Florida. Charlie has probably been there more than a lot of people. The first time was for my nieces wedding, he was only 6 months old. We were lucky that both dogs loved going in the car. Thanks for listening. I know you all know what this feels like.
Love to all.
Charlie's Mom
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gizmomybaby

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Reply with quote  #83 
Thinking of you today Jeffrey on you satin maries Year anniversary cant believe its been a year already x am not on here much everytime I try to come back and help others I just crumble x sending you love and hugs x Annemarie gizmo candy xx
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PumpkinsMama

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Reply with quote  #84 
Jeffreyburcham I'm so sorry, I know it's a really hard day for you, I know it is still a shock, it is for me still and it will be a year July 27th.

MyCharlieboy I've been have the same, flashback, just reliving how badly I handled everything the last month Pumpkin got sick. Like I should have known way before she wasn't feeling well and then when she started showing signs of being really sick, I think I just about lost my mind, crying all the time and feeling out of my body. I didn't get a definite diagnosis at the stupid vets, so I was hoping it was something that was curable, so I was trying to feed her stuff she didn't want and it was just awful. Finally I called the local university and they told me I could come and it wouldn't be as much as the original vet had told me it was going to be. That really pisses me off too, b/c I would have taken her sooner, but the vet made it sound like it was going to be 3K for them just to see her. (I eventually called and told them months later they shouldn't have told me what it was going to cost, when they apparently had no idea, they caused a couple of weeks of suffering for my girl, b/c of it). Then the last day was a nightmare. At the university hospital she was walking and I had to carry her out, she'd been on oxygen. I had a vet coming out to put her down and she basically died as he walked in the room AND he still injected her! UGH Then stuff like, the other day we went for a drive and it made me think of times I didn't take her, and she loved being in the car. My 3 other younger dogs don't even like the car, and sometimes I didn't take her b/c I didn't want them to feel bad and they don't even like to go in the car! I feel like I did so many things wrong and I just want to go back and fix it! Anyway, I know how you feel, I have so much guilt and I just want her back, to hug her and snuggle her. Sometimes I can't believe she is gone, others it feels like she was never here. It's an awful feeling, it breaks my heart and I feel sick nearly all the time about it. Anyway, I'm just sorry. Thinking of you all, and hoping our hearts will eventually heal, but I too don't know if I even want that. <3 

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jeffreyburcham

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Reply with quote  #85 
Quote:
Originally Posted by gizmomybaby
Thinking of you today Jeffrey on you satin maries Year anniversary cant believe its been a year already x am not on here much everytime I try to come back and help others I just crumble x sending you love and hugs x Annemarie gizmo candy xx


I know the feeling. Thank you for remembering and caring, not just for me but for everyone here.

I try to come here but it's the same way for me, I break down.
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jeffreyburcham

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Reply with quote  #86 
Pumpkins Mama, thank you. I have been reliving everything for the past year and then to lose my Shepherd kid Apollo last December was more than I could handle for some time, even still.

I just miss Satin so much, and my baby baby Apollo. My house is calmer now and much quieter but I would gladly take the chaos back to have them both here.

My thoughts, love and prayers are with you all.

Jeffrey
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jeffreyburcham

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Reply with quote  #87 
Charlies Mom, it sucks, plain and simple. At times, I want the tears to stop, the pain to go away but then I feel if it does, am I forgetting them? I suppose it's my cross to bear and I gladly accept it.

I feel for people who have never experienced the unconditional love that we here have. I just wish the pain and hurt and sorrow didn't have to go hand in hand with that unconditional love.

Peace, good thoughts, and my undying love to you and to everyone here.

Jeffrey
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PumpkinsMama

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Reply with quote  #88 
First off I hope you all are doing okay. I know the pain doesn't seem to go away most of the time, it's right there. I'm still can't believe my Pumpkin girl is gone. There will never be another dog like her for me. 

I would like some advice if anyone would want to weigh in on my dilemma of getting another cocker spaniel. Its a bit confusing so please bear w/ me. It will be one year July 27th since I lost Pumpkin. I can't think about her being gone for long or I feel sick. I still have her pictures everywhere and smile when I take a long look, but otherwise I try not to cry and I feel guilty for that, although maybe I shouldn't I don't know. There is nothing I can do about it now, she's gone, but I miss her terribly and know she could never be replaced. 

At first and even before I lost Pumpkin I was looking at other dogs to replace her. I was out of my mind because after she was gone and reality settled in, I realized I could never replace her in a million years. That being said, before reality set in, I had seen a puppy on FB that reminded me of her and inadvertently got into contact with a lady in Oh (i'm in TN) who said she may have another litter and she'd let me know when, that was prob Sept. of last year. I had forgotten about it and like I say, I had realized that I have enough responsibilities w/ my other pets and more or less quit looking at any other dogs. 

I have another cocker spaniel, who reminds me of her b/c they are the same breed, he is all black and she was white with spots, but he is much more loyal to my boyfriend than me. Then I have two other sister dogs I got from a rescue, they were foster fails, I love them both to pieces, especially Monkey who grieved with me when we lost Pumpkin, they were very close, but they don't actually do anything with me, they don't like traveling or going in the car and are too small to take on walks or short runs. 

