I know my girl doesn’t want me to cry so much. I know how much she loved me. I know as much as I struggle it’s not doing me any good, she’s not going to come around that corner and I’ll never see her laying outside, alone, content in her own skin to just be. It’s all a process though, for me the steps have been baby steps. This past week I mentioned her name, twice, without stumbling over the words. She is my heart though and a huge part is missing. I’ve also gotten mad about all she went through, at the whole situation, that’s part of all of this grieving also.. I don’t dance, lol, but I do run, now, for her, because she couldn’t in the end. I imagine her next to me, and running ahead, lil stinker, because she can, now. Emotionally baby steps. But still,,,
I am where you all are now. I stopped listening to music. I don't think pain is suppose to be the marker we use when we deeply love. It is a place keeper. It marks the tremendous loss we feel when something very vital and precious is lost. But the "recovery" is that when the pain goes away, it means that the love we lost is allowed to shine once again, out of the dark, and back into our heart and we can remember, and smile, and be thankful for all that was. It is an affirmation of that love, not a loss of it, or a sign that it never existed. We should not fear losing the pain, but rather look forward to it being replaced with that which caused it in the first place. I stopped listening to music. But when I do, I will struggle my best to dance with a limp. Because that is what my Brutus will wish for me, because in all the 11.5 years I had him, we danced!
Lynn, Tankie’s mom, forever