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Inkysmom

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Reply with quote  #31 
I don't know Jeffreyburcham, another peaceful easygoing girl might keep the peace between all your sad cranky boys again. Especially a quiet girl who's not a puppy who's less work and needs a home and might not get one otherwise. When and if you're ready of course.
Mycharlieboy, I can empathize. Yesterday was a month since I lost my special cat to cancer I have a whole long post about how special he was. I list a dog a year and a half ago and it was devastating too. I did get another dog as I live in a city and often get home late and can't find close parking and feel safer with a large dog for protection walking around the city at night and living in a city. He's helped and had a completely different personality and breeds and everything is different. I still miss my last dog daily even though I have a new special bond with this one.

There are so many healthy young beautiful animals that woukd love a home and loving owners and a chance who are abused or starved or freeze or euthanized daily that I feel selfish not taking in as many as I have room for and can afford to feed and care for. One large dog is all I can manage currently but two or three cats is also reasonable. My current remaining two cats and my dog all have ongoing chronic health issues and I have a lot of debt from my past pets who were sick and died in the past couple of years so I'm not getting any more until my finances are better. But I'd love to get a kitten to cheer up my pets who are all still so depressed without my cat who just died a month ago.

You can't replace people or pets. Each bond and relationship you have with each living being is unique just like they all have their own little temperaments and personalities. I certainly understand taking time to grieve and only taking on what you have the time, energy, space and means to care for. But it can be healing to give a needed home to another animal that would otherwise never have that chance and save it from an uncertain and awful fate. And your lost loved one would approve of you healing each other. Sometimes I think they pick out another animal in need and send them to their owners to help each other be less lonely. My defiant but loving soul mate dog certainly sent me another defiant anxious dog with tons of issues that I'd feel sorry for but have to really work to bond with. And a whole new set of challenging defiant behaviors that I'd never had to deal with before that absolutely drove me nuts! Just to make sure I really missed and appreciated my soul mate dog even more, but also to help me grow as a person and really learn acceptance and patience, which has always been my huge weakness. And not to let me get too overconfident in my dog training skills since my last dog and I had such a connection we could read each other's minds and he was perfect everywhere loose with perfect recall. Nothing as humbling after years of compliments on your perfect gorgeous dog who'll do anything for you to take in a problem dog who'll chew through his leash in 30 seconds, open a door while slipping out of his harness, jump a six foot fence and take off and spend an hour chasing him around the city with people yelling at you to put a leash on that wild dog (I did he chewed through it and took off the harness and opened the door and jumped the fence. In two minutes!!#). Every day. For months. Or jump out of the car and run, or race around the dog park for hours. Even after everyone else has left. It's 11pm and scary and can't catch him, treats, food, I leave, start the car. Drive away, come back. Nothing. Very humbling at first. Definitely missed my last dog who was loose from the first day and all 11 years and never left my side. But I had something to learn from this one.
I've had 11 cats at least. The one that just died was an adult feral I accidentally trapped trying to catch his tame friend who was sick with pneumonia. Wound up keeping both of them since I didn't have the heart to let the wild one go back out alone in winter. Took years but I tamed him. He went from trying to climb the walls and jump out the windows and scratching me and drawing blood if I tried to pet him to eventually purring so loud whenever anyone touched him the vets couldn't even check his vital signs. And if I petted him he'd drop right on his back belly up for a belly rub, which many tame cats won't permit. He'd sleep wrapped around my head purring and kneading my head and face and grooming my hair every night and head butting and rubbing my face all day not able to get close enough. He knew his name and would race over when I called, much better than my new runaway dog. He loved going to the vet and didn't mind being in the hospital when he was so sick with cancer, diabetes and asthma the last few months cause he loved all the attention and petting. None of the vet staff believed that he was ever feral because he was so loving and affectionate and good for treatment.