One night before I went to sleep this past May I was talking to Pumpkin in heaven and asking her to visit me in a dream. That night I dreamed about her and woke up happy she had come to see me. Later that day I was thinking about it and thought it was odd she was a puppy and then I wasn't sure if it was her or not. Like it was, but it wasn't. (you know how dreams are) I didn't think too much more about it, but a couple hours later I rec'd a FB msg from the Ohio lady, saying she was having a litter of cocker puppies and they would be born 6/14. I didn't connect the dream with the message until a coupe hours later and thought well, that was weird, maybe my dream meant something and that this dog was meant for me. I was somewhat dreading a message from her, b/c I knew I'd have to make some hard choices. Yesterday I heard from her. The puppies were born June 27 (a month off from the date Pumpkin passed) and she has one that she had more or less kind of reserved for me. 

This puppy will not look like Pumpkin, she is more of a solid light color, her nose is pink (although I have only seen pics of her now, she's only a little over a week old now) so I'm not sure exactly what she will look like....don't know if I'd want one that looked the same as Pumpkin anyway. The other weird thing is, my mom who is 86 lost her dog Muffin a couple months before I lost Pumpkin had mentioned getting a new puppy. I think it'd be good for her, but she can't get around as good lately, and I think she is worried about having a new puppy. So originally I thought well my mom can get her and that way I won't feel bad for my other 3 dogs. But the more I think about it, I would like a dog who hangs out w/ me more, will go in the car and walks and stuff. So I don't know how to handle that. Does she need a dog, do I need another dog? Was it a sign this dog was meant for me? If we do this at a joint venture, if I'm attached I won't be able to NOT have her w/ me all the time. But on the other hand, maybe we won't bond or something and my mom would keep her, but is she too old to have a younger dog? ugh I have to kind of let the lady in OH know later today. I could put a deposit on her and if I decide, change my mind for some reason, or don't feel a connection I could forfeit the deposit of $100. 

Also, I feel like a hypocrite for buying a dog from someone who breeds their pets, but then I feel like they need good homes too and I'd love to have another cocker spaniel buddy to do things with, since my current dogs don't seem to interested in anything other than hanging out at the house. Even though they are being sold for profit, they need homes too. 

I feel a bit disloyal to the dogs i have, but then again Pumpkin had to deal with getting 2 sisters and brother within one year after her sister passed away the previous year. (I always paid special attention to Pumpkin, although I wish I'd still done more) 

That's a lot of information, sorry to impose my confusion on anyone else, we've all got enough probs. If anyone has any insight I have missed or an opinion let me know... if I go forward with this we will all adjust, as we normally do, or if I'd be making a mistake by doing this or not doing this. As I said I felt like maybe the dream was a sign, but I also know there could never be another Pumpkin....are could there?  Thanks for listening 😉 I appreciate you all and hope everybody is doing well. 

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jeffreyburcham

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Reply with quote  #89 
PumpkinsMama,

I too have thought of getting another Black Lab girl but have decided against it as I still have 2 boys and it would not be fair to them.

Eventually, another Lab girl will come into my life but not now.

As for you, yes, bring that puppy into your home. You know it will not replace your Pumpkin but this puppy will help fill a void in your life. I assure you, this puppy and you will bond. Don't get the puppy for your mom, get the puppy because the puppy NEEDS you, needs your love, your care, your attention, just as Pumpkin did. And you already know YOU need this puppy.

Do not think you are being disloyal to Pumpkin. I know, when the time is right for me, my Satin Marie will be happy that I will have saved another Lab girl as I did her. In a perfect world, I would also like to get another Shepherd puppy someday but as I am getting older, I do not want to leave a dog behind that nobody can care for so chances are, I'll save an older dog from a shelter.

We can never replace the four-legged kids we have had to part with, we can only give a good home to another soul in need of a good home, of love, of affection. In return, we get that unconditional love that only a dog (or cat or other companion animal) can give to us. 

I know you will do what you know to be true in your heart. Afterwards, please post pictures of your new baby. 😉

Jeffrey
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PumpkinsMama

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Reply with quote  #90 
Jeffrey, 

Thank you so much for that quick reply about me getting a new puppy. I was so confused. I ended up not getting that little puppy, a little bit of regret at times, but it was so far away and all my handwringing over the situation made me realize that Pumpkin is here with me, and she could never be replaced. That made me think I wasn't ready. 

In the future I still want another cute little girl white cocker spaniel, but it may not be for a while, maybe sooner. I think it will just feel like an easier decision when the time is right. 
Ugh, just sucks I just want my little girl back.

It's been a year or more for those of us on this thread, I hope everyone is doing better. Looking back I don't know how I got through the sickness and the first couple months, it was unbearable. Probably still somewhat in denial b/c when I really think about it, I lose it all over again, but at least I'm doing okay and not losing my mind as much. There will just  never be another Pumpkin, nothing I can do about it, except talk to her and hope we are together again after this life. 

Anyway, again, thanks Jeffrey for getting back to me, it really meant a lot. Sorry it took so long to respond. I've been keeping busy with taking a few classes and working & I think keeping xtra busy has helped keep my mind of things a little bit. 

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