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Lauren_and_Dallas

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Reply with quote  #46 
I'm having a particularly bad day today. Some days I'm functional but other days I wake up and think nothing matters anymore. The vet sent me a card with condolonces. It was so lovely. But it just brought everything slamming back again. I can't stop crying. There's this hole or something at home, where she isn't anymore. I look at the blanket, the couch..I remember her little voice..some days I feel some distance from it and other days its right here, I can't get any space from the pain. It hurts so horribly. I just miss her so much. I can't believe she is gone, my sweet baby girl. I keep thinking about what she looked like, that last morning, when I had to drive her to the vet. I haunts me. I feel sick all the time..
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PumpkinsMama

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Reply with quote  #47 
Lauren and Dallas -

I'm so sorry. For me its been a week today, at 8:22 pm. I feel the same way. The other day i made a memorial for her, i had to put the table together and even cleaned some and I felt like maybe I would be okay, thought maybe I could live in denial, because I could feel the grief right under the surface, but over the last couple days its worse again. Today in a lightheaded moment I literally thought I was going to die the thought of her not being here was too much to handle. I cried and cried and then felt a little better again, but like you it just hits me out of nowhere, some forgotten memory or how she would follow me to the door when I had to go to work and she would walk real slow hoping maybe I was going to let her go or be taking her for a walk. Like when I put my tennis shoes on she would get so excited and sometimes I didn't let her go w/ me b/c it was too hot or thought maybe she was getting a little too old. I feel so guilty that I didn't notice something was wrong sooner, that the last week of her life (after a week of improvement) I was desperately trying to feed her, give her fluids, give her the medication and I practically forced her. Why didn't I just let her be, why did I wait til the very last minute to put her to rest. OMG I miss her so much and I don't think I will ever be okay at this point, its too much of a loss, she was my everything. I wish I had been more appreciative of this when she was here, I knew it was going to be horrible for me, but I also thought I had a couple more years with her at least. It all happened so fast. I didn't expect to write so much here and I may copy this on a main thread, but i am so sorry, I know how you feel, i'm right there with you. The guilt and loss feel like they could kill me. 

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PumpkinsMama

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Reply with quote  #48 
JeffreyBurcham & Mycharlieboy how are you all doing since your last post. It has been a little bit longer since your babies have left you and I'm wondering if you are doing any better? it has been a little over a week and I honestly don't know if I can go on feeling like this everyday. It doesn't feel like it has gotten better at all. I am a zombie at best and alternately nervous wreck feeling like my body could literally turn inside out, can't seem to get anything done around the house. Woke up this morning thinking I felt her fur on my foot. 

I just realized (after reading through the posts again) I had posted (on 7/24) in this thread, that was 3 days before she left me, but I barely remember writing it. 

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jeffreyburcham

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Reply with quote  #49 
PumpkinsMama,

Things are going as well as expected I suppose, still crying almost every single day, even at work. Still going to the group sessions and one on one with the counselor but when we are one on one, we talk about other tings too. My anger came out last Saturday, anger over the fact that my wife did not go with me like she said she would. Why? Because when it came time sooner than expected by two days more or less, she had been drinking that night like every night and of course, was in no physical shape to go to the Animal Hospital ER near us that dreadful night.

And because of that, I know my wife does not understand what I am going through. Satin was MY baby girl ( I would pronounce it beeby girl when I would call her that.) We has spent so much alone time together since 2010, what with surgeries and being off work because of them. She was always my girl, she always slept with me as my wife and I have separate beds. I realize that may be TMI but it is what it is.

The drive to work is probably the worst as it is on the same route (part of it) as the route we took to go to the Clinic for her radiation and chemo treatments. Life goes on and last Sunday we went to our County Fair with our daughter, son in law and two grandchildren, the grandson being the newest addition two months ago. It was a beautiful day but the sorrow hit me once we got home. 