My tame cats weren't that good for vets, but all were special and very loved by me. I'm just glad I've taken a chance and opened my heart each time to every animal I've had, because each bond was worth it, no matter how difficult to attain or scary in the beginning.
Yes their lives are too short and it's so heartbreaking to lose them, and even more heartbreaking to watch them get sick and have to put them through medications and treatments and vet visits and things they don't like and don't understand is supposed to help them. But the loving quiet moments, the belly rubs, the spontaneous little moments where a dog cautiously brings you a toy to at when they've never done that before or randomly gives you a doggie kiss, or when my formerly feral cat who used to draw blood if I touched him jumped on the bed with his soft meow and was literally drooling from rubbing his face against mine and then laid down pressed against my neck and face and even put his paw on my hand, those moments make all the tears worth it.
Or when my old dog would sneak up from the back seat and nudge my arm while I was driving and push my arm so that I'd hug his neck and chest the whole way. I even got my deviant new dog to stop running away, come back to me when called most of the time, and now he'll randomly just give me his paw when we're in public, and want me to just hold it. For a long time. Baby steps but it's his cute mannerism that's unique and endearing, maybe he saw the cat do it.

Sorry this post is so long and rambling, I just think it's sad for all the homeless animals, and for us the grieving people, to never have another pet again after losing a beloved pet. And I don't think it's what they would want, for us to be sad and lonely and afraid of losing again for years. You can't replace anyone, nor should you try, but you can help one who needs a home and honor your loved ones memory and help them and you heal.
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jeffreyburcham

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Reply with quote  #32 
Quote:
Originally Posted by MyCharlieboy
Today July 6th it has been a month since I lost my best friend Charlie. My pain is unbearable, I keep wondering why I didn't notice anything was wrong sooner, he never complained or acted any differently. My husband says I'm torturing myself. The vet said there was nothing I missed. But I need to have a reason why this happened to him. I got Charlie 2 years after losing our family dog, also a cocker spaniel. He was more the kids dog although I loved him very much. It took me that long and my kids moving out that got me ready to open my heart again. This time though I wanted a black haired cocker, he was the runt and so small. He was my new baby. I work from home so we were together all the time. I took him with me whenever I could even to Florida every year. 8 years ago I had cancer and during my treatment and recovery he never left my side. I never felt alone and was comforted by his devotion to me. We inherited our other dog Sadie from my son when he moved out of state, her and Charlie were best friends, we are worried about her too. You can see she's not herself and some days won't eat. We give her a lot of loving  attention and I won't leave her alone right now.
I really cannot stand that my wonderful dog got cancer and there was nothing we could do for him after he pulled me through my cancer. I would have paid anything to save him. I keep his ashes and pictures close by, I feel comforted by the pictures of him having fun. I really thought I would have 4 or 5 more years with him. I wake up every morning with the same thought, I can't believe he's gone! I'm not sure I can ever get another dog, I can't replace him, I have had other pets in my 56 years of life and never felt so close to any as I did Charlie. He was just so good, he always listened. I could take him anywhere, he would go to my daughters house and was so sweet to her cats and puppy. When I go there now her dog runs past me looking for Charlie I wonder what he thinks. I am so grateful for this forum, to read about others who feel the same way I do. Before I found it I felt so alone, My husband has to work, my kids all work and send me comforting messages, but I feel like I might be driving them crazy. Thank you for having a place where I can write and cry with people who understand.


I don't think I could have said it any better. We were inseperable these past several years due to various surgeries and being off work. This time around since last October, I had the honor of being with her every step of the way during her treatments.

I too want someone to tell me WHY, why her, why cancer? Is it not enough human children get cancer and suffer and die, that our sins have to now be visited on our four legged children? Satin was not a dog, she was my daughter.

Someday, I know I will save another one, bring her into our home. Until that beautiful day comes though, I can at least help shelters financially to save others, and I can do that in her memory. I have to face this again three more times, at least, before I cross over to the other side and am reunited with my canine and feline kids. But not anytime soon, I still have too much to do here and to help save as many as I can. I also have two grandchildren to impart this part of me to, to teach them to love Gods creatures. Being here has helped me tremendously, which is why I come here each day, if just to read others posts. Maybe what I say can help someone else too.

God bless you all.
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MyCharlieboy

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Reply with quote  #33 
Hello jeffreyburcham,
Thank you for your kind words. I have donated to local shelters a little here and there but I think it would help me feel good if I did more to help other dogs in Charlie's memory.
I had read some of your other posts and saw that we felt the same about which dog we were ready to lose. Our Sadie will be 12 this month, she's pretty much at her life expectancy, has a lot of gray and has arthritis. She can be a little naughty at times too. We have been actually preparing ourselves emotionally for her death knowing we wouldn't get a lot more time with her. But Charlie......I'm not sure I would ever have been ready to lose him, and this came out of nowhere. I'm sorry to admit it but I said I wish it was Sadie instead as soon as I found out. It's silly as if we have a choice. I thought we did everything right, feeding them high quality food and making sure they got exercise. My son tells me that Charlie lived a better life than many people and was given more love than some children in this world. That for some reason gives me no comfort because what I got from him was so much more, unconditional love, constant attention and he just plain made me happy. I'm lost without him. I'm just glad I can stay at home and cry whenever I need to. When we do go anywhere and Sadie comes along she sits in the back still because Charlie sat in the front, that was his seat. Even when I only open the front door she jumps in the back. I hope she feels better soon. And I hope you and I and our families can find acceptance and a calm heart eventually.  Best wishes to you and your loved ones.
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jeffreyburcham

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Reply with quote  #34 
MyCharlieboy, I have had the exact same thought about, and I even hate to admit this, why couldn't it have been one of the others but then I know I would have been just as devastated. At least I try to tell myself that. I love all of my boys but Satin, she was just so special and I know you know where I am coming from.

So far with me being back to work, I've only cried there a couple of times and quietly. And when I come home, everything here is fine with the boys and I believe that is how it will remain. Perhaps the trazodone and paxil are working on my Shepherd kid. Perhaps Satin is here with them, keeping the peace so to speak.

I know she is still here, not ready to leave completely because of my sorrow. She knew (and still does) that I loved her so dearly, I know that. Just as I know she loved me unconditionally, even when I would yell at her. It didn't matter, she would still come to me and nudge me and look at me with those beautiful brown eyes.

The hardest part of her being gone is I can never hold her again or look into those eyes and see that gentle soul. At least I have the memories and pictures of her but it doesn't help much.
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Lauren_and_Dallas

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Reply with quote  #35 
It's been 3 days since I lost my girl Dallas. I so relate so so much to what everyone has talked about here. I lost her only a matter of weeks after diagnosis, she went downhill so fast.
Sometimes I wish I could have known you know? I wish someone would have told me what to expect. The uncertainty was agonizing. What really hit hard was when she initially started on the prednisolone, she went almost fully back to her old self for about a week there. I felt like I had her back. It was hard, feeling like I was constantly starting that process all over again. And grieving while she was right there in front of me.
I feel a bit haunted by her last 24 hours. I just stayed up with her, she wasn't sleeping. She was labouring to breathe and one of her little eyes was crusting over. I felt like she was not the girl I knew. I couldnt let her struggle like that any longer
I cry all the time, night time is the hardest, trying to go to sleep.
Yesterday I felt a bit of distance from it. But I do think some very strange thoughts. Yesterday I was more easily distracted.
I wasnt expecting it but cleaning up today has been really hard. Cleaning the litter box for one, the food bowl for one. I have another boy cat. He was my first. Its hit me hard that i'm only cleaning and feeding for one now.
And lastly, I feel guilty. Guilty because I just spent the majority of the last 6 weeks at home, caring for Dallas. I couldn't be gone for more than a couple of hours at a time.
Now I don't want to be at home much at all, because it's too painful. But I can't just suddenly start leaving my boy all on his own all day on top of losing her as well.
Dallas was only 7. I'm not sure I can feel her with me. I can't find any comfort in anything at the moment. Nothing in my life makes sense.
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jeffreyburcham

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Reply with quote  #36 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lauren_and_Dallas
It's been 3 days since I lost my girl Dallas. I so relate so so much to what everyone has talked about here. I lost her only a matter of weeks after diagnosis, she went downhill so fast.
Sometimes I wish I could have known you know? I wish someone would have told me what to expect. The uncertainty was agonizing. What really hit hard was when she initially started on the prednisolone, she went almost fully back to her old self for about a week there. I felt like I had her back. It was hard, feeling like I was constantly starting that process all over again. And grieving while she was right there in front of me.
I feel a bit haunted by her last 24 hours. I just stayed up with her, she wasn't sleeping. She was labouring to breathe and one of her little eyes was crusting over. I felt like she was not the girl I knew. I couldnt let her struggle like that any longer
I cry all the time, night time is the hardest, trying to go to sleep.
Yesterday I felt a bit of distance from it. But I do think some very strange thoughts. Yesterday I was more easily distracted.
I wasnt expecting it but cleaning up today has been really hard. Cleaning the litter box for one, the food bowl for one. I have another boy cat. He was my first. Its hit me hard that i'm only cleaning and feeding for one now.
And lastly, I feel guilty. Guilty because I just spent the majority of the last 6 weeks at home, caring for Dallas. I couldn't be gone for more than a couple of hours at a time.
Now I don't want to be at home much at all, because it's too painful. But I can't just suddenly start leaving my boy all on his own all day on top of losing her as well.
Dallas was only 7. I'm not sure I can feel her with me. I can't find any comfort in anything at the moment. Nothing in my life makes sense.