I'm on a new medicine as the Effexor was not cooperating. It helps me sleep but it produces weird dreams. She was in one a few days ago but it was brief, like a second. Does that count as her coming to see me?
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PumpkinsMama

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Reply with quote  #50 

Jeffrey I can relate. My boyfriend of 8 years who loved Pumpkin dearly, I'm sure of it, has been providing very little support for me. Its frustrating b/c I need him now, all I really want to do is lay in my bed, in my room (we also sleep in different rooms a lot of times), and he doesn't really want to come in here, and I'm not sure if it's because she passed away in this room, all the pictures I have up or the memorial I've made by the window. (one of her great loves was looking out the window) So not only am I grieving her but also wondering how I can forgive him for not being there for me, even just to watch a bit of tv seems too much to ask. Even when he has come in for an hour or so, he's preoccupied and I know he'd rather just go in the other room and play video games. ugh!  He still has 'his' dog, another cocker spaniel, which makes me aggravated b/c Willie follows him around and is with him like Pumpkin was for me. Its hard to watch Willie choose my boyfriend over me all the time. I feel like I need Willie around me, he's soft and has a similar smell as Pumpkin, but that is the dog's choice and I won't impose my will on him, I've tried but he ends up wanting to leave me for his 'person.' It makes me sad.  I do have two other very small dogs, one of which was very close to Pumpkin and she seems sad and depressed so that is comforting to be with her, but none of them are my girl. I've looked at puppies online, but I know that would not be a good decision right now, and although I know that nothing will ever ever replace her, I feel like maybe another cocker spaniel might be able to fill her shoes in some ways, but I know that is not a guarantee and I have enough dogs and can't take a chance of not having a similar bond with a new dog. IDK its all so confusing, i think I'm just desperately trying to find a way to make the grief less painful. 

So on a positive note I guess if there can be one, yesterday I was sitting in my room with the window open, since that was the closest I was going to come to getting outside and it was a beautiful day, I was talking to a girlfriend on the phone who lost her son 1.5 years ago, she understands how I feel, many people would think it's not the same, but she's an animal lover too and understands my connection and love for Pumpkin, and although I knew this day would come eventually, she was still my baby girl). So back to what I was going to say, while I was on the phone a beautiful cardinal came to the window and sat on the bench there and was looking inside and was there for about a minute, my other dogs noticed him but didn't even bark. So I was like that was cool. My friend mentioned that they say cardinals are signs of angels, but i figured there is a bird feeder out there, didn't think a whole lot about it but I have never seen a cardinal do that before that I can recall. SO, this morning I got up to let the dogs out and a cardinal (maybe the same one?) flew out to the back yard and sat on the fence watching the little ones for a minute, (she was always protective of them), it flew off and flew back seconds later and watched the dogs for a minute and was gone. The small dog Monkey who was very attached to Pumpkin, stopped in her tracks and was staring at the bird. It made me feel a little better, maybe she is trying to tell me it will be okay, b/c yesterday I was a mess and begging her, my dad who has passed and God for any sign that she is okay, still loves me and is still with me. Also, the urn necklace (that just arrived yesterday) is an angel wing, I chose this b/c the pattern on her back always reminded me of angel wings, and she was definitely my angel. So to see this beautiful winged bird was even more special. I feel like this has given me a little bit of peace that she is with me, it has given me some peace this morning. So keep an eye out for signs, keep talking to her and ask her for signs she is okay and still with you. I think has definitely come to you in your dreams, especially if you feel she is trying communicate that she loves you, is okay and that you will be okay.

Mentioning that she loved looking out the window above, made me sad though b/c I think why didn't I take her out more, she loved to run free outside and I don't think the fenced in backyard cut it. I wish I could go back and every time she longingly looked out the window I should have taken her out to play. I guess when our other dogs came along it was a lot more work and although I hate to say it, she didn't get as much attention anymore, although I ALWAYS made her the priority, secret snacks and taking her with me here and there. Last Christmas we took her on a few occasions to look at xmas lights and she really, really seemed to enjoy that. I can still see her face in the dark car looking at all the lights. But there were times I thought, well she is getting older and didn't want to expose her to the heat or something else like that, those were my excuses b/c I was being lazy, tired or just didn't feel like it at the time, but I was so wrong for not realizing how much I'd regret it. I didn't even think about it at the time. I think that I thought somehow b/c I loved her so much she'd be around forever. How wrong I was. So many regrets, mostly wishing I'd done more things with her, never ever left her home alone and wished I'd appreciated every second I had with her. When she was younger she went everywhere with me, but over the last few years not so much. Her birthday was 2/17 and I took her out two days in a row to the river and woods behind my houses and she had a really good time, then we went to McD for ice cream. I'm so glad I made a big deal out of her birthday this past year, I had no idea it would be her last. :(