Most times the absence of Satin seems so surreal. June marked a year when the tumor came back and it just hit me today with that bit of knowledge. I still have three boys and every time I let them outside, it's so sad because Satin was always the second one out the door, there was a system to it all and the boys knew it. I stayed home sick today and of course, thanks to the new meds, I was tired so I laid down. And it was especially sad because Satin wasn't there. I miss her every time I go to bed because she's not there in her spot with me but for some reason, today was harder.

I still wait for her to come to me in my dreams. Only having the three food bowls in the kitchen still isn't right to me. My whole world is upside down. Nothing is the same and it never will be. I too felt guilty because of all the time I was spending with Satin during her treatments since February but I think my boys knew.  What really makes me feel guilty is that I did not cry or mourn my other three babies like this. Oh, I cried and I mourned but not like over Satin. Is that wrong? Did I not really love them, at least as much as I did and still do Satin? I know the answer but still, there is that little pang of guilt.

I mourn with you Lauren over your Dallas. The pain and sorrow for you is still very fresh. I wish I could say it will get better (there will be those days of course) but since it has been almost 7 weeks for me, things are still as raw as they were that fateful evening when I had to end her pain and suffering. My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours. Please, message me if you want to, even if just to vent. Everyone here is with you, which makes this place the best place to be. There is no judgement here, no sarcasm, no ill feelings. Just love and tenderness and caring. Just as our fur babies would want it to be.
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jeffreyburcham

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Reply with quote  #37 
Today is 7 weeks since Satin and I took our final car ride in what would be my final act of love, to end her pain and suffering. Every Wednesday and Thursday, 12:08 am on Thursdays, will always be sad for me, as will every 1st of the month. Of course, every day is a sad one without my Satin Marie. If not for this place and the counseling I am going to, I would surely lose it entirely and that scares me, as a 52 year old former Marine. I'm enough of a man to be passionate, as ANY real man is and I can admit that I cry. But the Marine in me doesn't want to, at least not publicly. I just miss her so much! I'm sorry for posting like this but I can't help it sometimes.
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MyCharlieboy

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Reply with quote  #38 
Hello jefferyburcham

I am glad to hear that you are getting some help with your grieving. I am going to counseling also , I have an appointment today, she told me to bring pictures of Charlie with me. I thought I was getting a little better last week... getting to the point that I could actually start to  believe that my baby boy got cancer and was gone... then Monday I went to the bank, they sent out dog biscuits, Charlie thought we went to the bank for the biscuits. That was it, I took a giant step backwards so to speak. I am crying several times a day and when I look at his pictures I think "I can't believe my baby is gone". I think it's normal to go forward and then back again.  It has been a month and 2 weeks today, I can hardly think about anything else, even when I do he is on my mind. My husband and I are going on a cruise with our children and their spouses in 2 weeks for our anniversary, this has been planned for over a year. I hope it helps to be together as a family and I don't cry all the time. I'm a little worried because sometimes I just need to be home where everything reminds me of him, it might be hard. I will take the clonazepam my Dr. gave me with me, it helps with the crying. Not the pain, but I think I might have had a breakdown without it.
As I think more and more I realize that I thought Charlie was clingy, but I realize that I made him that way because I needed him. He came into my life at just the right time. My kids were grown and leaving, and he was my new baby, I was home alone all day and then he was here needing me. Then I got sick and he never left my side. I can't believe he comforted me through my cancer and then there was nothing we could do for his cancer. Nothing but end his suffering.
I hope all of us on here can find peace of mind soon.