Anyway, sorry for rambling on this morning, but it feels good to get it out and having people feeling the same to talk with is really helpful. Most people just don't get how deep the pain goes, the deep bond was with us and not them. Keep looking for more signs Jeffrey, she wants you to be happy and not sad, so I think you will see more signs from her that she is okay, that she knows how much you love her, that she still loves you as much as ever and is watching over you. They are still here with us, I truly feel this on some level, but its so hard that I can't snuggle with her or look at her beautiful little face anymore. :(   Screen Shot 2017-08-06 at 8.25.30 AM.png 




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MyCharlieboy

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Reply with quote  #51 
Hello PumpkinsMama,
First of all what a beautiful picture. I just got back from an Alaskan cruise with my husband, children and their spouses that was planned a year ago. It was good for me to be with the people I love and love me the most. But I thought about Charlie all the time. I also spent some time worrying about My Sadie girl that was home with my sister in law who loves her dearly. I was just worried that she was still sad about Charlie and I wasn't there to support her. I like being home though, I can feel Charlie more here. It has now been 2 months and 11 days. I guess I'm better than day one or month one. But I am still grieving him. I told my therapist that if I have a good day I feel guilty, I want to continue to grieve, to honor the dog that was everything I needed.
That's right, I thought I took him everywhere and spoon fed him because that's what he wanted, but now I realize I needed him to need me, to love me and to be by my side at all times. My therapist told me that as long as I grieve him he is still a part of my life. So I welcome the grief! I hope it never goes away. I will get better I know that, but I hope the time never comes where I have a single day that I don't spend some time thinking about him, and yes even crying about losing him.
I guess what I am saying is, yes, things do get better, but embrace what your feeling and your memories because in a way they are still a part of our lives. But don't feel guilty, I went through that in the beginning a lot, and still sometimes. But, we can't go back and change anything so don't do that to yourself. Just think about all you did do together and remember as much happiness that these precious babies brought to us they got in return from us. Unfortunetly all doggies and kitties don't get the same life. Me and Charlie, we had a great 12 1/2 years together. I thank him for that.........I wish I got more:(
Best wishes to all
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Lauren_and_Dallas

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Reply with quote  #52 
Still having a cry most days. It's hard. I'm still going back to the vet and paying the money off that I owe them so that always reminds me. People already asking me, are you going to get another cat?
But its not a water bottle, I can't just replace her.
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MyCharlieboy

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Reply with quote  #53 
Just finished my morning cry. I was preparing food for my female dog Sadie, and I'm reminded I'm not making 2 bowls. I feel the same way, it seems like I see adorable dogs everywhere I go, I wouldn't be able to get another dog as long as Sadie is with us. But I cannot even try to replace Charlie. I had the best dog for me,  I don't think I would get that again, I would rather just live with the memories of our life together. He was my baby boy! No other dog could replace that. Sadie is even trying to be there for me and it's comforting and I appreciate her. but I still want my baby.  Just one more kiss and hug would be priceless.
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PumpkinsMama

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Reply with quote  #54 
I'm checking in w/ everybody. I see my last post was rather lengthy with a picture of my girl, the last couple months have been a blur. I've been doing better (I guess), but I'm depressed. The anxiety has diminished since I've been eating better and taking better care of myself. For the eclipse we went to Tellico Plains TN, about an 1.5 hour south of where I live, camped out overnight and watched the total eclipse and that was really cool. It felt good to get out and do something, but there was the underlying sadness the whole time and a lot of the campers there had their dogs with them. Out of all my dogs Pumpkin would have been the only one I could take, the others are a bit on the nervous side, but they are younger, they have helped me a lot, they are sweet and I love them, but they are no Pumpkin. My one dog Monkey was particularly attached to her and also seems depressed, so I think we are comforting each other. Anyway, I felt some of my sadness had lifted after we got home, but it comes and goes. Sometimes I can look at pictures and it makes me happy and I feel like she is here, but other times I'm just sad. I try to avoid the sad thoughts, but that makes me feel guilty, its like I'm pushing her out of my mind. 

I too want to get another dog who can go with me everywhere, but then I think I have three others and hesitate b/c like you guys there is no replacing her in a million years and that is so depressing. I still just want her back, I want to start over with her and make sure every second I had with her was more appreciated. I wish I'd done more. I guess there are good and bad days and keeping up with responsibilities and chores help, but its hard to get started. 

On another sad note, my boyfriend's parents dog passed away a few days ago, and a month or so before Pumpkin, my mom's dog passed away. So that is three dogs in our families in 3.5 months. His parents are already going to get another puppy today and I'm happy to get to meet her, but also sad that its not me going to meet Pumpkin for the very first time. If only we could go back in time and have them all over again. :( 

I hope you are all doing okay, I pray for all of us who have lost our babies and all the horrible losses we go through in life. 