 

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Lauren_and_Dallas

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Reply with quote  #39 
MyCHarlieboy and jeffrey just wanted to thank you for writing and sharing

As I am really struggling. I feel like I can't really express it in the same way anywhere else. I felt like I was dealing with it earlier in the week, I went to work, I cleaned up the house. But today I feel like it's all reset and I just want to lie down for a month..crying uncontrollably all the time..can't feel her..can't believe she is gone.

And im struggling with i suppose society or whatever. Everything is confusing, I feel like I don't know myself at the moment, I don't know what's up or down and I feel like nobody understands. The only relief I've gotten is from reading stuff online and my therapist..
I just feel like there's this pressure to be okay, you know?
Like i was allowed to have an appropriate moment to be sad and now Im supposed to just take it away and deal with it quietly and not bother people with it.
But I can't do that. So I swing between thinking I should act like I'm fine and I try to do that and then I think f- it I can't do that. I just feel so hollow. Like the pain will never stop. I don't know, I'm so confused. It all happened so fast. I think about that feeling you know, when it feels like youre going to faint, when you find your worst fears are becoming reality..
im rambling i know..
I'm just struggling to look after myself but I can't seem to let myself fall apart completely you know? I have friends and family but..it's like I'm alone
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MyCharlieboy

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Reply with quote  #40 
Hi Lauren
I think we all feel pressure to be ok by now. I sort of know where some people are coming from. We have another dog that we inherited from our youngest son when he moved out of state. We love her......but she is no Charlie. She is very independent and keeps herself busy. When she is in "the mood" she can be very affectionate but mostly she's off doing her own thing. So I think some people look at having a pet as almost a part time thing. Some of us are blessed though, with having a pet that becomes our best friend and partner. Someone who makes us feel like we are never alone. That is my biggest struggle right now, the feeling of being alone. Some people tell my husband to get me another dog right away but I can't do that right now. I feel like I owe it to Charlie to mourn him first, I don't think I could replace him anyway. You said " I just feel like there's this pressure to be okay, you know?
Like i was allowed to have an appropriate moment to be sad and now Im supposed to just take it away and deal with it quietly and not bother people with it."
That's the problem, when I call my husband crying and talk about how I'm feeling for 5 minutes and he says I know it's hard for you right now. It helps me to get through the next few hours. But not everyone will be that supportive so I walk around fighting my tears and pretending I'm ok for them.
This forum is a blessing, to be able to see there are people out there with the same struggle and, no, I'm not ok by now! I had him for 12 years, that's a long relationship,(not long enough though) I know it will take time to be ok with him being gone and only having the memories to keep in my heart. I heard him bark in a dream the other night and remembered when I woke up, it made me smile. Best wishes to all on here.
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Ozziemom

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Reply with quote  #41 
I too feel alone in my grief although my family loved Ozzie too they do know that it will take time but for me it's deeper and they too tell me they understand that's its hard and it does help but there are others who just don't get it and those are the ones I avoid it's my grief my love my loss the harder the love the harder the pain as I have come to realize it's doesn't get better it gets different and maybe as time goes by it becomes easier Ozzie was my furchild for 14 years I have no kids I live alone no surviving pets Ozzie was my BFF and I will grieve for Ozzie for however long it takes please don't feel pressure to be ok cause it's not ok we loved them deeply as they did us we just have to do what we need to to get us through each day as hard as it is our hearts are in pieces I am grateful for this site it gets me through some very tough days we all feel the same pain and understand and that is very comforting so sorry for your loss its tough i know take your time and I wish peace in your heart hugs to you
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jeffreyburcham

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Reply with quote  #42 
MyCharlieboy, I am happy for you that you too are going to counseling. Besides the group sessions, the therapist also sees me one-on-one as often as I wish, which is really nice. Although I know my wife grieves for Satin Marie, I also know she is tired of seeing me cry and to hear me talk about her all the time. I can't help it, I was with her way more than my wife ever was, it was me who took her to the vet, to her treatments, was with her for her final seconds on this planet. She'll never understand it as far as I am concerned and that is fine. I have to deal with this the way I am dealing with it. She was my Lab girl, my best friend, my confidant, my lover girl, my whole world.