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jeffreyburcham

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Reply with quote  #55 
This forum reinforces my shaky belief that thee is still hope for humanity. I have been sending donations to local groups that are heading to Texas and also to the Houston Food Bank. Saturday I am dropping off supplies to a local rescue group that is heading down there Sunday. It's the least I can do, even though I have family down there (not in the affected areas) and am tempted to drive from Illinois (near St Louis, MO) to Houston or Galveston but I saw that my fellow US Marines are on the job!

God Bless all of you and God Bless those animals, all of them, down there in Texas, Louisiana and the entire Gulf Coast. This storm isn't finished just yet. I've cried several times today and yesterday while at work, this is killing me.
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PumpkinsMama

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Reply with quote  #56 

I pray for those poor people and animals all day long. Its just awful what they are going through :(  

 


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PumpkinsMama

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Reply with quote  #57 
How is everyone doing? I thought I was handling things okay, but the last few days I'm right back where I was two months ago, maybe even more sad. UGH! A friend had a kitten so I said I would take him, but I think that made it worse, he is filling Pumpkin's #4 spot (well she was always #1) in the house and I think I'm a little resentful of it, which sounds awful. But I thought maybe it would take my mind off of things, but that didn't work like I planned, quite the opposite. Then I saw a 5 month old cocker on craigslist and when I finally heard back she had been sold. She reminded me of Pumpkin so I think that has made me more depressed, kind of like I missed out on a chance to have Pumpkin back, but I know that is crazy and who knows maybe that would have backfired also. Doesn't help I'm overwhelmed by lots of things going on, but she was my comfort when things got rough. I just miss her so much and knowing I can never have her back breaks my heart every minute of every day. I try to get on with things, but I just always feel the sadness no matter what I do. Then I feel guilty b/c I know I'm more fortunate than other folks and what they are going through, but it's a struggle to get everything done I need to. I hope you all have been faring better than myself. 
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jeffreyburcham

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Reply with quote  #58 
Sorry it's been so long since I've posted. Today marks 4 1/2 months since my beloved girl Satin Marie had to leave me. I'm still attending grief counseling sessions, both group and one-on-one. It helps but each day is a sad reminder of her not being here. I cry pretty much everyday, it just hits me at certain points during the day. I go to work, most days and that helps as well, as much as my job is a pain. Still have the three boys and things are going okay with them although I am on eggshells when it comes to my Shepherd baby, still. Still have him and my big boy on meds and am due to see the behavioral vet again in December although I have pretty much lost faith in her so I may try to find one a little closer to our house. I wish everyone happy thoughts and peace. I will try to come here more often, it's just starting to get harder for me, especially when I think things are getting a little better. I just miss her so damn much.
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jeffreyburcham

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Reply with quote  #59 
It's been five months today since you left me Satin Marie and not a day goes by that I am not crying or thinking about you. I miss you so terribly much, I cannot describe it to anyone, especially myself. I tried to save you but in the end, the tumors got you. You fought until the very end and you didn't deserve for this to happen to you. No animal does and no person who loves them should have to go through it either. You will always be my precious puppy girl. I miss you so much. Halloween was yesterday and this is the first time in 11 years that you weren't there to greet the kids. Everyday is a reminder of how much you touched my life and my world. I can never thank you enough for being there for 11 wonderful and joy-filled years. You were and always will be my beeby girl. I love you Satin Marie and I always shall.
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PumpkinsMama

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Reply with quote  #60 
It was 3 months for me last week, at times I can't believe its been that long and other times it seems like so long ago. Its just terrible, terrible loss. I'm on a few grief/loss for pets pages on facebook and sometimes I think it's making me feel worse, but I feel like I need to honor the huge losses people are going through. I feel so bad for every single person and dog on there.

I can go a couple days and I'm dealing alright, then it hits me that she is really gone and I lose it. My birthday was the other day, the cards from my mom and boyfriend normally sign all the dogs names and her name wasn't on it this time and of course I burst out crying. I don't feel like I will ever be the same again, and that's okay, but I just miss her sweet face and she was such a kind and sweet dog. I will never have another baby like her again & I just want her back. I wish I'd cherished every second with her, I feel there were so many I took for granted. :'( anyway I'm sorry Jeffrey, I know how painful this is. 

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