Last night I came across a photo that was taken of her on June 28, 2008, the year before we had to say goodbye to our beloved puppy girl Gizmo, who was with us for 16 years of her 17 years on this planet. I think that is what hurts me the most, i thought I had more time with Satin but as a Lab, she was getting close to her time as she was 11 years 3 months young. Still, I just can't stop thinking about her and I can't stop crying about her. Some days are better than others but the ride to and from work, which is somewhat the same route as when I took her to her radiation and chemo treatments, is hard for me as it brings back those memories. Satin really loved going for rides with her daddy and I loved her being with me. I just miss her so damn much and it really hurts, a lot.

I'll never understand why any of it happened. It hit me the other day that June of this year marked 1 year since the Mast Cell Tumor came back. I guess I never was thinking of that while she was getting towards the end. How fast it all happened is so surreal at times.

There's a woman who joined our group sessions last Saturday and her dog has a Mast Cell Tumor and it tore me up inside, knowing what the outcome is going to be and I just couldn't tell her. her dog has a Grade 3 tumor and the prognosis is lousy. I just don't know what, if anything, to say to this sweet woman.

I wish peace and tranquility to you all and to everyone here at this forum. Without all f you, I would never be able to get through this.
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PumpkinsMama

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Reply with quote  #43 
Why does it have to be this way, why, why, why?  I'm so sorry for each and everyone of you and understand the devastation. My cocker spaniel Pumpkin is sitting on the couch over there right now, and the same thing as Lauren and Dallas, after a week or so of prednisone she was back to herself on Saturday, I was getting so hopeful and then yesterday, Sunday, no eating, hard to walk etc. I am lost, I will be lost without her. I've lost other pets I loved dearly and mourned over, but this feels like my heart is being ripped from my chest, I can't breathe and i'm not sure what to do, what I can do.  She is sleeping and drinking water, I'm carrying her outside to potty tho and she is no longer hungry. Although I've waited too long in the past and said I'd never wait again, I just cannot make the call and I'm fearing going off the deep end completely. Nothing else matters to me at this point. nothing 
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MyCharlieboy

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Reply with quote  #44 
PumpkinsMama

I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. I had the same experience. My cocker spaniel Charlie had diarrhea, next thing I hear is cancer! I couldn't believe what I was hearing. He was my baby, I wasn't expecting anything like this. He was also put on prednisone. It didn't really help, when he got swollen I thought it was the prednisone but when I took him back to the vet they drained a liter of fluid out of him. He ate twice that night, ran around and ate in the morning. I thought he was going to be ok and I would have more time with him. I was wrong the next day he filled up with fluid again and it was hard for him to breathe. We had no choice, I couldn't let him suffer. That was hands down the worse week of my life. Although I did things with him that I know he loved doing, I spent a lot of time crying and pacing the floor. I would do anything to hug and kiss him again. I had no idea I only had a week left with him. I was falling apart, not eating or sleeping. After he died I went to the Dr. and went on clonazepam.  I only wish I did it sooner, calmed myself down and spent more time playing with him or walking him or just holding him. My heart goes out to you. it's been 7 weeks and I still can't believe I lost my Charlie, I'm so lonely without him.
Cocker spaniels are wonderful dogs and everyday we have with them is a blessing. I wish you peace in your heart.
Fellow cocker spaniel lover Sherry
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jeffreyburcham

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Reply with quote  #45 
PumpkinsMama,

I feel exactly the same way as you do. I have had to say goodbye to other furbabies but Satin was so much more to me and I feel guilty for that, for those feelings I have for her. It isn't that I didn't mourn the others, I just cannot seem to get over Satin. I constantly ask WHY, why her, why did she have to endure what she did, why did she have to leave me.

I cannot get over this, I cry almost all the time, even at work. It's killing me inside, even with the counseling sessions I attend and the meds I am now taking. Even being here isn't helping me get over this although it is helping me to cope, somewhat. Every day there is another loss here, more pain, more suffering. I grieve for everyone here and that sometimes (almost always) makes me even sadder about Satin.

I just miss her so much and it hurts so terribly. She was my life, my friend, my confidant. She was my four legged daughter and I just want to hold her. I wanted that one last night with her, to have her sleep with me, to spend that one last night with her but she was in so much pain. I couldn't be selfish, as much as I wanted that last night with her. I'll never get to spend another day with her, to have her next to me, t let her outside, to take her for truck rides. And I can never get over that, of not having her with me any longer. The pain is real, as you all know, and that little bit of knowledge brings me some consolation.
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